So, what's happening?

Firstly, I want to thank those of you who have left me comments - you've been so kind and I really do appreciate it.

So then, let's get to it. On the weight front things aren't exactly fantastic. Fact is, I seem to have gained an extra kilo (up to 63kg again) in a shade under a couple of weeks which, as you can probably imagine, doesn't please me much. This is despite following the keto-style diet which has worked for me in the past.

OK, let's look at why the direction of travel isn't the required one.

To be brutally honest I'd best mention that I did have a serious slip-up on Tuesday last, when a barrow-load of stress got the better of me. I ate more nuts than I should have and wolfed an individual bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate that day. Sadly, this was a decidedly pointless variety of stress-relief as I didn't really enjoy it that much at the time, and felt like crap afterwards. The stress didn't go away either!

Other than that I thought I'd been pretty virtuous for the whole week. Or have I? Hmmm, if I think a little more closely about what I've eaten, I realise that I've snacked on chopped brazil nuts or almonds on a couple of days, and nibbled on pork scratchings too. That's in addition to the salad boxes I've made for lunch and whatever our evening meal has been.

Overload? Probably, so I guess I need to rethink snacks. My options are either a) don't have any at all, or b) radically change what I consume. Things have to change, so thinking cap on.

On the 'looking after me' front, things have gone a little better. 

I've had a follow-up appointment with my counsellor which, although pretty harrowing, emotional and exhausting, brought to the foreground and gave voice to some of the bottled-up pain I've been carrying with me for a long time and suppressing like fury. Interesting. Not at the time perhaps, but certainly ruminating over it in the aftermath. 

I have been given a little project to do as a result, and that is to think this through quietly and in some detail over the next couple of weeks, seeking out the exact words to explain my feelings. Easy enough, one may think. Not so. None of the words I've tried out so far truly express feelings I've spent so long subjugating. A long way to go on this one...

I have also had an NHS assessment to determine the shape my current difficulties are taking, and to look at the type(s) of long-term support that might be suitable to assist me to help myself. Sounds good, huh?

Well, yes to some extent, but it was actually quite a shocker too. I'd duly completed my questionnaire and was ready and (...sort of) willing to discuss the answers to the questions in greater detail on the day. However, a couple of things brought me up short. 

Once I'd said I was fine in this respect, I wasn't expecting to return to the part of conversation about the possibility of harming myself. But we did, touching on this rather sensitive spot several times in fact. Now let's get this straight. I most definitely don't feel I'm in any danger of acting upon my most negative thoughts, but I guess the fact that they exist raised a flag of some kind.

The other thing to take the wind from my sails was being advised that the depression I'm experiencing was classed as 'severe'. Along the numerical scale used in the assessment I am apparently pretty close to the worst end. Oh bugger! That anxiety is not quite such a big deal, but it's also a bit more embedded than I thought. 

I guess it really is time to address this situation and move towards some form of resolution. My little book of daily positives is a step in the right direction.

However, I'm very aware that I have a long road ahead of me and rather a lot of work to do in this respect. That's both a scary proposition and hopeful, in roughly equal measures from where I'm standing at the moment.

So here goes.

As I always say, and mean every single time I say it. Onwards, ever...

Keeping going

Yippee, that grotty buggy thingy seems to be finally running it's course, thank goodness, and although not yet back to 100% I'm pleased to report that I do feel a bit more human.

As yet I still don't have all that much of an appetite (slight sore throat, a bit of a cough, and nothing tasting quite right sees to that) and I seem to become sated pretty quickly, without having eaten a whole lot of food. However, I can feel my interest in food increasing and my desire to eat returning, bit by bit, each day.

That's a good thing in one sense, but let's not break out the champagne just yet, eh. Looked at from another perspective it really ought to sound a teensy bit of a warning. Now this here life isn't all about weight, but - as a reminder to the fat lass.

Where I'd reached mid August: 59kg [9 stone 4 lbs]
Where I am currently: 55kg [8 stone 9 lbs]
Where I want to be: 54kg [8 stone 7 lbs]
...or perhaps just a little less

I still have some of that flubber to shift to get back to my former 'happy' weight, and stay there. So, as I do get back to feeling fine and dandy and being rather more active than my still-buggy body can handle right now, I'll need to make a conscious effort to be 'sensible' about what I eat. That is, I need a plan, a strategy if you like, to not go gung-ho crazy once my appetite is back.

Unpleasant as it's been, this bug's provided a welcome period of grace and enabled (er, more forced) me to get my weight down, from my 'aaaargh shock, horror' moment of a few weeks back and get closer to those old long-term comfortable levels.

What I was doing pre-bug was patently the cause of my steadily gaining weight, so I need to be honest with myself about my behaviours and set myself some clear limits, i.e. cutting out that sneaky 'comfort' eating (I know it really doesn't help with the worries) and restricting how much I consume.

So lovely hubby (who had also gained some weight and wasn't overjoyed about it) and I have put on our thinking caps, done some reading and decided that, in addition to being much more vigilant about our portion sizes (bye bye piled plates - let's see a bit of that rim!) and carb intake, we'll also give intermittent fasting (IF) a try. There seems to be some evidence that it might give us a little more help with shifting those last stubborn pounds, and keeping the beggars off, so why not!

There appear to be a variety of ways to 'do' this intermittent fasting business, but only one of them feels workable for us, particularly given the constraints of hubby's Type 2 diabetes, however well 'under control' it might be. That is to set ourselves a 'fasting period' and an 'eating period' every day, rather than consider skipping whole 24 hour periods of food to fast for a day or couple of days each week. While I'm sure the latter works for some folk, it doesn't sound attractive to us.

