Up and down, comings and goings

Firstly, this means my moods, which are daily swinging from 'absolutely super' to 'decidedly 'orrid' and back again. Moderate and measured definitely isn't me at the moment, which makes me wonder whether the seemingly un-ending bl**dy menopause is throwing a little wobbly, despite the HRT - is that possible?

Whatever, it's been accentuated as work has been a real pig since we got back from the break (in a variety of ways, although none too serious), but more in that I am worrying about a slight change in my darling lovely hubby's health. Nothing major (crossing fingers, toes and everything else I can manage), but a nagging concern and enough to disrupt the odd night's sleep.

I also find, and this is unexpectedly tough, that I'm really, really feeling the absence of my beloved and much missed Mum as the evenings draw in. Silly, I know, but one of the problems is that I can't have just a quick nightly chat to her any more. Never expected to feel this so deeply after all this time (it's been nearly eighteen months since we lost her), but I keep telling myself it itsn't anything but natural. Ho hum.

Then there's weight. We came back to find that both of us had lost some weight, which was fabulous. But... just over one week on and I've discovered that I now own a stray kilo, which has plopped onto my body somewhere as my scales cheerily tell me. Bottoms! That doesn't make a girl feel so great... and I honestly have NOT gone silly with food, even when I've got irritable, stressed and gloomy.

And now to the comings and goings... it's going to be a hectic few weeks and I'll be MIA quite a bit. This is because I'm finally (after several years asking) booked onto a training course which should lead, er... I hope, to a nationally recognised qualification. The course starts next Monday and it's one week on (down in London to boot, with all the joys of commuting), a week back at work, another week on, then revision for two written papers... then a final one-to-one practical assessment.

Er, silly sausage that I am, I thought that this fast-track approach would be a sensible option - the alternative being six months of day release. The course materials turned up yesterday... and all I can say is 'aaaaargh'. Boy, all this stuff to cover (and remember!) in just over two weeks? And the perils of workplace legislation to consider too?? Poor old grey matter - do I ever have my work cut out for me!

If I'm honest, I'm nervous... er, let's make that scared... er, it's more like bricking it. However, it was my decision to do it, I signed up for it and I'll have to do my best with it. Who knows, I might actually enjoy it.

The upshot, as always, is to keep positive as much as possible and repeat my usual - onwards, ever...

A happy puppy

There are downsides in life (like the little bug which has given me a thundering headache and made me break out in cold sores - grrr!) and then there are the upsides.

Went to see my lady doctor earlier this week about a little spot of bother I've had with Mrs Menopause. It's no great huhu, but something that's given me pause for thought and that I wanted her to be aware of. It turned out to be neither a downside nor an upside - more a 'hmmm, we'll see'.

Doc was, as always, really great. She took time, listened carefully and discussed it with me, and we agreed that we won't leap into making changes just yet so, for now and for the next three months, I'm on a 'watching brief'. If things stay OK over that time there's no further need to worry. If they don't quite go to plan then we'll be heading off into prodding and poking territory. As I say... hmmm. Wish me luck.

While I was there though, two other things happened that made this fat lass a very happy puppy indeed.

The first was a discussion about my asthma. She noticed from my records that I hadn't ordered the inhalers on my repeat prescription for 'quite some time'. I agreed that I hadn't, and confirmed that I couldn't remember the last time I'd needed to use them. I also confessed that I can't actually recall where I've put them (sheepish grin) and that I certainly don't still carry them everywhere with me now, like I did for most of my life. She replied, 'no problem, I'll take them off your prescription'.

Doesn't sound like such a big deal, eh? Well, to me it is - I've had the darned things on my repeat prescription (and carted at least one around with me) since I was in my early teens. So this is a very B-I-G measure of progress for me... and all this good stuff whilst my aerobic excersise plans are still sitting firmly on the back seat as I'm not yet back to my regular rowing. I told my doc I couldn't have been given a nicer Christmas present.

She then decided it was probably about time to take my blood pressure as it hadn't been checked for a while. She was happy when it came out as 125/65 mm/Hg, and that was after a brisk walk to the surgery so not exactly 'resting'. Hey, OK, I'll take that.

