A bit of a do

In the new world order (or 'fat lass world'), there should be a large sign prominently suspended above every leaving do/birthday/celebration buffet, proclaiming 'Approach with Extreme Caution!'. Even better, like the universally recognised chemical hazard symbols, a nice little peel-off sticker which could be affixed carefully, but attractively, to the edge of every platter. Something like this...

At the very least there should be a new EU regulation introduced to define the allowable contents of said buffets (after all they seem to define every other damned thing!). It should, perhaps, read as follows...

Celebratory Buffet Directive 09/453/EEC

Directive 2009/453/EEC of the European Parliament and of the Council of 29 August 2009 on the right of citizens of the Union to acceptable Celebratory Buffets, amending Regulation (EEC) No 1601/69 and repealing Directives 69/541/EEC, 69/360/EEC, 70/194/EEC, 73/158/EEC, 75/44/EEC, 75/55/EEC, 90/304/EEC, 90/305/EEC and 93/46/EEC.

Celebratory buffets for the use of greater than four employees to contain freshly cut crunchy vegetable crudites with healthy dips, fresh fruit, low-fat yoghurts and baked crisps/tortilla chips. Fruit juices, diet sodas, still and fizzy water to be made available at all times.

Banned items (savoury) include, but are not limited to, cheesy but strangely pale quiche wedges, fatty and overly pink pork pie halves, floppy white-bread sandwiches filled with mayonnaise-laced, unidentifiable 'stuff' and deep-fried nibbles filled with reconstituted prawn/chicken/catfood, particularly in relation to those served with unnaturally coloured dipping sauces.

Banned items (sweet) include, but are not limited to, 'shoe'-pastry 'chocolate' eclairs filled with white goo, supermarket own brand sugar-fest fizzy drinks, non-dairy cheesecake topped with brighly coloured faux-fruit gel.

You may, by now, have gathered that the fat lass was invited to a leaving do at work this lunchtime. The astute amongst you may also have gathered that the fat lass was, as usual, unimpressed by the quality of the food available! Yeah, yeah, I know... it's a 'free' lunch.

But it isn't, is it! Every piece of the junk you a) load onto your plate and b) consume comes with a big fat price tag. And 'fat' is precisely the word I mean to use in this context.

So, a heartfelt plea to all out there charged with arranging these functions. Please, please, please don't buy the pre-prepared crap, chock-full of E numbers, that you wouldn't normally feed even to your dog. With only a little thought, it would be so much cheaper, prettier, healthier and tastier to buy a few fresh ingredients and ditch the junk!