A little light...?

Well, I don't know what is going on with my weight. Hard on the heels of an 'oh my God!' shock, horror gain is an equally astounding 'say what!' sort of a loss.

This morning (for good or ill I still can't help but check it daily, she sighs sadly) the scales were back down to 63kg. Huh? What's going on here? No entiendo, non capisco, ich verstehe nicht or, to put it another way, WTF?

In my book, a mere two days to lose 3 whole kilos whilst eating fairly decent amounts of good fresh produce and doing some sensible exercise (but not going mad-crazy) does not compute. Does this mean my scales are having a bad hair day today...or did they have one on Monday, for that matter?

Ho hum, don't know. I'll try hopping on again tomorrow and see what surprises are in store for me then. In the meantime I can happily report that munching my veggies and staying clear of the bread and treats for a couple of days seems to be helping me feel a bit more like 'me' and less of a bloated blob. I feel that a small window of motivation may be opening up... I just need to push and squeeze to get onto the other side and really go for it! My next goal is still that magical 60kg.

Oh, and the bad news - and ain't there always some. I am going to have to give up my beloved salsacise classes (violins play and tears creep into my eyes). As much fun as it is, and I sometimes laugh so hard at my lack of co-ordination that I almost cry, my dodgy knee just cannot cope with carrying on much longer. This week I had to stop and give it a break on more than one occasion as it was howling. What's more, it stays very irritable for longer and longer. Not good - the fat lass concludes that the damage she's done to herself over the years of carrying excess weight is a permanent feature. Growl!

So, next term I'll be going back to the Chi Kung class, which is not a bad thing. It is definitely not high-impact and should be good for me. For my poor knee and for 'me' spiritually as well as physically. It does mean that getting back to the gym needs to move up the priority list a little more quickly too.

Ditch those carbs and move that butt!

Why do I do this to myself? Stress really isn't a good enough excuse, is it!

Oh blast it, hell and other rude words. Last week was an absolute nightmare. It was a nasty, ill-tempered, angst- and worry-filled week and I'm really glad it is over. But, last week's bad news continues to roll over into this week because I have paid the (all too well-deserved) price for the poor choices I made. The scales shocked me on Monday morning when I found I had whizzed right back up to a thumping 66kg! Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I do, needless to say, have a fair inkling as to 'how' this extra weight arrived about my person.

Part of the gain is down to a period of semi-hibernation. Sure it was cold, OK it was a bad week. But, no getting around it, I was decidedly lazy and spent a whole week early to bed, late to rise - telling myself (and lovely hubby) that I was tired. My exercise plans took a back seat, so the fat lass has found that her 'seat' expands!

Then, looking back through my food diary (a miracle I kept it going last week!) I noticed a bit of a trend. A trend, that is, in addition to the large portion sizes and the obvious 'sins' I knew about even as I ate them. Last week I ate lots more carbohydrates than I usually ever do. Comfort foods again. Mainly in the form of bread, although some mashed potato, white rice and the odd cake/cookie slipped in there too.

Good bread (especially seedy, wholemeal bread) is one of my lifelong passions and, whilst I no longer compound my sins by adding butter/spread/etc. to bread, I still need to be really, REALLY careful about the amount I allow myself. It is oh so easy for me to get completely carried away - and don't even go down the route of bread still warm from the oven! Last week, bread 'in moderation' was not in my lexicon. Learn from this, fat lass, or rather 're-learn'. You used to 'get it' - so why aren't you 'getting it' now?

I also noticed that alcohol featured rather more prominently in the last week than is usually the case... er, just a wee drop to help me sleep! Well now, some vigorous exercise would have done the job rather more effectively, wouldn't it?

So, this week has started back on the road towards losing those, and some more, pounds. The rules are simple so I just need to remind myself of them and get back to 'doing it'.

Bread has been replaced (in the main) by chopped up fresh veggie sticks.

Alcohol has been replaced by a relaxing evening cup of herbal or orange tea.

Exercise has re-commenced, in earnest - walking, rowing, salsacise for now, and a return to the gym as soon as I can get my flabby 'seat' there.

Let's get that needle moving down again!

Hallelujah!

The knee eases, so the fat lass walks. Even in the snow.

Doesn't sound like much, but it makes me happy.

Black clouds and hills to climb

OK, I'll admit that things have been pretty stressful for the last week or two. Could have something to do with why I haven't written much here.

My darling lovely hubby was admitted to hospital for a while, although I have him back home safely now (phew!), and what a horrible time that was. I'm worrying a lot about my mother's health too. But, even with all of this 'stuff', I can't quite understand why those blue meanies seem to have set up home so deep-rootedly in my soul. C'mon you lot - give me a break. Get out of there and let the happy 'me' come up for air. Please?

It's funny, but I've been 'a bit down' since the beginning of the year. Can't quite put a finger on why it started back then, but I've mentioned before that my motivation really hasn't come back full strength and everything has felt like an uphill battle. Well, I'm still trying (she sighs, resignedly, and it's one step forwards, one back), but my smile has got buried underneath it all. I'm weary, have a face full of cold sores (always a sure indicator of stress for me) and I don't feel like 'me' at all at the moment.

What's worse, my patience is stretched so thin that it's making life at work very trying... and not just for me, unfortunately. But it seems worse today, and the blues have come on in force. Hmmm, those blasted thunderclouds. They've barely allowed a glimmer of sunlight through, and they aren't conveniently way, way off on the horizon. They are centred right here, directly over me, and it feels like they are leaving me stood in my own private emotional rainstorm.

It's silly, 'cos I had been handling things reasonably well. Leastways, I thought I had been. And what makes it feel more unpleasant is that we have just had a good weekend. In fact, it was a great weekend away from it all, and a lot of the stress from the previous week or so did burn away... for a little while. Lovely hubby and I walked a lot in the fresh air (what a contrast to last weekend when him walking anywhere was out of the question!) and spent time talking and just appreciating being together, but the down side is that I lost any semblance of good sense and ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. So, guess what. My weight has, not surprisingly, gone up and the scales tell me I'm back above the ten stone mark this morning. Dammit!

This doesn't make me feel good at all, and I hate to see the little progress I had made (and struggled to make) being thrown away. What's more, I know I can't blame anyone else. It was me. I was the one to chuck sensible thoughts out of the window and eat, even when it was food I wasn't really all that interested in. And, yep, I know it's me who'll need to get my head back straight and take those pounds back off - by being sensible, eating moderately and moving my tush.

One problem is, my knee problem has kicked off again in the last couple of days and the pain is making exercise (even walking) rather more unappealing. I'm not sure I can manage the salsacise class tonight. We'll have to see. What's more, I want to eat - comfort eat, I guess. Not anything in particular, but I feel like I have no willpower left to say 'no' with.

I know I'm being a real moaning minnie and I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm sure I'll get over this bad patch but, in the meanwhile, oh Lord those hills seem a long way to climb and it feels sooooo hard!