Getting a grip!

Right fat lass. It's all very well recognising that you are struggling, but it simply isn't enough. Monday morning dawns again and it's time to realise that all the moaning and mithering in the world never did you any good, so you just need to get on with it and DO what you know is the right thing for your health, and that's mental as well as physical wellbeing. 

Yep, life is uncertain (sure, it's a bowl of cherries - just don't forget that cherries come complete with hard stones to break the odd tooth), and it's unsettled and a tad scary right now, but worrying will not help worth a damn.

All it does is allow that sneaky flea-ridden black dog the opportunity to settle down on the sofa and make himself at home... and he is not a welcome house guest!

So, what are you going to do about it, eh? Make a plan, and start putting the plan into action today. So, to the plan:

1) Drink more water (yes, I know it's harder when the weather is still not warm but just do it!)
2) Get out there and w-a-l-k... every single day! Then once the breathing is a bit easier (and it WILL improve), get back on the rower.
3) Choose what you eat with good sense, stick to your choices and be mindful when you eat. Make time, and savour those textures and flavours.
4) Take note of the good stuff - yes, those blessings. Make time to SEE them, and properly recognise them for the positive things they are.

You're not in a bad place, it's a great place to be. The weight, although back up to where I was before the bug bit, is apparently stable at 54kg. So, let's make sure it doesn't increase. Do the right thing now and you won't have to undo any damage once it's happened.

Oh, did you say cherries?

For Becky at Skinny Dreaming, for me, and for many others too.

Maintaining... what's in a word?

Warning - a rather long fat lass blether lies ahead, as this one's been mulled over a lot and been a work in progress for some considerable time. You may need to make yourself a coffee (or a stiff drink) before you carry on.

To 'maintain' something is often defined as:
to keep in an existing state
or
to preserve from failure or decline

Ooooh, that's actually quite a scary word when you think about it. Why's that? I'd say it's a pretty daunting prospect in many ways, because it implies 'forever'.

Well, in my case, although right from the outset, I stated that my weight loss journey was just that, a journey, and that it was not, nor ever could be, about a 'diet' as such, but a lifestyle change, I guess I kind of slid around taking on board the change part being 'for life'. Er, in my own mind anyhow.

Yeah, you've got it. That small (but vitally important) nugget that I sidelined and put to the back of my mind was the part about 'maintaining'. You see, at the time, the 'losing' was the most important aspect. And that's not really too surprising, looking back. I suppose that was the case because ever getting to 'maintenance' seemed so far off in the future, and implied that I'd be successful in the first place...

You see, despite my desire to lose my much-hated fat suit, when I set out I was hopeful but not hugely confident. Let's just say that my track record with weight loss hadn't been particularly stellar through life!. No, let's tell it like it was - it was crap. So, in the early days of shedding the pounds I didn't, perhaps couldn't, truly grasp the idea of maintenance. Let me try to explain.

Looking back to when I started, and then while I was in the midst of losing my weight, I had a carefully considered plan in mind. There was a 'sort of' target to head towards which, essentially, was to get shot of that damned blubber (the plan for which was examined, then tweaked and revised more times than I can really remember). Along the way I put in the hard work to achieve my goals, and regularly reviewed how I was doing and looked at where I should head for next.

I set, aimed for and hit a few milestones (some small and other more significant ones) along the way, and got regular feedback about how well (or otherwise!) I was doing, to track my progress, in part by by measuring myself and using the scale.

Nice positive feedback, and all good stuff it was too as the plan worked. I dropped from being a very obese and decidedly unhappy fat lass to the woman people see today. Yes, it took some time to accomplish (I started the process way back in 2007), but then so did getting fat in the first place, so I was OK with taking my time.

Move to the present. These days the world at large accepts the fat lass they see now as the fat lass that's always been. What I mean by this is that, even though it isn't the case, many people I come into contact with have in general forgotten (or maybe never even knew) that I used to be obese, or indeed any different to the way I appear now.

One consequence is that this means that those occasional rather flattering if mildly embarrassing congratulatory comments on how different I look (oooh, more positive feedback) have long since come and gone... sigh.

Having lost all the weight I wish to (well, near enough), my game plan now is quite different. It's changed, of course, because rather than striving to 'lose' weight, the new goal is to remain roughly where I am.

By the way, this is currently hovering around 52.5kg, with a 'must do something' red line set at 55kg (where it has crept up to for a short time in the past). I'm happy to allow myself a safe weight range or 'band' to sit within, which I've set at somewhere between 53 and 54kg. The long-term plan, then, is to keep myself in this "existing state". Or, said another way, to "preserve" myself from "failure" and that nasty old "decline" back to obesity.

Sounds simple, huh? Well, I'll be the first to admit that this low-carb business surely does help me, but it's still not entirely plain sailing.You see, it's that 'long-term', or should I say the 'permanent', nature of this lifestyle change which has the potential to raise the odd obstacle for me. That's what I need to get my head around.

Why? Well, remember that bit about getting regular (and positive) feedback in the past? I still do measure myself now and again, and I still weigh (almost daily, although I record only once a week). So I guess there is still an element of that feedback.. up to a point. Trouble is, when you see the same, or fairly similar, numbers on the scale week in, week out, it's still good (of course!) but things can, and do, tend to be a wee bit less exciting.

