16 June 2019

Still here, still trying

To be honest, that's all I can really say right now.

Unfortunately, I've had a particularly tough time over the last week or so.

Why is this?

Well, work has certainly been one aspect. Circumstances have meant that it's not been my finest nor easiest week. Maybe that phase is over, maybe there's another avalanche waiting to engulf me. Who knows. I certainly don't. But I'll keep showing up, and I'll keep doing as much as I can. Stubborn? You betcha!

Secondly, I received a copy of my assessment, as was sent to my doctor, there it is in black and white. Oh sh*t. It wasn't all a bad dream after all, it really does say what I thought it did, and it's there. In writing... Set in stone... Shared... Visible... On the record... No taking it back.

The other more affecting part is that I've been working on that project my counsellor set, to try to put down in precise words a description of those long-buried feelings and my pain. This has meant opening the box and taking a long hard look at said feelings. Exhumed and unburied, they are not a nice sight and I'd can only say that, like a rotting corpse, they stink.

She did warn me this would not be a quick, nor an easy task. By damn, she was correct!

Doing so, rather unsurprisingly perhaps, has truly unleashed the beast which stalks me in the night-time (hmmm, in the day-time too). I have to say he's a pretty effective beast and has done a damn good job of mauling me, biting chunks from my psyche and gnawing away at my innermost insecurities. Result = bad dreams, early hours worries, and tears 'R us.

This in turn has led to a week where I've been pretty fragile. So I've ended up 'coping' with the added angst the old-fashioned way. Not exactly bingeing, but certainly having several days where my eating has been anything but stellar.

Keto? Nah, you must be 'aving a laraarrf! Days where I made decidedly poor choices though (how's that for a weasel-words way of putting it).

Want to hazard a guess as to the effect of this? Yep, you've got it in one. That's one kilo upwards to be exact - 63.5kg and unimpressed.

But whoa, stop, halt! OK, let's not get too disheartened here (come on, listen to yourself girl) and let's not pile misplaced guilt onto whatever negativity's already in place.

Yes, it's a gain. No, I'm not pleased. But, you need to take on board that there will be no true healing until this hurt is exposed, recognised, picked apart and dealt with. I guess it's like lancing a boil - it's going to hurt like a bitch but it really is necessary.

If it comes with some collateral damage, so be it. Just ride it out for now and deal with it when you can. Still, I'll try a little harder this week.

I'll work on sticking to health-giving food choices. I'll drink my water (try to cut down on the caffeine a bit). I'll do my very best to remember why this is necessary. And I will be kind to myself. I'd naturally be kind to someone else in this position, so I need to be there for me too.

OK, big girl knickers are pulled up and in place, so it's onwards ever...


Enz said...

Good to hear from you and good to see you are working through this. Hugs.

MaryFran said...

Glad your still moving forward and having given up! One day at a time in terms of health and fitness!

Sorry work has been so stressful and busy! Hopefully it will settle down for you!!

Deniz said...

Thank you both for your comments. I do appreciate them.
I don't plan on giving up... ever. Too stubborn for that. It is a day at a time but hey, isn't every journey similar?

Deniz said...

Update: it's been a decidedly Trying Tuesday today. So much so that I got really close to a bar of chocolate. Picked it up and had the damn thing in one hand, purse in the other, ready to roll. Somehow I actually made myself put it down, walked away from it and stayed with my keto lunchbox. As victories go it isn't massive, but I'll take it.

Chrissie said...

Hi Deniz, sorry I didn't comment sooner - just because I struggle to know what to say when I'm feeling down. I hope July is treating you better than June xxx

Enz said...

Good job with the chocolate. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's not easy, absolutely not, but doing nothing will not make anything easier.
Hugs to you.

Enz said...

Merry Almost Christmas. Hope you are well!

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Chrissie said...

Hi Deniz, are you there? Are you doing OK?

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