What's occurring?

Blimey! It's December already and nowhere near the start of the month. Deep breath - er, hello world.

I can't imagine there's many out there to remember this rather 'absent' fat lass but, surprisingly, I am still here. If there is anyone left, I can almost hear the question "And where exactly is 'here' these days"?

Well, I'd love to report that all is Yuletide cheer and joy, but reality is not quite along those lines. Let's get the toughest bit out there first. About an age and a half ago, way back in May, which I gather is over half a year back, I wrote:

"My weight is currently 61 kg = 134 lbs = 9 stone 8 lbs. That's more than a stone higher than my 'happy' weight, and an increase of more than 10% of my body weight. Hell, it hurts typing that."

As of the start of the week, my weight is 59 kg = 130 lbs = 9 stone 4 lbs. Oh crap, when you look at it this is not really sterling progress for this time-frame, is it?

Sure I have lost 'some' weight, but it's minimal and has been a damned hard slog, with one step forward, two back (and repeat). Here I am still a kilo above the top of my 'Ideal Weight' range (for my age/height/frame) which is 58 kg = 128 lbs = 9 stone 2 lbs. A long way away yet from my 'Happy Weight' of 54 kg = 119 lbs = 8 stone 7 lbs.

Is this from lack of trying? Well, of course it is partly, as earlier in the year I wasn't truly committed, whatever I thought, so backsliding was commonplace.

However, in the six or so weeks since the end of October I have been putting in a great deal more effort and trying a helluva lot harder, and still my progress is minimal. Some of the strategies that have worked for me in the past don't seem to be cutting it any more.

What am I doing right now? 
Low carb (keto) eating, with just two meals per day.
Intermittent fasting in the form of time-restricted eating. In practice, this is not eating after about 7:30 in the evening until at least 11:00 the next morning, usually longer than this.
Minimising snacks (with chunks of cucumber and mooli being my most common snacking choice).
Remembering to drink water as often as I can, and keeping the alcohol to one glass of something at weekends.
Weighing myself regularly, and checking measurements too.

What am I NOT doing right now? 
Moving my ass. Sadly, my 'new' new job is seriously sedentary and I'm sat on my tush for the vast majority of the day, tied to a computer.
Because there's a lot to get done (jeez, understatement here!) I'm working extra hours so I'm too damn tired to even consider a return to the gym.
Now it's winter I'm not walking to or from work in the cold and dark, and weekend walking isn't too tempting either.
Oh yeah, keeping the stress to acceptable levels - this is so not happening (the new role is... pretty hellish, if I'm honest).
Not getting enough sleep, despite being tired (see stress above), waking frequently, having bad dreams/nightmares and the odd 2 a.m. panic attack.
Ah, and to add to the mix, the continuing effects of coming off HRT are still giving me grief.

What am I proud of?
It's tempting to say "not much" here, but there are some chinks of silver lining to my cloud.
Although my weight isn't much changed, my measurements have reduced and my podgy, padded middle is a shade less overstuffed. I am wearing a pair of work trousers that I could barely get done up a few weeks ago.
I'm also really delighted that having just 'enjoyed' the third of this year's festive celebrations today, I have stayed true to my low carb ideals. No sweeties, or chocolate, or mince pies, etc. for this fat lass (and there have been and still are a wealth of temptations in the workplace!).

What am I pissed off about?
Well, my weight is obviously a major one. What I want to see on the scales and what I do see is not motivating in the least, making this period harder for me than I can say I appreciate.
Getting older doesn't endear itself to me. My darling Mum always said that old age doesn't come alone and she was right - it brings things like dry and sagging skin, dry eyes, aching joints, sleepless nights, health concerns (for me and for loved ones), constipation, and a raft of other fun things.
I'm actually also quite angry about work. I won't go into detail but it isn't exactly what I (or others) had been led to expect.
My other, and possibly biggest, problem is that old faithful, the Black Dog, who is my constant companion at the moment. Here he is again with a rumbling growl, firmly attached to my side, having invited his good mate 'Anxiety' along for good measure.
Things have been pretty rotten in this respect recently. Lovely hubby gently mentioned how concerned he has been about me, and what he said he was worried about really shocked me to the core. More than for myself, I really hate how this crap is affecting him.

So, what's next?
Keeping on doing the good things I'm doing.
Learning to be patient and keep the end goal in mind (now I'm heading for 60 this stuff isn't as straightforward as it was back in my 40s - things take longer).
And, once the darkness of winter begins to lift and work shakes down into a more manageable routine (please Lord!) I will get this flabby bottom moving more. Whether that will involve gym membership, or something else, it's just too soon to say.

Hey ho. Onwards, ever...

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, it appears that Christmas, New Year and Easter have all come and gone, but it's still the season to be... er, brutally honest actually.

You know how when someone disappears from the weight blogging world for a while you kind of wonder whether everything is OK? Oh no, you perhaps think, I hope it hasn't all gone pear-shaped.

Well, since I last wrote something here - way back in May last year - it has. I'm feeling decidedly pear-shaped, and not a little disappointed in myself. In fact, re-reading that post and a few earlier ones makes me realise just how badly things have gone wrong.

Hey kids, let's go to to hell in a handcart!

So, to get back to the title, let's focus on the 'good' for a moment, well... 'good' being a bit of a relative term.

I haven't gained back all the weight I lost. Sounds alright, doesn't it? Well I suppose if one looks for silver linings, this is a microscopically paper-thin sliver of one.

You see, then there's the 'bad'.

OK, I'll just get the worst news out of the way. My weight is currently 61 kg = 134 lbs = 9 stone 8 lbs. That's more than a stone higher than my 'happy' weight, and an increase of more than 10% of my bodyweight. Hell, it hurts typing that.

