Bleh!

Yep, bleh! Kind of sums it up really. I'm still moving back and forth through my few pounds gain, few pounds loss cycle so I'm no further forward at all. Sound like an old broken record, don't I!

I'm really not taking my lovely hubby's health problems in my stride at all. I'm worrying way too much, not sleeping properly, and don't seem awfully interested in taking care of 'me' properly. I know I'm snappy, however hard I try not to be. Basically, it comes down to being scared. It's affecting all aspects of my life and I'm not a happy camper at all these days.

Had a funny conversation with someone I haven't seen for a long while - she went away on maternity leave a couple of years back but stayed away for lots longer as she had some health problems then soon afterwards fell pregnant again. She was quite surprised at the difference in my appearance and, amazingly, actually talked to me about it (so often, this just doesn't happen).

After chatting and catching up for a while, she asked me to tell her what was the most difficult thing about losing the weight.... so far. Bearing in mind I feel pretty crappy about myself at the moment, I have to admit that I giggled a bit self consciously and said 'myself'.

Afterwards, when I wondered what prompted me to come out with that, without even thinking, I realised I've learned that I'm actually the cause of most of my 'not doing great' times. I've also learned that if I can just muster the strength to keep on fighting... mostly I'll get there. It isn't easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. So this bad period of life WILL pass and things will get better. I just have to be as strong as I can (for me and my beloved man) and we'll get through it.

So what's going well (or at least doing OK) at the moment? Well, I still walk as much as I can (about an hour, maybe an hour and a half every day, and briskly as I can). Great! Give the fat lass a gold star for this.

I'm hanging in there with the training course. Not finding it a walk in the park, but I won't give up and I am putting in a lot of effort. I WILL pass, and to the best of my ability.

Anything else reasonable at the moment? Well, food isn't fantastic (er, hence the weight cycling) but I'm not hitting the binges and not eating rubbish... just still too much of the good stuff. It may not be perfect, but at least I can say that my general eating habits have changed for the better.

So, any other positives to focus on? Of course there must be... just takes a little bit of thinking through.

Yep, there is something else positive to show I haven't descended right back down to the depths of despair, even if it sometimes feels like that. How do I know? I still try to dress nicely. Sounds odd, huh? Well, in my fattest days I didn't give a hoot what I chucked on in the morning - it wasn't going to look nice on me anyway so why bother. Now, I try to dress nicely (OK, clean and tidy, even if not fashionably, anyhow) as much as I'm able. Positive, see?

Other ways I'm still looking after 'me' include good haircuts, every five weeks or so. I don't fight the grey hair (just call it 'distinguished'), but keeping it short and keeping it feminine makes me feel a bit better about myself. I also take care of my teeth now. I know it sounds sort of funny but that makes me feel better too.

I guess the point of this ramble is to say 'hey, I haven't given up'. Whatever is happening in your life now, don't give up either. Things will improve in time... we've just got to get through the hard stuff.

Fitter, but holding steady

OK, let's give you the good news first. The daily dose of walking, rowing and abs work definitely means I feel fitter and a bit more energetic and rather more like my old self. Yippee!

But... oh, and isn't there always a 'but'? But... my weight is pretty much unchanged. Pooh! says the fat lass. OK, being realistic, that isn't too surprising as I've still been eating outside my 'weight loss' zone.

Right, that's the physical side of things. Mentally though, things ain't that grand and I feel like I'm really going through the mill. The stress is ongoing, and has been compounded by some major worries for my darling lovely hubby's health. I won't go into detail but the problem, er... actually problems plural, have sent me into another tail-spin. I've shed more tears and been more shaky and out of control in the last week than for a long time. This has not been good - not good at all.

Once we have some more concrete information to work with about the problems themselves and the possible solutions available, things may be easier to handle. Appointments and tests and all-sorts on the horizon. Wish us well and watch this space.

Thankfully, and I really don't quite know how, I seem to have been able to keep myself away from the really unhealthy snacks (a.k.a. crisps and chocolate), despite my customary response (dare I call it 'old' behaviour yet?) of eating crap until the scary stuff gets hidden. That said I have probably been comforting myself a bit too much with those 'healthier' snacks like fruit and yoghurt. My bread consumption could do with being cut down a bit too. Not perfect behaviour, I know, but better than the alternative.


Well, I'll keep trying and keep at it and keep a good old Blighty 'stiff upper lip' as much as possible. And, showing those grey hairs, as Howard Jones (remember him?) sang way back in the 1980s "Things can only get better". So, here are some instructions for life to think about. Thanks to Anjie for these.