03 September 2009

Connections and associations

I think I may carry the same DNA as Pavlov's dogs!

Today is a funny old day. Summer has apparently given in to autumn... overnight, it seems. Coincidence or no, I have the first irritating symptoms of a cold - not much, as yet, just a few sniffles and a pounding headache. So, I got up this morning feeling less than enthusiastic or great.

Because I was quite chilly, I put on an old sweater - one which I used to wear in my fattest days to mask the belly. It's pretty big on me now (actually it sort of dwarfs me) but it is warm and, with a burnt orangey colour, it's pretty cheerful. Mistake... big mistake!

For one thing, I feel like the old fat lass wearing it! Almost as though the hands on the clock have turned back and I'm right back where I was two years ago, feeling dumpy and miserable. The logical part of me knows this is nonsense... but the emotions? Hmmm, they just can't seem to catch up.

The second problem is that it seems to act as a trigger for some of the old (bad) behaviour. I popped into the local supermarket on my way to work for some fruit. I was feeling a bit dazed and grotty at that point, but sort of 'woke up'... dead in front of the chocolate biscuits! What is going on here, huh? Thankfully, I realised what I was about to do, took the biscuits back out of my basket and headed for the fresh produce... pretty damned sharpish!

It may be, as Sara discusses in her post today, that being off balance in some way (emotionally or physically) is the cause of this sort of aberrant behaviour. But... it could be the associations that come as a package with wearing some of my old 'fat clothes'.

All I'm sure of is that I will not be wearing this tomorrow!


The Crazy Woman Inside Me said...

I can relate to what happened because I’ve experienced the same sort of feelings when slipping into my old too-big sweater, Deniz. It’s like slipping right back into my old fat self and it’s not a sensation I enjoy in the least.

Congratulations to you for passing up those chocolate cookies! I’m sure that wasn’t an easy thing for you to do at that time, so I hope you’re proud of yourself.

I think it may be time for you to donate that old sweater. ;-)


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