Before factoring in age and gender, a nice 'normal' blood pressure reading is said to be 120/80 mm/Hg (systolic/diastolic). Actually, in the UK, adult blood pressures are usually categorised into three groups:
Low = 90/60 mm/Hg or lower
High = 140/90 mm/Hg or higher
and
Normal = values above 90/60 mm/Hg and below 130/80 mm/Hg

Then there are those modifying factors. For a woman like me, aged between 50 and 54 (OK, I know, but I'm just about still in there), 142/89 mm/Hg is deemed to be the high end of the 'normal' range. Note this is still 'normal', just the top end, once age and gender are accounted for.

By the time I hit my next birthday, so fall into the age 55 to 59 bracket, that 'normal' upper value is expected to be a little higher, at 144/90 mm/Hg. In fact, the 'average' blood pressure for a healthy 54-year-old woman is, I gather (after Google searching), 129/85 mm/Hg. Even looking at that I think I'm doing OK.

So far, so good...

It's been a roller-coaster weekend.

The upside? Walking on the banks of a beautiful river in the sunshine with my lovely hubby, my niece (who's expecting her first child in a few months time) and her very cute dog.

The downside? A lot of travelling and a real scare so some intense stress when I thought I was going to lose my darling Mum (she was very poorly indeed on Saturday).

By Sunday, as a reduction of panic and sweet relief kicked in, I came close (oooh, so very close!) to falling off the low-carb wagon. I wavered, and almost succumbed to the lure of fresh Welsh cakes, but... was saved at the last moment. Phew!

It's also been my first week on Premique (after the switch away from Tibolone) and I'm pleased to say that, on the menopause front, things do already seem to have settled down a bit. I feel more like 'me' again. However, it's very early days and I wasn't expecting much when I got on the scales this morning (my first chance after the weekend) so I had a pretty nice surprise. I'm down a kilo and it feels great!

Onwards, very definitely upwards!

Bye bye Tibolone

Well, it looks like the Tibolone and I didn't get on in the docs opinion too. Funny though. She seemed a lot less bothered by the increased occurrence of night sweats (a.k.a. the fat lass is a human waterfall!) and the dramatic change away from my calm, peaceful moods (fat lass morphing into a she-devil) than she was by the little bit of a skin rash (which I'd thought trivial).

Anyhow, today sees Day 1 of a new regime - this time I'm trying out Premique, which is (apparently) a bit more similar to the old Prempak-C I used to take. We'll see how things go. Cross your fingers for me, eh?

And, on a different note... a sad fact, maybe... but not all is lost

It is a much mentioned 'fact' that ninety per cent of people who go on diets regain the weight within a year. I think that's pretty accurate - after all, I used to be regularly join that ninety percent all too often, following one 'diet' after another over decades.

But, stop and think about this for a moment. Sure, regaining is the majority - but that leaves ten percent of us (of which I am finally one and many of you will also be) who DO NOT regain what they worked so hard to lose. That ten percent is not to be sniffed at - we're doing better than the trend and it's worth looking at why this might be.

So what are we doing right?

Well, everyone will have their own story, but the US National Weight Control Registry studied the habits of the ten per cent of people who did keep their weight off.

Their study looked at people who had shed and kept off between 30lbs and 300lbs over a five year period, or longer.

Here’s what they did:
[comments in brackets are mine, and show what out of the list I do]

78 % ate breakfast every day.     [tick]
75 % weighed themselves at least once a week.     [tick]
62 % watched less than ten hours of TV a week.     [tick]
90 % exercised moderately for an hour every day (most chose walking).     [tick]

Hmmm, pretty nice to get confirmation that, for once in life, you are doing something right, eh?

Good news, and a 'but'

I'm eating healthily enough and not going mad with portions. My weight is still OK and is still hanging in there at a pretty comfortable level, currently 55kg. The early morning exercise regime is going well and both lovely hubby and I got all excited about being back at the gym on Sunday. I even think I'm possibly beginning to see a small difference to my belly. Slightly, almost imperceptibly, it's maybe getting a bit firmer. All good stuff, no?

