More love...

Diane's recent post, over at Fit to the Finish, made me think and I guess it's about time that I celebrated something very important to me indeed.

Way back in June 2007, when he saw how serious I was about losing weight, my lovely hubby made a sweet promise to me. So, right from the very start of this journey I had something big and exciting to look forward to. This was that, as I shrank and most especially when I got to where I wanted to be, since there'd be physically less of me and just as much of his love to go around, I'd have more of his love per square inch!

Well, a funny thing happened along the way and it didn't exactly work out in quite that way in the end.

This is for two different reasons. The first of these is a bit hearts 'n flowers romantic and, some may think, a tad mushy. So if you are a non-sentimental soul, you might like to skip the rest of this post.

You see, I can quite honestly say that instead of there only being 'just as much love to go around', I am fabulously fortunate that my darling's love has expanded over the years. I am so very lucky in this respect. Diane talked about the added pressures which can sometimes be put on relationships when one partner changes significantly.

But not us - thankfully. And, as a result I'm receiving 'more love' in two senses (hmmm, that means it's at least double the niceness, if not niceness squared), and I have been doing so for some considerable time. First of all, this happened as 'me' shrank and then, secondly, as my darling's love has grown over the years. All together now, aaaaaw!

There's another strand to this 'more love' story too...

Over the last six to eight months (since about mid-summer last year), my lovely hubby has also been steadily losing weight. He's changed his diet and portion sizes radically and is now a slinky shadow of his former self. To date, he weighs around three and a half stone less than he used to. From a size XL around this time last year we are now buying him size M sweaters and, boy, does he look good in them!

His weight loss and the care he now takes with his diet has had a pretty dramatic effect on his health too.

Taking just one example, blood glucose levels. His morning fasting blood glucose levels are almost inevitably significantly below 6 mmol/L these days, and on occasions they can fall just neatly below 5 mmol/L.

I'd say that was pretty good going (ah, a mistress of the understatement is the fat lass!) and it means his diabetes (Type II) is under very much tighter control, thus reducing the risk of him developing any of the myriad and unpleasant complications this insidious disease carts along with it. He has way more energy too. I'd idly thought a month or two back that it'd be probably be quite interesting to see what his next review revealed, and true enough, his blood results from his last visit to the GP were excellent and continue to improve.

What's more, I would say that as his love has deepened over time, my love for him has grown too, so my precious man is now also in receipt of 'more love per square inch' from me... and once again  that's the niceness multiplied.

OK, you can take off that blindfold now, take your fingers out of your ears and stop singing 'la la la la'. The schmaltzy stuff is over. I'm not going to apologise for a second though... This post may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's pretty darned important to me :-)

Random musings

There's a Polish saying 'Eat, drink and loosen your belt!' (though I can't say it in Polish) and I have to say they've got that spot on the dot. One of my work colleagues, a lovely lady from near Warsaw, brought in her all-time favourite Polish cake on her birthday and it was amazing. It looked beautiful (similar to the one in the photo) with layers and a hard chocolate topping, and it was delicious. Not overly sweet (thankfully), but boy!, was it ever filling - even the little slice I enjoyed. Ooooh, definitely time to loosen that belt!

On the avoirdupois front, things are nice and settled at the moment, which is a good thing. I'm still pondering that 'mis-perception' business but am pretty relaxed about it again.

Health has been a touch out of kilter recently (minor tummy upsets - grrr) so eating has been slightly mixed. Soup has been more attractive than just about anything else though, which can't be bad. My lovely hubby's home-made mushroom soup tonight :-)

I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to heading off to the gym on Sunday (as is lovely hubby) as we've missed it. I'm also looking forward to the weather improving so walks become less soggy once again and also so that we have a good excuse to move from our daily porridge to Turkish-style breakfasts. I'll miss the porridge though.

I am all too aware that I need to give my winter legs some serious attention before it's time to move into skirts though. Yuck! Dry skin 'r us at the moment and I'm also a very hairy happening, if you know what I mean!

No real news, no traumas and nothing extraordinary either. Just life, and a good one at that. Onwards ever...

Maybe I get it, maybe I don't

...and does this really matter?

Funny, but finding out over the weekend that I've been misjudging myself again has really given me pause for thought. Put another way, this is kind of bugging me.

