Progress?

Perhaps it's because I'm back on a more even emotional keel, but I can think straight again. And, I can see that a good bit of progress has been made. I'm feeling more 'focused' and 'with it' and I feel confident for the future - for my future.

Yes of course, while it'll be nice to see the scales responding to the efforts I'm making, this isn't the progress I have in mind. After all, we aren't quite at the finishing line yet. What I actually mean by progress is what's happening inside my head... in the way I'm thinking about this whole weight loss business.

I mean that I've come to appreciate where I am now, to understand where I came from and why that part of my life panned out the way it did and to accept the lifelong journey I must still go on with. This one changing, evolving person, from the past... to the present... and on into the future, really is still 'me'. You see, I finally 'believe' deep inside myself that I can actually do it... not only get rid of those last few pesky pounds but keep this loss maintained once I have shed that last bit. Strange as it may sound, this is a bit of a new concept for the fat lass.

I guess it's kind of odd that during all the trials and tribulations of the last few years (yeah, it's been a long haul, I know), I never had much real faith that I truly 'could' make a long-term success of this journey. Some of that was down to fear that the old 'me' was actually the real one and would, at some point, come out of hiding to take over again to wreck my plans for the future.

Yes, I could see my life and my health had changed for the better. And yes, I sort of knew and could accept that I'd made some progress along the way. However, I didn't really appreciate how much of a fundamental and permanent difference there was between the old me and the new one until more recent times. It's easier for others to see things like that, I guess.

But still, despite all that sort of seeing and sort of knowing, there was that whiny, nagging little voice in my head muttering away. Her comments were always directed at the hatchling new 'me' though and, alongside the thoughts designed to de-rail my efforts were always other negative thoughts. She'd whisper things like "What makes you think you can do it this time, huh? Haven't you always failed in the past?" and "Who do you think you are, eh? Aiming for the weight you were nearly thirty years ago? You can't turn the clock back - stupid or what!".

Well, I'm can't be certain she's gone away completely and for ever. Indeed, she probably hasn't. But I do seem to have found a few ways to tell her to shut the heck up because she's wrong! More importantly, I now 'know' she's way off base.

In just less than a month I go away with my lovely hubby to pastures new for a well-earned break. Sure I'd love to hit that tantalising 60kg target before I go, and that may well be achievable. But I won't fret if I can't or don't do it within this period because I now 'know' that I will get there at the time that's right for me and my HRT beleaguered body.

Similarly, I'd be amazed if I come back from our trip without having gained at least a pound or two. We are after all going to somewhere with lots of new tastes to sample! The difference is that I now truly 'know' I can handle that, not overindulge too badly, and get any gain back off again once I'm back to my everyday routine.

For all my remaining saggy-baggy bits 'n bobs and the still sticky-out belly, I'm not the fat lass I used to be. The 'me' inside has changed at least as much as, if not more than, the outer packaging. And you know what? It's a nice feeling - I rather like this 'me'.

Feeling better after a good weekend and a rant

Amazing what getting it all off one's chest can do, isn't it? My weight may not have decreased all that much, but thankfully I'm back to roughly where I started again. Er, let me clarify that! What I mean is that I'm back under my 'shock horror' over ten stone point and wavering around the 62kg mark again. That is a much better place for the fat lass to be.

Better yet, my decidedly grumpy frame of mind has improved somewhat. I've even calmy coped with quite a large liquid spill (hmmm, half a bucket's worth of the wet stuff goes a looooong way!) without getting cross with the individual who made the mess - a big improvement, particularly as they took some persuading to help in the clear-up.

I've already had a lovely walk in the sunshine and am feeling very much more serene. I'll be out there again later, given half a chance. The plan now is to concentrate on eating healthily, walking as much as possible and building in the gym whenever I can (although, sadly, this can't be very often at the moment). My Chi Kung class restarts tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm not going to stress over the weight changes, even if the scales say I've gained again. My clothes still fit, despite the remainder of the bloated feeling around the belly (and ankles!), so I'm going to accept the variations for now, carry on taking my pills and see what happens. It is, after all, very early days.

I'm not giving up. I will reach my target and I will stay there! Oooh, I'd got so close and it was horrifying to think that it might all be falling apart - a little over-reaction on my part but I guess that's hormones for you. But, it wasn't all descending into chaos - it's just that getting to where I want to be just might take a little longer than I'd hoped. That's life though.

Oh pooh, bah and humbug

Sorry chaps. Rant about to start.

Is it me or is it these bloody HRT pills? Whatever the reason my blasted weight has gone up AGAIN and I'm right back up to a shade OVER ten stone! Growl, hiss, spit! The fat lass is NOT a happy camper at all.

Yes, it's been a hard few weeks at work, with a lot of stress and I know I don't do well under too much stress. But, it seems an amazing coincidence that, my weight having been pretty much OK (give or take) for quite some time and despite still eating sensibly and moving my butt (albeit not as much as I ought), suddenly I'm seeing a weight gain... and not a minor one either.

What's more, with the second type of these pills (they are oestrogen only white pills for day 1-16 then oestrogen and progesterone green ones from day 17-28) my relatively calm frame of mind went right out the window and my mate Alecto the Fury took over once again... in spades! My poor lovely hubby took the brunt of it and it probably took all his courage to 'casually' mention over breakfast one morning that I seemed a bit 'short-tempered'. Poor lamb.