You see, in 'maintenance' mode we don't get to see that magical 'progress' of weight loss. We are no longer watching the needle on the scale drift decidedly downwards, demonstrating that our dedication and hard slog isn't in vain. Nope, that needle merely stays in roughly the same position. Nor can we track the contents of our wardrobe gradually changing to a smaller and smaller size, and congratulate ourselves on our 'good work' in that respect. As I mentioned, we certainly find that we no longer hear those lovely 'wow, don't you look different/younger/great' comments.

None of this is a huge problem as such, but I'm finding that it does contribute to making things (e.g. goal setting and tracking progress) a little more tricky.

Slightly more of an issue is that ANY form of actual, honest to goodness 'positive' feedback, not only the type mentioned above, is rather thinner on the ground these days. Indeed 'negative' feedback is a much more commonplace thing to encounter.

Feeling one's usual clothes become a tad tighter round the waist or, as has happened now and again, noticing that little increase in weight from the scales needle if food intake increases or the levels of activity decline (for whatever reason) isn't truly my cup of tea. It may be an 'oh b***s! moment and a wake-up call to engender doing 'something' to counteract the problem, but it's not exactly cheering, and for me it's not hugely motivational!

It may sound somewhat dull and unispiring, but 'progress' now seems rather more closely aligned to standing still. Hmmm, running to stay in place, eh? Oooh, there's fun!

This whole idea has the fat lass a little bit scared. I don't want to over-dramatise things, but to me it screams out 'dangerous waters' because I feel that it could be all too easy to become bored or complacent. If that happened it's entirely possible that I might take my eye off the maintenance ball. I could lose motivation, and find that, little by little, I drift gradually away from the straight and narrow.

This fear hasn't materialised yet, thank heavens, but I have to admit that now and again (especially when I get particularly stressed or tired... and there seems to have been a fair dose of both in the last year) I've begun to feel the first twinges of the 'yah boo sucks, don't want to' mentality surfacing when it comes to good food compliance and exercise.

So, I feel that I must think ahead and do something here - before indolence and complacency takes a firm hold over the rest of the winter and beyond. What I definitely do not want is for this lazy(?) and lacklustre lass to turn back into the fat lass again.

To keep myself moving along that straight and narrow pathway, I think I need to find myself some form of 'positive' feedback. I want to identify a different, but measurable marker (or maybe markers) of success for myself, however small it may be. Then I need to start tracking and recording that marker to keep my motivation motor running.

And then... well, all I have to do is keep on keeping on... for life.

It's probably an appropriate time to haul that dusty old thinking cap out of mothballs once again. Perhaps I'll have a chat with Baldrick, and see if we can come up with one of his cunning (and long-term) plans. Any suggestions you might have would, of course, be very gratefully welcomed. Onwards ever...

In denial?

I was talking to a colleague a day or so ago and she said something which, at the time, I disagreed with (although I kept quiet), but which I've since mulled over and decided she has a point.

This is a lady who, in the seven or so years I've known her, has always been beautifully slim, glamorous and very attractive. I actually used to envy her a little when I first knew her and thought I could never be like her... but that's another story.

Anyhow, she's had a fair few 'female' health problems in the last year, and told me she was unhappy that she'd gained around nine pounds (where she's put this weight I couldn't tell you - she still looks gorgeous to me). She went on to say that she knew she'd have to 'deny' herself in the New Year to lose this unwanted weight.

My first thought was that, woah!, this was a tad harsh. To me, it smacked of the exclusionary, prohibitive and restrictive 'dieting' mantra of you CAN'T eat X, Y or Z. In my mind, that path sets you up to lead to disaster. The word 'deny' has such negative connotations it couldn't be right, I thought. So in my head, I didn't agree... but later I pondered and now realise she was actually right.

We each of us have choices to make - all day, every day. Do I eat that biscuit? Do I head off for that walk, even in the rain? Do I pick low-carb foods? Do I hit the gym tonight? To some of these choices we'll answer 'yes', to others we'll say 'no'. When we pick what we feel is the 'healthy' choice, we also 'deny' the less than optimal option, and vice versa. It remains our choice, whichever way we play it.

So denial isn't a word to be scared of, necessarily. It's merely, for all it sounds quite strong and negative, a part of choice. So, when it comes to maintaining my health, and my weight, I'm quite happy to choose the positive options and  'deny' myself the things which would have a detrimental effect on me.

Hmmm, I guess you could then say I'm 'in denial'.

Hang tough

This post started off in a completely different way, as I actually started it last Friday in a real temper. It was all about the fat lass 'Slip slidin', and began:

Right, this'll have to do in lieu of what I'd actually like to type, but that's way too rude and the censors would have a field day if I really let rip. So here goes - oh bottoms. Big, fat, wobbly, saddle-bag bottoms. And ageing, stretchy, gravity-dragged boobies. And pendulous, paunchy, poochy bellies to boot!

This isn't going to be a positive post. Heck, you could tell that, couldn't you.

I'm NOT a happy bunny at all, and the only person I have to blame for this is me. I don't quite think that the term 'struggle' encompasses what's been happening over the last couple of days - it's been more akin to 'galloping disaster zone' and I'm really peeved, angry and disgusted with myself.

