Get it on!

No, I'm not banging gongs and turning into a female Marc Bolan, that's just my little reminder message to me.

But it seems like a great time to set myself a new goal. Not a New Year's resolution, but a nice target to aspire to. I'm talking about a certain pair of pale blue, stonewashed jeans which I bought a looooong time ago as a 'target' garment. These are jeans that are almost... but still not quite... wearable in public. It's these I'd really rather like to 'get on'.

They are a pair of Levi 529 Women's Curvy Boot Cut Jeans which, supposedly, were designed to fit 'curvier' ladies, i.e. those without that boyish look, but with larger hips than waist. They are a size 27" waist which, in theory,should now be too big for me (as my 'waist' is smaller than that), but... er, aren't!

Too big for me, huh? These teensy, tiny things? C'mon, I'm nearly laughing my socks off here. Hmmm, you see, that 'waistband' doesn't actually sit anywhere near 'my' waist but a fair way further south. Sort of neatly over the podgy bits, hence the reason I haven't been able to wear them... yet.

Sure, I can get them around the old carcase relatively easily (e.g. with little to no swearing, and without laying back on the bed and tugging madly). The zip does up, all the way, without too much effort. But... and this is a pretty significant 'but', I'm going to need to reduce the general flubberiness (is that a real word?) around belly rather more before I'll venture out of the privacy of my boudoir with them on.

Better tone is definitely needed as, right now, my carefully cultivated collection of loose skin and remaining fat sort of bunches up above the waistband in a none too attractive fashion. Under a loose sweatshirt or heavy-weight top the jeans'd be just about acceptable, but with a tee-shirt? Er, nope! I'm really not a fan of the distinct (if somewhat poorly-baked) muffin top!

My plan though, as they are quite a thinnish denim, is to wear them in the late spring/early summer. This means shedding a bit more of the fat lass stuffing, and toning up the muscles which are there (truly!) underneath. So, how is this going to happen?

I've already mentioned weight targets (and heading in the right direction) and the rowing this year, and that's building up nicely. I also flagged up an intent to 'do something' about those abs and I'm pleased to report that work started on that yesterday morning. An easy 'in' so far, but with a plan to build up to bigger and better as soon as I can.

Yesterday, when I intended to post this, I was going to say "I feel OK at the moment, but have a sneaky feeling that I may be a tad sore later". I can happily report this morning that I was right. I am a wee bit sore. Must be doing something right then!

I've made a start and am happy to say it wasn't too much of a shock to the system. Onwards ever.

A line in the sand...

I said I'd been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well, OK, that's done it. I've set myself some new targets and re-drawn my very own 'do not cross' line.

What's prompted this, you may ask. Well, before I explain, I want to reiterate that I'm really pleased to be (and remain) a whole lot slimmer and healthier than I used to be, with all the fringe benefits which come along with this. However, for a while now I've been less than ecstatic with the finer details of the way I look.

Ungrateful? Probably, and I'm a tiny bit ashamed to be looking at 'vanity' issues here, but it is part of who I am and I can't push it to the back of my mind any longer.

Over the last year or so I have sort of roughly 'maintained' my current level of weight loss, albeit whilst not actually intending to. I've been fairly happy, but fooled myself that I was still in weight loss mode. I certainly became much less focused and can see now that I wasn't truly serious about it.

My weight has cycled up and down between 60kg and 62kg or thereabouts for quite a long time. But, even at the lower end of the range and when I'm being far more diligent about the abs exercises than I've been recently, I've still got a noticeable belly. I may have mentioned it once or twice before... it's not too obvious most of the time (in clothes, anyhow) but I can't say I love it.

This is my delightful flappy extra bit where the excess skin flap from being obese for years is left behind. It's the place where much of the remainder of my fat hangs out (and, oh yes, I do mean 'hang'). What's more, when I gain weight, it hits here first.

To be frank, no matter how diligent I do get with the abs work, this flab-filled flap resides on top of whatever muscle I develop. It just ain't going to go away by exercise alone, even if the underlying structure is held in a teensy bit more. The fat lass has been gently deluding herself over this, methinks. It will only actually be diminished by my losing, shedding, shrinking, call it what you will, further amounts of the fat inside it. Don't worry, I'm under no illusions here - I do know that I'll always have the skin flap, unless I resort to surgery. I would just like it to bother me less.

Add to this that I've recently been looking into a number of models for calculating the 'ideal' weight range for a woman of my age, frame and height. Oooh dear - that was a bit of a stopper!

Even though I'm sitting somewhere near the middle of the 'normal' BMI banding, feeling fairly virtuous that this was a pretty darned 'good' place to be, the general consensus from these models (including Devine's and Robinson's) seems to be that I should actually weigh somewhere between 55kg and 58kg. In case the penny hasn't dropped, that is a whole big chunk less than I weigh right now. Kind of knocks the wind out of one's sails. It's certainly made me sit back and think.

Trouble is, I kind of thought I'd already gone far enough. Having lost around six and a half stone since I first started my lifestyle changes (not diet!), I haven't felt that I really want (or 'ought') to lose a significant amount more. But where does this (rather unscientific) decision stem from and why should I have thought this way?

