16 February 2012

Feeling blue

You know how absence from posting is usually a good indication that something just ain't right? Well, I'm no exception.

I'm still not properly over this blasted bug so still feel tired, run down and horrid, especially first thing in the morning and at night. Despite my optimism, the little blighter bided its time and hit me with a real wallop last Friday (wiped out the whole weekend), and I haven't felt up to much since. For nearly two weeks now I've done precious little of note in the way of exercise... except wheeze and cough!

Add to this that lovely hubby and I have both agreed we've been eating too much at home too. Ho hum, I've waited a while to get on the scales and see what the damage was because I just haven't felt up to knowing the true picture.

I felt capable this morning and it is not pretty. I've gained five pounds in the last couple of weeks... and it seems as though I can feel every ounce of them. This is part of my being 'down', but there's been a welter of other stuff feeding my mood too.

Saw a delivery of flowers arrive for a colleague on Monday and whilst it made me smile to see her face, it also made me feel sad as it reminded me what the day was. It's not that I'm against Valentine's day for any reason to do with romance. Indeed, good luck to lovers everywhere and I hope everyone had a very special day.

But 14th Feb happens to be the date on which I lost my darling, very much loved and very much missed, Dad. On this day, many years ago, he took his own life, after a long and painful illness with absolutely no chance of recovery and precious little to relieve his suffering. Somehow, after that I've never felt inclined to celebrate this date.

It's now been some thirty years since it happened but it still saddens and hurts me, some years more than others. Don't misunderstand me, please - I've never blamed him for a second for ending things. On the contrary, if I were ever to find myself facing similar circumstances I would just hope I'd have his bravery. I just miss him such a lot even now, and so often wish I could share something which happened during the day with him still.

I'm sad for another reason too. A childhood friend, just a year older than me, has been given only a few days left on this earth, if she's able to hang in there that long. She's been very, very ill with cancer for a while, but her chances faded despite all best efforts of her medical team, and she just cannot carry on much longer. She'll leave a family of three boys and her devoted husband in pieces, and her mother who cannot understand why her beloved daughter has to go first. We were never particularly close after we grew up and I moved away, and we lost touch for too many years, but she is a lovely lady who reminds me of happy memories and times gone by.

To add another layer (as if it's needed, huh) I spoke to another friend last night who has just been informed she is losing her job. This is the second time in just over a year. She's on her own, in her sixties and will struggle to pay the bills. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.

I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade - I'm just feeling down and miserable and not really able to see anything much good in this week (it's been a toughie at work too). I have to say that this has been reflected in what I've eaten... and I'm still craving stodge.

Ah well, I'll pick myself up and crack on with shifting the weight. I'm hoping some positive things will find a chink in my blue armour and shine through. I'll at least try to look for them. Here's to a better tomorrow.


Floriana said...

Sorry to hear you've been feeling blue, Deniz. Some days and weeks are just sad. So, so sad. Not much I can say to make you feel better, but I do want to send you big hugs. Fortunately, life goes on, better days will come, hopefully very soon. Hang in there.

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