But...

The 'but' is that, mentally, I'm really not in a positive frame of mind and I think it's these darned kooky hormones. My confidence has taken quite a back seat and I just don't feel like 'me'. I know this is going to sound completely irrational but half the time I feel as though nothing much has changed and that still I'm buried under my old fat suit, just as I used to be four or so years ago. Sure, my clothes clearly demonstrate that things have got better, but my mental picture of 'me' has become a bit on the warped side at the moment.

Even when I force the issue and apply straight up logic or look back at old photos, the grown-up part of me can see reality but, for the rest... well it's almost that I'm expecting to get up one morning, hop onto the scales and see a horrendous number which puts me right back to square one and confirms I am indeed the fat lass my head is telling me I am.

I'm also seriously cranky and lacking in patience. Janey Mac! but we have to get these blasted hormones sorted out. New tablets start tomorrow so let's cross my fingers they kick in soonest. Right now, female and fifties isn't my idea of fun! Ho hum.

Steady as she goes?

Yep, that sort of sums up the story of where I am at the moment and, in the main, I'm quite happy about that.

Let's go for the pluses first...

My weight is staying pretty steady, although it seems to cycle up and down between 55kg (which is my 'happy' number) and 56kg. I'm not going mad to lose any more weight so am just being careful (and mindful) with what I eat, making sure it's good healthy stuff (a.k.a. veggies aplenty). However, I am allowing myself to eat slightly more than when I've been in full weight-loss mode. So far, this seems to be working out fairly well, although I'm weighing daily to keep an eye on how I'm doing and am primed and ready to jigger with things if they do begin to go awry.

The exercise side of things is going quite well too. I'm rowing and doing a decent set of abs floor exercises six mornings out of seven, and walking near enough every day in addition. Lovely hubby and I have firm plans to re-join our gym at the weekend and I'm thinking positive thoughts about going once again... even though I know it's probably going to make me feel stiff as a board for a few days. As it stands right now though, I'm certainly feeling physically fitter than I have for a wee while. This is good because the menopause seems to have taken a turn for the negative. Bleh!

Mentally... I'm not exactly on an even keel. In recent weeks I've been mopey, tearful, down, irritable, snappy and dog-tired, and I'm guessing that a fair bit of this is hormonal. Oh Lordy, this is beginning to look like the return of Alecto!

I've also been worrying (to extremes!) about all sorts of 'stuff', some of which is made up of valid concerns and some of it is just plain silly things. Unfortunately, my head won't let me differentiate between the two types at dark o' hundred when I'm waking up in a muck sweat yet again and losing precious sleep. This is having a not unexpected knock-on effect on my days and I don't feel like I'm coping well with life in general at the moment.

However, hope is in sight. I've seen my GP and she seemed to think the changes that have happened recently were not much of a surprise (hmmm, just wish she'd warned me so I didn't think I was going doolally again!). Ho hum. Still, I now have a brand new, higher dose version of my HRT pills to start at the end of this cycle. Cross fingers, toes, and whatever else that they'll help, although I know it'll take a little while before things settle down.

In the meanwhile I've just got to try to hang on to my shredded temper and not let it get the better of me, and hang on to the motivation to keep the exercise up and this weight off and not descend into a chocolate flavoured pit of despair. Onwards ever.

The long road back...

Well, I got back on the rower yesterday for the first time in ages and, while I was pleased that I'd done it, it was rather a shock. Oh dear.

I knew I'd lost fitness and I am also well aware that I am still trying to shake off the last of this damned bug (antibiotics round two prescribed on Friday), but wow! After a mere five minutes rowing, and not pushing it hard at that, I was gasping, coughing and shaking and feeling very slightly queasy. My usual (OK, my 'expected') stroke rate has dropped dramatically too, so that it took me well over five and a half minutes for 150 strokes. It also took me quite some time to recover. Not good.

This morning's stint was damned hard too. It felt much the same, and I rowed about the same, rate and time-wise. However, I didn't feel quite so breathless at the end although recovery time was still pretty poor, I wasn't so shaky and didn't feel queasy. Progress?

