A great evening... and a good day today?

Really enjoyed my Chi Kung class last night. Once again, all the day's cares just drifted away and I came away really content. Can't exactly say I bounced out of there, but at least I hobbled happily. And what's more, my lovely hubby met me when I got off the bus too - heaven!

We got home to one of hubby's super soups. This one was Pea, Sweet Potato and Leek (with a few scraps of leftover ham shredded into the mix). Delicious, filling and warming, with a hunk of bread. Just the ticket for an autumn evening.

Confession time. I cheated this morning and got on the scales again - I just couldn't help myself. I may be proved wrong, but yesterday's tale of woe 'may' possibly have been an unpleasant blip as they are back to reading 76kg again today. Whether I'm right or not, this makes me feel happier and more motivated. I still haven't lost any weight, but at least I may not have gone up. Please, pretty please?

I know, I know - I shouldn't take too much notice of scale readings but it's very hard to stay in that 'objective' zone, and keep the motivation going, when I'm faced with a rise. How about you guys?

However, I'm not intending to rest on my laurels. Yesterday was a wake up call and I'm still going to get to grips with all those points I thought seriously about and listed. Why? Because I want to drop to my target within the next three weeks, and then keep right on going down. That dress deserves to be worn!

As a start, I've been walking at lunchtime - to hell with the weather! Walked for about an hour and it was lovely, although the knee doesn't like me too much right now. The leaves turning red and yellow made me smile. It kind of means I've missed out on the whole eating lunch bit, so I'm nibbling a little bit of dried fruit to keep me going, with an orange to come later. Going to have to plan this better and bring something easily nibbled when I get back - I used to have chopped veggies and cottage cheese, so they had better return to my lunch box.

Not so happy Monday

Oh pooh, blast and dammit. Got on the scales this morning and the weight has gone UP to 76.5kg - so I've damned well put weight on. Not a great start to my week, so I'm not happy bunny!

Yeah, I know - it is my own fault. Can't put the blame on anyone else, can I? When I stop and think, it probably has much to do with last week being one of less exercise than I'd ideally have liked to do - the knee and back are being a pain... literally! Roll on seeing the GP. But that isn't the whole story, is it girl? I know I got very fed up as well, so don't suppose the food choices I made were all that sensible either, especially at the start of the week.

OK, it's only about a one pound change but it's in the wrong direction and I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't at least stay stable at 76kg. I guess I shouldn't expect miracles but my aim to be 75kg by the time we go away for our break seems to be slipping away from me. My motivation is not great right now.

After that as a starting point the blue meanies have really hit me today. It was dark when I left for work this morning - not fully dark, but enough to make me feel depressed. It was also cold, well chillier than it has been, and my journey in was a long, hassle-filled one so I got to work cold, late, aching and less than cheery. It'll be dark when I get home after Chi Kung tonight too. It isn't even October yet and the weather forecast for the rest of this week looks dreadful - this doesn't feel good at all.

I'm really going to need to think long and hard about how I'm going to keep my fat ass on track in the colder, darker days ahead. I do not want to stay at this weight forever but I'm worried that if it changes at all, it will not be a change for the better.

Get serious girl! A good talking to is needed here - apart from the exercise, which is a bit of a challenge right now, what I'm doing wrong at the moment includes:

• Not thinking carefully before I eat something - do I really want/need it? Am I actually hungry?
• Not eating slowly and taking time to taste and enjoy every bite of the food in front of me
• Eating things because they are there, or having 'just a little treat'... too darned often.
• Eating too much in one go - I need to reduce the portions I dish up... again
• Having a glass of wine or beer in the week, and more than just once - I did cut down on alcohol but...
• Not eating enough fruit and veg - the bread & meat intake has increased again! Time to rediscover cottage cheese?

If I'm being honest, even the exercise can be increased - just a bit creatively. I need to start walking at lunchtime again, even if I do limp. If I plan for success I might just achieve it.

And, when someone tells me I'm looking good (which has happened a couple of times in the last week or so), I must remember just what they are comparing my appearance with! I was fat, actually very FAT, so whilst I look better now than before, it's still NOT what I'd class as 'good'. Still measuring in at a wobbly size 16 I'm kidding myself if I think I'm skinny now - I'm still very firmly overweight - a fat lass, in fact.

