10 April 2012

Maybe I get it, maybe I don't

...and does this really matter?

Funny, but finding out over the weekend that I've been misjudging myself again has really given me pause for thought. Put another way, this is kind of bugging me.

I'm astonished that, after all the time spent in weight-loss mode and the maintenance part of this journey too, I still don't seem to have an accurate picture of what I actually look like, almost as though I don't possess a true yardstick. It still feels as though there is a substantial amount of 'me'. I don't feel fat exactly, but in no way would I call myself skinny. I guess, if pushed for a definition, I'd probably say I feel about 'average' nowadays. And that is something I've been pretty content with.

My 'content' doesn't mean I think I look 'perfect' though. I will always see a variety of flaws or faults with my body when I look in a mirror (I'll never look like a twenty-something model, for example) but I'm quite accepting of what I see, for all that. For the most part I'm happy with the 'me' I see. There isn't the grinding 'self hate' any more. I do generally 'love' myself (as much as I ever will), yet I'm obviously not seeing 'true'. Somehow I'm still misguided in my perception of myself.

If you'd asked me to tell you, during the time I was full-on trying hard to shift the excess pounds, how it might make me feel to discover I was smaller than I thought I was, I'd have said I'd be delighted or overjoyed or something similar... but somehow that doesn't seem to be the case. What I'm feeling is like I'm standing on shifting ground - just a little uncomfortable and uneasy.

I know I've come a long, long way on my journey. I can see various things about myself, appearance aside, which have changed for the better. Health is by far the most important of these, with a new attitude to exercise and to food I could never have imagined a few short years ago.

I also know that I'll never go back to the way I was before, even if I slip up and gain a few pounds for a little while. I've come too far, and changed too much, for that to happen. My life today is so much better and richer for the changes made and that isn't negotiable.

So, is this unease over the 'mis-perception' business a big deal? I don't know, and that's what is making me think. Has anyone else found something similar... or is it just me?


Jeanette said...

I definitely misjudge my own size as well... on both ends of the spectrum. It is hard for me to pick up a "small" at the store and always grab a medium with it to try on!

I feel like after years of avoiding the mirror and disliking my body, I now have trouble seeing it for what it is in reality!

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

It is not just you. I still do it on occasion after all these years.

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