So, we've chosen a daily 16–hour fast followed by an 8–hour eating period. The exact timing may shift over time, especially if I start full time work again, but right now it suits us.

We're a few days in and so far, so good. We decided to skip our customary early morning breakfasts (I can almost hear the sharp intake of breath), exchanging them for 'brunch'. In practice, this means we eat nothing until after 11 a.m. We'll still have our main meal in the evening usually around 18.00 (6 p.m.) or a tad later, then we make sure we do not eat anything after 19.00 (7 p.m.). If we want to eat between these times then we could have a little snack, but so far we haven't felt the urge to do so.

Neither of us are feeling 'deprived' in any way, nor hungry in the morning (as long as regular cuppas are forthcoming!). Lovely hubby is monitoring his blood glucose every day and, happily, is seeing no signs of IF causing any problem in that respect. In addition to this we are both keeping track of our weight and will test our urine weekly to check that we remain in dietary ketosis. Every little tool helps!

Speaking of things helping - a slight side-track, but on a related note - starting IF seems to have simplified our day a bit too. We're not juggling fitting in preparing/eating our usual three meals a day with the time-consuming palaver which goes in to looking after poor hubby's skin. While we're confident that things are going to plan with his treatment, it is pretty hard on him. Anything we can do to lower daily stresses in other directions has to be a good thing.

The proposed finish line where my weight is concerned (and hubby's, for that matter) isn't too far off. If IF can help us reach it, and stay there, then all power to it. We'll keep you posted.

So for now, dear fat lass, you know what you have to do. You just have to keep going. Onwards, ever... and all that jazz.

The plan...

OK, 2014 is under way and this horse is ready to gallop!

Said I'd think about how best to combat those 'negatives' I have hanging around at the moment, so here's some first thoughts and the beginnings (at least) of the plan.

Black Dog (a.k.a. depression) defence tactics - remember each and EVERY day to remind myself about Mum's 'blessings'. Recognise, and count, at least one blessing - remember, they really do exist. Don't rush - take time to think carefully about it and appreciate it. Spend a moment or two being properly grateful for it. Rinse & repeat. It may help to actually write them down... we'll see.

Fitness - walk, walk, and walk some more as a first stage. Find (make!) time to get back to the abs work in the morning (at the moment, this may mean re-negotiating when lovely hubby's dressings are changed). Make a start, and gradually step things back up and do more. Add back in the upper arm weights (yep, actually use those odd shaped things covered in dust!). Longer term... get back to my love affair with Connie the Concept rower. She's been neglected and needs to feel loved again (oooh, I'm guessing this'll probably hurt, but what the heck!).

And what progress in identifying those positive motivational markers? Well, the jury is still out and considering their verdict at the moment, but I think Gwen has a point when she suggested that I might emulate her and cease wallowing in the loss of the old markers and allow myself to be passionate about the benefits this new low-carb (semi-Primal) way of life has to offer.

Here goes...

Incentive

My lovely hubby has given me a great incentive to get my motivation kicked up a notch. Er, we made the mistake of looking at the sale rail in East at the weekend...

I came away from there the proud new owner of a 'target' dress, in deep purple merino wool, fitted at the bodice then A-line skirted, which, being soft and slinky wool, slinks across every little bump and wrinkle.

My mission (and I've chosen to accept it) is to minimise those bumps and wrinkles to provide a smooth(er) canvas for the beautiful dress.

OK pounds. Your days are numbered. It's gloves off time, and I am coming out of this the winner.

Bullseye!

And altogether quicker than expected too.

No sooner do I decide that my fitness, particulary the quest to improve lung function, is a much more pressing target than my weight loss goals at the moment, than my body decides to make it's own decisions and drop another pound or so.

I was hoping, by the end of this week/beginning of next, to get to down to 58kg and was happy to be making progress in that direction. But, this morning I hopped onto the scales to find I'm already there. In fact, I'm just a shade below that mark. Wow!

I am not complaining in the slightest, mind you. Indeed I'm delighted. I can now set my 'line-in-the-sand' right here and get on the road to stage two of my goal. That's to get comfortably below my current weight... and stay there.

As to the fitness, well the rowing went well today and I'm thinking of upping my strokes/time a bit tomorrow. I've been a bit scared to check my peak flow again, so far, but am going to bite the bullet tonight.

Goals and progress

On September 6th I set myself a target. It was, first of all, to get down to 58kg and set my 'no higher' line-in-the-sand there. There are some follow-on goals to get below that and, finally, to stay there, but that's for slightly later on.

So, here we are a little more than halfway through... how are things going?

Well, I'm sort of halfway there, although my weight remains stubbornly at 59kg this morning, having ambled back up to that from my not-eating, sickbed low of 58kg.

I had hoped I could get a bit further along the way, with the scales needle moving downwards this week again, but looks like it isn't to be. In fact, it went up a bit higher for a couple of days when I first finished my antibiotics. My eating has been good this week (healthy and good portion control) and I've worked up to doing some exercise so I guess that's probably my body adapting to whatever changes are going on.

I'm pleased to say that I've managed a fair amount of walking this week, albeit interspersed with breaks to use my inhaler. I'm not feeling quite up to the rower yet but hope that won't be too long. All in all, I feel like I'm making progress though, and I like the thought that I haven't lost the motivation to reach my goal.