Having made a little progress at the start of the week, and foolishly reported slight 'improvements', I proceeded to prove myself dead wrong. I chucked it all away and headed back to where I started (and wasn't happy about). I've had a few horrendous days and behaved like an utter brat.

So, taking a look at this whole sorry episode again, with the benefit of a good weekend and hindsight's.twenty-twenty vision...

In an attempt to keep my sorry ass out of trouble, I have started chanting a daily mantra to myself at the moment. I suppose it's a little bit like the Nike one... mine simply says 'you've just got to get on and do it'.

What I mean by this is that I am trying to persuade (OK, more like bully) my inner brat that I MUST stick to what I know works to keep my health and weight under good control... even when my mind is screaming 'c'mon, gimme a break, dammit!' and wants nothing more than to hibernate under the duvet or dive into a sea of carby 'treats' like a homemade fruit scone from the local tea shop.

I'll admit, this is easier to accomplish some days than others. I know that a lot of things seem hard for me at the moment and I'm aware it would be a simple out for me to 'take it easy' on myself. But I also know that this would be a mistake in the long run.

To that end, I did a session of my floor exercises this morning before I showered (not that I actually 'wanted' to at just after 5 a.m.). I packed up a sensible mid-morning snack of leftover cod loin (from last night's dinner), and a healthy, if pretty firey, lunch of red cabbage, celery and hard Turkish cheese salad, with a rather over-generous (and accidental!) dollop of pul biber. I'll walk at lunchtime and walk some more on my way home.

My darling lovely hubby doesn't know how much his love and support helped me at the tail-end of last week and the weekend. But it did and he's a shining example to me. I'm so lucky, and so grateful..

So this week will NOT mirror the last one. Even if I do end up slipping, or tripping or falling, I won't let it derail me or get me down. I will hang tough, and I will NOT let this lurking black dog get the better of me.

Onwards ever....

Weather blues

Lord, but I'm fed up with the British weather. I'm fed up with being cold (it's the middle of May, for heaven's sake - I should be getting gently toasted!) and I'm fed up getting wet.

I know it shouldn't, but it affects my mood and motivation and makes maintenance massively more challenging. With the seemingly never-ending grey skies and wet stuff, I find that I DO want to munch and I DON'T want to get out and walk. A dilemma, because I know what I 'should' do.

So, I've been casting about for little games to make my recalcitrant self behave. Singing to myself sometimes does the trick to lift my mood, so the fat lass has got inventive.

With huge apologies to Carole King... I've made up some 'alternative' words to one of her songs. I'm just trying to motivate myself to get my backside out and walk, even though today is yet another grey, wet, November-ish sort of day, and this makes me giggle. If I walk while I'm giggling... that'll do for me.

So, limber up those vocal cords, and sing along with me:

The weather here has not been nice as it can be, 
but I guess that it doesn't matter much to me
For all the fun I'd have if summer'd come to stay, 
I think it's going to rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I have to do, 
I can't stay at home the whole day long cos work is due
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day, 
and I think it's going to rain until September

I'd really love to have a picnic on the beach, 
like everyone, I love the summertime,
but you know sunshine while your rays are out of reach, 
this summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter that the skies are grey not blue, 
if it rains on my head 'cause walking's what I'll do
I'm only hoping for the sun to shine all day, 
but I think it's going to rain until September
 
September, September, 
oh I think it's going to rain until September

It starts with a single step...

Reminder to self. Apart from the obvious - food, that is - one of the ways I help to maintain my weight loss, and not allow the dreaded fat to plop straight back onto me when my back is turned, is to keep active. Well, pretty active anyhow. And it is worth maintaining because losing around seven and a half stone in weight was a fairly long-term project (after all, you didn't gain it all in a day, did you!) and it took a lot of commitment and hard work.

That said, you've been slacking a bit over recent months (er no, let's tell it like it is, eh, fat lass? You've been a seriously lazy mare!) and that less than 'tight' body tone tells the tale clearly enough. That 'might' be just about OK/acceptable/able to be hidden whilst we are all still bundled up in our multiple layers of winter woollies (and we STILL are here in the UK, dammit) but it just won't do for when you can finally get the summer attire out of mothballs. Go out and about in a closely-fitting, short-sleeved tee-shirt? Aaaaaargh!

Time to get on with it, and put your money where your mouth is, if you want a better body shape for summer.

So, just like I've been promising myself... or perhaps that was 'threatening' myself...  Easter saw the return of my rowing (with the help of my old friend Connie the Concept rower) and the abs work first thing each morning. Oh dear. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I'd forgotten that you KNOW that you've done something when various parts of the anatomy start to complain in tandem! Still, no pain...

What I haven't slacked upon, throughout my lazy patch, though, is the walking. In fact, to encourage myself (a.k.a. to plant a foot firmly in my own backside!) to do this, if nothing else, I've been wearing my step counter and aiming for about 12,000 steps a day. Most days I've hit my target, or very nearly so. Hey, that's not too shabby, even if it hasn't really been enough, or the quite right thing for all-over tone. Still, the rowing and abs should help address that.

Yesterday was a particularly good day and I blew my target away. It was a busy one, and I thought I'd done a bit more than usual. Even so, I was pretty surprised when I checked the final figure on the step counter as I undressed for bed. I'd walked 17,253 steps in total yesterday! That comes out to about eight and a half miles. Wow!