What's shocked me more is measuring my peak expiratory flow (PEF) rate. Again, I haven't done this for a little while and the result has certainly made me sit up and take notice. My asthma apparently isn't as well under control as I'd thought. My average peak flow (from three readings) was only 370 l/min today! That's really poor considering that it is generally around the 450 l/min mark, and that was the case not all that long ago.

Somewhere in the region of 450 to 460 l/min is about the expected 'normal' value on the charts used to calculate expected PEF for a woman of my age and height, so dropping this far down is quite a surprise... and not a pleasant one. It has convinced me that I need to continue using the steroid inhaler as well as the salbutamol for some time yet.

It's also shown me, quite graphically, that I need to build up my time and stroke rate on the rower gently but steadily, and keep at the walking too. Sure the eating needs to be good and healthy but my priority and focus has now shifted away from pure weight loss. Improving my fitness, particularly lung function, is definitely top dog at the moment.

Making this point more than merely a slight concern is a recent report linking the use of HRT (which, of course, is so relevant to me!) to an increased risk of severe asthma attacks

Having been hospitalised by a severe attack in the past, I do not want to go there again.

Not a happy camper

Partly down to me and, I think, partly down to the new medication but my weight has risen quite dramatically. I am back to tipping the scales at 61kg and am none too pleased to be over my 'magic' nine and a half stone barrier just in time for the wedding. Grrr!

OK, I'll hold up my hand and admit that I've not been as careful as I should have been over the last week and that some of that gain will undoubtedly be my own fault. But, and I think this is a valid 'but', I have not gone mad by any stretch of the imagination. Yet a 3kg rise (that's 6.6lbs, or nearly half a stone, fer pete's sake!) in just one short week is considerably more than my minor lapses could account for. This leads me to wonder if those pretty new HRT pills are having an effect... just as it says they might in the side-effects section of the leaflet. Since I started taking them I've felt heavy and bloated, and my rings are not falling off me as they were before... although some of that may be down to the unexpectedly warm weather I guess.

So what's the thing I'm most unhappy about? The blasted mind games!

While the logical part of me realises that I haven't instantly turned into the blob or the monster from the black lagoon, the emotional side is sobbing in horror and telling me I've blown it and failed and am fat and ugly and horrible. Not a nice place to be and I'm struggling to shut out the negative messages and focus on being the sane, rational grown-up woman I thought I'd returned to. Lord! Haven't I learned anything about this business?

Well, I can't lose the lbs in the few short days until the wedding so I just have to suck it up. My dress will still fit me so I need to stop moaning and look on the bright side. Three years ago I was celebrating losing 'some' of my weight prior to my friend's wedding, and dropping a dress size or two. Think it may be time to look back at the photos from that day and then in a mirror. Get real, fat lass!

Oh pooh, bah and humbug

Sorry chaps. Rant about to start.

Is it me or is it these bloody HRT pills? Whatever the reason my blasted weight has gone up AGAIN and I'm right back up to a shade OVER ten stone! Growl, hiss, spit! The fat lass is NOT a happy camper at all.

Yes, it's been a hard few weeks at work, with a lot of stress and I know I don't do well under too much stress. But, it seems an amazing coincidence that, my weight having been pretty much OK (give or take) for quite some time and despite still eating sensibly and moving my butt (albeit not as much as I ought), suddenly I'm seeing a weight gain... and not a minor one either.

What's more, with the second type of these pills (they are oestrogen only white pills for day 1-16 then oestrogen and progesterone green ones from day 17-28) my relatively calm frame of mind went right out the window and my mate Alecto the Fury took over once again... in spades! My poor lovely hubby took the brunt of it and it probably took all his courage to 'casually' mention over breakfast one morning that I seemed a bit 'short-tempered'. Poor lamb.

Thankfully, my raging emotions only lasted two or three days before things settled down a bit, but the sudden change is making me think that, as the pills are having a major impact on my character, they are probably having an equally significant effect on my body. My digestive system is still not quite on balance and I can see from my ankles that I'm also retaining a bit of water again too.