One thing does cast a minor pale shadow though...
While I was unwell and at my lightest, I looked in the mirror but could see no real difference in the appearance of that darned belly flap. It seemed just as noticeable to me as ever, suggesting that I'd need to lose a lot more weight to make much difference to it.

Given that weight is lost from everywhere, not just the belly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. It doesn't affect my motivation to attain my stated goal, but what comes after is going to take some more thinking about. Ho hum.

Restart?... Reinvention?... Whatever!

OK, lots of thinking has passed under my bridge - all about where I am, what I like and dislike and what I want. The result? I finally have a plan to work to again.

The decision is made - I do indeed want to shed a few more of those pesky pounds. Ah well now, if I'm being absolutely honest (and that is the only way to be, my dear fat lass), what I actually want isn't so much a lower number on the scale (although that'd be quite nice) or a smaller dress size, but to rid myself of that unpleasing spongy blobbiness which resides just south of the old belly button.

It isn't just loose skin, you see. Somewhere underneath it there is actually some moderately firmish muscley stuff, just yearning to see the light of day. Trouble is, not only is there that flap of leftover skin on top to contend with, but the apron still holds my secret stocks of FAT, or BLUBBER, call it what you like... probably just in case I get stuck in a blizzard or marooned on a desert island for a month or more.

Loose skin is one thing, but the apron-filling is... er, let's just say not my best feature. So yep, I have YOU in my sights, flabby apron - you'd better watch out!

That said, it's a bit of an airy-fairy, woolly sort of goal, isn't it... doing 'something' to diminish the belly. Hmmm, that way lies failure so a 'firm' plan is called for (if you'll pardon the pun). Sorry to lapse into the dreaded management-speak but it needs to be a SMART goal - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. Nothing nebulous about it, so I don't have any excuse to just bimble along where I am any longer.

So, I've set myself a specific and measurable target of reaching 57 kg (that's 126 lbs or 9 stone 0 lbs). I think this should be both attainable and realistic and ought to help with the apron. 

OK, so I weigh in at 61 kg this morning or 9 stone 8 lbs (grrr, hiss, spit, dammit - that's gone up and I'm both shocked and none too pleased that it is darned well higher than last week!). But don't despair, fat lass. It's got a lot to do with that stressful week/weekend (long story) and if you keep your head the damage isn't irreparable (sigh... and it was supposed to be a nice neat half-stone loss... ho hum).

Anyhow, that just leaves the timely part to deal with. I'm going to aim for a 1lb loss per week. More would be lovely but just not realistic at all. By my shaky maths, in eight weeks time, say by the end of the second week of November (OK, by the 15th if you want to be picky) if I pull my finger out, I should be able to report that I've hit the 57 kg mark. I'll tell you up front, it's going to be an 'interesting' challenge with two birthdays, an anniversary and a holiday to contend with (week six is going to be a doozy!), but what the heck.

Reading this back, with those events on the horizon it actually seems quite ambitious so I'm going to insert a way-point about halfway through to make it seem an bit less big and scary. Sooo, by the time the holiday rolls around I'm looking to be down to 59 kg. Oh dear. Is that rational thinking or a cop out? Hmmm, not sure yet.

Then the plan is onwards, ever downwards from there to 57 kg.

The next step is the 'how to' and, to remind myself, I've looked back at my original 'rules of engagement' and picked out those critical points that apply to me now as much as they did back then.
These were to:
* think before I eat (OK, I mostly do this but... soooo, fatty, do you really, really want it?)
* watch that stress (remember, upsets should not translate into 'eat me' time)
* eat mindfully (take time to enjoy each mouthful... and no like it = ditch it)
* reduce those portions (sure they are much smaller, but they could be tweaked)
* cut down on the salt intake (it has crept up a bit again!)
* cut down on the alcohol I drink (no, it's never much in a week but...)

And as far as exercise is concerned, and looking back to what has worked for me in the past....  every day I WILL:
* get on the rower (minimum 300 strokes - build up if the early morning rush permits)
* do a full set of abs crunches (oooh yes, every last one of 'em)
* beat 10,000 steps walking (OK, so where did I put that pedometer?)
I'll hunt around for an exercise evening class I like too. I fancy something 'different' and fun - maybe weights related. By the way, I'd welcome suggestions for other ways to target that belly too.

Then we'll see what the apron looks like at the new weight. Yes, I do know it won't disappear altogether, but if I'm happy(ish) with it and there's a chance I can wear those darned Levis I'll ease off, see how things go and whether I can maintain there. If still unhappy with the apron, then I may look at going for shedding a few pounds more. Who knows... the world is my oyster... or maybe a scallop or a cockle? In any case, it's my bivalve :-)

So..., in the epic words of Frankie Laine, "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on"

Steady as she goes?

Ah, the curse of a British Bank Holiday weekend. Being at home with my darling lovely hubby for three whole days was absolutely wonderful and I only wish I could do more of it... but being out of my usual routine means that things can easily slip a bit. So slip they did.

No, it wasn't all bad and the eating was actually pretty sensible, with generally decent choices and portions (well, mostly... if you discount that cheese). But it wasn't all that great either, as... [embarrassed squirm]... aside from some walking, housework and a huge heap of ironing the size of a blue whale to plough through, the weekend's quota of exercise was nowhere near what I'd planned or hoped.

All of this means that, overall, the scales are holding steady at pretty much where I was last week. That's sitting on or near the 60kg mark, having jiggled around the line for some time.