So, the moral of this ramble, my dear fat lass, is to remember that every step counts and every step is worth taking. Just because the rowing and abs stuff seems tough at the moment, keep on at it. It will help you, and it WILL get easier as those poor old ignored muscles get a wee bit stronger once again, and more accustomed to being given a job to do. Give it a week or two... or maybe three or four... and you will begin to see results.

And it starts with that single step... or stroke... or sit-up... Onwards ever.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain...

Actually it's more sun, snow, frost, hail, fog, flood (and other adventures) which seem to be the order of the day... well, OK, month if you must be picky! Please can we stop messing about and just get to Spring?

Oh well, I know that March is generally a month of mixed weather, even in a 'good' year (remember that old 'lions' and 'lambs' weather lore?), and it has certainly been pretty changeable around here recently.

I don't know about you, but I find that the prevailing weather conditions are fairly closely linked to my state of mind lately. And, this seems more the case these days than it's ever been - another sign that the fat lass is getting long in the tooth? I find that on the (all too rare of late!) sunny days my spirits rise and I feel more engaged with the day and more willing to make positive steps to maintain and improve my health.

Conversely, on days like yesterday, when it rained and rained and rained some more and never appeared to actually get properly light, I was miserable as all heck. It would have been quite easy to disentangle myself from reality, hibernate somewhere warm and cozy and head for the comfort foods. Thankfully, I had 'things to do' so got on with it, and since moving to low-carb life we don't really keep many of those old standby 'comfort' foodstuff around so that wasn't really an option either. Saved by pure serendipity.

Thanks to the rain, and the constantly waterlogged state of the land, this morning we woke to the return of the dreaded flooding, added to which there was frost (oooh, it felt decidedly nippy out) and quite thick fog, so I was a serious grump first thing. Now, just a few hours later, the sun has been shining so I felt more settled again. In fact, I actually looked forward to getting out at lunchtime today.

Now the clouds are rolling in again and, my mood is shifting to a darker shade once more. The forecast keeps changing, so I don't feel that I can predict how the next few days will go. It makes me kind of unsettled - almost a feeling of not being quite in control, in a funny sense, and I don't feel comfortable being this way. I feel like a weather vane - just reacting to the elements.

I need to find a way to change this and make myself more consistent, regardless of what's going on outside my window. I think it's time to consider setting myself a tangible goal. I don't want to lose any more weight though, so I'm just not sure yet what shape that should take. Time to get my thinking cap dusted off.

Onwards ever...

A deserving case?

Hmmm, nope, I don't think so!

Someone very recently asked me if, now I've lost so much weight, I find it 'easy' to stay slim. I said "oh hell, no", but without really thinking too much about it at the time. However, now I've pondered some more on that question I've realised that I've been guilty of taking my eye off the 'constant vigilance' ball.

Just lately, although I've been keeping a pretty good check on my weight and have been staying nice and stable eating low carb food, I've found myself thinking some rather bad thoughts. That cannot continue.

These 'bad' thoughts are sneaky little things like "hey, my weight's fine, I've been up and down on my feet all day and walked a long way, so I can have just a little 'x' or 'y' or maybe even a 'z' as a treat". Oh dear, that's closely related to "hey, I deserve..." a whatever it is for "being so good". Sure, my recent treat choices may have been made with low-carb in mind (e.g. a piece of cheese or a handfulof almonds), but at the end of the day they are still 'unnecessary' treats.

Oh deary me indeed - this isn't a postive mindset for a fat lass! If I carried on in this way, that's the sort of attitude that'd get me right back to the bad old days of using foodie treats as a reward for all manner of things. And, worse yet, when I actually stop to think about this a bit harder, and take it a little further than the immediate pleasure side of things (er, always a good thing for me to take time to do), I know exactly where this path would lead me...

It'd head me on a straight, clear track right back up the numbers on my scales... and that's somewhere I DO NOT want to go!

So, this is where I say "whoa, stop, halt" to those invasive thoughts! Heck, I didn't work so hard over the past few years, to get where I am now, only to throw it all away on a 'treat' or two... or three. Being 'active' or 'good' or similar (in no matter what way I feel I may have been) just isn't a deserving candidate for food rewards. C'mon fat lass - you KNOW that. Get with the plan again.

It's too early for a New Year's resolution, so I'll make myself a nice 'new week' resolution instead. Here goes...

I WILL remain vigilant, and will keep sensible strategies for maintaining a long-term healthy lifestyle firmly in mind.

Onwards ever...

Remembering...

OK, I have just about managed to haul my way of thinking back to a more positive vein. Next job is to kick-start that 'enthusiasm' engine.

But, before I get going with blathering on about weight related things, with Remembrance Sunday fast approaching and in light of my 'miseries' post of a few days ago, I just wanted to take a moment to consider how fortunate I am.

In particular , to give thanks that my own life has been unaffected by the horrors of conflict experienced by so many people in the past, and still suffered by so many people in other parts of the world even today.

Life is such a fragile thing and can be so deeply affected by events outside our own making. The phrase 'Lest We Forget' is one often voiced around this time, and it does make me stop and think.

In a similar (albeit somewhat less important, in the great scheme of things) way, I sometimes need to stop and think about the changes my life has undergone over the last few years, and to give thanks for the positive things which stem from that. Actually, I can't think of a better time than this.