I wonder if, subconsciously, I've been worried in case it makes me look old(er!) and haggard, maybe, or if I'm scared to get obsessive about the numbers on the scale and head towards 'too skinny' territory. I really don't want to end up being bony and emaciated or (worse!) unhealthy. By this, I mean like some (or do I mean many?) female 'celebrities' - women like Mrs Beckham who, slender as she undoubtedly is, looks drawn, permanently ill-nourished and dissatisfied. Sorry, but she and her ilk are no role models for me. I'm certainly not driven to get into the next clothes size down either as I'm fairly content where I am. I like the clothes I wear these days, and it's a very big thing for me to be able to say that. You heard it here - the fat lass likes dresses!

But maybe I could do with losing a bit more? If that weight loss includes at least some of the belly fat and I get my scales to move downwards, say to around the 57kg mark (c.9 stone), as opposed to where I am now, maybe the belly would be significantly less noticeable or perhaps I would just feel more comfortable with it.

OK, deep breath time. Is this realistic? Or, even if it's possible, is it sustainable? Hmmm, do you know, I'm not really sure yet.

Worth a shot though? Yes, I guess it might be.

So it looks as though my old get on the scales 'do something!' line may have been set a bit too high. It's been at 62kg (er, actually 63kg was the absolute screaming horrors mark), but perhaps it's about time it was re-drawn a bit further down.

By adjusting food and portions I'm already starting to see some pounds come off. Increasing the exercise should help too, so I'm going to mentally reset my line to 58kg... and see
a) what I can do about getting there  (I'm currently at 60kg)
b) what I can do about getting my weight a kilo or so below that line
and
c) what I can do about keeping it there

So I now have a clearly measurable target. I want to lose around 3kg from where I am now - that's c.6-7 pounds. Let's set myself a time-scale to work to. Going sure but steady I think that sort of loss 'should' be achieveable over about a six week period and that would take me to mid-October.

Right, roll up those sleeves. It's time for the fat lass to step up to the plate! ... or should that be step 'away' from the plate?

Restart?... Reinvention?... Whatever!

OK, lots of thinking has passed under my bridge - all about where I am, what I like and dislike and what I want. The result? I finally have a plan to work to again.

The decision is made - I do indeed want to shed a few more of those pesky pounds. Ah well now, if I'm being absolutely honest (and that is the only way to be, my dear fat lass), what I actually want isn't so much a lower number on the scale (although that'd be quite nice) or a smaller dress size, but to rid myself of that unpleasing spongy blobbiness which resides just south of the old belly button.

It isn't just loose skin, you see. Somewhere underneath it there is actually some moderately firmish muscley stuff, just yearning to see the light of day. Trouble is, not only is there that flap of leftover skin on top to contend with, but the apron still holds my secret stocks of FAT, or BLUBBER, call it what you like... probably just in case I get stuck in a blizzard or marooned on a desert island for a month or more.

Loose skin is one thing, but the apron-filling is... er, let's just say not my best feature. So yep, I have YOU in my sights, flabby apron - you'd better watch out!

That said, it's a bit of an airy-fairy, woolly sort of goal, isn't it... doing 'something' to diminish the belly. Hmmm, that way lies failure so a 'firm' plan is called for (if you'll pardon the pun). Sorry to lapse into the dreaded management-speak but it needs to be a SMART goal - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. Nothing nebulous about it, so I don't have any excuse to just bimble along where I am any longer.

So, I've set myself a specific and measurable target of reaching 57 kg (that's 126 lbs or 9 stone 0 lbs). I think this should be both attainable and realistic and ought to help with the apron. 

OK, so I weigh in at 61 kg this morning or 9 stone 8 lbs (grrr, hiss, spit, dammit - that's gone up and I'm both shocked and none too pleased that it is darned well higher than last week!). But don't despair, fat lass. It's got a lot to do with that stressful week/weekend (long story) and if you keep your head the damage isn't irreparable (sigh... and it was supposed to be a nice neat half-stone loss... ho hum).

Anyhow, that just leaves the timely part to deal with. I'm going to aim for a 1lb loss per week. More would be lovely but just not realistic at all. By my shaky maths, in eight weeks time, say by the end of the second week of November (OK, by the 15th if you want to be picky) if I pull my finger out, I should be able to report that I've hit the 57 kg mark. I'll tell you up front, it's going to be an 'interesting' challenge with two birthdays, an anniversary and a holiday to contend with (week six is going to be a doozy!), but what the heck.

Reading this back, with those events on the horizon it actually seems quite ambitious so I'm going to insert a way-point about halfway through to make it seem an bit less big and scary. Sooo, by the time the holiday rolls around I'm looking to be down to 59 kg. Oh dear. Is that rational thinking or a cop out? Hmmm, not sure yet.

Then the plan is onwards, ever downwards from there to 57 kg.

The next step is the 'how to' and, to remind myself, I've looked back at my original 'rules of engagement' and picked out those critical points that apply to me now as much as they did back then.
These were to:
* think before I eat (OK, I mostly do this but... soooo, fatty, do you really, really want it?)
* watch that stress (remember, upsets should not translate into 'eat me' time)
* eat mindfully (take time to enjoy each mouthful... and no like it = ditch it)
* reduce those portions (sure they are much smaller, but they could be tweaked)
* cut down on the salt intake (it has crept up a bit again!)
* cut down on the alcohol I drink (no, it's never much in a week but...)

And as far as exercise is concerned, and looking back to what has worked for me in the past....  every day I WILL:
* get on the rower (minimum 300 strokes - build up if the early morning rush permits)
* do a full set of abs crunches (oooh yes, every last one of 'em)
* beat 10,000 steps walking (OK, so where did I put that pedometer?)
I'll hunt around for an exercise evening class I like too. I fancy something 'different' and fun - maybe weights related. By the way, I'd welcome suggestions for other ways to target that belly too.

