30 June 2009

Sense, absence and uncertainty

Hello world - the fat lass is back.

Hmmm, I guess there's been a reason I've been absent and haven't posted for a couple of weeks. It's quite simple. I've been hiding... mostly from myself.

Looking back through the posts made over the last few months (back to the beginning of the year, really), they clearly show that things haven't been right for quite a while. It really hasn't been a great year at all, so far, although I still can't really identify why things have affected me so badly - they just have. Whatever the causes, I've struggled and, oh so often, found myself taking two steps backward for every one step forward.

And the results? My weight has see-sawed in response to my lack of focus. Currently, it's back to being just a shade over 70kg. At my worst point my weight sailed way back up to 74kg and stayed there for a couple of days. You can probably imagine how that made me feel - my self-esteem has had a pretty bumpy ride too.

Sure, the scales have hit the 69kg mark once or twice but that's been for just a few brief moments in time - it has never really dipped below that. Way back in April I moaned about hovering around at a bit over/under 70kg for rather too long. Here we are, nearly July already and I don't feel much has changed. Since I last saw my dietician in March my weight has not reduced significantly, if at all, and that isn't good. Maybe but maybe I can improve on that by the time I see her next, in September?

I think some of my inertia comes down to laziness (cunningly disguised as lack of time) and some from a willingness to take on board comments like 'you look great' and 'you don't want to lose any more weight'. These are well intended, but are not very helpful as inspiration to keep at it.

And I still find it strange/odd/puzzling that on two consecutive days I can feel so utterly different, despite occupying exactly the same body. One day I'll feel relatively slim and 'normal' and be quite pleased with the reflection I catch a glimpse of in shop windows; other days I take one look at myself and want to hide away from the world and put on my baggiest clothes. This has to be mind games, not reality, so how do I get past it and move forward?

I think it would also help if I focus on where I really do want to get to. You see, I've already pretty much surpassed the 'size 14' target which seemed so pie-in-the-sky when I first began. Trouble is, that target never really got replaced by a new one. The 'normal' BMI one is great in words, but my head just can't seem to visualise it.

I guess I know what I should do if I'm serious about losing the additional lbs. That is eat less, exercise more. The big question is... am I serious. I haven't shown many indications of this for some time so how do I make myself actually put my money where my mouth is. I've been trying... but regularly failing.

It might help to examine the pros and cons of where I find myself right now. In no particular order...


  • c.5 stone down on where I first started, two years ago
  • healthier (definitely!) than when I first started
  • improved eating habits (fruit/veg = in, chocolate/crisps = out)
  • no reversion to steady weight gain
  • holding at something like a UK size 12-14 (not too bad from size 24!)
  • I can (and sometimes do) wear pretty girly dresses
  • BMI no longer 'obese' or worse
  • still rowing for c.15 minutes each morning
  • no more physio visits (although the daily exercises are still ongoing)
  • no more inhalers needed

  • no overall weight loss since c. February/March
  • not exercising as much as I should (still no gym or Chi Kung)
  • still at an 'overweight' BMI
  • that 'orrible belly remains!
  • too fat to wear my new Wrangler jeans without a flabby muffin-top
  • still prone to the 'under stress = eat food' reaction, even if the type of food's improved

Is this the point where I should kick my butt into action, or just relax and start singing Monty Python's 'Always look on the bright side of life'? Only the fat lass can decide.


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