Again, I feel very fortunate. This time, it's gratitude that the likely 'future' which faced me whilst obese (having been so for years) and desperately unhappy, has been averted. Because I made that one choice, set my mind on that firm committment to set out to turn myself around and improve my health (and my life) by losing my excess burden of weight, in some ways that prospect now seems almost a distant memory. But it's a memory best not forgotten.

Had I not bitten the bullet, accepted responsibility and 'done something' to change, I shudder to think where I'd be now. My weight would almost certainly have continued to rise, year by year. My fitness (minimal though it was back then) and mobility would have deteriorated even more. I'd likely be on medication for a wide variety of health problems by now and, because I pretty much hated being 'me', the spectre of descending into serious depression was very, very real. Not to put too much emphasis on this point, but there was also a chance that, with the strain I was inflicting on my poor abused body every single day, it could have failed me altogether and I might not even be here.

Contrast this with where I actually am today. Today's picture is much rosier by far.

Since my story began, I've lost just under half my old body weight and around eight dress sizes. Better yet, along with this, I have lost fear. Fear of getting even fatter, and of my health further deteriorating. Fear that my lovely hubby could maybe decide a slinkier model would be a better bet. Fear of being out of control of myself. Fear of dying young, but also of living for decades longer but remaining desperately unhappy with my lot. And yes, fear of failure (yet again) if I tried to do something about it, so a very real fear of being trapped in my own body.

I've lost other things too. I have lost much of my old self-consciousness, replacing this with a previously undreamed of confidence. I've lost my cringeing embarassment around new people (although, by God!, I hid it well), and a similar shame around those people I'd known before I grew my fat suit and who now viewed my bulk with pity (and often frustration).

I've lost the need to hide in baggy, drab and unflattering clothes, and the resentment that 'pretty' was out of the question, and the 'big girl' shops were my only option if I did ever want something new. I've lost the sheer horror of seeing a mirror or, worse, a camera pointed my way now that photos don't hold the terrors they used to. I've lost the need to make sad-sack excuses about why I 'didn't want' to do something, when often it was more that I wasn't sure I was able.

I've lost a lot of things I considered 'normal' back then, but now see to have been symptoms of my body's distress. Things like feeling 'old' before my time, like my almost unceasing aches and pains, the near-constant 'bugs' I used to pick up. the skin rashes, the chafing, the horrible spots and zits, the breathlessness. I've lost the need to carry an inhaler with me on every occasion (although habit means I often still do). I've lost the desire to bury my emotions under a sea of food... only to find that they surfaced again all too quickly.

And I've gained such a lot too. I've gained fitness and health and freedom and a new delight in life. I've gained the desire to be active, to get out and about in the fresh air - whatever the weather. I've gained the ability to bend over to tie a shoelace (believe me, I couldn't without a good strong support!). Now I can even pop on a pair of heels if I want to. Hell, I've gained a swimsuit... and I'm not afraid to use it!

And, most of all I've regained 'me', and I've gained my long dreamed of 'more love' for every 'square inch' of me that remains. That is a gift beyond rubies.

So, a time for remembering and a time for giving thanks. Sometimes, maybe especially when things seem to be going awry, it's worth all of us sitting quietly for a moment amongst life's daily madness, and making time to do just that.

Onwards ever...

Holiday victory!

Well, the annual challenge has come and gone and I'm really proud to report that, when it comes to weight, we've both passed this particular year's test with flying colours.

I'm talking about holidays here (vacations for US readers), and the toll they can take on losing or maintaing a sensible weight.

This year we thought it might get a wee bit more difficult as we're still pretty new to the idea of low carb and were not sure if we could translate this into things like eating out - specifically for the birthday meals.

I thought we'd be likely to be tempted by the idea of cake or desserts or higher-carb treats and half-expected us to fall off the wagon, or at least wobble wildly. I'd even made a few mental contingency plans for what we'd do if (when?) this happened - mostly to be honest and admit it, then get right back to being EXTREMELY careful as hell with everything we ate.

But... amazingly, we didn't need to 'make amends' in any way and we rode that wagon quite comfortably for the whole time we were away. I'm so, so proud of us both and so, so grateful that some aspect of the low-carb, high-fat, moderate-protein way of eating seems to help us both with keeping good control.

Without the little (carb-driven cravings?) internal voice saying 'but I want the cake' it's generally pretty easy to see something appealing, think 'hmm, that looks delicious' but still just walk on without any real regrets.

I feel that we ate really well, er... luxuriously even, in the time we were away. I don't feel in the slightest 'deprived' and we certainly seemed to eat more/better than usual. In fact, I often found that I felt quite full, and even skipped a few meals for small snacks instead as the thought of a full plate just didn't appeal.

I did have one day of feeling 'oh, poor me', when thoughts of 'but I can't have a...' got a bit intrusive (that was the day before we had to leave and my black dog got tetchy that our holiday was nearly over), but it still didn't translate into eating high-carb foods.

Does this class as a NSV? Well, sort of. It's a whole heap of victories in my mind, and even the scales said nice things on our return (neither of us had gained at all) so I guess it's SV + NSV.

Connie, lovely hubby and me

It's turned to autumn with a vengeance and been raining and windy here in the UK, so let's ditch the blues and think about some positives.

