Fluctuations and losing the plot

Bottoms, bottoms, bottoms... and big fat wobbly bellies, while I'm thinking about it! Sorry about that - had to get it off my chest. Er, a word of warning... there's some serious moaning coming up. Oh dear, having not written anything for a while, now this. It might be a good point to navigate away from here to some place more cheerful.

On a positive note, those blood test results came back all fine and dandy so my thyroid would appear to be firing on all cylinders. Trouble is... I'm most certainly not. So what's the problem exactly? Well, I can't really put a finger on it and that's part of the problem. I'm just not on top form at the moment. I still have no energy, feel run down (although nothing specific in the way of symptoms apart from the reappearance of cold sores!) and am constantly tired. Falling asleep at the drop of a hat seems an integral part of my life right now. Please don't tell me that it's because I'm fifty - I have no intention of 'retiring' in my head and won't accept that this is reasonable.

But, this lethargy/lack of energy is now getting to the point where it's affecting me both physically and mentally, and making me quite unhappy (OK, for this read grumpy and bloody miserable).

A point where exercise has become rather a trial, not a pleasure. I'm not even finding all that much joy in my walks at the moment. Some of the time even they're almost a chore I do because I 'ought to'. At least I am still walking but... as to anything else exercise related, nah! Firmly onto the back burner and with no foreseeable prospect of raising much enthusiasm, it would seem.

Food-wise things things have gone a bit awry too. A shame, because the weight business had seemed to have settled slightly. A bit more than a week ago I'd got back down to 60kg, which was great. Sadly, this week's weigh-in isn't quite so great. A very hectic week with my eye off the ball, followed by an indulgent weekend away (don't mention fish & chips... please) and I'm seeing 62kg on the scale again.

This is not good. I have to get myself turned around before this turns into a downward spiral. I do know that, honestly. I need to push myself to get moving again and sort out my food intake to get those lbs off.

I'm talking the talk... but I just don't seem to have the energy or enthusiasm to go for it and walk the walk too. Anyone care to give me a smart kick in the pants?

Summer delights

Yesterday I stumbled across a farm shop selling small punnets of summer soft-fruits for £1 a punnet. Some of the punnets were loganberries - wow! I haven't tasted them since I was a child, when we had loganberries growing in our garden. They were beautifully juicy and ripe and tasted amazing. Eating them brought back lovely memories to make me grin too.

You see, when I was a kid we had to fence off the produce area in our garden to prevent our wee mutt from getting in.

(I don't have a photo but he looked a little like this huggable hairy happening)

Ah, furry little thief that he was! Once he'd found his way in, and he was very adept at finding new ways, he'd happily pull off every scrap of ripe fruit from anything he could, stubby tail going nineteen to the dozen as he enjoyed (quite literally) the fruits of our labours. A dog that started the day white(ish) could quite happily be pinky-purple around the muzzle by the end of it. Yes, we were the proud (?) owners of a wannabe fruitarian mutt!

His particular favourites were the sweeter fruits - strawberries, loganberries and raspberries (and he loved trips to pick blackberries and whimberries), but he'd even have a go at the gooseberry bushes now and again. Most frustrating to see the berries begin to colour nicely, wait just another day or so in anticipation, then get there to find the dog had been at them first! The only thing safe from him was rhubarb and blackcurrants, which he hated, and apples, which were too high off the ground to reach.

He was also a brilliant ratter and an inveterate egg thief. For very good reason we didn't keep our chickens for too long once he'd joined the household. If he'd ever found a way in there... oooh!

Anyway, this time I had a whole punnet of luscious loganberries to myself for lunch. They were heavenly. Hmmm, now if they still have some on sale today...

Yo-yo

Up and down, down and up. Humph! Don't think it's worth going anywhere near my scales at the moment. Either they are going dotty in this heat, or I am (strangely enough, lovely hubby seems to get constant readings so I guess it's me). In the last four days the reading has varied between 60kg and 63kg, showing the two extremes in the space of a single day. Is it these pills? Don't know.

Whatever the reason it looks like my cherished 59kg is definitely off the cards for a while and I'm going to have to fight like hell to get it back. Oh well. Anyway, for now I give up! I will keep on exercising, keep eating sensibly and forget about the scales and weight and stuff until after this blasted wedding. It just isn't worth the jolt of elevated heart rate and increased blood pressure when I see those higher readings.

