Happy, happy, happy!

The fat lass has made it to 400 strokes a day on the rower!

Not that I'm happy, or anything. But I did it this morning and it felt fine... well, sort of hot, sweaty and not exactly easy, but OK. Alright, this may not be a huge deal for those fitness freaks out there, but for me - it's progress and I'm delighted.

Now, let me get the eating side of things back under tight control again and the lbs should (please?) start to move again.

There may be troubles ahead...

...but while there's music and and moonlight, and love and romance, let's face the music and dance!

A great sentiment to hold on to, to remind me that although things are not looking rosy for the forthcoming weeks/months, there are still good things out there. What's more, it is not only possible to pop on your dancing shoes and celebrate them, but OK (in fact, rather helpful) to do that. So, to the plan - I'm going to get a grip right now and start handling the emotional crud before my equanimity all goes south.

Why the angst? Well I'm really worried about my mum.

A lovely happy weekend visit morphed into two pretty frightening days, with a worrying wait for a doctor followed by a trip to the local hospital. Although lovely hubby was fantastic and could not have been more wonderfully supportive, the episode has left us in a 'watch this space' state again where results, of course, may take a while to filter through. We are still waiting for her scan results too. Maybe by Monday we'll know more? Hope so, then perhaps some of the scary 'nebulous' part of the worry can be laid to rest and we can move on to practicalities.

It has been quite a struggle today to maintain my focus on work matters, especially given the pile of 'problems' and mammoth 'to do' list which awaited my return, but (mostly) I've done it. I've kept my patience and my temper (hmmm, not been easy, but...) and I haven't hit the chocolate. What's more, I don't plan to start!

Some of the 'problems' are resolved, albeit with some of them addressed by making the decision that they are not 'mine' to worry over. The 'to do' list is still there, and I daresay things will eventually get done, but I am not going to allow it to overwhelm me or get too stressed about it. It was a bad night for sleeplessness last night so I gave the rower a miss this morning. But let's hope tonight will be better. I will be on the rower tomorrow, even if I can only manage a few strokes.

I'll think about my food strategy, keep my healthy snacks to hand, and I will not put on pounds through comfort eating. Oh yes, that reminds me. The scales tell me I am 69.5kg today - not too bad for a long weekend away.

Progress

What a beautiful word that is. I've made progress - sounds good, doesn't it?

I'm back to 350 strokes with the rowing and the needle on the scales has slid quietly to the left of that 70kg mark. Happiness abounds.

Keep at it fat lass!

Row, row, row...

A strange thing happened today. I don't know if it because I've had quite a break from the rower, but when I was on it this morning I happened to glance down and realised, with amazement, that my knees now come a lot closer to my chin than I remembered. That balloon of flab, the bulging belly, which used to prevent this is nowhere near as big. OK, it hasn't disappeared but...

I suppose that, as I've said before, quite a lot of the time I still see myself as the fattie I was when I started. Logic tells me otherwise but my head hasn't quite managed that fundamental change in attitude. It came as a real surprise to me to 'notice' my smaller belly, and it got me thinking. I've also managed to slide back into the rowing, and built up my number of strokes, rather faster than I'd anticipated. Hence, the thought came to me that I must really 'be' fitter than I was before, even though I've been feeling like a slob again.

Although I'm not finding my morning stints on the rower particularly easy, as I get rather warm, (well to be honest, sweaty) somewhat out of breath and knackered, I am enjoying it again. I get onto the thing, sometimes rather grudgingly it has to be said, at 5.15 a.m. with half-closed sleepy eyelids, But then, 300 strokes later, I hop off again feeling wide awake and quite happy to carry on and do the physio stuff. I'm even considering dragging the abs cruncher out of hibernation in it's unremembered corner.

I'd completely forgotten that good feeling which comes from doing something to get the blood circulating. It's a really positive way to start the day. The walk into work is more fun somehow as well. I hope some of that positive feeling feeds into how I handle my job. You never know, maybe it does.

Yes, I still get stressed and I probably always will. And yes, I still sometimes turn to food as a sop to that. These days though it's not so likely to be the really bad stuff (crisps and chocolate... in quantity) but more likely the 'healthier' snacks I have to hand. That in itself is real progress.

I've been kicking myself and moaning about my prolonged stay at around the 70kg mark. Maybe I ought to give a little more credit to the good I have achieved and, who knows, perhaps that will spur me on to getting more love per square inch!

