Absent...

... and without so much as a note from my mum!

For the next couple of weeks, the fat lass will be sporting designer shades and sunning herself on a yacht moored just off the Côte d'Azur.... a tall, cool, pool-side campari and soda in hand and one high-heeled, strappy gold sandal dangling nochalantly from her perfectly manicured toes.

OK, the reality is marginally less 'rock star' and just a tad more prosaic, but I will be away for a well deserved break and having lots of fun... in hiking boots!

Goals:
I will...

• be mindful of the food I choose, but not be too restrictive
• walk as much as possible
• set aside a little chunk of time each morning for physio exercises
• relax my mind and think positive thoughts
• share time, love and happiness with my lovely hubby
  

If I gain a couple of pounds (or kilos!) I'll sigh, accept it and get busy and focused to take them off again on my return.

A very positive weekend

Yippee! The fat lass seems to have her house back in order. Long may it last.

Planned and prepared a three course home-cooked celebration meal for lovely hubby on Saturday night (a tad early for our anniversary but I won't be able to do it while we are away). Although it was to be a major treat, I figured out (ahead of time) as many ways as possible to keep the fats, salt, sugar and calories lowish while getting some good healthy fresh stuff in there.

For those of you who'd like all the gory details it was seared scallops with smoked chilli 'cream' to start, home-made seafood paella for the main course, and a nice light raspberry juice and white wine jelly for dessert, again made from scratch. I bought a couple of pretty tall glasses from a charity shop to serve this in and am very, very proud of myself over this bit, which looked beautiful.

Whilst it didn't end up as an entirely non-indulgent meal (seafood = cholesterol, amongst other 'confessions'), what a wonderful boon the 'alternative' products on offer in the supermarket are for us 'health' or 'waistline' minded folks! Never mind a heavy, fat-filled, buttery, cream-based sauce for the scallops or to make the topping for the jelly - I could make something which looked sinfully indulgent but was actually pretty healthy and still tasted great.

All in all, I used just a fraction of the butter/olive oil my recipes suggested (a small rant coming up - who the heck writes those things? You do NOT need 4 fluid ounces of olive oil to cook a paella for heaven's sake!). I made good use of Splenda instead of sugar (adding some rosewater for a really decadent flavour), cut down (or out) as much salt as humanly possible (adding garlic or lime zest where needed for extra flavour), and went for fat-free fromage frais instead of double cream (OK, it's actually only 'virtually' fat-free but you get the point).

Knowing we'd be indulging in larger than normal portions in the evening (and including a bottle of bubbly into the equation!) I ate very sparingly during the day on Saturday and walked as much as possible... going in and out of town four times instead of just once, to do my shopping in little bits. Then, having indulged on Saturday night, I kept things very light yesterday and we walked for about two or three hours again. I had the ubiquitous washing and ironing to do too, so listened to music and danced around while I did it. It becomes, rather surprisingly, quite fun when you do it to a great beat. Just as well the neighbours can't hear me singing though!

All this activity means that there has been no increase in weight over the weekend, depsite the treat, and the scales have settled down happily onto the 65kg mark. That's a nice feeling and seems like a good point to get to before we set off on our holiday. Lovely hubby says I've developed hip-bones and that the belly is looking a bit smaller too (though I can't see a decrease) which is a nice thing to hear. It'll be interesting to see where I am when we get back.

It's Salsacise tonight again, and I plan another walk in my lunch break. I've brought in a nice healthy bean salad and 'light' cottage cheese to munch sometime today, alopng with my usual fruit, and it'll be 'whatever veg is left in the fridge' soup tonight (and tomorrow, probably).

A bit stronger... and working on it!

Well, I can't quite report a complete mental overhaul... yet, but some progress has been made and there's at least a glimmer of light on the horizon. Phew.

Exercise is still not going fantastically well, but I am making a bit more effort and have hit the road in my lunch breaks to walk, walk, walk away those blues. When no-one is looking I've been practising my salsa moves too [grin]. I am looking forward to doing a lot of walking while we are away on holiday and both lovely hubby and I vow to hit the gym regularly on our return.

I'm beginning to feel more like 'me' again. To be honest, I was quite scared I was losing it again and I'd start putting back the lbs I've worked so hard to shed. I really do not want that to happen - ever again! But, I seem to have got the worst of that awful 'want it - eat it' period under my control, thank heavens, so feel I'm slowly getting back on track. Support from those of you who know firsthand about these periods of struggling has been invaluable. Thanks guys!

Hmmm, I wonder if fighting the bug has been part of my problem. Just in case, I'm working on getting all the vitamins I can from fruit and veggies and going for 'good' oils and sources of protein (especially from fish) where I can. I'm writing this with a bowl of apples, grapes and satsumas by my side.

The little bit of motivation I've managed to muster is having a positive effect and the needle on my scales has dipped below the 66kg and is hovering just a teensy bit above the 65kg mark. This puts me at somewhere around 10 stone 4 lbs and a wee bit closer to breaking my next big barrier. That, of course, is to drop down to 9 stone something and I am quite certain I can do it in time. The key is to get myself moving and keep at it!