OK, so I haven't gone up. Yippee! Definitely cause to feel pleased. But the status quo also flags up the fact that I've missed a golden opportunity. A chance to get that marker moving down below the figure I've been seeing, off and on, for what seems like quite a looooong time. And that missed opportunity means that I'm not one step closer to actually wearing those teensy-tiny pale blue Levi jeans hanging mockingly in my wardrobe.

Feels really quite ironic that, over the weekend, I had to dispose of a lovely long denim skirt which had apparently grown a bit since I last wanted to wear it in early spring. Now too big in the waist it hung from my hips and dragged on the floor (tall I'm not!). Woah, when did that happen? Dammit, but I liked that skirt! Ho hum, back it went to the charity shop from whence it came.

Ooooh, now wait a minute - I don't suppose that maybe, possibly, those jeans might have...? Nah, no such luck!

OK, I can hear someone think, you aren't losing but surely you are fine where you are? Er, that's actually a pretty good question.

It's time I set aside some quiet 'me' time for reflection, took stock and really looked hard at where I am and whether I'm happy to stay here. Maintenance is all very well... if it's where I've decided I want to be. But, right at this moment, I'm not sure I've truly made the decision to maintain rather than continue to shift more flab... for all I seem to be doing it.

Yes, I'm a lot less fat than I've been in years. Yes, I'm fitter and healthier than I used to be. Yes, I can wear 'girly' things without cringing (usually). Yes, that all makes me pretty happy. But I still could be fitter than I am now (er, probably rather a lot fitter to be blunt) and I could be considerably more toned. My belly could definitely stand to lose some more of the flabby filling in that flappy, leftover 'apron' thingy, even if the apron never goes away.

If I'm absolutely honest I think I've been resting on my laurels for quite some time... and I'm not convinced that those prickly leaves are all that comfortable a bed (have you seen those pointy tips?). C'mon fat lass, don't just bimble and drift along but decide what you really do want and make a plan.

Feeling better after a good weekend and a rant

Amazing what getting it all off one's chest can do, isn't it? My weight may not have decreased all that much, but thankfully I'm back to roughly where I started again. Er, let me clarify that! What I mean is that I'm back under my 'shock horror' over ten stone point and wavering around the 62kg mark again. That is a much better place for the fat lass to be.

Better yet, my decidedly grumpy frame of mind has improved somewhat. I've even calmy coped with quite a large liquid spill (hmmm, half a bucket's worth of the wet stuff goes a looooong way!) without getting cross with the individual who made the mess - a big improvement, particularly as they took some persuading to help in the clear-up.

I've already had a lovely walk in the sunshine and am feeling very much more serene. I'll be out there again later, given half a chance. The plan now is to concentrate on eating healthily, walking as much as possible and building in the gym whenever I can (although, sadly, this can't be very often at the moment). My Chi Kung class restarts tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm not going to stress over the weight changes, even if the scales say I've gained again. My clothes still fit, despite the remainder of the bloated feeling around the belly (and ankles!), so I'm going to accept the variations for now, carry on taking my pills and see what happens. It is, after all, very early days.

I'm not giving up. I will reach my target and I will stay there! Oooh, I'd got so close and it was horrifying to think that it might all be falling apart - a little over-reaction on my part but I guess that's hormones for you. But, it wasn't all descending into chaos - it's just that getting to where I want to be just might take a little longer than I'd hoped. That's life though.

Dancing with delight!

I've just looked back a year, to the short-, medium- and long-term goals I had set for myself at that point. Exactly one year ago today, on 9th December 2008, I wrote:

"the long-term goal? Well, we'll see, but if I could stretch to below 10 stone, that'd be amazing."

I'm really happy to see that the fat fairy granted my New Year's wish for 2009!

May everyone's desire for 2010 come true (and however much hard work it takes it is 'so' worth it).

Doing OK

Things are going reasonably well at the moment. I've had a few good days on the trot and feel quietly confident about my next meal out, at an Italian restaurant, on Friday. I promise myself that I really WILL stick to one tall glass of white wine and soda.

I've carefully perused the menu (isn't the web a wonderful thing!) and picked out my 'good as can be' choices ahead of time to give myself a fighting chance. Not an easy task, being sensible, as the menu has cream-based sauces and cheese everywhere I look.

But, I've chosen:
Tomato & Onion Salad - to start (sounds problem free - cross fingers)
Spaghetti Puttanesca - for a main course. I can leave a good deal of the pasta and the 'wet stuff' is mushrooms, peppers and anchovies in a spicy Napolitana sauce, which appears to be mostly tomato and herb (it's usually made with oil so it won't be fantastically 'good' but at least there's no cream in sight... and no cheese either!).

I've been walking as much as I can fit in and rowing each morning. My times are getting longer... slowly and I'm beginning to enjoy it more again. I feel more in control for doing so (even though I grumble when the alarm goes off and I have to drag my butt out of a warm, cosy bed and onto the rower).

I'm drinking lots of water and hitting the fresh stuff as much as I can. Plenty of fruit (satsumas are great at the moment) and vegetables, including the delicious kale.
It's veggie soup for dinner tonight, with home-made wholemeal bread.

That brings me to another thing - I am so, so lucky. My darling lovely hubby is helping me to choose good, sensible food by filling the fridge with tempting healthy treats (peppered smoked mackerel and nectacots amongst them) and cooking up some wonderfully healthy dishes. This makes it so very much easier for the fat lass - he deserves a medal!

