09 June 2019

So, what's happening?

Firstly, I want to thank those of you who have left me comments - you've been so kind and I really do appreciate it.

So then, let's get to it. On the weight front things aren't exactly fantastic. Fact is, I seem to have gained an extra kilo (up to 63kg again) in a shade under a couple of weeks which, as you can probably imagine, doesn't please me much. This is despite following the keto-style diet which has worked for me in the past.

OK, let's look at why the direction of travel isn't the required one.

To be brutally honest I'd best mention that I did have a serious slip-up on Tuesday last, when a barrow-load of stress got the better of me. I ate more nuts than I should have and wolfed an individual bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate that day. Sadly, this was a decidedly pointless variety of stress-relief as I didn't really enjoy it that much at the time, and felt like crap afterwards. The stress didn't go away either!

Other than that I thought I'd been pretty virtuous for the whole week. Or have I? Hmmm, if I think a little more closely about what I've eaten, I realise that I've snacked on chopped brazil nuts or almonds on a couple of days, and nibbled on pork scratchings too. That's in addition to the salad boxes I've made for lunch and whatever our evening meal has been.

Overload? Probably, so I guess I need to rethink snacks. My options are either a) don't have any at all, or b) radically change what I consume. Things have to change, so thinking cap on.

On the 'looking after me' front, things have gone a little better. 

I've had a follow-up appointment with my counsellor which, although pretty harrowing, emotional and exhausting, brought to the foreground and gave voice to some of the bottled-up pain I've been carrying with me for a long time and suppressing like fury. Interesting. Not at the time perhaps, but certainly ruminating over it in the aftermath. 

I have been given a little project to do as a result, and that is to think this through quietly and in some detail over the next couple of weeks, seeking out the exact words to explain my feelings. Easy enough, one may think. Not so. None of the words I've tried out so far truly express feelings I've spent so long subjugating. A long way to go on this one...

I have also had an NHS assessment to determine the shape my current difficulties are taking, and to look at the type(s) of long-term support that might be suitable to assist me to help myself. Sounds good, huh?

Well, yes to some extent, but it was actually quite a shocker too. I'd duly completed my questionnaire and was ready and (...sort of) willing to discuss the answers to the questions in greater detail on the day. However, a couple of things brought me up short. 

Once I'd said I was fine in this respect, I wasn't expecting to return to the part of conversation about the possibility of harming myself. But we did, touching on this rather sensitive spot several times in fact. Now let's get this straight. I most definitely don't feel I'm in any danger of acting upon my most negative thoughts, but I guess the fact that they exist raised a flag of some kind.

The other thing to take the wind from my sails was being advised that the depression I'm experiencing was classed as 'severe'. Along the numerical scale used in the assessment I am apparently pretty close to the worst end. Oh bugger! That anxiety is not quite such a big deal, but it's also a bit more embedded than I thought. 

I guess it really is time to address this situation and move towards some form of resolution. My little book of daily positives is a step in the right direction.

However, I'm very aware that I have a long road ahead of me and rather a lot of work to do in this respect. That's both a scary proposition and hopeful, in roughly equal measures from where I'm standing at the moment.

So here goes.

As I always say, and mean every single time I say it. Onwards, ever...


MaryFran said...

I am so proud of you for working on your mental health also and not just your physical health! They are both difficult and time consuming...but soooo worth it in the end!!!!

Enz said...

Onwards is a good place to go :) One day at a time, that's all we're promised, so we might as well focus on it best we can. You are strong and you are a fighter and you WILL find a way to navigate that works for you.


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