On a positive note, the heat (and I am NOT complaining about this amazing summery weather, quite the opposite!) and rather oppresive humidity means I'm none too interested in eating anything resembling a 'substantial' evening meal. And I'm going through a LOT of water. Even developed a taste for sparkling water, cold from the fridge with a slice of lemon. Cold? Ooooh - most unlike me.

To be honest, even lunches are not all that appealing so delicious summer fruits and yoghurt seem to feature on my menu most of the time. Last night I cooked up some gorgeous gooseberries (with Splenda, not sugar, to sweeten them) so a lovely low-fat, sugar-free fool made with yoghurt, not cream, is on the cards for tonight.

Today is different though. Today I have a serious treat - a delicious boiled duck egg for my lunch. Not quite hard-boiled (this was a 5-minute egg), so the yolk is buttery soft and a deep, rich yellow. We had it's mate for dinner last night, with seedy-bread 'soldiers' (no, they weren't spread with butter!) and it was amazingly good. OK, I did grind some salt on them, but this isn't a frequent event so I'll let myself off. I have to say that if I was asked to choose one dish for my last ever meal, this would be it. By the way, not all eggs are created equal. Always free-range (ever seen a battery duck?) and often organic - if you've never tried duck eggs, give 'em a go!

Not a happy camper

Partly down to me and, I think, partly down to the new medication but my weight has risen quite dramatically. I am back to tipping the scales at 61kg and am none too pleased to be over my 'magic' nine and a half stone barrier just in time for the wedding. Grrr!

OK, I'll hold up my hand and admit that I've not been as careful as I should have been over the last week and that some of that gain will undoubtedly be my own fault. But, and I think this is a valid 'but', I have not gone mad by any stretch of the imagination. Yet a 3kg rise (that's 6.6lbs, or nearly half a stone, fer pete's sake!) in just one short week is considerably more than my minor lapses could account for. This leads me to wonder if those pretty new HRT pills are having an effect... just as it says they might in the side-effects section of the leaflet. Since I started taking them I've felt heavy and bloated, and my rings are not falling off me as they were before... although some of that may be down to the unexpectedly warm weather I guess.

So what's the thing I'm most unhappy about? The blasted mind games!

While the logical part of me realises that I haven't instantly turned into the blob or the monster from the black lagoon, the emotional side is sobbing in horror and telling me I've blown it and failed and am fat and ugly and horrible. Not a nice place to be and I'm struggling to shut out the negative messages and focus on being the sane, rational grown-up woman I thought I'd returned to. Lord! Haven't I learned anything about this business?

Well, I can't lose the lbs in the few short days until the wedding so I just have to suck it up. My dress will still fit me so I need to stop moaning and look on the bright side. Three years ago I was celebrating losing 'some' of my weight prior to my friend's wedding, and dropping a dress size or two. Think it may be time to look back at the photos from that day and then in a mirror. Get real, fat lass!

Health stuff

Well, a visit to the doc proved interesting. I'd only really gone to review three months of the HRT pills, to renew my prescription and to see if there was anything to be tweaked to make it better. Yep, there was. From tomorrow I start a new set of little pills, this time based on horse not cactus extract for the progesterone phase. Hopefully this'll even out the mood swings, which have still been pretty marked and not awfully constructive for all concerned.

In passing, and mostly because lovely hubby nagged me to do so, I mentioned my lack of energy (which seems just as bad, if not worse), the fact that I'm shaking a lot these days and that I'm almost always unreasonably cold. I'd put the latter down to losing the padding which used to insulate me. But, quick as a flash, the doc booked me in for a blood test to check thyroid function. Oh!

As you do, I Googled thyroid function later. Apparently, about 1 in 50 women develop hypothyroidism (insufficient thyroid hormone) at some time in their life, but I'd never even heard of it. More and more interesting though, the list of common symptoms of hypothyroidism describes me to a tee at the moment. Hmmm, could even explain why my weight loss seems to have stalled at the moment (I'd put it down to being tired so doing less exercise, but...). Yes, I'm still sitting at that 59kg mark, despite eating weight loss portions, which is fine if a tad frustrating. So, we'll give our wee drop of blood and see what they reckon. If that's what it is, at least it's easily treated.

The lesson here - it's well worth mentioning seemingly minor 'concerns' to the doc, even if you think it's just one of those things. I really haven't learned this lesson well through life.