The scales are drifting gently to the 'yippee' side of that 65kg mark, so if I keep up the good work it shouldn't be too much longer before I reach that 63kg milestone when I can say to myself that I'm nine stone something. What a day that will be!

Absent...

... and without so much as a note from my mum!

For the next couple of weeks, the fat lass will be sporting designer shades and sunning herself on a yacht moored just off the Côte d'Azur.... a tall, cool, pool-side campari and soda in hand and one high-heeled, strappy gold sandal dangling nochalantly from her perfectly manicured toes.

OK, the reality is marginally less 'rock star' and just a tad more prosaic, but I will be away for a well deserved break and having lots of fun... in hiking boots!

Goals:
I will...

• be mindful of the food I choose, but not be too restrictive
• walk as much as possible
• set aside a little chunk of time each morning for physio exercises
• relax my mind and think positive thoughts
• share time, love and happiness with my lovely hubby
  

If I gain a couple of pounds (or kilos!) I'll sigh, accept it and get busy and focused to take them off again on my return.

Progress

The bathroom scales is my friend this morning. It tells me that, after a week of trying hard, being dedicated to the exercise and careful with food, my weight has dropped to 68 kg (that's 10 stone 10 lbs). I am pretty happy about that. No, let's be completely honest here - I'm absolutely delighted!

This good news means that I am that little bit closer to my next mini goal, which is to weigh in at 66kg. Once I hit that weight (maybe by mid September, with luck, if I continue to be diligent) I will just squeeze myself into the 'normal' BMI band. For the first time in as long as I can recall, I won't be 'overweight' according to the charts.

Er, having pondered this for a while, I can't actually remember when that was! I just know it's been a long, long time. It probably held for just an all too brief interval too. Maybe immediately after the sheer hell of the dreaded Cambridge Diet Plan (do not get me started on that!) and shortly before I put all the weight back on again... plus a substantial chunk more. The really weird part to me, when I think about it, is that my darling lovely hubby has never seen me at this size/weight before, never mind 'normal'.

Of course, even hitting the 66kg mark doesn't mean that I'll be a skinny minny - I'll still be a fat lass. I still have a way to go, but this time I also have a realistic, workable plan to get me there. The final goal is to get to a place well within that 'normal' band, say somewhere in the region of 60 to 62kg, to be healthy and to damned well stay there!

Along the way, I want to reduce the blobby belly and flabby thighs - the part that still reminds me most visibly of the cumulative effects of all my past errors of judgement. Even if the fat bits never truly disappear, and I think it's too much to expect that they will, I can at least make them a little smaller and tone them up a bit.

There are other reminders of all those years I spent damaging myself with my obsessions with food - they mostly can't be seen, but I know they are there. Things like my wee problem, the damaged knees (one of which is playing up and swollen again after only one damn gym visit!) and a somewhat dodgy back! Every morning when I wake up the various joints conspire against me until I get moving and ease out the creaks. Lovely hubby listens with amazement and calls me 'crunchy bones'! A few stretches and a stint on the rower usually reduces their tantrums to a whisper though.

On a serious note, I've spent too much of my life doing myself and my health no favours at all. I really didn't see (or maybe want to see), at the time, what a huge impact the weight problems had on my physical and mental health. I wasted so many years deluding myself - seeing my weight as a temporary problem to be 'quick-fixed' and running around the almost constant dieter's cycle of loss and gain, with the occasional binge thrown in for good measure. I wish I could turn back the clock and undo the poor decisions I've made (both weight related and otherwise) but I can't.

What I can do is commit to eating nutritious, healthy food, not crap, and to using the body God gave me, however flawed, more wisely in the years to come. Having fought the good fight to change my ways, and adopt new healthier habits (aha! old dog + new trick = woof, woof "got it", woof), I never want to turn back into the depressed and unhappy fat lass I was when started this blog. I've said it before - I'll never be a supermodel, I'll never be eighteen again and I won't have the 'perfect' body. But I can, and will, try my best to appreciate the one I do have and work at treating it properly to keep it in some sort of decent shape.

Battling 'down day' head games

Ooh, poor fat lass. It's only early and already it isn't shaping up to be a great day. Whatever the cause, I'm feeling tired, fat and old.

There's no real reason why this should be the case. After all, it's a beautiful summer's morning and several people have mentioned that I look nice today - I put on a girly dress for once as it's predicted to be a very, very hot day. It certainly seems like it will be one!

But somehow 'nice' isn't what I am seeing or feeling. I'm a wee bit bloated and uncomfortable (despite hitting the peppermint tea and then resorting to Rennies) and my head says I closely resemble a beached whale. I'm embarassed by myself today. Hmmm, not good - a 'black dog' attack is not what I need right now.

Right, time for a spot of analysis and self-criticism. Let's see if we can head this one off at the pass! I may be being a bit silly but it feels as though there is a direct link to what I ate yesterday in this. I think I probably ate too much in total and, all in all, yesterday's eating didn't measure up wonderfully well against the 'healthy plate' shown here.

Breakfast was fine. Natural yoghurt and a slice of bread, with a good old Yorkshire cuppa. A nectarine at break was fine too. So far so good.