Well, I can honestly say that whatever else life is chucking my way at the moment, and there's some fretful stuff going on that's giving me a lot of sleepless nights, there are a few nice constants.

The foremost of these is, of course, my darling lovely hubby who is such a support in the worries going on in life at the moment (hmmm, maybe I'll write more of these in a later post... if I feel brave). He is such a love and takes care of me and protects me much more than I ever expect, or deserve. I won't go into detail, but he is quite prepared to change his life completely to help me and I can't thank him enough for 'being there' for me. He's a very, very special man.

The next though, surprisingly enough, is Connie. Even though I was pretty happy with our old Horizon rowing machine, I always hankered after a Concept of our very own and I'm so glad we bought her. She wasn't cheap, but she's worth every penny. In fact, I'd say, if she's good enough for this man, she's good enough for the fat lass!

Now, I can put my hand on my heart and say that I just can't believe how much difference she's made to my mornings. Hopping on and rowing (albeit for way too brief a time, dammit!) is sheer pleasure now she's set up in the office and some days I feel like could cheerfully carry on for hours if time permitted. It's like the difference between wearing a silk shirt and a haircloth one. It's funny, but it's really motivating - the knock-on feel-good effect continues right through the abs work too, which I'm also now enjoying much more than previously.

Another 'plus' is that my body finally seems to be catching up and getting the low carb message. Yes, I know, I know... I'm just too impatient!  But, I tested with Ketostix at the weekend and there was a bit of a colour difference so I guess I'm entering 'ketosis' and beginning to use up some fats as a fuel, not just glucose/glycogen. So, let's keep going this way and see what happens next.

One tiny worry though (and it's one I never thought I'd find myself putting into words) - the scales have also shifted downwards by just over a kilo in a week (aaaargh!) so I'll need to keep an eye on that as I really don't want to lose much, if anything at all. For one thing, we can't afford yet another new set of clothes... and, perhaps rather vainly, I like the clothes I have now! Hmmm, that said, if it reduces the 'orrid flap of belly fat a bit more I won't complain. Watch this space, I guess.

Onwards ever...

Whyever did I delay?

Lordy, but the fat lass can be really stooopid sometimes!

I've been a real old moaning Minnie recently, mithering on for ages about not having been exercising properly and not feeling enthused to start again, and still doing nothing much concrete to change things... until this weekend.

This weekend I bit the bullet, and it saw me back on the rower in the mornings. Hey, do you know what? It's great! OK, it isn't easy - in fact I puffed and blew like a grampus after my first stint, but the good news is that I'm back in the saddle (or on the rowing seat, anyhow).

My shoulders surely do know I'm doing it (ouch!), but my legs have been managing without a problem, and I've already upped my number of strokes after just a few short days. I'll be back up a respectable level before you know it... and that's a promise to myself!

I've also hauled the abs torture instrument out of mothballs and am back to that too. Er, my poor old belly muscles are noticing that I'm insisting on them doing some work... my belly's telling me loud and clear this morning that it isn't used to the trauma. But, it'll shut up soon enough if I keep at it... and I intend doing just that.

And the benefits of the increased exercise will be? A bit more tone back in the old bod (especially around the mid-section) and a whole lot more energy! My poor achy knees are already feeling easier.

Onwards ever...

Being looked after?

I'm not a particularly religious person - indeed I sometimes wish I had the faith my Mother has, which is a huge support and comfort to her. But me? No, 'fraid not, I guess I'm just too cynical.

However,there seems to be some sort of higher power at work at the moment. No sooner do I talk about looking for 'good' things in every day, than I get a full-on, glorious demonstration.

On my walk to catch the bus to work every day I cross a river. It's a nice, broad, gentle river (for the most part) and I see little fishes, ducks and swans almost every morning. Sometimes I'll see the odd cormorant, and (if it's a particularly good day) I may even spot a glimpse of electric blue as the kingfisher passes by.

But never in my wildest imaginings did I expect to see what I did this morning. The little fish were coming to the surface in a welter of ripples just under the bridge, as usual. I spotted a log, low in the water, sort of drifting just under the surface, but moving upstream. Hang on a minute... a log? Upstream? Huh?

Nope, the log rolled over and revealed itself to be an otter! My word - I've never in my life seen one before and have always wanted to. I stood entranced.

What's more, after a moment or two, another couple of disturbances in the water revealed that it had two more otters with it and this little family group of three were ready for breakfast! The fish stood no chance as the three converged from different directions, above and under the water. Those little ripples turned to all-out fishy panic as the poor things tried to scatter. Nature at it's most natural.

I couldn't tear myself away - could have stayed all day to watch them. In fact, I had to run like billie-oh to catch the bus and I only just made it on time!

But what a privilege to see these magnificent animals hunting and how fortunate I am to have seen this rare treat. Whatever my worries may be, that old black dog can just go hang - what a lot there is to be thankful for.

Definitely onwards ever...

Feeling fighting fit

OK, so that isn't strictly 100% accurate but it ain't too far off either. Life feels pretty good.

Lovely hubby and I went for a fabulous two-hour stint at the gym over the weekend and had a whale of a time. It was brilliant, really quiet (there was a local half-marathon on which kept the numbers down), and even the showers were warm this time. We both LOVED it, and came out of there into the glorious spring sunshine buzzing with energy and dancing with joy! In fact we went for quite a long walk afterwards too.

