Still here, still fighting

And still not giving in....

But, no, it hasn't got any easier I'm afraid - I'm still slipping up way too often, bumping my nose against an increasing number on that blasted scale, then fighting back again to see the needle drop a bit, and so on... ad infinitum, it seems.

OK, so some of those old stresses have indeed dropped away (the fat lass says a heartfelt 'thank you'!), but a few new ones have stepped up to the plate to take their place (like my Mum having a fall at the weekend) so I'm still don't feel like I'm geared up and ready for full-on weight loss efforts.

If I'm honest, just keeping my head above water seems hard enough this year. I don't feel at my best but also don't seem to have the time, or energy, of focus to improve things. You know, I distinctly remember HM the Queen mentioning an 'annus horribilis' a wee while back - hmmm, think I know what she meant.

Anyway, just wanted to say a few encouraging words to some of the lovely people who are also struggling (for whatever their own reasons are) and remind them (and me!) to hang in there. Things can only get better. Honestly!

Keeping things in focus

I haven't really thought about it in this way before, but I think one of my problems over the last six months or so has been the inability to keep sharp focus on several things at one time. My sister refers to this as 'too much going on' and sometimes 'having too many balls in the air' but my geeky science head thinks it's almost as though life has been more like using a microscope.

If you choose to look at an object under a microscope, say a nice little cell (after all, they are enthralling!), you can see, by selecting the correct objective and then adjusting the focus, different parts of the whole, and even go deeper and deeper to get right there to the bit which interests you most. But, you'll soon figure out that using your microscope at high power is rather more of a challenge than using it at lower power, which gives you the bigger picture in your field of view, but you see it in far less detail.

At high magnification, you really have to concentrate to bring that one specific fascinating thing into focus in the first place and then keep that teensy-tiny fine detail in focus. And doing this comes at the expense of all that other interesting stuff in the periphery! It's also all too easy for one tiny nudge to instantly wreck the view you'd carefully worked towards.

Weight loss (or maintenance) and fitness, as I guess we can probably all agree, requires constant mindfulness, concentration, consistency and hard work, so is a bit like using your microscope with high power magnification.

I've mentioned on more than one occasion that there has been (er, still is!) a lot going on in life and it's been this way for a looong while. Family and health concerns have been, and continue to be, a huge worry. Since Christmas, with the onset of those training courses, things got even tougher. There has just been too much in my big picture to get everything in focus at one time.

While my focus should, in an ideal world, have been on looking after 'me', life's priorities were no longer truly mine to assign. There were other things which I was forced to pull into high magnification focus... at the expense of some of the 'peripheral' stuff, however interesting that might be. For much of the time it simply wasn't possible to lower the magnification to cater for that big picture in less detail, so something has to give. I guess it's been my focus on the weight loss and fitness.

I hope that finishing my coursework early (mirabile dictu) will have helped shake off one of those imposed 'fields of view', and that I may now be able to focus more on something of my own choosing. Let's see what happens, eh.

Whatever the case, I'm not giving up!

Getting my head on straight...

OK, so I've made yet another start, and am back to doing the things I know I need to do. And... it's making a positive difference... mentally, at least, even if I'm not seeing too noticeable a difference physically yet.

So far, so good. That 'not giving up' attitude will pay dividends in the end, despite the numerous false starts and hitches. Now I just need to keep at it and remind myself why I need to do this.

Note to self: you want to see the number on the scale go DOWN and your fitness levels RISE. And... you already know the 'how' of it, don't you. Simple, eh?

I can barely believe I'm saying this, but I actually enjoyed my early doors stint on the rower today. Huh? At 5.15 a.m. on a Monday morning, before hitting the road to work? Heck, the sparrows were barely awake. Amazing!

Yes, I'm still pretty tired in general, but my path seems slightly smoother. It may, of course, have something to do with getting my final training course assignment sent off yesterday. Phew! That's another monkey off my back. The other good news was that the presentation last week brought me some very positive feedback, so I'm feeling that those looong hours of hard work and 'lost' weekends were probably worthwhile.

With luck, that's a major stressor out of my way and maybe, just maybe, I'll be in a better position to handle some of the other ones slightly better.... like lovely hubby's health problems.

The thing I'm now really looking forward to is the next bank holiday weekend. It'll be so good to know that I have three whole days free to go to see my darling Mum. No coursework in sight!

It got worse

So the fat lass has been out of touch again and, hey, what do you know?

For all my brave words in the last post, they have not been backed up by 'walking the walk'. Yep, you'll already know the result. Oh boy, it has not been a good couple of weeks.

Those worries haven't gone away and I still feel that life is 'on hold' until we get some news about lovely hubby's health. We've been invited to a wedding in Lebanon next month, which we'd both love to go to, but there's no way we can make it with this op hanging over us. This is not a positive or productive way to be, I know, but I just don't seem able to shake it off.

The long weekend for May bank holiday and the Royal wedding was dreadful. OK, so I had a wonderful day out walking with lovely hubby on the Friday (sorry Wills & Kate), but worked on my mountain of coursework for the rest of the weekend which wasn't so much fun. So I nibbled... and ate badly... and hit the alcohol when I finally knocked off in the evenings... and didn't do any more exercise.

This was old classic behaviour at it's worst... stress = comfort + emotional eating. The killer for me was that it was such gorgeous weather outside (apart from the Friday when we were out, of course) and I bitterly resented being stuck indoors working when every fibre of me was telling me I 'should' have been out in the sunshine. So to 'reward' myself for being so utterly deprived... I was bad, bad, bad.

And the needle on the scales crept up a bit. Sooo, on Monday morning I thought "ooops", and tried to pull myself together and behave (a bit) better during the week. The effort was half-hearted to say the least.

Then last weeked was worse still. This time round I worked very long hours on the coursework both Saturday and Sunday. Tears were shed, the fat lass was moody and depressed and my lovely hubby was in pain (the poor thing's put his back out now!). I ate absolute rubbish and way too much of it (don't even ask about the Chinese takeaway!) and, of course, did nothing which even slightly resembled moving my butt.

So, by the time this Monday morning rolled around, I found myself dog-tired, feeling depressed/stressed, worried about my man, thoroughly fed up, and yes, you've guessed it, heavier once again. This time the scales showed me 63.5kg... that's 10 stone!... a weight I'd hoped I'd never see again.

So... knowing I have to stop this right now, I try again.

Over the last few days things have been a lot better. I'll repeat that - a LOT better.

I've ditched the snacky foods and sweet stuff and alcohol, greatly decreased my portions and cut out a lot of the carbs. And, I've reminded myself to avoid salt! I'm drinking my water with a passion and am nibbling on my raw veggies and fruit. I am recording everything I eat, once again.

I have made myself go out walking as much as possible and am using the stairs, not the lift, at work. I'm not yet back on the rower or doing abs work... but I am (I hope) beginning to dig myself out of the dark, dreary pit into which I had descended again.

I know I 'can' do it.

I know I 'need' to do it.

I have 'started' to do it.

I just need to keep at it!