But, instead of my lovely veggie bits and fruit for lunch (which I stupidly forgot and which languished in the fridge until this morning) I bought a wedge of salmon(ish) and spinach(ish) pie for lunch while I was out walking. At least, I think that's what it was supposed to be. It tasted OK (it had some dill in it) but a) I couldn't be certain what was actually in it and b) the carbohydrate-rich pastry wasn't the best idea I've ever had. It didn't really satisfy me like my veggies do, so I ate a bit of fruit from my work 'snack attack' bowl too. Probably not an altogether unhealthy choice, but it didn't hit the spot.

Then our evening meal, after a looong and lovely walk, was several glasses of Turkish tea and a mixed Turkish kebab of chicken shish and lamb doner. This came with rice, some lovely salad and pitta bread. A delicious treat, but a huge plateful.

Way, way too much in fact, so a doggy bag was needed for the excess meat and rice (managed all the salad though). The remainder now resides in the fridge awaiting a salad on the side... or possibly throwing out. Again, it was probably not desperately unhealthy as take-out food goes, and having it at all is a fairly rare event. The meat was grilled, although there's more fat in doner meat than I'd usually go for. It was quite heavy on the carbs. As to the salt content? Ah, probably best not to enquire - it definitely made both me and lovely hubby hunt for a glass of water.

It ended up being a hectic day, all told, and quite a stressful one as yesterday's post flags up. However, what I didn't do yesterday was eat chocolate, crisps, chips, biscuits or any of the things I would have considered in the past.

I drank a lot of water - it was a rather warm August day. I walked a lot yesterday, both at work and for pleasure. My pedometer reported almost 15,000 steps by the time I took it off at bedtime. Could be why I feel a bit tired (that and not sleeping too well again), but that's all well and good - any exercise is a positive, n'est pas?

OK, being objective, that last paragraph covers the feeling 'tired and old' part, but what about 'fat'? Well, I still am a chunky lass, albeit not as chunky as I was. I've no supermodel body and heartily doubt I could ever have one. My belly does indeed stick out and my BMI is not yet down below 25 - yes, I guess that's a reasonable definition of 'fat'. However, I am still on my (epic!) journey to the new streamlined me. I'm doing something about it and it ain't over yet. It isn't reasonable to beat myself to death over one less than sensible day.

There is a need to learn some lessons from yesterday's choices... like be a bit less forgetful of a morning as lunch in my fridge at home is not a good plan! Choosing more wisely if and when I do forget would be useful too.

I also need to stop with the paranoia - if someone looks at me I shouldn't immediately assume it's a critical look, like they can't believe I have the gall to walk around looking the way I do. My first reaction is still to do the 'fat lass' slide... out of sight, out of mind and right into invisibility as soon as I can manage it. C'mon fat lass, they could just be looking because they like the pretty blue dress.

So do I feel better for thinking things through? Yes, I guess so. Even though there were some things about the day I'd change, there were good things too. It wasn't a total disaster.

Today is going a lot better on the food front. Less (and healthier) is the name of the game. I am still being active and hopped onto the rower like a good girl. I'm pushing life's stresses into a corner - into a box labelled 'not to be worried over'. Hold onto that motivation and keep at it. I still intend to have 'more love per square inch'!

Away, but not absent

Just back from a few days away with my mum, which was absolutely wonderful. I wouldn't have wanted to come home at all except that lovely hubby awaited me (you can now imagine me with a big cheesy grin).

I tried to be 'careful' and eat as sensibly as possible while I was with her. That was a case of small portions, loading up on the veg, and just having a wee bit of the buttery, creamy stuff I was cooking for her. In fact, I found I actually don't like roux-based sauces any longer, especially cheese sauce, and it used to be a firm favourite too.

The old body had a fair bit of exertion too... sometimes even by honest to goodness exercise not just housework. I had some lovely brisk early morning walks before mum was awake - blissful! But, by this morning, I've found that with everything (including the travelling) I have to admit I'm pretty knackered!

I sneakily got on the scales this morning as I was a little concerned that in feeding up my mum (with lots of healthy but high calorie goodness), I was also feeding up the fat lass. I didn't really expect a very good result. I even thought there might be a small rise, but got quite a surprise instead. My weight is back down to the magic 'less than 11 stone' figure of 69.5kg so I am one happy bunny.

It'll be a busy and active weekend with little time to go too far off the rails so I'm hoping this 'may' drop a teensy little bit further by next Monday (my next weigh day). My next mini-goal is to get my weight below 69kg for the first time in years. That'd be really nice. So, it's back to the gym too. I'm really looking forward to doing something positive once again to make the change happen.

What's more, if I can get it down to 66kg in a reasonable length of time I'll be extra-extra-extra-happy. Why? Because, wait for it, I'd then be at a 'normal' BMI... that is, NOT 'overweight'!

Can you believe I'm even contemplating that? I still see myself as the fat lass so strongly (especially when I tried on a swimming cozzie yesterday... and shuddered) that I'm struggling to think I could really be or feel normal again. I know I'm never going to be a skinny bird. Way too much water under my bridge for that to ever happen. But, it would be very nice to think of myself as being a 'normal' woman, and actually believe the evidence I see in the mirror.

Reasons to be cheerful

My lovely little lunch boxes of fresh crunchy vegetables, juicy fruit and delicious natural yoghurt are so much more enjoyable than the rather poorer habits I had got back into. A treat for the eyes as well as the tastebuds. So why did I stop eating sensibly when I actually like it? I can't figure that out at all.

All of a sudden I'm enjoying my rowing again, and have added some abs exercises to the morning's slot too. The walk to work is much more fun these days. There's a bounce to my step and there would appear to be blood circulating in my veins again - in a way I feel more alive. Hmm, I wonder if this means I 'may' be getting back on track.

