11 November 2013


Yep, feels like there are some - hmmm, hope so, anyhow. After my recent salt debacle I think I now have my head back on straight again (oh OK then, it's a bit straighter, even if not completely straight).

It was indeed a fair old blip, but thankfully one that doesn't seem to have done me too much long-term damage... well, certainly nothing that can't be addressed if I take care of myself and my system rather more mindfully.

My weight is, as I had anticipated, up from where I had been happily sitting for weeks. The bad news is that I stood on the scales with the needle showing 55kg on Saturday's weigh-in and had almost certainly peaked higher than that earlier in the week, what with the (now obvious) water retention. Whilst I'm not too happy about that (as 55kg is my red line 'do something' weight) I know it could have been a whole lot worse had I not figured out what I was doing to myself and turned it around.

Let's view this positively - so far, so good, eh? This morning, after a careful weekend with plenty of water and some exercise, I feel less bloated and the needle looks to be sitting a shade lower. Great, so I am at least heading in the right direction. Having turned my sodium boo-boo around, I need to keep things going along the same lines.

Mindfulness - now there's an important word for the fat lass to ponder. Normally, when I think of it, I conjure neat little pictures of meals - taking my time, eating slowly and appreciating each and every forkful, but that's about it. However, I've just had a timely reminder that the word means so much more than this.

My mindfulness should encompass taking care and giving thought to choosing what to put on my fork in the first place. It should also include the thought, planning and determination required to get me off my backside and move. It covers emotional well-being too, not just matters physical. It is actually all about being 'considerate' of the whole of my life, not just the activity or dietary-related parts. It's about 'taking care' of myself.

OK, I understand now that I need to start looking hard at where I am at the moment and taking care of the 'me' inside once again. I'm aware that this has taken a back seat and slipped in recent months and that things in this respect are, pretty obviously, somewhat adrift. While I know there is that perfectly valid and understandable reason for this to have happened, continuing in this fashion isn't doing me any good at all.

As a start with this I'm going to do something I don't really want to do, and that is mention something personal which makes me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I'm going to admit that most of the common symptoms and signs are there to indicate that I'm probably depressed. Hell, but I hate the bloody 'D' word with a passion, along with all of it's very negative connotations. Got the tee-shirt from a long time back and don't really want to be wearing it again - still, sometimes we don't get the choice. This is where I seem to be.

And, although I know things are very much off-kilter, I do not feel I can go to see my GP. This is the very last thing I want noted on my medical and employment records. Sounds silly, I know, and I guess I might possibly benefit from it. But there is still SO much prejudice out there about any perceived 'failings' when it comes to a person's mental state - I don't feel I can take that chance.

What I'm going to do instead is take the D.I.Y. approach. I'll focus on this mindfulness and walk myself through the whys and wherefores of my present funk. Once I have a clear understanding of what I'm feeling (hmmm, not as simple as it may sound as there are so many feelings, some of them conflicting), and why this is so (again, pretty complex as there's all sorts of family history and baggage to contend with) then I'll look at what I need to do to retrain or reframe my thinking.

Self-counselling, I guess. In short, I'm going to find a way to sort myself out.

Never fear, I will get through this and the dreaded black dog will not defeat me. I know it's 'normal' despite being not a pleasant place to find myself, and I know that the passage of time will help me too. Odd as it sounds, that is one plus about having been through a previous period of depression (which happened when I lost my Dad and my first marriage blew apart). Even though it was a hellishly rough time, I know I came out of it a stronger person, and that means I can do it again.

This time, I'm lucky. Very lucky indeed. I have my darling lovely hubby to hold my hand, dry my tears and pick me up when I fall.

OK, onwards, very definitely upwards...


Chrissie said...

I have a deep love for the salty too, though I try not to indulge it too much for the same reason as you.
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel you might be depressed but at the same time don't think its necessarily surprising - and despite your feelings about it, certainly nothing to be ashamed of. You've been battered with some horrible, sad, painful feelings and events, you've suffered and lost, and you're depressed about it. I'm so glad you have someone to give you a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold, make sure you use it!
Good luck with the DIY approach, I hope you start to feel better soon

Enz said...

I think depression is normal after what you've been through lately - and situational depression is very common. Take care of you.

Deniz said...

Chrissie, Enz, you ladies are lovely. I really appreciate knowing you are there and thinking of me. Hugs to you both.

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