Well, if it is the pills - bugger them. They are not going to defeat me! I will shift this bloody weight again, come hell or high water. I WILL get down to my intended weight. Failure is NOT an option.

A rollercoaster ride

OK, having now been taking the HRT tablets the doctor prescribed (Elleste Duet) for a couple of weeks. So... how are things going? Well, I'd say things were a bit up and down to be honest.

My 'hot spots' haven't exactly gone away, but they do seem less frequent (night sweats once or twice a night now, not five or six episodes!) and they are less intense. I should still be hooked up to the National Grid as I produce a lot of excess energy, but the Water Board probably couldn't make much use of me to reduce seasonal shortages now. Likewise, those extremely irritating Beach Boys haven't decided to retire altogether. Still, the buzzing blighters play me up less often and at a significantly reduced, more manageable, volume. My moods seem a bit less volatile too, which is a big plus as I'm a bit more on an even keel. Less intense anger (although I still have my moments) and a reduction in the sudden floods of tears for no real reason.

But... and there always is at least one 'but', isn't there... there are a few things which are causing me some disquiet. First of these is that, even though the night sweats are less of an issue, I'm still not sleeping properly and so I'm almost always feeling tired and mildly run down as a consequence. The overnight disturbances caused by the sweats seem to have been substituted with other wake up calls! I seem to be getting bad dreams (hmmm, nightmares really) quite frequently over the past couple of weeks. Some of them are pretty unsettling too. It reminds me of the time I took Lariam to prevent malaria - but thankfully not as bad! And there are the early hours leg cramps. Not something I suffer from usually, but lately my calf muscles have managed to tie themselves into excruciating knots and wake me.

Then there's early morning indigestion - usually first thing in the morning, or within half an hour or so of breakfast. I don't feel sick exactly, just a bit uncomfortable and mildly 'dodgy'. I feel bloated and bigger around the belly (despite the yoghurt) and my digestive system seems to be just slightly out of kilter.

But the one which is really annoying to a fat lass is the effect on my weight. OK, it wasn't the best of weeks last week, but things shouldn't have been bad enough to see the scales leap back up to 62.5kg again. Needless to say... they did! I can tell from my wedding ring being tighter on my finger that I'm retaining water so that is part of it, but...

Coincidence? Not sure.

It's still very early days so I guess it's 'keep taking the tablets' and see how things go.

Alecto and the Beach Boys

Who'd be female and fifty, huh?

Hormonal rant coming up - those of the alternative gender, readers of tender youth and anyone of a sensitive disposition may like to navigate somewhere else!

Yeah, so I'm probably getting ahead of myself here. News on the blood test not back yet from the GP, so I don't know whether she will confirm that the blasted menopause process IS actually underway, despite me being fairly convinced that that's where I stand. However, I think all this 'stuff' going on with my body and my emotions is, in common with the sudden and overwhelming hot sweats and the disturbed nights, merely a few more delightful symptoms of the menopause related c**p!

There are two major things bothering me at the moment. Both of these are taking over my life and affecting my concentration and, to some extent, the combination makes my weight-loss efforts much, much more challenging. Actually, they are making life in general pretty challenging right now and relationships are getting a tad strained because I'm soooo very cranky, soooo very often.

The first is something the GP was quite happy to acknowledge is hormone-driven. I'm experiencing some pretty serious mood swings. Did I say swings? Hmmm, think again - there's one 'mood' which is pretty much a constant, right now... and this is?

Well, the aspect of this emotional imbalance which is getting me down more than all the other parts (e.g. the blue meanie miseries or sudden tearfulness) is that I seem to switch in a nanosecond from being my usual 'relatively' calm self to a close comrade of the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil.

It can (and does) happen over the silliest, tiniest, most irrelevant things, and it it this which makes it so crazy and so utterly annoying. I don't seem to be particularly phased by life's bigger worries (well, not any more than usual) but so often recently the most minor of silly irritations instantly transforms me, à la Jekyll & Hyde, into a hissing, spitting fury.

