02 June 2009

Beware! 'Black Dog' on the loose

...and with the consequences I would prefer to have avoided.

I had a bad day yesterday. After quite a sleepless night I was so strung up about getting the results for my mum's scan and x-ray that I felt like I was barely functioning. Work did not go well at all (no point going over the details) and I resorted to old bad habits - that is, nibbling.

Good stuff, to begin with. My fresh fruit, a couple of Ryvita and my lunch, so not too bad... even if more than I should have eaten and way too fast. But the afternoon brought more worries and problems. Stupidly, I took a £1 coin with me to get some tea. And of course bought a (large) slice of coconut and cherry cake to eat with it.

Then met my lovely hubby on my way home and we foolishly picked up pre-prepared couscous and cooked chicken bits (and some barely recognisable sausage things) for our evening meal. Oh boy, we are both as bad as each other - will we never learn! Thanks, Tesco - they were fatty, tasteless and disgusting so we threw a good half of dinner in the bin. But the damage had already been done and we consoled ourselves with yoghurt (and in my case a chunk of olive bread too).

Well, finally got to hear the news. Mum's results were good, in that both reported clear. But, those results just leave so many questions unanswered. I should be dancing with joy that nothing of significance was found, but I'm not and just I can't make myself do it. So, of course, I'm now also kicking myself over that very lack of delight.

You see, I'm now worrying that maybe we don't have all the information we should. I suppose that comes from not understanding why our poor mum should keep losing yet more weight (when she is already so tiny and fragile) and why she should be getting so very much more frail so quickly and inexorably. She is really not doing very well at all and I'm worried about her. My sister feels similarly that there must be some root cause, but not knowing what it is makes dealing with it and planning for the future quite a challenge. And we both hate living so damn far away!

In consequence I had another poor night last night, with nightmares and sleepless chunks again. So I'm tired, unsurprisingly short on patience and not having the best of days again today. I even felt sluggish on the rower this morning. Although I still managed my 400 it was a fair bit slower and didn't leave me with my usual buzz. I am really not looking forward to embarking on my management course, which starts this week. Don't feel I have the energy to handle it. Yep, that damned black dog is sitting heavily on me once again

And, to cap it all, today I've been back at the nibbling. Yes, mostly good stuff but that still isn't a sensible way to deal with worries.

Right, let's look for some positives:

  • Mum's results are good - they are not what we feared!
  • She isn't in pain... or in hospital... or unable to see to her own basic needs
  • We 'can' make it to see her with just a few hours travelling if she needs us quickly
  • I'm exercising every day (even if it's for a relatively short period, it's daily)
  • It's summer, so the sun is shining (it is a whole lot nastier feeling low when it's gloomy outside)
  • I'm still eating healthy food... mostly (OK, I've been comfort eating but at least it's mainly good stuff, not chocolate and crisps)
  • I've managed to call a halt to the nibbling today - just drinking LOTS of water!

What do I weigh? Don't know, although I can guess, but am not inclined to get on the scales to make myself feel even worse until I get a serious grip on my emotions. C'mon fat lass!


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