Want proof? Just look in the mirror and see that belly. While it may be cute on this...

...it's not cute on me!



If I want that to change it means putting in the hard graft - starting NOW!

On a lighter note, hubby saw me stuffed into 'that dress' yesterday. As I mentioned, it is extremely (oh boy!) tight, but he says it will be stunning once I've lost some more weight. So, more love per square inch, eh? I've just got to get myself there!

Life is a bit of a rollercoaster ride

Life is full of little ups and downs. They've all happened this week... and it's only Thursday. It has not been a great week for food (some 'naughtier' options early on in the week) so far, but a reasonable week for exercise (considering everything), a pretty poor week healthwise, an awful week for body image and a very variable week for motivation. Plus ça change...!

Saw the physio on Tuesday and, after about two months of work on my part, she does see some progress... just not a lot, and certainly less than I'd hoped for. I have to confess I'm a bit disappointed and rather demoralised as I really have been trying hard to make progress. Never mind, pick myself up, keep on doing what I'm doing now (but more so), on to the next review in November and then start with Plan B.

The knee and lower back have conspired against me to make for a few painful days (and nights!) since the weekend. Getting precious little sleep and becoming more tired by the day doesn't make things easy to keep to the plan. My patience has flagged and my temper has become a whole lot shorter - this means I'm not the only one suffering. I hate taking pills (somehow it feels like I'm failing), but sometimes there really isn't a choice if you need to keep moving - so painkillers 'r us this week. What's the betting that it will all have settled down by the time I get to see my GP?

The wonderful world of work is a sniffly, miserable place at the moment. I'm OK (and taking Vitamin C in the form of an orange a day!), but quite a few people here have colds, sore throats, etc. Don't give it to me - I don't want it!

Some reasons to be grateful though. I spoke to a good friend of mine a couple of days ago and she is really going through a bad time. There is nothing we can do to help, except be there for support - that makes me feel quite ashamed for all my whining. I've just found out that my brother isn't doing too well either. And to make things even more pointed, I saw a picture of my ex. I know he has been ill but he looks really, really old and haggard and he is only nine years older than me - again, that makes me aware that my 'wee problems' are not actually terribly serious.

On a positive note, I have now got a posh frock to give me some motivation and a target to aim for. It's black, it's long, it's slinky and it's absolutely nothing like anything I've ever worn (or owned!) in my life. It's also a size 14, and doesn't look like a particularly generous cut to my jaundiced eye. I can just about manage to shoe-horn myself into it and, with a struggle, get the zip done up... but can't then breathe or move. Hmmm, so it's not going to be worn this Christmas, but perhaps next?

It is beyond amazing to me to think that I'm even considering something like this. A year ago I'd have a) avoided going anywhere that entailed posh clothes and b) if forced to dress up as a girl, hidden my flab in a tent!

Good morning

Despite my worries I went to Chi Kung last night and the knee held up reasonably well for the whole hour. There were one or two bits it didn't like too much but I carried on anyway and really enjoyed being back at my class, seeing some old faces and some new ones. The focus and measured movements had a really positive effect on me - I found the day's cares and worries dropping away as we went through the evening. It was great to be back and I can happily say that I limped out feeling a whole lot better than when I limped in!

Today it was up early and back on the rower (a slow but steady 350 strokes), and then doing my other morning exercises. Again, not all plain sailing but do-able and I feel a lot better for it. My daily walk (well, hobble) across town into work was good too - a cool, but lovely autumnal morning here.

Yes, my knee hurts... and my lower back is also joining in the fun this morning, but it's just a matter of reminding myself that making an effort and overcoming a bit of discomfort is all part of putting the work in to rid myself of more horrid flab.

Let's keep with the positive mood today. Worth a bit of pain? Yep!

Addendum...

I've just lost the plot entirely, and been bad.

It was the sight of a pasty, warm from the oven, that did it. Yes, I'd already eaten my lunchtime orange and a bowl of muesli (with skimmed milk for gawd's sake) and only went to the canteen for a cup of tea. But there it was, all flaking pastry and golden.

It wasn't even that nice. Mea culpa!

Things can only get better

Can't they?