Then we'll see what the apron looks like at the new weight. Yes, I do know it won't disappear altogether, but if I'm happy(ish) with it and there's a chance I can wear those darned Levis I'll ease off, see how things go and whether I can maintain there. If still unhappy with the apron, then I may look at going for shedding a few pounds more. Who knows... the world is my oyster... or maybe a scallop or a cockle? In any case, it's my bivalve :-)

So..., in the epic words of Frankie Laine, "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on"

That kick in the pants is working!

Well, praise be. OK, I haven't said a lot here recently, but there's some positive news from the fat lass at last. I am managing to scrape together a little motivation and be a good girl (or, at least, a better one) again. After a little thought and head scratching, I'm using the 'carrot and stick' approach to make sure this happens.

The first part of this 'carrot and stick' is a pair of tight trousers, which I am insisting on wearing to work despite the hot, humid, sticky weather. I'd be much more comfortable in a skirt, but this is not going to happen just yet. The trousers (particularly the waistband) are definitely a very effective stick for me right now as they are not really a summer-weight material or fabric. I can assure you, a slightly soggy (be honest - sweaty), restrictive wodge of material around my fat bit is soooo not what I want to feel all day long. So, the plan is (and it seems to be working) that it reminds me, quite forcibly, that I need to shed those excess lbs... sooner rather than later!

And, to get the loss underway, I've gone back to eating proper weight-loss portions, have cut out those 'little treats' (except for fresh peas from the pod - yum!) and am back to walking with enthusiasm. I've started my morning rowing again and plan to be as active as possible at the weekend.

The other part of the cunning plan is a big, fat, juicy carrot. This orange vegetable is actually something which I'm expecting to arrive in the post in the very near future. It's a pair of long-coveted Levi jeans, in a pale stonewashed blue. I've hummed and hahed over buying a pair for quite a long time as they are silly money. But, as a target to aim for, I think they'll be worth it so I've ordered a pair with the waist size I had when I returned from holiday.

So, how are things going? Well, not desperately quickly, but at least in the right direction. I'm hovering at just a tad above 60kg at the moment (which is a whole lot better than the 62kg point I did keep seeing on the scales!). If I keep going as I am, I may be able to get down to a more satisfactory 59kg by the end of next week... with a little luck and a downwind breeze. That'd put me right back to where I was when I came home from holiday and in a great position to move on towards my next target.... those lovely Levis!

Now I feel more in control again it's affecting all aspects of life. Actually, life feels GOOD again!

January scales

Nope, I didn't mis-spell it! This is nothing to do with discounts and start of the year 'buy one, get one' offers. This is the moment for the annual confession and review, and there's both good news and bad to report.

OK, let's get the bad bit over first and admit to the number I saw on the scales this morning. It's a gain for the fat lass and I'm now right back at 64kg (just over my ten stone milestone). Having managed to keep those pesky lbs off in the run-up to Christmas, a drop-off in exercise and slightly looser control over my eating patterns during the period between Christmas and New Year (mostly when we were away) means that I'm around two or three pounds up. Hence I'm a wee bit more of a fat lass to start 2010 than I'd like to be.

But, there is actually some good news hidden away in these words too. This 'good' centres primarily on the fact that I've ONLY gained this much, as I didn't leap completely off the wagon and gain masses of weight, and that I'm still fairly close to that miracle ten stone mark. Looking back over the last few years, the progress I've made with my weight loss becomes much more clear. Hmmm, this blogging lark really does have some extra benefits I hadn't thought too much about before.

So, let's review things - around this time in January 2008 I was congratulating myself on my weight being down to an astonishing 85kg or 187 lbs (13 stone 5 lbs). That was a very big deal for me and I was overjoyed to still be losing weight steadily some six months, or so, on from my blinding moment on the road to Damascus!

Then, last January I bemoaned a gain which put me back at 75kg or 165 lbs (11 stone 11 lbs). That followed being 'relatively' careful, but taking my eye off the ball at the final stages of the holiday season. Even so, I could see the bigger picture and what a difference that year had made to me, and it made me happy and remotivated me.

As you'll have gathered my mental arithmetic is never the best, but I still make it an overall loss of 11kg over the last year, and that's not too far short of two stone of my hated flab that I've managed to shed. If I look right back to where I was when I began this 'change of life' I've lost somewhere in the region of six stone. Wow! Needless to say, I'm very, very happy about that. But that's just the weight side of things and the bathroom scales don't show the whole picture.

Let's look at 'scales' in another sense - balancing what was against what is now.

The improvement in my health is the cause of most of my rejoicing. I still carry the dreaded salbutamol inhaler in the depths of my handbag (lovely hubby calls it my suitcase!), but never need to use it. These days I rarely get totally breathless... unless I completely overdo the exercise enthusiasm! I don't even know where the horrible steroid inhaler is. My peak flow is something I'm now quite happy with. In fact, I no longer consider myself to class as 'asthmatic'.

What's more, I no longer fear the almost inevitable onset of Type II diabetes and coronary heart disease anytime soon. Their spectres may not have gone away for ever (I guess the damage I've done to myself over the years cannot be completely reversed) but at least I think I've managed to postpone them for a fair few years to come.

