Celebrate... or be miserable?

In the two weeks or so since I last wrote something, my weight changed for the better, then for the worse, and is now right back at the same 61kg where I started out the month.

The loss bit of the cycle reflected no hard work on my part, but a nasty little bug which saw me curled up in a ball of misery for a few days. Food was the last thing I wanted near me. Sadly... I made up for my abstinence once I felt better and those flubbery lbs soon popped back on again.

Then came Easter and a short break away. We actually did quite a bit of exercise (in the sunshine!) but, oooh, those lovely full-English mega-breakfasts. They tasted amazing (and it was great to have them cooked for us with no washing up in sight), but they had the expected result when I stood on the scale on Sunday morning. Yep, it was back up to 62kg again - ooops!

I'm now going to moan. Only a teensy little moan, but it is a heartfelt one. You see, over the same few days (with those same amazing breakfasts) my lovely hubby didn't put on an ounce. Grrr! Actually, this is something to celebrate as he's doing really well with losing weight and his jeans are now in imminent danger of embarrassing him in public by dropping round his ankles! We really must get him a smaller size.

Ah well. Two sensible days later, of drinking my water (oh yes, I forgot it again!), making healthy choices and eating normal portions and it's back down to the slightly less 'panic-stations' sort of figure of 61kg. However, I do know that I need to get my head on straight and lose a few more of these pesky pounds.

Sooooo, to the plan.

I am going to get these couple of lbs off, by the tried and tested combination of eating less (and healthily) and moving my posterior, and then re-set my new 'panic-stations' figure to 60kg. It was set to 62kg, but I'm just not happy and don't feel 'right' when I hit that mark on the scale.

Then I need to get exercising harder and tone up some of what's there while working on ways to get a few more of the lumpy bits sent on their way by shedding some more weight. C'mon, it's salad time of year and you love it - what are you waiting for, fat lass!

I would really like to get down to 57kg... and stay there. Doesn't sound a lot, huh? But, heck, it's proving a hard ask.

So, do I celebrate? Yes! I'll celebrate the fact that I am not ending this month heavier than I started and that lovely hubby is getting slinkier by the day.

Be miserable? No. Think I'll pass on that one.

Why?

With a startling record of lack of progress on the weight loss front these days, that's the question I've been asking myself, pretty much daily. Why?

It generally goes something like this:

• Why do I seem to sabotage myself every step of the way?
• Why do I get cracking on the exercise then let good intentions and progress slip away?
• Why do I eat more than I know I should (even if it's 'healthy' stuff)?
• Why, after all this time, am I finding this so darned hard?
• Why can't I seem to get focus back on this process and DO it?

...and a whole load of similar 'whys'!

That confounded internal critic (you know, that sneaky little blighter who takes up residence in your head and drops in snidey comments in low moments) usually pipes up with the simple answer - 'because you are rubbish'. My logical mind knows this is entirely accurate but...

Yes, I've got a lot of 'stuff' going on right now, and a whole load of uncertainties (never a comfortable place for this fat lass), but what I just cannot understand is the effect it's having. I can't seem to shake off the worries and get on with things.

However, I have made a firm committment to myself. It's pretty short and sweet.

I WILL NOT give up!

Actually, I can't give up. To do so would be to undo all the progress I've made since my obese days and I cannot face going back to the uncomfortable life I used to lead. I may not be 'progressing' in the way I'd like to, but progress can sometimes mean holding steady and managing to avoid the slide back down the slippery slope. Can't it?

So, in an attempt to stop myself beating myself up too badly, and to muzzle my mouthy internal monster, let's look back and compare now with about year ago.

June 2010
BMI 22.3 = 'Normal'
Weight 59kg
Bust 38"
Waist 27"
Hips 38.5"

April 2011
BMI 23.1 = not as good but still 'Normal'
Weight 61kg
Bust 36"
Waist 27.5"
Hips 39"

OK, it isn't great... and I'm nowhere near as fit as I was back then, but the alternative is a whole lot worse. Don't give up!