08 February 2010

Black clouds and hills to climb

OK, I'll admit that things have been pretty stressful for the last week or two. Could have something to do with why I haven't written much here.

My darling lovely hubby was admitted to hospital for a while, although I have him back home safely now (phew!), and what a horrible time that was. I'm worrying a lot about my mother's health too. But, even with all of this 'stuff', I can't quite understand why those blue meanies seem to have set up home so deep-rootedly in my soul. C'mon you lot - give me a break. Get out of there and let the happy 'me' come up for air. Please?

It's funny, but I've been 'a bit down' since the beginning of the year. Can't quite put a finger on why it started back then, but I've mentioned before that my motivation really hasn't come back full strength and everything has felt like an uphill battle. Well, I'm still trying (she sighs, resignedly, and it's one step forwards, one back), but my smile has got buried underneath it all. I'm weary, have a face full of cold sores (always a sure indicator of stress for me) and I don't feel like 'me' at all at the moment.

What's worse, my patience is stretched so thin that it's making life at work very trying... and not just for me, unfortunately. But it seems worse today, and the blues have come on in force. Hmmm, those blasted thunderclouds. They've barely allowed a glimmer of sunlight through, and they aren't conveniently way, way off on the horizon. They are centred right here, directly over me, and it feels like they are leaving me stood in my own private emotional rainstorm.

It's silly, 'cos I had been handling things reasonably well. Leastways, I thought I had been. And what makes it feel more unpleasant is that we have just had a good weekend. In fact, it was a great weekend away from it all, and a lot of the stress from the previous week or so did burn away... for a little while. Lovely hubby and I walked a lot in the fresh air (what a contrast to last weekend when him walking anywhere was out of the question!) and spent time talking and just appreciating being together, but the down side is that I lost any semblance of good sense and ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. So, guess what. My weight has, not surprisingly, gone up and the scales tell me I'm back above the ten stone mark this morning. Dammit!

This doesn't make me feel good at all, and I hate to see the little progress I had made (and struggled to make) being thrown away. What's more, I know I can't blame anyone else. It was me. I was the one to chuck sensible thoughts out of the window and eat, even when it was food I wasn't really all that interested in. And, yep, I know it's me who'll need to get my head back straight and take those pounds back off - by being sensible, eating moderately and moving my tush.

One problem is, my knee problem has kicked off again in the last couple of days and the pain is making exercise (even walking) rather more unappealing. I'm not sure I can manage the salsacise class tonight. We'll have to see. What's more, I want to eat - comfort eat, I guess. Not anything in particular, but I feel like I have no willpower left to say 'no' with.

I know I'm being a real moaning minnie and I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm sure I'll get over this bad patch but, in the meanwhile, oh Lord those hills seem a long way to climb and it feels sooooo hard!


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