It's funny but, at the moment, I'm less concerned about the weight aspects of this whole thing (until the next time I hop on the scales I suppose) and much more enthusiastic about the way it's making me feel. Of course, I'd like to see the flabby bits firming up, and the odd measurement decreasing too. That'd be a definite bonus.

We went to the gym and both renewed our memberships last night. Now I'm really itching to go and use it, but I may have to restrain myself until next week as this one is so busy in the evenings and I'll be away from Thursday. Yes, yes, I know! It would have made sense to leave it until next week... but I wanted it done.

The new-found enthusiasm stretches yet further. I've decided to hold off from enrolling in the more gentle and measured Chi Kung class I used to attend, and give 'salsacise' a try. The fat lass going to a dance class? Voluntarily? What a turn around that is!

I hope the knee holds up, so I have a 'plan B' just in case it objects. I may eventually end up going back to Chi Kung. I could even do it as well, as they've changed the night the class is held so there's no clash. What I must do is take things steadily. Don't let it go to your head, girl - no mad rush to do everything at once, then give up after week three!

And, putting a learning point from my recent management course into practice, I've set myself a SMART goal (that's Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-specific). The target is this - by the end of October, when lovely hubby and I celebrate our wedding anniversary and two significant birthdays in Istanbul, my grey walking trousers will be loose on my waist and hips, and not leave a broad reddened mark from the elastic at the waist when I take them off.

That means aiming to get down a clothing size or so, probably to a size 10-12 from where I am now, by:

• sticking to a sensible, healthy eating plan (but not going 'weight loss' mad)
• keeping a food diary (I have been very lax with this recently)
• increasing my activity levels (with the plans above and topping-up the exercise in any little ways I can think of)
• keeping an exercise log (what, how much, etc.)
• measuring and weighing myself regularly (and trying on those trousers!)

Do-able? I think so.

Sense, absence and uncertainty

Hello world - the fat lass is back.

Hmmm, I guess there's been a reason I've been absent and haven't posted for a couple of weeks. It's quite simple. I've been hiding... mostly from myself.

Looking back through the posts made over the last few months (back to the beginning of the year, really), they clearly show that things haven't been right for quite a while. It really hasn't been a great year at all, so far, although I still can't really identify why things have affected me so badly - they just have. Whatever the causes, I've struggled and, oh so often, found myself taking two steps backward for every one step forward.

And the results? My weight has see-sawed in response to my lack of focus. Currently, it's back to being just a shade over 70kg. At my worst point my weight sailed way back up to 74kg and stayed there for a couple of days. You can probably imagine how that made me feel - my self-esteem has had a pretty bumpy ride too.

Sure, the scales have hit the 69kg mark once or twice but that's been for just a few brief moments in time - it has never really dipped below that. Way back in April I moaned about hovering around at a bit over/under 70kg for rather too long. Here we are, nearly July already and I don't feel much has changed. Since I last saw my dietician in March my weight has not reduced significantly, if at all, and that isn't good. Maybe but maybe I can improve on that by the time I see her next, in September?

I think some of my inertia comes down to laziness (cunningly disguised as lack of time) and some from a willingness to take on board comments like 'you look great' and 'you don't want to lose any more weight'. These are well intended, but are not very helpful as inspiration to keep at it.

And I still find it strange/odd/puzzling that on two consecutive days I can feel so utterly different, despite occupying exactly the same body. One day I'll feel relatively slim and 'normal' and be quite pleased with the reflection I catch a glimpse of in shop windows; other days I take one look at myself and want to hide away from the world and put on my baggiest clothes. This has to be mind games, not reality, so how do I get past it and move forward?

I think it would also help if I focus on where I really do want to get to. You see, I've already pretty much surpassed the 'size 14' target which seemed so pie-in-the-sky when I first began. Trouble is, that target never really got replaced by a new one. The 'normal' BMI one is great in words, but my head just can't seem to visualise it.

I guess I know what I should do if I'm serious about losing the additional lbs. That is eat less, exercise more. The big question is... am I serious. I haven't shown many indications of this for some time so how do I make myself actually put my money where my mouth is. I've been trying... but regularly failing.

It might help to examine the pros and cons of where I find myself right now. In no particular order...

Pros:

• c.5 stone down on where I first started, two years ago
• healthier (definitely!) than when I first started
• improved eating habits (fruit/veg = in, chocolate/crisps = out)
• no reversion to steady weight gain
• holding at something like a UK size 12-14 (not too bad from size 24!)
• I can (and sometimes do) wear pretty girly dresses
  
• BMI no longer 'obese' or worse
• still rowing for c.15 minutes each morning
• no more physio visits (although the daily exercises are still ongoing)
• no more inhalers needed

Cons:

• no overall weight loss since c. February/March
• not exercising as much as I should (still no gym or Chi Kung)
• still at an 'overweight' BMI
• that 'orrible belly remains!
• too fat to wear my new Wrangler jeans without a flabby muffin-top
• still prone to the 'under stress = eat food' reaction, even if the type of food's improved

Is this the point where I should kick my butt into action, or just relax and start singing Monty Python's 'Always look on the bright side of life'? Only the fat lass can decide.

One small step for woman...

Well, I've finally got round to putting my money where my mouth is.

