14 May 2009

Random thoughts

The rowing is going pretty well, even if I'm not quite at the stage where I'm bouncing out of bed in the morning in my enthusiasm to get at it. It's hard, sometimes, when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m.! I've built up to 250 strokes (by yesterday) and it's been no real problem - even the breathing isn't bad. The thigh muscles tell me I'm working but the knee seems quite happy, so far, as does the back. With luck, I should be up to 300 by the end of this week. Then next week... maybe back to my old 350 strokes a day? I just need to keep it up and not give in to that temptation to just have five more minutes in bed.

Speaking of temptation, my weight has gone up and I'm not happy with myself because it's all my own fault. We had a lovely weekend and finally had our picnic (in fact, two picnics), but I overate and my choices could have been a lot better. There seems to be a pattern here, not just over the weekend, and I'm obviously not keeping to a sensible limit for calorie intake. I've been deluding myself when I 'think' I'm being fairly good, but really letting a few too many 'little treats' creep back into my days. That's got to stop!

A different topic but just as important, if not more so, is that the support you get from your loved ones is wonderful thing, isn't it. I think I am one really, really lucky fat lass. It may sound trite, but I can't believe how different things are now I have my lovely hubby. He's never made me feel guilty about being fat, always thought I was beautiful (he is short sighted though, tee hee) and does so much to help me. Not wanting to criticise my ex, but my previous experience was not like this at all. Likewise my mum and sister are real friends - and I'd choose them for my friends even if they weren't my family.

Someone I know asked me why I still call myself the fat lass when I've lost about a third of my original body weight and look (in her words, not mine) so slim. Put me on the spot a bit to be honest. Hmmm, good question, I thought, so how to answer it?

Well to begin with, to me, that's what I still am - a fat lass.

No two ways around it, I'm definitely not a skinny minnie. OK, I'm no longer very obese (thanks be!). I'm no longer 'merely', if one can say that, obese. I'm no longer even at the high end of the overweight band. All that is well and good, and I'm very proud that I can say it. But, with a BMI over 25, I am still firmly in the 'overweight' category. What's more, I really don't want to stay where I am at the moment.

So, as to calling myself 'fat lass', I guess when I look in a mirror I see the remaining flubbery bits. Hmmmm, that blobby belly, those podgy knees and the bat-wing upper arms are what my eyes rest on. While, yes, the reflection looks a whole lot better than it used to, there is still a long way to go before I could feel content. People who know me probably focus on the 'before and after' difference and may not realise that there is still mileage in my journey, or understand how important it is that I don't just rest on my laurels.

Then there's that fear factor. The fear that if I let myself start to believe I look anywhere near normal, I'll lose the focus and the drive to keep making changes and sustain the good things I have managed to achieve. And, as posts over the last few months will confirm, keeping up the motivation is something I've been struggling with.

Even worse, I may slip back into the really bad old ways and gain weight (er, see above), a lot of weight, in the way I've gained whilst being in total denial so many times in the past. Oh God, the lose/gain cycle of those endless quick fix diets! That's especially pertinent at the moment as things are a wee bit stressful and are likely to remain that way for some time yet. In the past, my response to stress has been to eat and gain weight!

On a happier note, I love this time of year. Why? Well, we are heading into summer when the first lovely fresh fruits from local sources start to come into season. I've been munching Spanish strawberries but soon the English ones will arrive (assuming we have some more sunshine). Call me biased if you will, but they are simply the best - smaller they may be, but the flavour is fantastic. Lovely fresh salads also become much more appealing, and being out and about in sunshine makes me more likely to be active. I'm even considering buying a bathing costume for this summer (even if this does mean showing off my fat bits) - beached whales 'r us?

And another thing to look forward to - I'm meeting a dear friend tonight who I haven't seen in a long time. We sort of lost touch, then caught up with one another again via the wondrous world-wide web just before Christmas. Tonight we get to catch up for real and I'm so looking forward to seeing her in just a few hours time.


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