After a lovely weekend, it doesn't feel like a great start to the week. I've just realised that summer is officially over, today being the Autumn Equinox night and day are equally long, so from tomorrow we get more darkness than light. Wonderful. After such a washout summer, it feels like it could be a long winter.

And, it's Monday morning which is weighing morning. The bad news? The needle on my scales is sitting stubbornly at 76kg - not a hint of movement since last week, and this last one has been a 'good' week. After the great progress in recent weeks, a bit demotivating to say the least - oh pooh!

I'm also not feeling on top form. It was not the best of nights and my knee is quite swollen and uncomfortable (no actually, it hurts!) today. I think hubby was a bit surprised when he saw it as it doesn't usually get this bad. I can't straighten it properly and I should be starting my Chi Kung evening classes again tonight. I'm not sure how it'll react to that. Maybe I'd best get the damn thing checked over, but the next sensibly timed appointment is over a week away.

I couldn't face breakfast this morning so ended up eating a banana when I got to work. Not ideal, I know, and now I'm ravenous. Just had my apple and a couple of Ryvita but if a cow walks past me too slowly it may get gnawed.

I'm definitely having a 'poor me' day and all I really want to do is hibernate and 'treat' myself. Hmmm, methinks I'll really need to be on the ball to keep myself on track today.

I'm not giving up the day job

Last night I thought I'd do something I never ever do. Something that is an everyday, no big deal event to a lot of folk. What was I thinking? Why - I'd make a cake. To be precise, a birthday cake. Not just any old birthday cake, but one with no sugar and minimal fat - better for me (I can have a tiny slice, can't I?) and a surprise treat for my lovely hubby... or so I thought.

Just one of many things I hadn't factored into this equation - I'm absolutely crap at cake-making. No, I mean really, really crap. Abysmally crap, in fact. But hey, I'm filled with new-found optimism, or maybe I just have a selective memory or something, so I went ahead anyway.

Obstacle No. 1 - the recipe. Well, I looked on the web and didn't really find a sugar free cake recipe I liked the look of (or thought I could manage - hell, but some of them look intimidating!). So, I improvised a bit and, er, 'adapted' a recipe for a chocolate and almond cake to cook in a microwave. I'd thought to myself that microwaving must surely be easier than worrying whether I had the right oven temperature. Hmm, a tactical error, I think.

Obstacle No. 2 - shopping for the bits I needed. Sugar substitute (tick), low fat spread (tick), cocoa powder, unsweetened... oh, where the heck am I going to find that? Two stores down (loads of instant hot chocolate but no good old-fashioned cocoa) but the third actually has some (so... tick). Chocolate for the topping... ah, that rather blows the fat and sugar free idea, but what the hell. Rest of the stuff is fairly basic so I can get myself home and start.

Obstacle No. 3 - a cake tin. Or rather a cake 'not tin', indeed, not metal at all. This is a major obstacle. You forgot you were microwaving the thing stoopid! Time to improvise. Haven't got a circular flat dish so use the square vegetable bowl. OK, it's a bit deep, with sloping sides and the cake'll look like a pyramid with the top sliced off but that's modern... isn't it?

Whizzy, whizzy, let's get busy and I weigh, mix, pour and pop in the microwave for the specified four minutes. Not looking good - it's not cooked in the centre. In for a bit longer... sides are getting a bit overdone and the middle is still soggy. Zap for still longer (while crossing fingers and toes) and it finally looks sort of OK... ish, so out it comes. When I turn it out it's kind of dense... and not very thick. In fact the middle is rather less thick than the rest, with a noticeable dip. And it still looks a bit soggy in the middle to me - but I can't put it back in for yet more time!

Oh well, let it cool, decorate with that fat-free (er, much throat clearing and looking away) chocolate and decorate with a few almonds. It doesn't really look the way I hoped, but it is almost recognisable as a cake... in low light. I'd post a photo but I don't want you all to be jealous - tee hee.

Decide not to present it as a surprise on the big day, but show hubby when he gets in. If he wants to laugh, that's fine - after all, I'm having a great deal of difficulty keeping a straight face. He is really kind about it and doesn't roll on the floor. Neither of us are willing to try it yet though. We may try tonight. Then again, we may decide to go out and sink the neighbourhood ducks.

Oh Lordy, what a day!

Of all days for there to be bread pudding on offer! This is hard to resist and I'm struggling... a lot.