Yippee! I got back on the rower this morning and was really quite pleased with how things went too. I'm deliberately taking it gently to begin with but did 200 strokes at a reasonable stroke rate in just over eight minutes and felt like I could have carried on without too much effort. But... and this is a big familiar sort of but... take it gently, girl. You don't want to do your usual silly thing. That's making the world record attempt on day one, getting knackered and disillusioned and giving up by day three - not that I've been there before and have the tee-shirt or anything!

I also got back to doing my (essential!) physio exercises, which I've rather neglected recently. I really need to focus and continue these if I want to stay out of the clutches of the physios... or worse, the surgeon. Again, these went well, so I'm really hoping this good beginning will kick-start me into better behaviour.

What I want to boot myself into includes:
a) taking better care of the physical aspects of my life
b) working up towards a return to the gym
c) thinking much more carefully about food choices and portions
d) shedding some of these remaining pounds and toning up the flubber
e) hitting the big five oh in better shape than I am now
and...
f) not being overweight any longer!

Building on my positive start by a decidedly brisk walk on my way to work (let's keep that blood circulating, fat lass), I stopped off on the way for a quick visit to the supermarket. I now have a beautiful and healthy fruit bowl again, some berries and healthy nibbles for snack attacks and some new herbal tea to try. It's liquorice Yogi Tea which smells really tantalising and spicily delicious.

As soon as I got in, I filled my big (1.5 litre) desk water bottle and drank half a litre straight away then refilled my bottle. The plan is to drink this and refill it at least once today.

As good old Nike would say... Just do it!

Re-motivation

I've been doing some thinking over the weekend and have realised I've been guilty of letting stress overcome me and make me feel powerless again. Focusing on the 'I can't' rather than the 'I can'. 'Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid!

That has to change.

The various family health worries are not going to go away just because I want them to, and it's about time I started dealing with them as a grown up, not letting the frightened child in me run scared. I can't affect others, but what about me?

Let's take a long look at why I started this whole process, way back in June 2007. Yes, I wanted to be less fat. But the biggest driver was doing something to make me healthier - to avoid the prospects of worsening arthritis, and developing diabetes or heart disease. Hopefully, I've come a long way towards making that happen. As a bonus my asthma (which had deteriorated quite a lot) has improved more than I would have believed possible. I cannot remember the last time my inhaler was unearthed from the nether regions of my handbag. I have an asthma review tomorrow and it will be interesting to see if my clinician agrees with my own assessment.

I'm pretty happy with what I'm eating these days. I feel like my 'normal' patterns of eating have shifted to a much healthier diet overall, albeit with occasional lapses. But that's OK and I can't see me ever going back to the way I used to eat. I could still use a little work on reducing portion sizes, and I need to do that in co-operation with lovely hubby.

More recently, in December 2008, I set myself a couple of goals. The first was to reach 70kg. OK, we nailed that one, although I've hung about and shuffled a wee bit over and under it for rather too long. As an aside, today's scales reading is 69kg. Progress, but could do better still.

The second goal was to attain a BMI of 25. That would make me officially 'normal' or, to put it another way, no longer in the 'overweight' class. That'll be reached when I hit 10 stone 5 lbs, around the 65.5kg mark. We are talking eight or nine pounds away from where I am right now. Notice that I say 'when' not 'if'. That's a real surprise to find that I just automatically write (and think) in those terms - I now 'know' I can do it now, you see.

But the thing which will break the current stalemate (with me hovering around 70kg) is to increase the exercise I do - to use up more calories than I'm using at the moment. I need to get back on the rower, and gradually build up my time and speed. I'm at the stage where my knee and back should let me do it. Didn't manage it today, sadly, so guess what I plan to do in the morning.

In the longer term I want to get back to the gym, and I think I can do that too. Maybe not doing the exact routine I used to do, maybe with a couple of modifications so the knee and back won't flare up and ruin my fun, but there's got to be some sort of work-around.

I'm going to add another goal. I currently have a 31" waist (or maybe just a shade under that). But dangling below my waist is that soft blobby (pure fat!) belly which I hate, even though there are some firm-ish muscles underlying the fat. OK, it isn't realistic to think the flubber will magically vanish, even as the weight reduces, but there are things I can do to help. Arrrrgh, a return to the abs exercises!

And my new goal is...? What I want to see is that waist measurement below 30" (below 29" would be even better) and a marked reduction in the flubber. For both, exercise looks like the way to go.

A milestone reached

Well, as of this morning I'm at my mini-target weight of 70kg! I plan to wear my lovely, fitted black (size 12) skirt next weekend for our posh meal, and have been wearing size 12 jeans for most of this one. Not bad, eh?

If someone had told me I'd be in this position this Monday morning, I'd have expected to be delighted, over the moon, dancing with joy, etc. But I'm not. In fact, I feel rather down at the moment.

I've had a lovely weekend, eaten good healthy food (including a couple of great salads), walked for miles in the sunshine and totally blitzed the flat so it gleams. Lovely hubby and I have been together and we've cuddled and chatted, solved a couple of computer problems and generally enjoyed our own company. He cooked us a gorgeous dinner of baked pollock with coriander and lemon, steamed pak choi and carrots last night - delicious!

But this morning I feel bluesy and don't understand why.

The logical bit of me acknowledges just how far along this journey I've come, with an overall loss of some 30kg from when I began. Yes, I can be 'happy' about that, but in a strangely unemotional sense.

Even the wonderful news that my darling has passed an exam he took recently (and done very well too!) cheers me, but doesn't totally lift the gloom.

What's the matter with me? Apart from me being a miserable cow, that is.