That pesky asthma-beast behaved itself quite politely and let me do everything I wanted to, with only a little coughing to remind me he hadn't gone away completely. C'mon beast... it's about time you went into hibernation!

As to feeling fit, well a small proportion of me (mainly around the pecs and shoulders) is a tad achy-sore this morning, but that just proves I did some work, n'est ce pas?

I decided to mix things up a little and do some different cardio stuff, rather than my usual routine, and also to add in some additional weights work. It went really well, although I struggled with the newer version of the elliptical (see picture) to begin with, at least until I got the hang of it and got into my stride. For some reason I started off backwards on this new one!

It's amazingly different to the old-style one that I'm used to using, but in a good way as it's very smooth. I shouldn't really be surprised, I guess. After all, the new stair-stepper is a world away from the squeaky, clunky older ones too. Hmmm, one other thing I noticed was that I am urgently in need of a new gym bra. The old one doesn't really fit any longer and certain parts of my anatomy were somewhat less comfortable than the norm. Must do something about this, pronto.

I do love our gym - there's none of the neon-lycra-clad poseur brigade about it's clientele and it is so good to have well-qualified and helpful staff at hand to show you exactly how to set up and use 'new' bits of gym equipment correctly. I had almost worked it out for myself, but confirmation from one who 'knows' is very reassuring.

The daily morning rowing stints are going pretty smoothly too (if still a bit of a daunting prospect when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m.!), and I'm looking around for other abs exercises I could use in our all too short period of time in the mornings, to give me a little variation in what I do.

From a food standpoint, things are also back to going pretty well. I was a bit naughty last week (actually quite a lot naughty, and paid for it with a smallish gain) but am back to sense and good healthy eating again so that excess should come back off without too much trauma.

Onwards ever...

Incentive

My lovely hubby has given me a great incentive to get my motivation kicked up a notch. Er, we made the mistake of looking at the sale rail in East at the weekend...

I came away from there the proud new owner of a 'target' dress, in deep purple merino wool, fitted at the bodice then A-line skirted, which, being soft and slinky wool, slinks across every little bump and wrinkle.

My mission (and I've chosen to accept it) is to minimise those bumps and wrinkles to provide a smooth(er) canvas for the beautiful dress.

OK pounds. Your days are numbered. It's gloves off time, and I am coming out of this the winner.

Keep on keeping on

Remember that 'positive' button from a few posts ago? Hmmm, I just need to keep my head above water and try not to let myself get disheartened. If I don't make active progress so be it, but what I DO NOT want to do is go backwards.

So, I've decided to cut myself a little slack until I feel properly well again and then I'll get back on the rower. In the meantime I'll remember to keep drinking my water, eat healthily (lots of vitamin rich fresh fruit and veggies) wherever possible, walk at lunchtimes, even if I don't stride out in my usual fashion, and I'll try to keep reminding myself to stay away from those naughtier tempting nibbles.

Speaking of which, I managed to pull off a major coup (for me) yesterday when I said a firm (if a little regretful) NO to a gorgeous looking piece of Key Lime pie. It was definitely calling my name (OK, it was bellowing 'eat me'!) but I turned and walked away. Even when a colleague offered to share the slice he'd just bought, I still (just about) managed to restrain myself.

Rush off to buff up that halo now, fat lass - NSVs = good!

The right direction

Once again I'm moving in it... albeit slowly.

Although the chest is still a bit problematic (thanks to the inhalers it's manageable though) I got back on the rower this morning. Oooooh, but that was rather hard going she says... putting it mildly! My stamina seems to have dropped to near zero so I didn't stay at it too long and was shaking and felt weak as a kitten when I got off. Still, it's a start.

I did a shortened version of the abs stuff too - again not finding it anything like easy, but it was do-able. All this activity sort of caught up with me on my way into work though, with a massive coughing bout so an enforced break at a coffee shop with the inhalers to the rescue. But I'll keep at it and it'll improve.

Foodwise, things are better too and the carbs and comfort food are not quite as magnetically attractive as they seemed. The scales are beginning to reflect this with a small loss. Yep - the correct direction, and there is only one way... straight on, right?

OK, let's see what this week brings.

Steady as she goes?

Yep, that sort of sums up the story of where I am at the moment and, in the main, I'm quite happy about that.

Let's go for the pluses first...

My weight is staying pretty steady, although it seems to cycle up and down between 55kg (which is my 'happy' number) and 56kg. I'm not going mad to lose any more weight so am just being careful (and mindful) with what I eat, making sure it's good healthy stuff (a.k.a. veggies aplenty). However, I am allowing myself to eat slightly more than when I've been in full weight-loss mode. So far, this seems to be working out fairly well, although I'm weighing daily to keep an eye on how I'm doing and am primed and ready to jigger with things if they do begin to go awry.

The exercise side of things is going quite well too. I'm rowing and doing a decent set of abs floor exercises six mornings out of seven, and walking near enough every day in addition. Lovely hubby and I have firm plans to re-join our gym at the weekend and I'm thinking positive thoughts about going once again... even though I know it's probably going to make me feel stiff as a board for a few days. As it stands right now though, I'm certainly feeling physically fitter than I have for a wee while. This is good because the menopause seems to have taken a turn for the negative. Bleh!