It's been one of those manic days, right from the word go - meetings, more meetings, so much going on that you just don't know whether you are coming or going, and everyone wants their 'urgent' stuff doing 'right now' if not sooner.

Of course, it's also got to be one of those days when I don't have the correct money to take to the canteen (just enough for a cup of tea is a good place to be), so the temptation to use just a little bit of the change from my fiver for a small(ish) slice of the beautiful, fruit-rich, buttery, sweet bread pud is almost unbearable. Add to this the fact that I missed morning break, had a shortened sit down/stand up/sit again lunch break and now this. Never mind Mondays, I've just gone off Tuesdays!

Thankfully, I have clipped a couple of bits from websites to try to keep me from yielding to temptation on days like this... something to remember.

From Sara Sara Gets Skinny!
... my obesity is a condition that there is no 'cure' for, but must be kept in check by constant, vigilant effort.

and from Jen Prior Fat Girl
The Weight Loss Secret...
... if you want to be healthy ("skinny") then you have to do the work.

OK, did I eat bread pudding? No, at least not this time around.

Teaching Grandma to suck eggs?

Not all weight loss advice is junk.

Yes quickly Googling 'weight loss' or 'diet' or similar can bring up a haze of absolute crap. But it isn't ALL biased towards a particular program, nor overworked, nor does it always just concentrate on the 'no more than 1000 calories a day, eliminate all fat, ban carbohydrates and eat only grapefruit for two weeks and you'll lose a stone' mantras. You may occasionally, just like me, stumble across a source of advice that is 99% common-sense based, healthy and actually very helpful.

I guess my point here is to say to all my fellow fatties - don't give up, but forget the quick-fix diets or pills or teas or hypnotism or all the rest of the crap. You've tried all that haven't you? Did it work, long-term (or just for a brief, forgettable period)? Are you still fatter than you want to be and less happy than you'd like to be? If the answers are 'yes', 'no' then 'yes' you sound a lot like me.

Well, there can be some genuinely good advice out there to assist you in making long-term, healthy changes to your 'lifestyle' - so concentrate on that first bit - yep, that's the 'life' bit. Maybe then, again like me, as hard as it is to put into practice, you'll begin to learn how to do something to help you build a better one. I've slowly made some progress in the last year or so (OK, I sometimes fall off the wagon, but I get back on again) and I really do think my life is changing, and it's a change for the better.

Take as an example the Calories per Hour website, which has plenty of sensible advice for all sorts of occasions. Hmmm, its main focus is on the American side of the pond, but good advice is good advice - wherever you find it.

Tips like:

This one from their 'December - The Final Stretch' newsletter. They suggest that you 'Create a Supportive Food Environment: Keep foods such as fruits, vegetables and whole grains in your kitchen, your desk at work, and wherever else you might feel hungry'. Good advice indeed - which I now follow to save my fat ass from trips to the vending machine at work.

And this, from their 'Winter Comfort Foods Made a Little Less Fattening' newsletter. They say 'Traditional comfort foods are usually synonymous with high calories and fattening ingredients. But if you learn how to swap a few lower calorie ingredients for the higher calorie ones, you can enjoy your rich, hearty, "feel good" comfort foods without having to settle for a winter weight gain.'
They then go on to suggest some sensible substitutions, and as you'll know if you've read other posts, this is a topic close to my heart!
'For instance, a homemade mac 'n cheese recipe can use reduced fat cheeses and a light margarine to create a smooth cheese sauce, topped off with toasted whole wheat bread crumbs. Meatballs can be made with low fat ground turkey, chicken or beef, and cornstarch can act as a gravy thickener rather than the traditional butter and flour roux.'

And for a reminder of the basics, the link to their 'Diet and Weight Loss Tips' is pretty darned sound. Can't argue with these.

So, seek out the good stuff and ditch the crap - in advisory websites as well as in your lifestyle choices. And that's quite enough from me for one day, trying to to teach Granny just how to suck an egg.

Worn out but satisfied

We've just had the weekend of the big barbecue - something I've been dreading. But... it actually went very well.

