Why?

With a startling record of lack of progress on the weight loss front these days, that's the question I've been asking myself, pretty much daily. Why?

It generally goes something like this:

• Why do I seem to sabotage myself every step of the way?
• Why do I get cracking on the exercise then let good intentions and progress slip away?
• Why do I eat more than I know I should (even if it's 'healthy' stuff)?
• Why, after all this time, am I finding this so darned hard?
• Why can't I seem to get focus back on this process and DO it?

...and a whole load of similar 'whys'!

That confounded internal critic (you know, that sneaky little blighter who takes up residence in your head and drops in snidey comments in low moments) usually pipes up with the simple answer - 'because you are rubbish'. My logical mind knows this is entirely accurate but...

Yes, I've got a lot of 'stuff' going on right now, and a whole load of uncertainties (never a comfortable place for this fat lass), but what I just cannot understand is the effect it's having. I can't seem to shake off the worries and get on with things.

However, I have made a firm committment to myself. It's pretty short and sweet.

I WILL NOT give up!

Actually, I can't give up. To do so would be to undo all the progress I've made since my obese days and I cannot face going back to the uncomfortable life I used to lead. I may not be 'progressing' in the way I'd like to, but progress can sometimes mean holding steady and managing to avoid the slide back down the slippery slope. Can't it?

So, in an attempt to stop myself beating myself up too badly, and to muzzle my mouthy internal monster, let's look back and compare now with about year ago.

June 2010
BMI 22.3 = 'Normal'
Weight 59kg
Bust 38"
Waist 27"
Hips 38.5"

April 2011
BMI 23.1 = not as good but still 'Normal'
Weight 61kg
Bust 36"
Waist 27.5"
Hips 39"

OK, it isn't great... and I'm nowhere near as fit as I was back then, but the alternative is a whole lot worse. Don't give up!

Bleh!

Yep, bleh! Kind of sums it up really. I'm still moving back and forth through my few pounds gain, few pounds loss cycle so I'm no further forward at all. Sound like an old broken record, don't I!

I'm really not taking my lovely hubby's health problems in my stride at all. I'm worrying way too much, not sleeping properly, and don't seem awfully interested in taking care of 'me' properly. I know I'm snappy, however hard I try not to be. Basically, it comes down to being scared. It's affecting all aspects of my life and I'm not a happy camper at all these days.

Had a funny conversation with someone I haven't seen for a long while - she went away on maternity leave a couple of years back but stayed away for lots longer as she had some health problems then soon afterwards fell pregnant again. She was quite surprised at the difference in my appearance and, amazingly, actually talked to me about it (so often, this just doesn't happen).

After chatting and catching up for a while, she asked me to tell her what was the most difficult thing about losing the weight.... so far. Bearing in mind I feel pretty crappy about myself at the moment, I have to admit that I giggled a bit self consciously and said 'myself'.

Afterwards, when I wondered what prompted me to come out with that, without even thinking, I realised I've learned that I'm actually the cause of most of my 'not doing great' times. I've also learned that if I can just muster the strength to keep on fighting... mostly I'll get there. It isn't easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. So this bad period of life WILL pass and things will get better. I just have to be as strong as I can (for me and my beloved man) and we'll get through it.

So what's going well (or at least doing OK) at the moment? Well, I still walk as much as I can (about an hour, maybe an hour and a half every day, and briskly as I can). Great! Give the fat lass a gold star for this.

I'm hanging in there with the training course. Not finding it a walk in the park, but I won't give up and I am putting in a lot of effort. I WILL pass, and to the best of my ability.

Anything else reasonable at the moment? Well, food isn't fantastic (er, hence the weight cycling) but I'm not hitting the binges and not eating rubbish... just still too much of the good stuff. It may not be perfect, but at least I can say that my general eating habits have changed for the better.

So, any other positives to focus on? Of course there must be... just takes a little bit of thinking through.

Yep, there is something else positive to show I haven't descended right back down to the depths of despair, even if it sometimes feels like that. How do I know? I still try to dress nicely. Sounds odd, huh? Well, in my fattest days I didn't give a hoot what I chucked on in the morning - it wasn't going to look nice on me anyway so why bother. Now, I try to dress nicely (OK, clean and tidy, even if not fashionably, anyhow) as much as I'm able. Positive, see?

Other ways I'm still looking after 'me' include good haircuts, every five weeks or so. I don't fight the grey hair (just call it 'distinguished'), but keeping it short and keeping it feminine makes me feel a bit better about myself. I also take care of my teeth now. I know it sounds sort of funny but that makes me feel better too.

I guess the point of this ramble is to say 'hey, I haven't given up'. Whatever is happening in your life now, don't give up either. Things will improve in time... we've just got to get through the hard stuff.

