Black Dog's still howling

Last night things got worse, a whole lot worse. We'd been given a box of chocolates a while ago and were just having one (or maybe two) of an evening, not every evening at that - being sensible and making them last. Until last night, that is.

Firstly there was the bottom layer - untouched, complete. And then there was the box - empty! Yes, we ate the lot.

Did I enjoy them? Well, no, not really. How did I feel afterwards? Appalled, guilty, overly full heading towards slightly sick, with a raging thirst and a sore mouth.

Oh boy, when I fall off the wagon I make a proper job of it. The only good thing is that they're gone - can't do it again!

Then there was the gym today. It didn't start at all well as, once I'd done my 5 minute warm-up, I got on the cross-trainer, set the resistance and incline then barely managed five minutes on it before I felt weak as a kitten and couldn't go on. Not a great confidence booster.

Hubby suggested I used the rower for some of my CV work instead. This was better but, even so, it was much harder than normal and I ended up dripping in sweat and feeling like a wet dishrag. I did persevere with the cardio stuff and got on the stepper, managing my fifteen minutes but my legs shook something awful when I got to the end.

In contrast, hubby was really pleased with how easily his CV work had gone - he'd found it a breeze today. I was really happy for him but this wasn't really a great moment for me to hear it. Just wanted to go home.

At that point I was close to tears (OK, in tears if I'm honest) but started the weights stuff anyway. I really didn't want to go on but I'm not good at failing. Thankfully, after a first (very hard) set on the chest press I got angry. In fact, cross out angry - I got furious.

Upped the weights on the next couple of stations and then reached the leg press. I've been doing my set at 150lbs (yes John, I know you said 100lbs but that is not enough of a challenge). Today I did it at 170lbs and was still angry. So I did another set at 190lbs - just to prove I could! I'll probably feel it tomorrow but what the hell.

Finished off the weights part and on to the core work - still pretty hyped up and tetchy. Did more than the usual and tried a couple of harder exercises too. Managed some (but not others) but had finally tired out my temper enough to do the stretches and head for the showers.

I need to get back on an even keel. Take a long look back at the house rules I set for myself last June, and stick with them. One of these was:

I'll try to remember not to kick myself too hard or for too long if (and when) I fall off the wagon. It won't be a total disaster - just have to get back up and start again.

I just cannot give up now - however hard it seems at the moment.