Worse, this is somewhere I have been for a pretty long time. Up a couple of kg, down a couple maybe, but close to this figure for waaaay too long.

Now, technically, this scary figure is apparently still within some mythical 'Normal Weight Range' BMI band so some might say that it isn't quite an unmitigated disaster yet... but it rather feels like it's headed there.

Oh yeah, while I'm at the 'bad' part, I'll confess that the gym and I appear to have broken up. More of this later.

Which sort of leaves the 'ugly' part?

Alright,let's get down to the rest of it. The results of 'bad' mean that I feel and look flabby and unfit, and my clothes (particularly around my tubby, and rather matronly middle) tell me this is very real.

Huh, how did this happen? Why? Well, of course there are some contributory factors at play - yeah, yeah, aren't there always. This has not helped, but the blame is still squarely on me!

Yes, that's right - the real reason is down to me. That's 100%, as I know full well that I have choices, and appear to have consistently made crap ones.

Probably the biggest factor (a.k.a. excuse) is that I came off HRT a while back. Goodness, it's probably about eight or nine months ago now!

That decision was made after several conversations with my GP about the length of time I'd been on it, risk factors and the like. Mind you, it's a bit like guesswork, as no-one seems to be able to tell me very much that's actually the accurate and copper-bottomed truth when it comes to matters menopausal. Anyhow, a consensus was reached using some arcane formula and off HRT I came.

I'd like to say it was a good decision, but it hasn't exactly gone smoothly (oooh boy, that's putting it mildly).

I've generally felt a bit like a pile of c**p ever since. My joints hurt - it's not just the dodgy knee these days. My skin tone has gone to hell in a handcart. I am back to sleeping poorly, with near-nightly disturbances and a welter of bad dreams and night sweats. I seem to have an almost constant mild, off-colour, slightly achy 'heading for a bug', feeling and the black dog is a regular, if slightly distant companion, sniffing around my ankles once again almost as though he wants me to know he's there but has chosen not to take up full-time occupation...yet.

Those delightful, so-called 'night sweats' are not constrained by the hours of darkness either. My dodgy thermostat has retinstated itself so my temperature regulation has gone haywire once more. I'm shivery cold one minute, but blazing hot the next with an unwelcome return of the human waterfall sessions. Oooh, what fun!

The problem is, I can't 'just go back' to my old HRT medication, even if the medical profession would agree, as it simply isn't available any more. This has not helped, but all of this is still an excuse. The blame for where I am right now weight-wise is still firmly on me!

Exercise next. To begin with, in my 'new' job (which I still love) I'm hardly what you'd describe as active. I'm sat on my expanding tush in front of a screen all day, most days. Quite a difference to just about almost everything else I've done in my former life.

I've also been away from the gym since before October. This is a real problem, as it's not just a matter of weight and shape, but also one of keeping osteoporosis at bay so it's a pretty serious omission.

Yeah, sure, there are lots of reasons for this (a.k.a. excuses, such as being crazy busy in the job for a while so spending lots of hours working overtime, a period of illness, a bloody painful minor injury and the growing collection of painful joints). Sure, all contributed to 'some' of the absences. But the sad truth is, when my once-good habit was broken I let it continue. I haven't got back in the groove - despite having 'tried' a few times (albeit in a rather lacklustre manner).

Hell, it's not even as though I'm doing much walking these days. This not helped, but that weight gain blame is still on me!

And then there's the big one. You know the one I'm about to mention - this is all about food choices. Yes, I have fallen right off the wagon here, not only in 'what' I've eaten, but 'how much' I've consumed and 'when' I've chosen to feed myself.

First off, I dove right in and took the opportunity to indulge in 'treats' of scones and Welsh cakes during our holidays last year (dragging poor lovely hubby along with me for goodness sake). Not a good plan! And guess what? We've just returned from another holiday and we'd indulged even more!

Low carb were these 'treats', you ask? Nope! Not even close, and while we're still eating home-cooked fresh food at home a ketogenic diet is right out of the window. Keto? What keto!

It's taken a toll on me too, as I continually seem to be 'fancy hungry' and craving similar c**p.

Then there is the problem of larger portion sizes than I know are wise. Moderation is NOT my middle name, and I've probably consumed more alcohol than I should have too.

When I've been eating has also slipped off a cliff. Sure, we are still only eating a full meal twice a day generally speaking, and these are relatively healthy meals, definitely hitting a lot more than the 5-a-day guidelines. That said I've slipped back into the habit of taking snacks to work, and nuts have been a killer here.

But it's not just the content - also the fact that the intermittent fasting has taken a hit. As my 'fasting period' has shrunk, so the fat lass has grown. For this the blame is squarely on me!

For a little while I almost got away with it to some extent, gaining a bit then 'being sensible' for a week or so and losing the odd pound or two. Mind you, I never quite got back down to my 'happy' weight, never mind stayed there. The lbs crept slowly upwards, so I think I've been hiding my head in the sand for quite a while.

Worse though, there seems to have been a definite sea-change since Christmas, and what was 'just about acceptable' (who am I kidding?) when I'd reached 57kg (9 stone) crept upwards to 59kg, suddenly leapt up to 62kg, then higher again to 64kg. Yes kiddies, that's over 10 stone in old money! At that point I really got scared and tried to begin to turn things around.

So, where am I now? Well, I may be down a few kilos but I'm still sitting, unhappily, at 61kg. I know that I have to change. I'm struggling with the will to be consistent in changing.

There, that's it. That's the awful truth.

All I can do is keep on trying to get my head back in the game. You know my usual sign-out. Onwards, ever...