29 May 2019

Damn, just damn

Well, I've been away for an age again and as you may imagine that means things haven't exactly been going well. I've pretty much ended up descending into a deep, dark black hole

Why? A combination of s**t ganged up on me and things went completely to pot after the New Year. Yep, I guess that includes a pot belly!

The nastiest news was that my weight did hit 67kg for a while. That meant at 10 stone 8 lbs I was over two stone heavier than my 'happy weight'. Crap!

While I'm glad to say that has come down a bit, to 62kg at the moment, it's still not good. It's also been a very hard slog even to get this far.

I mentioned back in December that some of the strategies that have worked for me in the past just don't seem to be cutting it any more. Sadly, that's still the case. I'm trying, but any progress is very slow.

OK, that's the weight, but my mental health has also taken a pretty big hit. I guess I've mentioned it a few times but haven't really laid it out in too much detail (keeping head planted firmly in the sand, I guess), but the last X weeks... well, months really... have been somewhat tough.

I've struggled in some nebulous 'can't cope' sort of way. I've been down, bluesy, sad, under the weather, prone to tears, you name it - often with no identifiable cause. My confidence, always somewhat tenuous, has taken a nosedive. There's absolutely no single concrete reason for this, that I can see - just a whole load of smallish setbacks which have piled up like a snowdrift. Unfortunately... that's just the way it just is.

It's quite a while back that my old nemesis, the Black Dog, saw his chance and leapt at it. He invited himself in by sneaking through a crack in the door, made himself comfortably at home with a cup of tea and settled in for the duration. He's there now, the little beggar, half hidden in the shadows and grinning at me with his teeth ever so slightly bared, displaying his defiance and contempt. Once he'd made himself at home, he invited along his old mate Anxiety for the ride. Fun, huh?

Suffice it to say I don't like this at all and hate the way I've been feeling. I'm so tired of just soldiering on. Some days are alright, but on others my 'worries' feel like I've managed to avoid being run down by a car only to be hit by a bus I didn't even see coming. Don't get me wrong. I don't need to tell you that there are so many people in this world for whom life is a whole lot more of a struggle than it is for poor old me. But still...

It's taken me some time to get to the point where I'd accept that I need some extra support, but I finally have and I have recently started counselling. The jury is out as to how well I'll do, but at least I've begun.

And I can do something else that I've mentioned more than once - something my lovely Mum used to do. Actually write down (yep, list in black and white) the reasons I am blessed. Express my gratitude for the good things I have in my life. And try to identify the positive things about 'me' (though I do find it difficult to see the good, not just the negatives).

If I write down just one little thing a day, that list should begin to build. If I watch it grow and read it back to myself, however corny it may seem, it might just give me another weapon in my personal armoury to help me beat off the Black Dog.

I am going to try to post here more often (er, at the moment I can't realistically make promises), as I know it has helped me in the past and your support has been a boost too.

Ah well, let's keep my fingers crossed. For now all I can really say is my customary onwards, ever...


Amy said...

Focusing on the good things about yourself is so positive and it will make you feel good. I believe a huge part of mental health is allowing yourself to do things that feel good, steal away a few minutes to garden or read a book or do some stretching or write, etc. It's sending yourself a message that you are worth your own time and energy.

Enz said...

I am sorry to hear you've had a rough go of it, but oh so glad that you have taken steps to put that dog out of your life. I have missed your posts and your wicked (even in the darkest of times) sense of humour.

Take care Deniz.

Deniz said...

Thanks Amy. I really appreciate the support at the moment.

Deniz said...

Aaaah my dear Enz, You don't know how much it means to see your lovely comment. It was quite a big step to write this post and took more than a tear or two...or three. So good to know that I have true friends in blog-land who both understand and support me. Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

Chrissie said...

I've missed you and it's lovely to see a post from you even if it's sad to hear you're struggling. I'm not trying to make it about me but everything you wrote very much resonated with me - except better written than the attempts I started and failed to post last week. Lots of hugs and I hope your list of good things is very long

MaryFran said...

Sorry to hear you have had a rough couple months! I’m so glad though that you are seeking help! I love that you are writing down things that you are blessed with. During some of my darkest days I would make myself each and every day find one thing that I was grateful for...some days it was difficult and I would say ‘well the sun is shining’. But it helped! I also picked up photography..it’s hard to NOT look at the world with beauty in your eyes when you are trying to find the perfect shot!

Whatever works for you, I know that you can pull out of the slump. Don’t focus on the big picture. Just one day...one task at a time. :-)

based on a design by suckmylolly.com