Thankfully, my raging emotions only lasted two or three days before things settled down a bit, but the sudden change is making me think that, as the pills are having a major impact on my character, they are probably having an equally significant effect on my body. My digestive system is still not quite on balance and I can see from my ankles that I'm also retaining a bit of water again too.

Well, if it is the pills - bugger them. They are not going to defeat me! I will shift this bloody weight again, come hell or high water. I WILL get down to my intended weight. Failure is NOT an option.

Gym delights

Went again last night and loved it. It was pretty quiet as it's still half-term, I guess, and that makes such a difference. Want to go again... now.

Have started to build up the cardio work again and I'll soon be back to what I consider 'acceptable'. Rowing (on lovely new Concepts) was bliss - smooth as silk - and I'm adapting to the new steppers, for all I still think the whizz-bang new kit is overly complicated to use. Having said that, I do like the elliptical (it's the 'spotty dog walker' to me - from The Woodentops when I was a kid) much more than the old ones.

The weights went well - even the chest press and shoulder press (which are my least favourites) weren't too awful.

One grumble (OK then, two). Firstly, I seem to have forgotten the finer points of my warm down and stretch routine. I think I need a little reminder so will ask one of the trainers next time. And the showers, whilst wet and warm(ish), were in complete darkness! Is there an energy saving scheme in place I don't know about?

A rollercoaster ride

OK, having now been taking the HRT tablets the doctor prescribed (Elleste Duet) for a couple of weeks. So... how are things going? Well, I'd say things were a bit up and down to be honest.

My 'hot spots' haven't exactly gone away, but they do seem less frequent (night sweats once or twice a night now, not five or six episodes!) and they are less intense. I should still be hooked up to the National Grid as I produce a lot of excess energy, but the Water Board probably couldn't make much use of me to reduce seasonal shortages now. Likewise, those extremely irritating Beach Boys haven't decided to retire altogether. Still, the buzzing blighters play me up less often and at a significantly reduced, more manageable, volume. My moods seem a bit less volatile too, which is a big plus as I'm a bit more on an even keel. Less intense anger (although I still have my moments) and a reduction in the sudden floods of tears for no real reason.

But... and there always is at least one 'but', isn't there... there are a few things which are causing me some disquiet. First of these is that, even though the night sweats are less of an issue, I'm still not sleeping properly and so I'm almost always feeling tired and mildly run down as a consequence. The overnight disturbances caused by the sweats seem to have been substituted with other wake up calls! I seem to be getting bad dreams (hmmm, nightmares really) quite frequently over the past couple of weeks. Some of them are pretty unsettling too. It reminds me of the time I took Lariam to prevent malaria - but thankfully not as bad! And there are the early hours leg cramps. Not something I suffer from usually, but lately my calf muscles have managed to tie themselves into excruciating knots and wake me.

Then there's early morning indigestion - usually first thing in the morning, or within half an hour or so of breakfast. I don't feel sick exactly, just a bit uncomfortable and mildly 'dodgy'. I feel bloated and bigger around the belly (despite the yoghurt) and my digestive system seems to be just slightly out of kilter.

But the one which is really annoying to a fat lass is the effect on my weight. OK, it wasn't the best of weeks last week, but things shouldn't have been bad enough to see the scales leap back up to 62.5kg again. Needless to say... they did! I can tell from my wedding ring being tighter on my finger that I'm retaining water so that is part of it, but...

Coincidence? Not sure.

It's still very early days so I guess it's 'keep taking the tablets' and see how things go.

A timely reminder

Not a great day. Not that fantastic a week to be honest.

Thankfully, I read a timely quote about the perils of neglecting oneself at Fifty, Fat and Grumpy.

Hmmm, made me think it's time to take a good look at myself and get with the plan again. Not tomorrow.... today!

Sort of a holding pattern...

A wee bit down, then a wee bit up, now a wee bit down again... which means I'm pretty much where I was at the start of last week, give or take a pound. I'm OK with that as my darling lovely hubby and I went away for a couple of days break and we did indulge rather more than usual (and a very nice treat it was too).

Our biggest indulgence was a fabulous fishy feast at a rather nice restaurant (Loch Fyne) on Good Friday. I had a wonderful bowl of fish soup to start (rich and roux-based soup though, so between that and the slice of garlic bread which accompanied it, not as diet-friendly as it could have been). Then a starter portion of crispy whitebait and a lovely leafy mixed salad for my main course (and no, they didn't mind a bit), ignoring that pot of lemon mayo that came with it. So far, so good.

And then... er, oh dear - ooops! Then came a decidedly decadent dessert - a square of warm chocolate brownie. At least it wasn't too huge (grin), and I didn't eat the rather odd-looking 'chocolate' sauce drizzled around the plate. I also managed to say a slightly regretful 'no' to the suggestion of ice cream on the side.

Back on the straight and narrow again now though, and we did walk a LOT over the weekend, even though it rained... a lot. Poor old feet knew it too - ooooh, those dogs barked!

I must say, it was very nice to see a momentary glimpse of 61kg on the scales for a time, just before we went away last week. It was less good to see the needle back up to 62.5kg on Sunday when we got home, but it was a temporary blip and it was back to sitting at 61.5kg yesterday morning. So, I can't moan too loudly now, can I.

The plan is to eat sensibly and healthily for the rest of the week (more veggies please!), and to walk whenever I get chance. To go to the gym for a darned good session tonight and see where we get to by the weekend. Maybe by Monday I might see that 61kg back again?