09 May 2013

Oh no! Not the nibble monster...

I'd say that yesterday was a successful day. I had to go to a long (though very interesting) committee meeting so was out of my normal routine. I'd thankfully anticipated correctly that there'd be coffee and biscuits on arrival, so took the precaution of popping a little handful of almonds in my pocket as a low-carb alternative to the biccies. Good plan, as the cookies we were offered were large, home-made, smelled amazing and looked delicious! So glad I had my nuts.

Lunch was more of a problem, but I'm pleased to say I stayed strong. We were presented with platters of sandwiches, bowls of crisps and nachos, a plate of ready-cut sweet fruits (sadly no berries) and a tray of mini fresh-cream buns and muffins. Looked pretty, but not even remotely low-carb, so I picked some salad leaves, a sliver of Brie (scraping off the red 'jammy' stuff) and a few bits of ham out of some of the sarnies and ditched the bread. I chose the two smallest pieces of melon (the best on offer carb-wise) and turned my head away from the nachos and cream cakes.

Meagre? Yep, and I wasn't anywhere near 'full', and in fact I left the meeting starving of the hunger but I felt proud of myself, despite those odd looks I got from other committee members at lunch.

However, a day away from routine and it does feel like the scales have dropped from my eyes so I can now recognise something that has been happening, on and off, for a few weeks. I also think I'm seeing a pattern to it. Hmmm, this is not good.

I realised that, of late, the fat lass has turned all 'fancy hungry' again. It's not that I'm actually 'hungry' or 'need' to eat, as such, just that I fancy a little something and find that I'm casting round for the very thing that fits the bill. And very often, as is usually the case in this situation, oh dear Lord...  whatever I try simply doesn't do it.

Hmmm, so why is this happening?

Despite changing to the new medication (thankfully!) and seeing some big improvements, I'm still not sleeping terribly well. There are still life's stresses and worries which pounce like a stalking tiger in the night. In fact, aside from when physical activity has been way above and beyond the norm meaning I'm going to sleep right N-O-W... even standing up if needs be, I can't remember what a normal 'good' night's sleep really feels like.

So, when I get up around five every weekday morning I'm very often not feeling rested and ready for the day, but tired... Some days are OK-ish, some worse than others.and sometimes I feel draggingly bone-tired.

I think this is part of it. Being so tired means that, just recently, at six o'clock in the morning,after doing my (non-negotiable) rowing, abs stuff and hopping in the shower, I've really been struggling with the idea of breakfast again. I guess this starts my day off all wrong.

Remember, this is the woman who used to hate (make that H-A-T-E) eating at sparrow-cough... er, I mean first thing. So now, I make an effort and I can usually say, yes, fine, OK, alright, I'll eat... Usually, but not always.

To be fair though, my darling lovely hubby wouldn't let me out of the house without eating 'something'! But I find I'm eating without any great enthusiasm quite often. Over recent weeks I'll regularly just finish about half and take the rest in a box to work for mid-morning break time at ten-ish, when I do actually look forward to and enjoy it. That's OK, I guess.

Then just before the lunch break, at around about midday, I have got into the habit of munching through my veggie crudites while I work. Is that a good thing, or a bad one?

Having done that, when I do stop working, I get my ass out into the fresh air and set off for a good hour's walk (this usually racks up around three miles or so). Great, eh? Well, yeah, it is, but I'm now generally wanting 'something' to eat when I get back to work.

Hey, so what if I want something, hmm? That's not a problem. I've been bringing a little pot of olives or yoghurt and seeds or something to have then. So far, so good... except that it isn't.

Because by around mid-afternoon, say three o'clock, I've started to feel distinctly nibbly of late, and my eye begins to wander around those little low-carb snacky bits I keep at work. Now I don't have very much of anything at a time, but I might have more than one 'not very much' portion, because whatever I've munched didn't satisfy me.

Something ain't right here and it needs to change. This doesn't happen at weekends when we usually get up and eat breakfast later. I can go all day and barely feel hungry then.

It didn't happen a while ago. So why is it happening now? That's what I'd like to figure out.

Is it the tiredness? Is it the stress? Is it boredom? Is it that I'm eating the 'wrong' things so I don't stay sated? Is my body craving some nutrient that I just don't recognise? Maybe I need to think fats and proteins as a base for small meals, rather than my beloved crudites.

Heck, I don't know - but I will figure this out and I WILL change it because this feels like an unsafe place to be. The nibble monster really isn't my friend. Constant looking for 'something' is too close to home - just too similar to my old bad behaviour, and I really don't want those hard-lost pounds to start finding me again.

Ah well, onwards ever...


Deedra said...

Congrats on staying strong!

It is a never-ending battle, isn't it? We've been 'trained' so to speak that events revolve around food. Our bodies require food. It's part of life.

Encouraged by your perseverance!!!

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