Lots of work, catering for around 35. Up early for shopping and first bits of prep on Saturday, plus all the usual weekend jobs like the weekly washing and ironing. Then Sunday, with the harder part - remainder of the prep and running up and down stairs a lot with food, plates, odds 'n bits, then the cooking, plating, serving and all the clearing up afterward. Some 'good' food choices to be had, but also lots of opportunity to be bad.

Firstly, avoid the wine and nibbles before we started. One hurdle cleared - good-oh.

Then the main part of the barbie - for the grilled meaty bits, chicken breast strips on skewers, given extra flavour by a lightish soy-honey-mustard marinade and mini-patties of lowish-fat minced lamb given some moisture with mint, spices, garlic and onions. New potatoes (but keep well away once they are covered in melted butter!) and a mixed salad on the side.

Oh dear, then oodles of delicious-looking home-made desserts to choose from, brought by a variety of folk who obviously do not watch their waistline, so most with sugar & fat overload!

The good news? Actually managed to eat sensibly (phew), aided by a timely bowl of fruit and yoghurt just before we started cooking. Drank water through the cooking period and only had a glass of wine when I could sit down to enjoy it. Come the desserts I chose fruit salad (and no, I didn't drink the sugary juice - can't see why fruit needs sugar myself, but there you go) and had only a thin little sliver of the custard tart, leaving the pastry (yes, really!).

I was very pleased with myself, and more so today when I got on the scales to find I'm down to 76kg! That's amazing - at 12 stone exactly it means that my target of 75kg (to be 11 stone something in five weeks time) is definitely on the cards.

Woof!

It is nice to know that after so many years of (mostly inadvertent) self-deception, I'm finally doing something right.

What's all this about? My midriff is a touch sore today - and I now know that it's just my half-forgotten abs reminding me they exist, and that I actually started working them again the day before yesterday. What's more important is that I know this to be a good thing.

In days past I'd have felt a wee bit of discomfort like this and thought 'oh no, this isn't good - I hurt so I must rest or I'll damage myself' and truly have believed I was right to think this way. Finally, heading for the big five-oh, I am aware that this reaction was absolute cobblers!

The first hint that this might be so came while reading "The Man who Broke out of the Bank and Walked Across France" by Miles Moreland. At one point in the book Miles' wife Guislaine, another woman for whom 'exercise' was a dirty word, discovered that pain wasn't always a bad thing, while they were travelling the breadth of France from coast to coast on foot.

So yesterday, and again this morning, sore abs notwithstanding, it was back to those crunches. Yes, it was difficult (especially the motivation bit) and yes, that particular area of me has got tired easily on both days, but I now understand that if I keep at it, steadily and without going too mad at first, it gets easier and I can do more. I know it will help me trim that waistline too - no overnight miracles, but bit-by-bit, over time.

I've also finally realised (and this is a BIG step for me) that doing my morning exercises, even when it's hard to raise any enthusiasm to begin them, affects my state of mind - positively. It isn't something to avoid at all costs, but actually something which helps keep me a more balanced, grown-up, mostly positive and less stressed person. I really need to keep reminding myself of this.

Who says old dogs can't learn new tricks?

Avoidance tactics

I want the cake.
No, I'm not having it.

I want the cake.
No, I'm not having it.

I want the cake.
No, I'm not having it.

OK, have a Ryvita and a glass of water. Still want the cake?
Actually, no.

Happy bunny.

The world didn't end today!

The much discussed CERN Large Hadron Collider switch-on has come and gone with none of the ooh, er, armageddon-type scary myths being fulfilled. Honestly, that's just not fair! It's completely ruined my great excuse for scoffing just one last bar of chocolate - best make do with an apple at break I guess.

On a more serious note, I'm still making progress, sure it's a little at a time, but still doing OK. I re-started the morning abs exercises today, doing these as well as my other stuff. Two out of three went well, actually better than I'd expected given the rather long break from them, the other one not so well as my knee wouldn't co-operate at all. I'll have to devise some sort of work around.

Oh, and that comfort food I mentioned - well, we had the mutton stew last night and I've got to report that I'm celebrating a great success, for me and for lovely hubby. It was delicious - not a huge surprise as hubby is a fabulous cook. The good bit is that we didn't serve it all and eat it - no, we are making it last for another meal tonight. A new attitude maybe? Smaller portions becoming a reality?

All in all I really do think my target is sensible and I am definitely committed to achieving it. It feels good to be back on track.

