03 August 2009

We are not alone...

Nah, don't run away! Keep reading, there's no mumbo jumbo 'aliens from outer space' rubbish, just a fat lass who has figured out, having hidden from the world for a wee bit too long, that she's not the only one struggling with the ongoing battle of the bulge.

It's been a while since I posted... again! I've spent quite a lot of the intervening weeks pondering, questioning, doubting, dwelling and generally thinking. Most of this has revolved around my tricky question from the last post, which is "what do I really want?".

Hmmm, I've decided that, even though I am somewhere in the region of seventy pounds lighter than when this odyssey began, what I want is to do is lose a bit more weight. Whoa, that must be the revelation of the decade, I can almost hear you say! But seriously, I wasn't really sure whether that was part of my grand plan or not.

Now I am sure and am heading to the gym tonight, with my lovely hubby, and we are both renewing our membership! Lunch is back to crudites, fruit and a brisk walk around the block... if not further.

I think I mentioned that, being down to a size 12/14 and holding steady, I've already exceeded where I ever dreamed I could get to. That's a good thing. I think I also mentioned that I've struggled with well meant but somehow unhelpful comments from several people who think I've "lost enough weight". After all, I "wouldn't want to look skinny now, would I?".

Er, what? Let's have a reality check here please. OK, I'll admit that I do look a whole hell of a lot better than I did when I carted that extra 5 stone of blubber about with me. But... at c. eleven stone I am still officially at an 'overweight' BMI for my, not very tall, five foot four inches. That is clearly NOT a 'normal' BMI, wouldn't you agree?

I still have a 31" waist (that's not exactly a wasp waist in my book) and I definitely posess a broad behind. I have fat legs and a flabby belly of which I am not proud and would love to be rid! Sure, I look 'better', but why, for heavens sake, would I not want to look 'skinny'? Or even 'normal'.

When I sat and thought about it, several of those comments came from people who say, usually with a sad sigh, that they 'ought to lose a few pounds' too. Then we usually have the 'how have you done it' conversation. I'm sure you'll know the one I mean.

That's the one that comes with the expectation of my secret being a 'green tea and a happy smile' or 'never eating carbs on a Thursday'. A neat solution that made me lose all this weight with no effort whatsoever on my part. Somehow, nearly two years of eating significantly less and moving this flabby carcass substantially more doesn't cut the mustard at all, and the conversation soon veers off in another direction.

Another thing I noticed was that I'd stopped reading the blogs other ladies so eloquently write about their weight loss journeys. Inspirational ladies like Lyn (Escape From Obesity) and Sara (Sara Gets Skinny) and Lynn (Hungry Little Caterpillar). You can see their sites by clicking on the links on the right. I think this was to do with feeling really unsure of myself and my aims, and somehow feeling a failure for 'giving up the fight'.

But, I've been back to their sites today and guess what. They too have or have had their struggles and are not ashamed to admit it to the world. So, looks like I'm in good company then.

I just want to say to those ladies (even though it's unlikely that any of them will see this), and anyone else out there who gives a damn, thanks for sharing the imperfect times as well as the successes. I hope your wishes turn into reality. Somehow, knowing that we share similar worries, setbacks and so on is just as inspirational as hearing about the good times - we truly are not alone.


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