I'm astonished that, after all the time spent in weight-loss mode and the maintenance part of this journey too, I still don't seem to have an accurate picture of what I actually look like, almost as though I don't possess a true yardstick. It still feels as though there is a substantial amount of 'me'. I don't feel fat exactly, but in no way would I call myself skinny. I guess, if pushed for a definition, I'd probably say I feel about 'average' nowadays. And that is something I've been pretty content with.

My 'content' doesn't mean I think I look 'perfect' though. I will always see a variety of flaws or faults with my body when I look in a mirror (I'll never look like a twenty-something model, for example) but I'm quite accepting of what I see, for all that. For the most part I'm happy with the 'me' I see. There isn't the grinding 'self hate' any more. I do generally 'love' myself (as much as I ever will), yet I'm obviously not seeing 'true'. Somehow I'm still misguided in my perception of myself.

If you'd asked me to tell you, during the time I was full-on trying hard to shift the excess pounds, how it might make me feel to discover I was smaller than I thought I was, I'd have said I'd be delighted or overjoyed or something similar... but somehow that doesn't seem to be the case. What I'm feeling is like I'm standing on shifting ground - just a little uncomfortable and uneasy.

I know I've come a long, long way on my journey. I can see various things about myself, appearance aside, which have changed for the better. Health is by far the most important of these, with a new attitude to exercise and to food I could never have imagined a few short years ago.

I also know that I'll never go back to the way I was before, even if I slip up and gain a few pounds for a little while. I've come too far, and changed too much, for that to happen. My life today is so much better and richer for the changes made and that isn't negotiable.

So, is this unease over the 'mis-perception' business a big deal? I don't know, and that's what is making me think. Has anyone else found something similar... or is it just me?

Interesting times?

Well, it's been an interesting Easter Bank Holiday weekend, in more than one way.

We've bitten the bullet, rolled up our sleeves, and filled six sizeable bags with a around 95% of my lovely hubby's ex-clothes (or should I say, his XL-clothes!). We have kept a few bits and pieces that he can just about get away with wearing still, and a few 'can't bear to part with' old favourites. However, having lost over three stone in weight he's changed a fair bit, to say the least!

Those bags contained coats, jackets, shirts, trousers, belt, tee-shirts, sweaters and about anything else you could name, both summer and winter weights. We dropped everything off at our favourite charity shop for someone else to make use of, and some lucky soul is going to have a field day! That felt rather good - in fact, we were both delighted. That excess weight of his has gone, gone, gone... and it ain't coming home again!

But then it dawned on us. Oh dear. He didn't have a lot to wear after the purge, so we also had to go clothes shopping... this time for size M apparel. We've even had to buy him new underwear! Hmmm, have to admit this particular aspect was rather overdue as the XL ones would barely stay up on his new slender frame. This shopping extravaganza got to be rather costly, but what the heck. Whilst I have always thought my darling looked lovely... in his slinky new outfits he now looks fantastic!

And then, with an amazingly less cluttered wardrobe so I could see what was what, I also took the opportunity to dig out summer clothes I wore last year and to put away most of the heavier weight winter clothes. What happened next came as a bit of a shock.

I tried on one of the floaty dresses I wore (and felt great in) just a few short months ago, back last summer, to find the darned thing was suddenly too big for me. It dangled off my shoulders and did not look at all good. My first thought was that I must be mistaken. Huh? How? What on earth?

This was not what I'd expected at all. If anyone had questioned me, I'd had said I was pretty much much the same size now as I had been last year. Disbelievingly, I tried on a few other bits 'n bobs... with the same result! A strange feeling, this - apparently, I'm completely wrong and it means that I have been totally misjudging the size I am and the way I look... again! Dammit! I thought I'd learned and was much more realistic these days.

I feel a bit of an ass. The winter woolies are deceptive, it seems. I guess they aren't really fitted. Even though the most recent lighter clothes I've picked up have been a UK size 8, I thought this was just the ubiquitous 'vanity sizing' trick once again and I was larger than this. And, to be honest, I've been perfectly happy with it. I didn't ever plan on being a size 8. In fact, a size 10 seemed pretty much ideal to my way of thinking.

OK, a hard look at my summer wardrobe and say goodbye to some of the things I thought would be with me for years to come. More empty bags to the rescue, and another load for the charity shop. As I say, an interesting weekend!