Mentally... I'm not exactly on an even keel. In recent weeks I've been mopey, tearful, down, irritable, snappy and dog-tired, and I'm guessing that a fair bit of this is hormonal. Oh Lordy, this is beginning to look like the return of Alecto!

I've also been worrying (to extremes!) about all sorts of 'stuff', some of which is made up of valid concerns and some of it is just plain silly things. Unfortunately, my head won't let me differentiate between the two types at dark o' hundred when I'm waking up in a muck sweat yet again and losing precious sleep. This is having a not unexpected knock-on effect on my days and I don't feel like I'm coping well with life in general at the moment.

However, hope is in sight. I've seen my GP and she seemed to think the changes that have happened recently were not much of a surprise (hmmm, just wish she'd warned me so I didn't think I was going doolally again!). Ho hum. Still, I now have a brand new, higher dose version of my HRT pills to start at the end of this cycle. Cross fingers, toes, and whatever else that they'll help, although I know it'll take a little while before things settle down.

In the meanwhile I've just got to try to hang on to my shredded temper and not let it get the better of me, and hang on to the motivation to keep the exercise up and this weight off and not descend into a chocolate flavoured pit of despair. Onwards ever.

Food, festivities and coping strategies

Ooooh, it's that wondrous time of year again. The eat, drink and be merry brigade are getting into full swing and exhortations to have 'just a small mince pie' are coming along thick and fast. However's a fat lass to cope, eh?

Well, I never was a boy scout (for some fairly self-evident anatomical reasons) but, these days, I do believe in 'being prepared'!

In the bad old days, this joyous season would begin and, well in advance of any actual event, my inner child would excitedly plan what she was going to be able eat, and drink, and treat herself with, and induldge in. She looked forward to all the foodie delights she could imagine (oooh - crisps, little savoury pies, sherry, mixed nuts and a whole tin of Quality Street to nibble - wheeee!). She'd also very carefully avoid even the slightest consideration of potential horrors to come in the New Year, when the scales reported just how enthusiastically she'd embraced the festivities. After all, this was Christmas!

Not any longer! I've finally learned that the 'moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips' statement can and does apply to me too, not just to a nebulous 'someone else'. I also keep reminding myself of just how hard I've had to work to claw my way down to my current weight from my previous unhappy obesity.

So, before the season gets fully under way, a Baldrick-style cunning plan is required, and it has to have several components...

First is that whole 'awareness' thing.

It's oh so important to really 'think' about what is on offer. Whatever it is, what might the benefits of consuming it be? They might be nutritional I guess, but more often they can be social - fitting in with a peer group, e.g. workmates, can be pretty important. But.... don't forget - 'social compliance' can still be achieved, you can just choose your own terms.

Benefits are only one thing though, The other side of the golden foil-wrapped chocolate coin is the downside. So, cultivating a keen awareness of just how many calories there can be in the usual Christmas offerings can really help. An example - that single 'small mince pie' can deliver a whopping 260 calories! (some of these derive from up to 40g of sugars.and nearly 9g of fat)... and that's before we even get to the brandy butter! And as to some of the other common seasonal specialities - be prepared ahead of time. Look 'em up.

Then there's excuses, excuses! With those downsides in mind, I also get my 'oh, no I couldn't' phrases off-pat and well practiced in advance. It's so much easier that way than getting caught on the hop, completely unprepared. The little excuses can vary, from 'oh how lovely, but I've only just eaten' to 'I'd love to join you in a glass, but I'm driving', to... well, I'm sure you can come up with a few more.

So you find that you can't avoid an event based around food? Well, another thing I try to do, when I know about it in advance, is to reduce the temptation to stuff by not arriving at Christmas 'do's hungry. An apple and a glass of water about half an hour before I set off can reap rewards!

Then, once I set eyes upon the tasty treats on offer at the inevitable buffet, I employ another little strategy. I try to pile up my plate with the veggie decorations (e.g. salad leaves) first, to leave less room for the calorific stuff. There's no need to refuse absolutely everything but, for keeping those portions well under control, this is a big, big help.

And if, like this week, it happens to be a sit down multi-course meal, I'll adjust what I eat for the rest of the day (or days either side). A smaller breakfast and minimalist lunch, and a brisk walk wherever possible, will all help a bit.

This one's not the easiest thing for me to do but... socialising a lot and engaging in witty conversation to keep my mouth and brain occupied, and to cut down the available time for indulging myself, is on the cards too. Dance, if there's a chance to do so, fat lass. Enjoy that party in a positive way. This is not a time to sit in the corner and act the wallflower.

Something I've been told but not consciously tried out yet (although this week will see the trial!), is to wear something which is just on the fringes of uncomfortably tight around the middle. That way you should be less inclined to fill your tummy with unnecessary food and drink and less likely to sit down and munch (keeping moving, even if just a little, is a good thing). To this end, I'll be wearing a velvet dress with a closely-fitting boned (not stretchy!) bodice later this week.

So the season will be jolly and I'll still enjoy it. I won't go mad and I will try to help myself  wherever I can. This January (unlike some previous ones) may not see the screams and howls of absolute horror when I step onto the dreaded scale, but if I do still put on a pound or two, so be it. One thing I do know now - I'm quite determined that it won't stay there for long!