It's all gone pear-shaped! (only kidding)

Just an aside on a rainy afternoon... as doing this stops me going to the canteen and buying that scrumptious-looking Bakewell Tart.

I'll try to stop drooling long enough to type.

Though I've long suspected this, today I calculated my waist-to-hip ratio at A Healthy Me

The results?

Their calculator reported...
Your waist-to-hip ratio is 0.72

going on to say...
You're a "pear"
not a major surprise there - I know only too well where the flab resides and it sure is South of the border!

and then...
Congratulations! At this ratio (0.76 and below) you have the lowest risk of heart disease and diabetes.
so the fat lass begins to celebrate...

until the report also goes on to say...
Waist size alone can signal the danger of heart disease. Your waist is larger than 30 inches, which means your chances of getting coronary disease is double that of women with smaller waists (28 inches and under).

A whole five inches to go then, eh? No point getting all excited just yet. Oh well, better keep at the healthy eating and weight loss plan then.

Still on track

It's not going too badly at the moment and I'm beginning to feel more in control again. My target of 75kg by the time we go away (in just about six weeks) feels achieveable.

The food side is reasonably good although I need to start making my portions a bit smaller again. That said, the content is good, healthy and tasty stuff. Take last night, for example - a chicken breast cut into strips and marinated in ginger, garlic and a touch of oil, then grilled and served with a little pile of stir-fried vegetables, sprouting beans and a sprinkle of soy sauce. A big glass of water and a natural (goatmilk) yoghurt for dessert. Delicious! Lunch yesterday was two Ryvita, an orange, a handful of blueberries and a glass of water. I ate an apple at break, some goji berries as a snack (the taste is slowly growing on me) and had my toast and banana (with no spread) for breakfast. I actually said no to a glass of sherry last night too - even though I would quite have liked one.

The exercise is a bit variable - rowing is going well (up to 300 strokes now and planning on 350 by the weekend) but the exercises the physio gave me are not going great. I just need to keep reminding myself of the benefits... and of the consequences of not keeping up the routine! The walking is a bit hampered by the knee trouble, but I'm keeping at it, just limping a bit to begin with. The asthma is not wonderful at the moment and my peak flow is down to around 380 again - oh well, back to using the other inhaler and keep an eye on it.

The weight is still around 77kg but the needle on the scales is just hesitating slightly to one side of the mark - the correct side, that is - and I may get to 76.5kg by next week as long as I keep at it. My waist measurement has dropped a tad as well, to just below 33 inches. This is definitely a yippee!

And, saving the best to last, I'm wearing a new pair of trousers for work, which feels rather good. My old ones had been taken in several (!) times and were beginning to feel uncomfortable as the waistband had four small tucks (or whatever the dressmaking term is) at the front and two at the back - and they were very loose on the thigh. The new ones are fitting, but not tight to the point of embarrassment. I can sit down comfortably and bend and do everything I need to do. Oh yes, and they are a size 16 from one of the high street chains not known for generous sizing. I also have a new raincoat, as the weather here has been so consistently rainy, in a sort of military style with a belt at the waist! A belt? This would have been a complete no-no a year ago. I feel quite smart.

Weather blues and calculations

First the grumble... this soggy weather and the darkened skies are getting me down. Where did our summer go this year? It sure didn't come here. It's just sooooo depressing to look out at grey, grey, grey - and I'm royally fed up with getting wet. And now it's autumn, with winter fast approaching. Hard to keep one's thoughts away from comfort food.

It's not really the sort of temperature for a steaming casserole yet, too warm still, but that's what I'm dreaming about. Maybe a mutton stew with lots of carrots, or a beefy rich one with whole small shallots in a red wine gravy - even a herby chicken one with mushrooms, at a push.

For now, I'm still going for the lighter options but soon I'll have to think of ways to have my comfort, but healthily.

And the calculations part? Well, my trusty (more like rusty) calculator has been out of its drawer and set to work again in an attempt to keep my motivation going.

Thinking about a more accurate starting point, back in May 2007, I was probably in the region of 100kg (that's around 15 stone 10 lbs - my goodness that was fat!). For these calculations I'm going to assume that 100kg was my actual start point - by the time I was weighed at the surgery I was down to 96kg, but that was after 5 weeks of changed habits, and a noticeable loss in inches.