OK, my joints haven't made it to 50 in the best condition, and they crunch and crack and ache daily. But those joints have such a lot less to contend with now that they used to. Heaven knows what state I'd have been in by now if I hadn't done something to address the pressures they were dealing with. All in all, my fitness is generally better now than it's ever been - and that's still whilst I'm feeling a shade guilty that I've slacked off and gone slightly backwards!

'What' I eat has undergone a radical transformation and my tastes have changed to the extent that a lot of my old cravings actually make me react with an instant 'yuck' if I see them now. The 'plus' sized burger meal or a dripping cheesy, meat-laden pizza? No thanks! As I write I'm enjoying my morning tea with my customary crisp, crunchy Pink Lady apple. Delicious!

And, in my downsized fat lass world, the word 'fun' now comes before 'food' in my dictionary. I think that's a pretty big change, and one worth noting.

My appearance has changed dramatically too. I don't just mean my size, which certainly has altered, but the fact that I now actually care what I look like and try to make the best of myself, flaws and all. I've been told on more than one occasion that I've got younger and I 'sort of' get the point.

Because I now look pretty normal (to my eyes) and I don't try to hide away, my confidence has returned to a large extent. I feel 'womanly' again and dress more adventurously - this fat lass has moved far away from the baggy cover-ups and graveyard palette and now wears fitted clothes in pale shades and colours!

So, back to the review:

Has it been worth it so far?
Yes!
No regrets at all - I only wish I had started this years ago.

Will I keep working at weight loss and lose those last few pounds in 2010?
Yes!
I'm already planning to wear my next, smaller-sized, 'target' skirt (even though it means I may have to discard some current favourites) and am all set for salsacise and the gym to start again next week.

Will I keep the lost lbs off?
Yes!
It won't be easy and I expect there'll be a lot of moaning and groaning along the way, but I will not go back to being the old fat lass. She is out of my life and I'm quite happy with that. It feels like I've rediscovered (well, regained actually) the old 'me' who got buried under my excess weight and seemed completely lost for ever. Amazingly, she was still in there somewhere - it's great to have her back.

On the home straight

This humble and well pummelled set of bathroom scales is my new best friend. Bleary eyed, and in a moment of madness at 5.30am a few days ago, I hopped onto them (after 'that' internal conversation about how I really shouldn't) and yipped with delight, then dragged lovely hubby into the bathroom to see what the fuss was about. I must admit, even at that time of the morning, he was pretty pleased too.

Yep, the needle was BELOW that 10 stone mark and... after a weekend of festivities, it still is! OK, it's only a little way below the line but it means I can put hand on heart and honestly say I'm 9 stone something. Picture me dancing and whooping and hanging coloured bunting out of the window.

I cannot even remember the last time my weight was in this category. Lovely hubby has never ever seen me at anything like this weight as I was quite a well-upholstered lass when we first met. I'm not sure he even knew I possessed bones! What I do remember is that it was a long while back, and will have happened in those brief glory days following yet another 'diet'. I also know that it wouldn't have lasted very long before I put the weight back on.

So, while I'm celebrating, and skipping around like a hyperactive kitten, at the back of my mind I'm holding firm to the idea that I still have to lose those remaining pounds and I will have to work hard to do it. That means keeping a firm grip on the food and the exercise, that vital pairing, as always. I still have several substantial 'seasonal meal' hurdles to overcome (including both a Christmas lunch and a Christmas dinner today!) and then the Christmas period itself.

But, the 'finishing line', that point I've shied away from committing myself to in writing, is now in sight. When (and that is indeed a 'when' not an 'if') I get down to my longed-for 60kg (that's around 9 stone 7lbs) I will, in all probability, call a halt to the weight 'loss' part of my journey and focus on the task of staying there. Watch out for me, maintenance, cos here I come.

Assuming I don't completely forget those hard-learned lessons I've been working on for the last two and a half years, and keep to a sensible eating plan to keep the flubber off (which I plan to!), my next goal will be to concentrate on toning this new-found body. Next year will see this fat lass refining the exercise plan, adding in more weights work to make this carcass look as good as fifty years of life and the ravages of years of misuse will allow. Right now I remind myself of a Shar Pei puppy when I undress so I shan't be modelling next season's bikinis!

I've already signed up for another term of salsacise and, although prior to Christmas is not looking likely, January 2010 will definitely see an earnest return to the gym for this fat lass.

Update:
Christmas meal no. 1 for today has just gone well. Chose the healthiest thing on the menu, which was a chargrilled vegetable wrap, with loads of peppers and onions but no mayo, dressing or other rubbish. I left 99% of the heap of string-fries which came with it. It was delicious. That, with a glass of fruit juice, was lunch. What's more, no-one batted an eyelid at my un-festive choice. Have walked some 11,500 steps so far today and plan to walk more before the day is done.

Back to normal...

...in more than one sense.

Yep, it's back to normal. The fat lass is back after a few fabulous days in the warm autumn sunshine with her lovely hubby and her beloved Mum.

The first 'back to normal' is that lovely hubby and I have finally stopped shaking. We had a rather too close for comfort incident on our drive home when a large deer (well it looked pretty darned big to me!) bounded out of a hedgerow just in front of us. Lovely hubby is my hero as he took avoiding action (if he'd just braked we'd have hit the thing and been hit from behind by the car very close behind us looking to overtake). His good sense got us, the deer and the other driver safely away from this somewhat unanticipated problem. His ROSPA training obviously kicked in when it was needed - he really should have been given the Gold award, in my opinion, even though the Silver is great. I wonder if the deer has stopped shaking yet?

