Bread of Heaven!

Here it is... our very first wholemeal loaf. Just wonderful!

And that was before we tasted it.

Actually, it isn't entirely true to call it 'wholemeal' as it is made with 50% wholemeal flour and 50% white flour. Someone told us that Canadian flour was the best to use... can't say we'd argue with that!

We couldn't wait for this one to cool properly before we tried it, so we each ate a slice warm... bliss.

Once it had cooled, we sliced it thinly and toasted it. We both agreed it tasted better than any shop-bought loaf we've had in ages.

We've since made another loaf, to give away, and a third... with sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. That is as good, if not better than the first two. I think our Panasonic breadmaker is a big success.

A silver lining...

For those of us with extra weight to shift or are by nature 'sturdily' built, who look somewhat enviously at the plethora of young girls/women with endless, slender legs we see in lingerie adverts and on TV, there is a glimmer of silver in the folds of our grey cloud.

A Danish study published in the British Medical Journal and reported by the BBC concludes that "men and women with thighs over 60cm (23.6in) in circumference have a lower risk of heart disease and early death".

Furthermore, this finding appears to be "independent of abdominal and general obesity and lifestyle and cardiovascular risk factors such as blood pressure" according to Professor Berit Heitmann, who led the research.

Before we get too enthusiastic though, this does primarily relate to muscle mass. Too little muscle is not, apparently, a good thing at all. So, if you want to do your heart a power of good (and maybe improve your chances of living to be 100!) get those legs moving and build yourself some muscle!

An aside, but very exciting to this fat lass... this morning brought the first taste of our very own home-baked wholemeal bread, now that we've invested in a Panasonic breadmaker after a lot of thought. Wow! What a revelation in flavour, and the texture was fantastic - it reminds me of the bread of my childhood. The best bit of all (apart from that heavenly crust) is that we are in complete control and know EXACTLY what went into it. The only problem? Summoning enough willpower to resist more than one slice!

Connections and associations

I think I may carry the same DNA as Pavlov's dogs!

Today is a funny old day. Summer has apparently given in to autumn... overnight, it seems. Coincidence or no, I have the first irritating symptoms of a cold - not much, as yet, just a few sniffles and a pounding headache. So, I got up this morning feeling less than enthusiastic or great.

Because I was quite chilly, I put on an old sweater - one which I used to wear in my fattest days to mask the belly. It's pretty big on me now (actually it sort of dwarfs me) but it is warm and, with a burnt orangey colour, it's pretty cheerful. Mistake... big mistake!

For one thing, I feel like the old fat lass wearing it! Almost as though the hands on the clock have turned back and I'm right back where I was two years ago, feeling dumpy and miserable. The logical part of me knows this is nonsense... but the emotions? Hmmm, they just can't seem to catch up.

The second problem is that it seems to act as a trigger for some of the old (bad) behaviour. I popped into the local supermarket on my way to work for some fruit. I was feeling a bit dazed and grotty at that point, but sort of 'woke up'... dead in front of the chocolate biscuits! What is going on here, huh? Thankfully, I realised what I was about to do, took the biscuits back out of my basket and headed for the fresh produce... pretty damned sharpish!

It may be, as Sara discusses in her post today, that being off balance in some way (emotionally or physically) is the cause of this sort of aberrant behaviour. But... it could be the associations that come as a package with wearing some of my old 'fat clothes'.

All I'm sure of is that I will not be wearing this tomorrow!

Re-education

That's a word which carries some fairly negative connotations, right? Well, perhaps not always! Here goes with another lo-o-o-ong post that's been a while in the writing.

Good old Wikipedia has several definitions of 're-education', including:

• Brainwashing, efforts aimed at instilling certain beliefs in people against their will
• Reeducation through labor, also called laojiao...
• Rehabilitation, therapy to remove or restore a habit or condition, usually medical or penal
• Adult education...

But wait! All of these pretty much tally with the process I feel I've gone through over the last couple of years with regard to my attitudes to food, eating and how I take care of me and my body. Negative? No siree! You can pick a big fat positive out of every one of these definitions.

To me 'Adult education' doesn't just mean the obvious, educating an adult (me, the fat lass, that is). It's also meant learning to behave as an adult, making grown-up choices and not giving in to the scared, unhappy child inside who ate for comfort and to show herself a little (misguided) 'kindness' in response to a big bad world. That's been an important step for me.

