14 May 2017

Been a long time...

...but I am still here, and still reading what you lovely people write, although things have been relatively hectic of late so I haven't commented too much. 

Hmmm, busy. Now some of that is probably down to working full-time again. Funny how it consumes such a lot of my time, eh? That said, a few months in, I'm still enjoying the 'new' job, although people seem to have been leaving in their droves since I started. Something I said perhaps? Nah, don't be daft. 

It's good, in part, because I'm still learning - every single day. It's keeping my mind active. I'm constantly problem-solving, and I've been a bit surprised that I enjoy the interaction with people from around the world, and the feeling of being at least 'some' help to a fair number of them. 

Having been a lady of (enforced) leisure for some months beforehand, it's been a bit of an adjustment. I am finding that I get fairly tired in the evenings, especially by the end of a week, so feel less inclined to write. Hey, do you think the fat lass could be getting older? You betcha!

Life has dropped a few worries my way too, but that's life for you. Nothing too horrendous, but you know what it's like at 2 a.m. when the bad thoughts won't stop and let you get a good night's sleep.

Another time-hungry thing, I'm still heading to the gym three times a week (for a fantastic 2 hour session at the weekend at my favourite bodybuilding/boxing gym, interspersed with two shorter sessions in the carpeted luxury of that workplace gym before work).

I am seeing gradual changes too as I am definitely stronger than when we first started. Now and again though (er, like yesterday) I do get a bit disheartened and feel like I'm not making sufficient progress - whatever the hell that actually means. 

On these days, which usually coincide with seeing beautifully proportioned, slim, strong young women doing, apparently quite effortlessly, something I struggle with, I feel ancient and useless. That's when I become super conscious of my saggy regions of excess skin, the remaining fatty deposits (around the belly and thighs in particular), and those 'oh so attractive' flabby bits. There may now be some muscle underneath, but it's masked by stuff it would take a surgeon's skills to uncover, dammit!

But, for when this does happen, I have a cunning plan. Yep, the fat lass still puts her 'cunning plans' to good use.

What I do is this. I stop, and mentally kick my posterior (only mentally as yet - I need yoga classes to get flexible enough to do it for real), then remind myself of a few home truths.

Things like the fact that I am loved, just the way I am. Such a tiny thing to say, but so very important. I'm loved by my darling lovely hubby, by the best sister a woman could have, by other family and by friends. I am so lucky.

Things too, like 'who' and 'what' I am these days, and whatever I may 'look' like, is the result of over 57 years of living, some of which (actually way too many) were lived being morbidly obese, inactive and in a fair degree of pain. You know that old saying about reaping what one sows? Well, I guess that's me. But, that was then... 

...and this is now. And I am 100% sure that 'now' is a very much better place. Yes, I remember the way things were and, although I regret a lot of it, it generates a deep sense of gratitude. 

I may not have a model's body (never did and never will), but I have a body which works pretty well in the circumstances. It hasn't failed me and it keeps trying to make things better for me. It's lighter than 'before' (at around the 55kg mark still). It's stronger than before. It's healthier than before (I think - no, I'm certain of it). It gives me less pain and, when clothed, I am content that it looks quite reasonable.

You know what? I'm going to keep on treating that body kindly. I will continue with the weights work to keep the prospect of muscle-loss and osteoporosis at bay (and I may even look up a yoga class to get a bit more flexible). I will give it good, wholesome food to eat, and clean fresh water to drink (with the odd scotch, I'll admit). I will remember to appreciate it.

Hey, does that remind anyone of anything? Yes, I am becoming more and more like my darling my Mother, and counting my blessings. Now if that isn't a good thing I don't know what is!

Onwards, and holding that gratitude like a beacon, ever upwards...

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