The good and the bad

The good stuff first - back on the rower again this morning after a three-day break because of the tummy bug. It wasn't fast, and I was knackered when I'd finished, but I did 300 strokes which I'm really happy about. Also got back to the physio exercises again. You've probably worked out that I feel a whole lot better.

That bug (pounding headache, frequent visits to the loo and generally feeling grotty) was not much fun at all on Friday so I went to bed as soon as I got home from work and slept right though. I was slightly better on Saturday so I could eat a little bit during the day (dry bread seemed sensible!) and the fun only lasted until Saturday night, thank goodness. I made it to our concert after all, despite still feeling a bit wobbly.

The bad stuff? Well, it's not really bad, more disappointing. Despite a few days of minimal to no food whatsoever, I haven't lost an ounce. I'm still sitting at 70kg. You'd have expected some difference after that suffering, wouldn't you? Not fair!

Nil desperandum. Back to fresh fruit and good, healthy eating today and see where we go from here.

Poor me

Ah, poor fat lass. - that is how I'm feeling this morning.

Met up with my friend last night, which was great, and went for a meal. Ate veggie food (probably too much of it) which was OK, but didn't set the world on fire, but then suffered with dreadful indigestion all night. Rennies are wonderful things!

This morning things are, if anything, even worse as something has obviously not agreed with me. The rower was out of the question, I'm dog-tired from lack of sleep and think I should take out shares in loo paper at this rate. The Rennies are still my best friends.

Lovely hubby tried to persuade me I should eat 'something' before leaving for work... and seemed surprised when I shuddered. Even herbal tea is a bit much this morning.

Still, things can only improve... can't they?

Random thoughts

The rowing is going pretty well, even if I'm not quite at the stage where I'm bouncing out of bed in the morning in my enthusiasm to get at it. It's hard, sometimes, when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m.! I've built up to 250 strokes (by yesterday) and it's been no real problem - even the breathing isn't bad. The thigh muscles tell me I'm working but the knee seems quite happy, so far, as does the back. With luck, I should be up to 300 by the end of this week. Then next week... maybe back to my old 350 strokes a day? I just need to keep it up and not give in to that temptation to just have five more minutes in bed.

Speaking of temptation, my weight has gone up and I'm not happy with myself because it's all my own fault. We had a lovely weekend and finally had our picnic (in fact, two picnics), but I overate and my choices could have been a lot better. There seems to be a pattern here, not just over the weekend, and I'm obviously not keeping to a sensible limit for calorie intake. I've been deluding myself when I 'think' I'm being fairly good, but really letting a few too many 'little treats' creep back into my days. That's got to stop!

A different topic but just as important, if not more so, is that the support you get from your loved ones is wonderful thing, isn't it. I think I am one really, really lucky fat lass. It may sound trite, but I can't believe how different things are now I have my lovely hubby. He's never made me feel guilty about being fat, always thought I was beautiful (he is short sighted though, tee hee) and does so much to help me. Not wanting to criticise my ex, but my previous experience was not like this at all. Likewise my mum and sister are real friends - and I'd choose them for my friends even if they weren't my family.

Someone I know asked me why I still call myself the fat lass when I've lost about a third of my original body weight and look (in her words, not mine) so slim. Put me on the spot a bit to be honest. Hmmm, good question, I thought, so how to answer it?

Well to begin with, to me, that's what I still am - a fat lass.

No two ways around it, I'm definitely not a skinny minnie. OK, I'm no longer very obese (thanks be!). I'm no longer 'merely', if one can say that, obese. I'm no longer even at the high end of the overweight band. All that is well and good, and I'm very proud that I can say it. But, with a BMI over 25, I am still firmly in the 'overweight' category. What's more, I really don't want to stay where I am at the moment.

So, as to calling myself 'fat lass', I guess when I look in a mirror I see the remaining flubbery bits. Hmmmm, that blobby belly, those podgy knees and the bat-wing upper arms are what my eyes rest on. While, yes, the reflection looks a whole lot better than it used to, there is still a long way to go before I could feel content. People who know me probably focus on the 'before and after' difference and may not realise that there is still mileage in my journey, or understand how important it is that I don't just rest on my laurels.

Then there's that fear factor. The fear that if I let myself start to believe I look anywhere near normal, I'll lose the focus and the drive to keep making changes and sustain the good things I have managed to achieve. And, as posts over the last few months will confirm, keeping up the motivation is something I've been struggling with.