As to 'Rehabilitation', well that's pretty straightforward one to be honest. Removing the old bad habits and inserting good ones in their place is what this journey has been about. Not easy, perhaps, but absolutely fundamental. I suppose you could even view it as semi-medical... at a push. After all, the changes have surely had a huge impact on my health, both physical and mental.

Then there's laojiao, the 're-education through labour' view. The term 'labour' is another way of saying 'to put one's back into' something. And when it comes to exercise, an integral part of this weight loss journey (and, I feel, the cornerstone to success), that's just what has been required, labour. Or, to put it another way, effort! Not a token effort at that, but a steady, sustained commitment to making those long-forgotten muscles work a wee bit harder, even if it's only a little bit at a time to begin with.

1. Remembering that every extra step I take, every stair I climb, every stroke on the rower, uses up a tiny bit more of the food I choose to ingest.
2. Understanding that exercise isn't just about using up calories but also about building a stronger, fitter person for the future.
3. Learning that exercise doesn't have to be a chore to dread, it can actually be fun, something to look forward to and a really positive feature in my life.

And finally, there's 'Brainwashing'. The part where new beliefs are instilled against my will. Beliefs which are hard to take on board - like 'I can do this' and 'I will succeed'. My track record on weight loss hadn't been great, so why should I believe in it now? And against my will? Well, it really was to begin with. Even though starting this journey was my choice, sometimes it seemed so unfair that I had to embark upon it at all. Jealously observing all the slim people around me and not, at that stage, truly understanding that they looked that way and I did not because of the choices we each made every day, I felt so much deep resentment. The only way past that hurdle was to brainwash myself by repeating over and over that this was my choice to make, only I could do it and the only way forward was to bite the bullet and just 'do' it. Seems to have worked too.

Another aspect of re-education that Wikipedia doesn't mention is re-education by example. While I have walked much of this journey alone in some senses (no formal community like WeightWatchers or Slimmer's World for this fat lass) I've learned such a lot from other people.

To begin with I was strictly an observer to other weight loss websites, eavesdropping quietly on the lives of the people I've now come to consider old friends. Picking up odd tips and trying them on for size. Some were great, some didn't work for me, but all formed part of my re-education, often by making me 'think' about what I was doing and how to approach it. I posted no comments in the early days though. No way, that might draw attention to myself and reveal the awful the shame of my obesity! The blog you are reading was meant purely as a personal record and outlet. I didn't think anyone would ever read it but me and maybe lovely hubby.

But, as time went on, I saw ongoing kindness and loving support freely given by people leaving comments for other bloggers and I began to leave the odd comment too. Only a little 'well done' here or there, but it made me start to feel part of a wider community. I drew support from that.

I've actually been blessed with a great deal of support. The support of my beloved husband, which means more to me than I think he will ever realise. The support of family members who noticed gradual changes in my appearance and began to break silence and talk to me about it. And the support I've felt in reading the daily stories other people have written about their own weight loss battles.

They gave me confirmation that I wasn't alone in the problems I faced, or in the way that I often felt. Sometimes the mental adjustments required to adapt to a changing 'me' were so scary. To feel the way I did worried me that it was somehow abnormal... until I found that other people felt exactly the same way too. That reassurance was sometimes a gift beyond words.

So, I gradually learned to understand that the problems I encountered were not just mine and mine alone. Others felt the same fears and enjoyed similar joy at our little successes. That was a type of re-education too.

And I slowly learned to accept that others could see me through the blog, to share in my ups and downs and sometimes even my shame. That went a long way to re-educating this fat lass too. I have not been judged and found wanting (a major fear in all sorts of ways through life). I have been helped and supported.

For both of these things I send heartfelt thanks to everyone who has ever bared their soul about their trials and tribulations of losing weight and to everyone stopped by to see where I am on my journey to more love per square inch.

I'm losing it

The weight, that is... thankfully.

After a holiday weekend of hard labour (OK, decorating the kitchen) the scales reported a nice little loss for me yesterday morning. I'm now at 67.5kg, which I make to be somwhere around 10 stone 9 lbs. It would probably have been a slightly bigger loss but for the exceptionally poor 'meal' choices we made while the kitchen was out of action ...chips? ...ice cream? ...beer? Silly fat lass!

But... even so, I am now firmly into long forgotten territory - when was I last at this weight? Was I happy back then? I sure am right now!

I only have another three pounds of fat to get rid of before I reach my next little aim (actually, it's quite a big one)... to be a 'normal' fat lass. Keep up that walking and rowing girl!