Aside from that scary incident, what a wonderful weekend it has been. On Saturday we sat by the sea and nibbled naughty but freshly-fried fish & chips, thoroughly enjoying every morsel (although Mum and I did share a portion of chips and couldn't finish more than half). As we sat, we watched the world pass us by, all enjoying the unexpectedly clement weather as much as we were to judge by the smiling faces.

I did some cooking for us too, which is quite a treat these days as lovely hubby is my main man in the kitchen. I do miss being 'domestic' at times so I made the most of my opportunity with grilled lamb chops and pasta with red pepper sauce (which Mum loved), and a very healthy vegetable, sprouting bean and prawn stir fry (which I loved). Hmmm, I can see the wok coming out of retirement again in the near future as it tasted so fresh it could quite easily have done without the prawns. I'd probably add in a bit more garlic, some fresh ginger and a nice spicy chilli or two for my tastes though.

I found myself rather idly wondering what this weekend of 'feast' not 'fast' would do to my weight, but I didn't actively worry about it. I was expecting a bit of a gain although I was relatively sensible with portion sizes and food choices. Well, I found out what the effects of this weekend were this morning...

...I'm back down to that 'normal' target of 66kg! So, let's see if I can get another pound off before I see the dietician, hopefully for the last time, next week.

Am I happy? Yep! I'd say so.

Plodding closer

I should be pretty happy... but I don't feel it today. Instead, I'm a little bit down, a tad achy and rather tired again and I'm praying that I'm not sickening for something. Added to this, I am not having a great day at work and the (non air conditioned) office is like a sauna. This 'grumpy old fat lass' attitude is exacerbated by humid, uncomfortable weather. Like yesterday, it's muggy, grey, overcast and really sticky here. So much so that I'm praying for a jolly good thunderstorm to clear the air. I don't even mind if I get caught out in it... without a coat.

OK, so why should I actually be a bouncy, cheerful, happy fat lass? Well, as of Monday morning's weigh in, I was down to 66.5kg. That's just a single pound of flab away from my 'normal' BMI band target. By this time next week (if I can keep my head and don't let my black dog bite me) I should be there.

From where I first started a couple of years ago, I have come a long way and, not wishing to sound ungrateful, I am very glad to be here. In fact, I've moved past the point I'd hoped for in my 'wildest dreams' fantasy. That was to be able to squeeze myself into a size 14 dress size and wear it in public, feeling OK about myself. Don't laugh, but I even went a bit crazy at the weekend and bought a pair of (I think seriously sexy) black leather trousers from a charity shop. My sister thinks I'm a madwoman!

You know though, it's sort of funny. I thought I'd be truly elated to have got even half this far, shouting from the rooftops, waving bunting and doing the Snoopy happy dance as an absolute minimum. But somehow all that ecstatic joy I thought I'd feel isn't materialising. To me, it simply doesn't feel like I've 'got there' yet. I have to admit that I'm not entirely clear about precisely where 'there' is, but never mind. My head is firmly tuned in to a point past the 'normal' target, and on to visualising my next little goal...

...getting myself firmly into the 'safe zone' in the middle of that BMI band. From where I am right now, another 3kg loss would be nice please... pretty please.

And then the next goal, of course, learning how to stay there. Right, off for a brisk walk now!

I'm losing it

The weight, that is... thankfully.

After a holiday weekend of hard labour (OK, decorating the kitchen) the scales reported a nice little loss for me yesterday morning. I'm now at 67.5kg, which I make to be somwhere around 10 stone 9 lbs. It would probably have been a slightly bigger loss but for the exceptionally poor 'meal' choices we made while the kitchen was out of action ...chips? ...ice cream? ...beer? Silly fat lass!

But... even so, I am now firmly into long forgotten territory - when was I last at this weight? Was I happy back then? I sure am right now!

I only have another three pounds of fat to get rid of before I reach my next little aim (actually, it's quite a big one)... to be a 'normal' fat lass. Keep up that walking and rowing girl!

We are not alone...

Nah, don't run away! Keep reading, there's no mumbo jumbo 'aliens from outer space' rubbish, just a fat lass who has figured out, having hidden from the world for a wee bit too long, that she's not the only one struggling with the ongoing battle of the bulge.

It's been a while since I posted... again! I've spent quite a lot of the intervening weeks pondering, questioning, doubting, dwelling and generally thinking. Most of this has revolved around my tricky question from the last post, which is "what do I really want?".

Hmmm, I've decided that, even though I am somewhere in the region of seventy pounds lighter than when this odyssey began, what I want is to do is lose a bit more weight. Whoa, that must be the revelation of the decade, I can almost hear you say! But seriously, I wasn't really sure whether that was part of my grand plan or not.

Now I am sure and am heading to the gym tonight, with my lovely hubby, and we are both renewing our membership! Lunch is back to crudites, fruit and a brisk walk around the block... if not further.

I think I mentioned that, being down to a size 12/14 and holding steady, I've already exceeded where I ever dreamed I could get to. That's a good thing. I think I also mentioned that I've struggled with well meant but somehow unhelpful comments from several people who think I've "lost enough weight". After all, I "wouldn't want to look skinny now, would I?".

Er, what? Let's have a reality check here please. OK, I'll admit that I do look a whole hell of a lot better than I did when I carted that extra 5 stone of blubber about with me. But... at c. eleven stone I am still officially at an 'overweight' BMI for my, not very tall, five foot four inches. That is clearly NOT a 'normal' BMI, wouldn't you agree?