Diane (Fit to the Finish) recently wrote about a moment which had her waking her husband early in the morning to celebrate reaching a long dreamed of target. I think breaking this next barrier could just be one of those moments for me.

Stuck in the doldrums

That goes pretty much equally for mood, attitude, motivation, food choices, exercise and... of course... the weight!

Hmmm, my last post about my experiences at the surgery wasn't all that positive, was it. Funny, you wouldn't think one small episode (and hardly a very important one in the great scheme of things) could shift my attitude to so far down in the dumps that I am fighting a constant uphilll battle to get out again... but it seems to have done just that.

So, about a week on from the last time I wrote anything at all I'm not happy to say I'm still struggling - a lot. Although I have been trying to kick myself in the pants (not easy, I find you need to be a contortionist!) and get back to doing my best, the results have been a bit mixed to say the least.

My mood has vacillated between one stinking swamp and another, with just brief moments of the positive 'me' in there somewhere. Seems like I just about manage to haul myself out of one morass and clean up my act when along comes another thing, usually fairly minor, to tip me back into another patch of muddy, sticky, mental quicksand.

Exercise has been a similarly fluctuating story. I'm loving the salsacise class (last night was a lot of fun), but that gotcha blood-circulating 'high' isn't staying with me and I haven't been anywhere near the gym - no matter how many times I've planned it. Thank goodness I'm still walking, albeit a little reluctantly, but the rowing has completely slipped. I'm doing my 'clams' but not the other physio stuff I should be.

What the heck is wrong with me? Aside from being a real moaning minnie, that is.

It's no excuse but I'm almost always tired lately (really think I need our fast-approaching holiday!) and I seem to be fighting a slight cold. Not enough to say I feel ill, but mildly headachy and a little bit sniffy - enough to describe myself as feeling under the weather. Shame it hasn't put me off my food.

In fact, rather unusually for me, I'm feeling hungry (make that ravenous) an awful lot of the time and my standby of fresh fruit isn't satisfying me like it normally does. Hide those carbs, there's a starving fat lass about! As hard as I work at being good on the food front, along keeps coming another 'little treat' to trip me up. Whoa - where did my willpower go? If anyone has seen it, please send it on home.

Let's get positive

It's such a relief to be able to vent my feelings here. But a warning - anyone of a delicate disposition, navigate away now. The fat lass is going to rant.

It has been a trying day, up to now. Mother Nature has returned to haunt me (after rather a long absence), bless her, and the grumps have arrived in force along with the cramps. In fact, they showed up yesterday but I didn't cotton on. Little things I usually let sail by I've snapped at. Irritations which normally just, er, irritate me have sent me into a none too pretty temper tantrum. Put it down to the hormones.

Hmmm, as that subject has come up... with the way all things 'female' have been going over the last six to eight months, I went to visit my doctor earlier in the week about planning for the menopause. I'm sorry to say I was decidedly unimpressed.

I asked the doctor what to expect. Huh! I know no more now than I did beforehand. Ifs, buts and maybes were all I managed to walk away with. Seriously, every woman in the world goes through this - is it that woolly a subject?

I asked about HRT. Huh! I endured a semi-lecture about the increased risks of this and that, but concentrating on heart disease, stroke and DVT. I know it's important but c'mon, surely the increased risk of these when I was so overweight should have triggered this pep talk, not the vague prospect of maybe, possibly considering HRT?

So is the start of the menopause what's actually going on with my body? Huh! I still don't know, since the doc couldn't say, and only a blood test will confirm it.

So have I had said blood test? Like hell I have - the doc (and I quote) 'can't' do it and I have to make another appointment for a smidge-idgen of my blood to be sucked out by the 'qualified' nurse/phlebotomist. So doctors aren't qualified, eh? Why do they spend all those years as students?

Oh yes, another thing - I can only have this blood test in the morning (of course, I went to see the doc in the afternoon!), which means taking more time off work. Is it just me, or is this crazy? I've been growling ever since.

You may have noticed that I've been doing exactly the wrong thing and dwelling on all this. A tip to remember - this does not help. Not one bit.

After reacting poorly to a particularly stoopid incident this morning I went out for a bad tempered stomp at lunch. Actually, that was a good move and it served me well. My mood lightened sufficiently to recognise that I was behaving like a spoilt brat. Worse, I was in serious danger of losing my head to a bad food choice (anything at hand... and lots of it!) and then my black dog would have descended on me without a doubt.

"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself" - Thomas Mann

OK then, time for a shift in today's version of 'reality'. The sky may be grey and tearful, but the fat lass is NOT going to be. There are good things to think about so that's what I'm going to concentrate on.

What's more, snce a good walk in the rain and fresh air helped earlier, learn the lesson and do it again after work. The worst that can happen is I get wet. So what! The best WILL happen and that includes getting a little more exercise, building up some positives and taking a different 'me' home.