Even worse, I may slip back into the really bad old ways and gain weight (er, see above), a lot of weight, in the way I've gained whilst being in total denial so many times in the past. Oh God, the lose/gain cycle of those endless quick fix diets! That's especially pertinent at the moment as things are a wee bit stressful and are likely to remain that way for some time yet. In the past, my response to stress has been to eat and gain weight!

On a happier note, I love this time of year. Why? Well, we are heading into summer when the first lovely fresh fruits from local sources start to come into season. I've been munching Spanish strawberries but soon the English ones will arrive (assuming we have some more sunshine). Call me biased if you will, but they are simply the best - smaller they may be, but the flavour is fantastic. Lovely fresh salads also become much more appealing, and being out and about in sunshine makes me more likely to be active. I'm even considering buying a bathing costume for this summer (even if this does mean showing off my fat bits) - beached whales 'r us?

And another thing to look forward to - I'm meeting a dear friend tonight who I haven't seen in a long time. We sort of lost touch, then caught up with one another again via the wondrous world-wide web just before Christmas. Tonight we get to catch up for real and I'm so looking forward to seeing her in just a few hours time.

One small step for woman...

Well, I've finally got round to putting my money where my mouth is.

Yippee! I got back on the rower this morning and was really quite pleased with how things went too. I'm deliberately taking it gently to begin with but did 200 strokes at a reasonable stroke rate in just over eight minutes and felt like I could have carried on without too much effort. But... and this is a big familiar sort of but... take it gently, girl. You don't want to do your usual silly thing. That's making the world record attempt on day one, getting knackered and disillusioned and giving up by day three - not that I've been there before and have the tee-shirt or anything!

I also got back to doing my (essential!) physio exercises, which I've rather neglected recently. I really need to focus and continue these if I want to stay out of the clutches of the physios... or worse, the surgeon. Again, these went well, so I'm really hoping this good beginning will kick-start me into better behaviour.

What I want to boot myself into includes:
a) taking better care of the physical aspects of my life
b) working up towards a return to the gym
c) thinking much more carefully about food choices and portions
d) shedding some of these remaining pounds and toning up the flubber
e) hitting the big five oh in better shape than I am now
and...
f) not being overweight any longer!

Building on my positive start by a decidedly brisk walk on my way to work (let's keep that blood circulating, fat lass), I stopped off on the way for a quick visit to the supermarket. I now have a beautiful and healthy fruit bowl again, some berries and healthy nibbles for snack attacks and some new herbal tea to try. It's liquorice Yogi Tea which smells really tantalising and spicily delicious.

As soon as I got in, I filled my big (1.5 litre) desk water bottle and drank half a litre straight away then refilled my bottle. The plan is to drink this and refill it at least once today.

As good old Nike would say... Just do it!

Bargain of the decade

I am a very, very happy (if rather stunned) bunny. Yesterday, I walked into town during my lunch break to get something for my lovely hubby and, as is my wont, decided to have a wee look at the bits 'n bobs in the local charity shop on my way past.

I tried on a couple of things (no joy), then a beautiful creamy coloured 'small' size Orvis linen dress caught my attention so I tried that on too. On the spot, especially after looking at the price ticket, I decided it was coming home with me as it fitted perfectly and looked great. The thrill of being able to even consider trying on a 'small' sized dress, even if that is an American size, is a very definite lift to the old spirits. That cannot be denied.

Things got better though. I spotted a pair of brand new shoes on my way to the till. My size, elegant brown leather shoes with a slight heel, and they don't appear to have ever been worn. And on a shelf above them was a matching brown leather handbag. I even picked up a decorative beaded belt for the dress too - not that it really needs one, but it was pretty. None of these things cost me very much at all and everything appeared barely, if ever, worn - what a good feeling. Wow, something like this does not happen every day.

When I got home last night I modelled the outfit for lovely hubby and he thought it was very nice too. Just right for a concert we are going to at a nearby cathedral next weekend. We decided to look for my dress on the Orvis website, just out of curiosity, and they still sell this range... and for rather more than my complete outfit cost me. In fact, for considerably more than four times what the outfit (and that's everything) cost in total. That dress alone is priced at £105! Good grief, it really must have been my lucky day!

Oh, what's that? How's the weight loss and more exercise going? Er, actually, aside from the walking, there's not been much change. My food intake is still pretty sensible so the weight is fairly constant, just up and down a pound or so, which is good news. But, despite my brave words, I'm still being a bit of a slob and failing to find the time and enthusiasm to convert that burst of (written) motivation into reality. C'est la vie!