I still have a 31" waist (that's not exactly a wasp waist in my book) and I definitely posess a broad behind. I have fat legs and a flabby belly of which I am not proud and would love to be rid! Sure, I look 'better', but why, for heavens sake, would I not want to look 'skinny'? Or even 'normal'.

When I sat and thought about it, several of those comments came from people who say, usually with a sad sigh, that they 'ought to lose a few pounds' too. Then we usually have the 'how have you done it' conversation. I'm sure you'll know the one I mean.

That's the one that comes with the expectation of my secret being a 'green tea and a happy smile' or 'never eating carbs on a Thursday'. A neat solution that made me lose all this weight with no effort whatsoever on my part. Somehow, nearly two years of eating significantly less and moving this flabby carcass substantially more doesn't cut the mustard at all, and the conversation soon veers off in another direction.

Another thing I noticed was that I'd stopped reading the blogs other ladies so eloquently write about their weight loss journeys. Inspirational ladies like Lyn (Escape From Obesity) and Sara (Sara Gets Skinny) and Lynn (Hungry Little Caterpillar). You can see their sites by clicking on the links on the right. I think this was to do with feeling really unsure of myself and my aims, and somehow feeling a failure for 'giving up the fight'.

But, I've been back to their sites today and guess what. They too have or have had their struggles and are not ashamed to admit it to the world. So, looks like I'm in good company then.

I just want to say to those ladies (even though it's unlikely that any of them will see this), and anyone else out there who gives a damn, thanks for sharing the imperfect times as well as the successes. I hope your wishes turn into reality. Somehow, knowing that we share similar worries, setbacks and so on is just as inspirational as hearing about the good times - we truly are not alone.

Indulgences

Looking back through the last week or so, even more so when I sat down and read my food diary, it is pretty apparent that I've been allowing myself daily 'treats'.

Not a great idea, huh? If I want to achieve my targets I'm going to have to get some degree of control back.

Sure, I've felt 'hungry' - mostly for stodge, or at least I think I have, but I don't actually recall having only had starvation rations at meal-times which leads to a loudly grumbling tum! I've been eating a decent amount, in fact, rather more than a 'decent' amount. All this made me wonder why I'm doing the 'treats' thing to myself again, and an answer soon popped into view. It's my old nemesis, stress.

OK, sure, yes, work has been very hectic and the rest of this year is probably going to be quite hard, for a variety of reasons. Still, that didn't seem to have been too heavy a load until the week of the big freeze and the knock-on travel difficulties. That seems to have been the tipping point, and appears to have started this trend (so, here's poor excuse no. 1).

Then last weekend brought news regarding lovely hubby's health which kicked off my 'instant worry' habit, cue sleepless nights (poor excuse no. 2). This was closely followed by concerns over my mother's health (and here comes poor excuse no. 3).

Last Tuesday brought flooding (oh pee, belly, bum and other rude words!) and also health/hospital news from my sister (that's handed me poor excuse no. 4). Wednesday was pretty sane, but Thursday? Fretting about lovely hubby's hospital appointment, although, thankfully, we now have a positive outcome. And Friday night, news of my brother-in-law's redundancy (yet again, poor soul) and the flood returns... just as you think it's gone!

So here we go again - the fat lass eats!

Amazingly, the scales haven't reacted badly to my week of indulgences. I haven't lost anything (not surprisingly) but haven't gained either, so am still sitting at 71kg.

So, before things begin to go pear-shaped (or even more pear-shaped than I am already) this looks like the perfect point to say 'enough'. This cannot go on! I need to keep myself 100% aware of what I'm doing to myself and find other ways to handle my worries.

A practical start to doing this would be to 're-discover' some of my tricks from last year: only take the right change with me to buy a cuppa, pack a healthy lunch the night before, keep fruit and low-cal snacks within reach, etc. I've filled my work fruit bowl this morning with lovely oranges and apples so this week should be a little more prepared.

For another thing, I have to work on saying 'no' to the treats that other people bring in. I thought I had that sorted, but I've obviously drifted. I also need to figure out a way to provide some 'treats' for lovely hubby that don't involve naughty food.

I realise too that I need to add in more exercise than I'm currently managing. OK, so I walked from the far side of town on a couple of evenings as the traffic was so bad that it was quicker, but a midday walk** should be back on the cards now the ice has fled (at least, I hope it has), so I shouldn't be using that as an excuse to sit on my ass.

Update: Went out walking for just over an hour this lunchtime. The fat lass wins a prize!

Time to get proactive, not reactive. And to get active, full stop!

New Barnet

Doesn't it feel great to have a good old trim 'n tidy. Makes the world seem brighter somehow, especially when a) you like the result, b) people notice, and c) they agree it looks nice.

I do admit that the new style is maybe a wee bit more radical that I'd banked on. It's my usual story - I mentioned, quite casually, that I'd like to have it fairly short, and that was definitely what I got. I'd forgotten I had ears, but sub-zero temperatures have soon reminded me!

Still, my overgrown mop was badly overdue some attention - it should have been cut before Christmas. Think Shaggy from Scooby Doo (without the bristley chin!) and you'll get the picture. I almost find myself singing 'I can see clearly now...' in the morning and it dries within minutes, no messing about with a hairdryer any longer. Phew! A bit like make up, that never was my forte.

