Progress?

Perhaps it's because I'm back on a more even emotional keel, but I can think straight again. And, I can see that a good bit of progress has been made. I'm feeling more 'focused' and 'with it' and I feel confident for the future - for my future.

Yes of course, while it'll be nice to see the scales responding to the efforts I'm making, this isn't the progress I have in mind. After all, we aren't quite at the finishing line yet. What I actually mean by progress is what's happening inside my head... in the way I'm thinking about this whole weight loss business.

I mean that I've come to appreciate where I am now, to understand where I came from and why that part of my life panned out the way it did and to accept the lifelong journey I must still go on with. This one changing, evolving person, from the past... to the present... and on into the future, really is still 'me'. You see, I finally 'believe' deep inside myself that I can actually do it... not only get rid of those last few pesky pounds but keep this loss maintained once I have shed that last bit. Strange as it may sound, this is a bit of a new concept for the fat lass.

I guess it's kind of odd that during all the trials and tribulations of the last few years (yeah, it's been a long haul, I know), I never had much real faith that I truly 'could' make a long-term success of this journey. Some of that was down to fear that the old 'me' was actually the real one and would, at some point, come out of hiding to take over again to wreck my plans for the future.

Yes, I could see my life and my health had changed for the better. And yes, I sort of knew and could accept that I'd made some progress along the way. However, I didn't really appreciate how much of a fundamental and permanent difference there was between the old me and the new one until more recent times. It's easier for others to see things like that, I guess.

But still, despite all that sort of seeing and sort of knowing, there was that whiny, nagging little voice in my head muttering away. Her comments were always directed at the hatchling new 'me' though and, alongside the thoughts designed to de-rail my efforts were always other negative thoughts. She'd whisper things like "What makes you think you can do it this time, huh? Haven't you always failed in the past?" and "Who do you think you are, eh? Aiming for the weight you were nearly thirty years ago? You can't turn the clock back - stupid or what!".

Well, I'm can't be certain she's gone away completely and for ever. Indeed, she probably hasn't. But I do seem to have found a few ways to tell her to shut the heck up because she's wrong! More importantly, I now 'know' she's way off base.

In just less than a month I go away with my lovely hubby to pastures new for a well-earned break. Sure I'd love to hit that tantalising 60kg target before I go, and that may well be achievable. But I won't fret if I can't or don't do it within this period because I now 'know' that I will get there at the time that's right for me and my HRT beleaguered body.

Similarly, I'd be amazed if I come back from our trip without having gained at least a pound or two. We are after all going to somewhere with lots of new tastes to sample! The difference is that I now truly 'know' I can handle that, not overindulge too badly, and get any gain back off again once I'm back to my everyday routine.

For all my remaining saggy-baggy bits 'n bobs and the still sticky-out belly, I'm not the fat lass I used to be. The 'me' inside has changed at least as much as, if not more than, the outer packaging. And you know what? It's a nice feeling - I rather like this 'me'.