Fitter, but holding steady

OK, let's give you the good news first. The daily dose of walking, rowing and abs work definitely means I feel fitter and a bit more energetic and rather more like my old self. Yippee!

But... oh, and isn't there always a 'but'? But... my weight is pretty much unchanged. Pooh! says the fat lass. OK, being realistic, that isn't too surprising as I've still been eating outside my 'weight loss' zone.

Right, that's the physical side of things. Mentally though, things ain't that grand and I feel like I'm really going through the mill. The stress is ongoing, and has been compounded by some major worries for my darling lovely hubby's health. I won't go into detail but the problem, er... actually problems plural, have sent me into another tail-spin. I've shed more tears and been more shaky and out of control in the last week than for a long time. This has not been good - not good at all.

Once we have some more concrete information to work with about the problems themselves and the possible solutions available, things may be easier to handle. Appointments and tests and all-sorts on the horizon. Wish us well and watch this space.

Thankfully, and I really don't quite know how, I seem to have been able to keep myself away from the really unhealthy snacks (a.k.a. crisps and chocolate), despite my customary response (dare I call it 'old' behaviour yet?) of eating crap until the scary stuff gets hidden. That said I have probably been comforting myself a bit too much with those 'healthier' snacks like fruit and yoghurt. My bread consumption could do with being cut down a bit too. Not perfect behaviour, I know, but better than the alternative.


Well, I'll keep trying and keep at it and keep a good old Blighty 'stiff upper lip' as much as possible. And, showing those grey hairs, as Howard Jones (remember him?) sang way back in the 1980s "Things can only get better". So, here are some instructions for life to think about. Thanks to Anjie for these.

A bit less podgy, a tad less unfit... progress!

OK, it may not be perfection but things are a whole lot better than they were. Phew! I was getting quite scared that I couldn't get things back under control and I would slip further along that awfully slippery path. Over the days, months and years since I finally got serious about wanting to lose weight, I've worked so darned hard to get to 'here' that I really didn't want to go back to 'there', if you know what I mean.

I still have a lot going on and I'm still pretty stressed (to the point of tears at times), but seem to have found a way to handle things without resorting to eating for England! Or at least, not wanting to pig out every moment of every day to hide the feelings under an over-full belly.

What I am eating is generally healthy stuff, and filling enough to keep me from wanting those naughty, tempting (and dangerous) nibbles. Stepping back and taking a deep breath every now and again helps, as does talking the scary things through with my lovely hubby. What probably helps as much, physically that is, is increasing the exercise though.

My mornings now have a time slot for rowing again, followed by the abs work, and walks as many times as I can fit them in during the day, even if they are just little ones. I feel better for it and I know that, given time, it will start to pay off.

As I said before, onwards, ever...

Growing fat!

OK, time to 'fess up about where I've been and what I've been up to. You may have guessed already that since I last stepped up and told you how things were, I let the stress get the better of me. For a time I started cultivating adipose tissue. Call it a new hobby if you like.

To be frank, it ain't that much fun as a pastime so it hasn't lasted long and I'm pretty well decided that I won't carry on with it. As far as enjoyment goes, it rates pretty low on the exicte-o-meter. Sure that chocolate bar tasted OK, but it wasn't fantastic. When I lost my head, and ate a juicy orange instead, the instant gratification was far superior. In fact, I'll do it again!

As to the exercise... well, not doing much felt OK for a few days but, hell, you know it really wore me out! I found I was tired every morning and getting tireder (is there such a word?) by the day. And I noticed the difference in other respects too.

Not to put too fine a point on it, my eating habits and sluggishness had a marked impact on my, er, morning habits. Yep, I'm talking constipation and I think that's as much as I'm happy to reveal.

A week or so later and normality has caught up with me. Never could run too fast, me!

So, I'm back to sensible eating (loving my morning porridge), drinking lots of lovely clear water and I'm back to moving my slightly expanded posterior. Some of that carefully cultivated corpulence has shuffled off from whence it came and I'm making marked efforts to shed the rest.

The overall damage could have been worse, I guess. I 'only' gained about six pounds. Only... as in nearly half a stone in a few short days, that is. Ouch! Thankfully, the waistband on my trousers is slackening off a bit and I'm no longer considering undoing those stitches I'd put in when they got too big for me. I still feel podgy and unfit, but at least I've faced up to where I was headed and made a start (yet again!) to get back on track.

Do you think I'll learn one day? (she says wistfully)... I do hope so. Right now, I think I must have goldfish blood in my ancestry as, with this rubbish memory, I cannot seem to remember past mistakes until it's all too late. Onwards, ever...