Some good news on the avoirdupois front too. Despite a weekend with its fair share of naughties (like those fish and chips on Friday and a Sunday roast), the weekly hop on the scales this morning showed me to be down to 71kg. Yippee! It looks like I'm edging closer to my next mini-target of 70kg. Maybe I'll make it in another couple of weeks?

That dress... mk 2

Well, the scales have started dropping again... slowly, but I need to stay focused on losing the flubber and keep my motivation firmly in place.

My last tangible target, clothes-wise, was a long black, slinky, size 14 evening gown.

And yes, apart from the fact that I'd need to be a good six inches taller (even in high heels) before it'd be the right length and that the horrid belly still shows up as a patently visible lump, I could actually wear it somewhere now. I might even get away with sitting down.

Only 'could' wear it though as I'm pretty unlikely to go anywhere requiring such dressy apparel. Lovely hubby and I just don't 'do' that sort of evening stuff, and I can't say I'm itching to change my ways to that extent... not just to wear a dress! Maybe I could get it shortened but, to be frank, I don't feel that fantastic wearing it - beautiful as it is, it really isn't me.

So, for my next tangible 'getting there' milestone this called for a change in tactic. Let's think just a tad more practically, but still keep the excitement of 'will I, won't I' wear something special.

Well, I already have a nice black skirt (in size 12) to aim for, but it isn't really all that 'special' and isn't too far off being wearable. It's lovely, and I'll be delighted to wear it, but it's actually a pretty generous sort of size 12, if you know what I mean. So what else can I aim for in a rather more demanding size 12?

Enter the 'Laura Ashley Falling Rose Hourglass Dress'.


The marketing blether describes it thus:
"This gorgeous hourglass dress is made from a luxurious silk mix fabric. Designed with a boat neck and grosgrain trimmed waistband above the pretty pleated skirt featuring a striking rose print. Fully lined. 53% silk, 47% cotton."

I think that means ' it's nicely made and very, very pretty'. And it's a light summery dress. The sort I could wear just about anywhere.

So, how close am I? Well,I can get it on. I can get the zip done up all the way (if I breathe out hard and hold my breath). What I can't do... yet... is wear it. If I tried, there'd be an awful ripping noise when I first attempted movment, closely followed by swearing and the sound of a grown woman bawling her eyes out.

The plan is to try it on again in a few weeks time, just to check progress, and to wear if for my Mum's birthday in April. Hope it doesn't snow!

Blue meanies

Oh Lordy! So much for my grandiose thoughts of shedding the remaining lbs by Christmas. I should have known that I was tempting fate.

Just a little while after I posted on Monday things started getting a wee bit out of control again. In fact, this week isn't going very well at all, so far.

I had a headache for most of the day on Monday, but didn't think too much of as I was pretty tired after the weekend, and the start of the week was nothing if not hectic! But, I ended up going home at the end of Monday with a muzzy and aching head, achy most other places, a bit of a sore throat and eyeballs feeling like they'd been lightly sandpapered. Not altogether a happy bunny.

Because I felt grotty, I missed my Chi Kung class - and then, of course, felt dreadfully guilty about not going. Pooh!

Hubby had made us some lovely onion squash soup, which was great (I may post his recipe sometime), but I still felt pretty sorry for myself, so ended up going to bed quite early with paracetamol and a hot drink. It wasn't milky hot chocolate, although if we'd had any in the house, it would have been. Still not sleeping properly - despite this lurgy/virus/whatever, or maybe because of it?

Tuesday was much the same, with me surviving another busy, hassle-filled day on willpower and paracetamol (and the odd tissue). I did have a session with the Physio in the afternoon though, and that was quite positive.

The down-side was that I'd taken a birthday cake in for a friend and, er, didn't just have the ladylike little slice that I'd planned. Oh no, it was a decent old chunk of deliciously gooey pear and Belgian chocolate cake that passed my lips. And, once I got home and had eaten the bacon and bean stew for dinner (not awful, but not overly healthy), I still felt 'orrid so lovely hubby put me to bed with a very generous glass of whisky mac!

Not a fantastic night and today dawned feeling, oooh let's guess, aching and dismal. And, mother nature has decided that this is a perfectly reasonable time to land me with her monthly revenge for my being born female, bless her! So that's why chocolate has seemed soooo terribly enticing for the last few days. Stopped at a coffee shop on the way in for paracetamol and a hot drink. Success. Avoided the sweet stuff by the skin of my teeth.

Until, that is, break time, when a scone tripped me up. I did scrape off the spread but... Today, my nice healthy fruit box (apple, pear, banana and clementines) just couldn't compete. My patience and temper have got even shorter through the morning (is that possible, the fat lass wonders?) so I hid at the bottom of the fire escape and munched my lunch in relative peace. OK, it was cold and uncomfortable, but it saved me snarling at anyone.

There is a little relief in sight for this afternoon - one of my meetings has been postponed, thank heavens! I'll try to eat a sensible, healthy dinner tonight (because of my lousy planning we are eating out tonight too) but if I lose an ounce this week I'll be amazed. Even staying where I am is looking less likely. Right, off for another cuppa and a paracetamol.

Excited yet?

You bet I am! It's now only hours to go until we go away for our break and I can hardly contain myself. And what's even better, wait for it, wait for it... I did it! I reached my target weight of 74kg. Whoopee, and the fat lass dances for joy!