And it's happening a lot! It's pretty embarassing to be honest - it takes me a long time to settle back to normality and I don't feel like 'me' at all.

So why does my title mention Alecto? Well, she is one of the three Greek goddesses of vengeance, often called the Furies... with Alecto being the sister characterised by constant, unceasing anger. Ooooh, sounds familiar, huh?

Then we get to the Beach Boys... and this one is a real doozy! For the last several months I've been plagued by what I can only describe as 'internal vibrations'. A sort of intermittent buzzing, like the tic of a muscle or the twitching of an eyelid, and it's both disturbing and unsettling in a BIG way. Mine happens about an inch and a half down from my belly button and an inch and a half in. Some days (and most nights) the vibrations drive me to distraction.

Lovely hubby thought it was quite amusing to begin with, when I described it, and nicknamed these episodes as my 'Good Vibrations'. Humph! 'Good' they are most definitely not. Sadly, I've lost my sense of humour after this length of time and the GP had never heard of anything like it, menopause related or not. In fact, she looked askance and seemed to think this was a very odd thing to mention. I'm not certain she actually believed me - sceptics 'r us, methinks!

So, good old Google search to the rescue and it seems I'm not alone in suffering this, nor indeed am I nuts (thank you Lord). If this is another little fringe benefit of the menopause, which seems a strong possibility, it could be as simple as messed up hormones affecting nerve transmissions... or messing with levels of B vitamins... or something. Whatever it is I do wish it would go away.

Between all the different types of 'fun' which seem to be happening to me recently, deciding to go for the HRT option is looking rather more and more likely. The hell with the long-term risks if it gives me my life back. From what the GP explained the risks don't sound terribly high anyway and, heck, when it comes to risks I could always get hit by the number 9 bus on my way to work, couldn't I.

The needle swings... slowly

And... phew... it's back in the right direction this time. Please can I have my mojo back now?

For the whole of this year so far (and we are nearly a quarter of the way through it!) the lbs, no let's be honest, what I really mean is my degree of fatness, has been up and down, then up and down, and then, er... up and up (oh Lord!). I hit 66kg again at the start of the week which made me very unhappy with myself again. My trousers tell me this is definitely a true gain and I feel very sheepish and annoyed with myself for being so stoopid!

And yes, I know why it happened. It's all down to a complete lack of discipline and a fair old sprinkling of 'stress = food' days, coupled with limited exercise. I've talked the talk before and said this needs to change, but as to walking the walk...

This gain is a reminder of why doing that, just talking about it, is useless. Unless I do something decisive it'd be all too easy to keep going on upwards. I've done that so many times in the past and I don't want to do it again. Sooo, I've made a start (for the umpteenth time) and the scales are showing teensy-tiny, baby-steps results. There's a way to go before I get back down to my lowest this year (62.5kg) but I WILL get there.

So, looking for more positives to keep me going, one point in my favour is that although I've eaten too much, I've still eaten relatively healthily and it hasn't been a solid return to crisps and chocolate. A bit too heavy on the carbs, but at least I've been getting a good variety of vitamins and minerals into the old body. I need to keep my eye firmly on the choices I'm making and take time to savour every mouthful, slowly and thoughtfully again. That'll help with filling me up and stopping me at a reasonable portion size.

Positive too, I've kept on walking and I did the salsacise classes so I haven't completely abandoned 'being active'. But, I feel more comfortable (safer?) doing the Chi Kung again and much less likely to mess up my knees so I can try to build on this and fit in a bit more variety in my exercise.

Two words - consistency and mindfulness - that's what I need to have at the forefront of my mind whenever I'm stressed or near food, and about the exercise. I started this whole business as a plan for life, not a quick fix. I need to concentrate on that again.

I'm hoping to have got myself back under control and am feeling a little bit more positive, long may it continue. I've also finally been to talk to my GP about the menopause (!?*#!) and have had a blood test to see if that's one contributing factor to why I've been so emotional and cranky recently. Once the results are in, and if it's a resounding 'yes', then we can talk HRT. Any good (or bad) experiences, anyone?