Taking my current weight, 77kg (a moderately pleasing 12 stone 2 lbs), I've lost 23kg or thereabouts. This means that when (note she says 'when', being positive, not 'if') I reach my October target of 75kg (in six weeks... and counting) I will have lost a quarter of my body weight... in flibbety-flobbety flab. What a fantastic thing that will be!

Even if I'm hard on myself, and take the doctor's 96kg as my start point, that'd still be over 22% of my body fat lost.

Oddly enough, one thing I have noticed recently though is that my body image (the way I see myself) fluctuates madly. Some days I feel as fat and lumpy as I ever was, despite the obviously smaller clothes, and on those days I can't shake that 'oh God, I look as dreadful as ever' feeling. Other days I feel pretty 'normal', like an average human not a blob of blubber. I haven't found a pattern yet, but there may be one I guess. Something to ponder on a wet weekend?

Temptation - grrrr!

Arrrgh! What is going on at the moment??

Let's get this straight. I'm really not being ungrateful (actually quite the opposite) but I think there must be a conspiracy going on to kick the fat lass back off the wagon. As you know, I've been finding things a bit of a struggle recently - and this makes things just a little bit harder.

On Monday I got home to a great big box of yummy looking Belgian chocolates - a 'thank you' present from a neighbour. Oh, the pain! It hurts me to say, but I've had to give them away as I couldn't cope with having them in the house, with them calling out "eat me, eat me - go on, just one".

Then on Tuesday I was given another beautifully wrapped box - this time a present of sweetmeats from Japan. This one will really pain me to give away (probably to my Mum though, which'll help) as I'd love to taste at least one of them. If they taste as appealing as they look, the packaging is just so delicate and beautiful, they'd be worth trying.

What's more, Tuesday turned into 'one of those days' at work and I got home in a very bad frame of mind, having lost my rag at work. A fancy choccy or a new Japanese sweetie would have been a wonderful thing to soothe my temper. I probably wouldn't have been able to stop at just one though, so... put temptation away from me.

Then we get to today. Another perfectly wrapped present had been left on my desk when I got in to work - again a 'thank you'. My heart sank for a moment, realised it was being ungrateful and then just hoped. Aha! Not food. The relief was amazing - hard to explain really. Even more so when this morning has brought a whole string of stresses and problems to deal with. If the present had been edible it would not have made it home tonight!

Some fragile tendrils of hope?

Let's begin September on a positive note.

Exercise...
The rowing is slowly getting easier and I'm gradually increasing my time. The other morning/daily exercises are not great but I'll keep at it and we'll see what happens. One in particular I am finding very hard - both to perform and to make myself do. Hubby could tell you exactly which it is! Walking is becoming more of a pleasure again and, while autumn hasn't quite arrived, I just need to get out each lunchtime to do bit more. Chi Kung will start again soon - that'll be another box ticked. This just leaves the gym to get back on track!

Food...
My eating patterns have been quite good, well better, over the last week or so and I will keep plugging away at making more rational choices. I'm still not really enjoying my healthy food as much as I was but at least my darling hubby's soups are helping. The stumbling block is lunch choices - they are still not really hitting the spot so I'm left unsatisfied (translate as 'hungry') and casting around for 'something nice'. Marmite helps but is rather high in salt... which leads to me drinking more water! Ho hum.

Health problems...
Hmmm, not fantastically good, but it could be a lot worse. I'm doing what I can to minimise the effects (keep telling myself its step-by-step, and in it for the long-haul), to make a little progress and very much trying not to let it get me down. This is definitely closely tied into the motivation side of things.

Motivation...
My attitude seems to have improved a bit and that slump of depression and negativity has loosened its grip a little. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and focused. It isn't easy but I am slowly getting back to a better outlook.

Weight...
Down a little - I was 78kg this morning and that is definitely the right direction to be heading. Celebrating the little things - yippee, progress!

Target...
To give myself something to focus on... by the week beginning 20th October (seven weeks away, just in time for an anniversary celebration) I plan to be unequivocally below 12 stone. That's an aim of 75 kg or, in English, somewhere in the region of 11 stone 11 lbs. I think, with a little help from the abs cruncher, that my waist measurement should also have dropped by about one inch by then.