That's me down to 11 stone 9 lbs - a definite 'wow' - and it has given me a great big boost. It also provided the incentive to say a firm (if a little regretful) 'no' to the delicious looking chocolate-toffee cookies the rep brought in this morning. And boy, how I wanted one! Still, my apple tasted lovely instead, and did me a lot more good.

I'm feeling a whole lot more human today - phew, and thanks to the vitamin C maybe. Enjoyed my breakfast tea and porridge and then went for a longer walk on my way in to work. It was lovely as we had a sharp frost and the mist rising from the river drifted over sparkling stalks of grass as the early sunlight caught them. Even the knee is behaving pretty well, and the swelling is down quite a bit.

I'm having my hair cut this afternoon and will feel all tidy and prettified to go away... wearing my lovely size 14 needle-cord trousers. Again, whoopee, the fat lass dances for joy! All in all, it's a very nice Wednesday.

Worn out but satisfied

We've just had the weekend of the big barbecue - something I've been dreading. But... it actually went very well.

Lots of work, catering for around 35. Up early for shopping and first bits of prep on Saturday, plus all the usual weekend jobs like the weekly washing and ironing. Then Sunday, with the harder part - remainder of the prep and running up and down stairs a lot with food, plates, odds 'n bits, then the cooking, plating, serving and all the clearing up afterward. Some 'good' food choices to be had, but also lots of opportunity to be bad.

Firstly, avoid the wine and nibbles before we started. One hurdle cleared - good-oh.

Then the main part of the barbie - for the grilled meaty bits, chicken breast strips on skewers, given extra flavour by a lightish soy-honey-mustard marinade and mini-patties of lowish-fat minced lamb given some moisture with mint, spices, garlic and onions. New potatoes (but keep well away once they are covered in melted butter!) and a mixed salad on the side.

Oh dear, then oodles of delicious-looking home-made desserts to choose from, brought by a variety of folk who obviously do not watch their waistline, so most with sugar & fat overload!

The good news? Actually managed to eat sensibly (phew), aided by a timely bowl of fruit and yoghurt just before we started cooking. Drank water through the cooking period and only had a glass of wine when I could sit down to enjoy it. Come the desserts I chose fruit salad (and no, I didn't drink the sugary juice - can't see why fruit needs sugar myself, but there you go) and had only a thin little sliver of the custard tart, leaving the pastry (yes, really!).

I was very pleased with myself, and more so today when I got on the scales to find I'm down to 76kg! That's amazing - at 12 stone exactly it means that my target of 75kg (to be 11 stone something in five weeks time) is definitely on the cards.

The world didn't end today!

The much discussed CERN Large Hadron Collider switch-on has come and gone with none of the ooh, er, armageddon-type scary myths being fulfilled. Honestly, that's just not fair! It's completely ruined my great excuse for scoffing just one last bar of chocolate - best make do with an apple at break I guess.

On a more serious note, I'm still making progress, sure it's a little at a time, but still doing OK. I re-started the morning abs exercises today, doing these as well as my other stuff. Two out of three went well, actually better than I'd expected given the rather long break from them, the other one not so well as my knee wouldn't co-operate at all. I'll have to devise some sort of work around.

Oh, and that comfort food I mentioned - well, we had the mutton stew last night and I've got to report that I'm celebrating a great success, for me and for lovely hubby. It was delicious - not a huge surprise as hubby is a fabulous cook. The good bit is that we didn't serve it all and eat it - no, we are making it last for another meal tonight. A new attitude maybe? Smaller portions becoming a reality?

All in all I really do think my target is sensible and I am definitely committed to achieving it. It feels good to be back on track.

Some fragile tendrils of hope?

Let's begin September on a positive note.

Exercise...
The rowing is slowly getting easier and I'm gradually increasing my time. The other morning/daily exercises are not great but I'll keep at it and we'll see what happens. One in particular I am finding very hard - both to perform and to make myself do. Hubby could tell you exactly which it is! Walking is becoming more of a pleasure again and, while autumn hasn't quite arrived, I just need to get out each lunchtime to do bit more. Chi Kung will start again soon - that'll be another box ticked. This just leaves the gym to get back on track!

Food...
My eating patterns have been quite good, well better, over the last week or so and I will keep plugging away at making more rational choices. I'm still not really enjoying my healthy food as much as I was but at least my darling hubby's soups are helping. The stumbling block is lunch choices - they are still not really hitting the spot so I'm left unsatisfied (translate as 'hungry') and casting around for 'something nice'. Marmite helps but is rather high in salt... which leads to me drinking more water! Ho hum.

Health problems...
Hmmm, not fantastically good, but it could be a lot worse. I'm doing what I can to minimise the effects (keep telling myself its step-by-step, and in it for the long-haul), to make a little progress and very much trying not to let it get me down. This is definitely closely tied into the motivation side of things.

Motivation...
My attitude seems to have improved a bit and that slump of depression and negativity has loosened its grip a little. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and focused. It isn't easy but I am slowly getting back to a better outlook.

Weight...
Down a little - I was 78kg this morning and that is definitely the right direction to be heading. Celebrating the little things - yippee, progress!

Target...
To give myself something to focus on... by the week beginning 20th October (seven weeks away, just in time for an anniversary celebration) I plan to be unequivocally below 12 stone. That's an aim of 75 kg or, in English, somewhere in the region of 11 stone 11 lbs. I think, with a little help from the abs cruncher, that my waist measurement should also have dropped by about one inch by then.