One (small) step at a time

How are things going with looking after 'me'? Well, a bit better... not teriffic, but certainly better.

I'm drinking a lot more water and have switched to lemon tea, which I'm enjoying a lot more than tea with milk during the day. Salt intake, or care with, is firmly on my radar. I've cut the carbs back quite hard, although there is always room for improvement. Also, food choices and portions are more under control (although I did resort to a sizeable brandy when I eventually made it home last night).

I am back to the rower and some abs work first thing in the morning and will build this up bit by bit. I guess it must be doing me some good as just about everywhere feels just a tad achy. That'll ease though and is a good reminder of just how far into the pit of slothfulness I'd managed to descend. The walking is still fine, although I think it may take a back seat to an expected hectic day tomorrow.

In my head, however, things are not so good. I am really having to be hard on myself and 'make' myself do this at the moment. Picture a sulky child dragging her heels over a trip to the dentist. There is no real sense of motivation (I'm trying to fake it but it isn't actually here) and no real joy in 'doing things right' just now. Again, I'm hoping that, as habits become more settled, that'll change for the better.

Looks like I'm not alone in struggles at the moment. Just read Lynn's post and she seems to be in a similar, not so great, place. If you've some spare motivation and inspiration lurking in a dusty drawer, maybe snap a little off and send just a teensy bit to Lynn and me?

I guess the big difference between 'me' now and the old, obese 'me' is that I know what I need to do and am not stumbling around in the dark trying both to figure out what will work and do to actually do it. Keep going - things can only get better.

A lot on my plate...

Yep, in all sorts of ways (family, work, health, etc.) this statement is true, but...oooh dear.

OK, let's get to it. The scales have jumped up and down a fair bit over the last few weeks. Having only just finished congratulating myself on a minor victory in dropping back to 60kg, the needle leapt up to 62kg overnight! Insert rude word of choice here. The thing is back down a tad this morning, at 61kg, although I'm not altogether happy with this figure still. But, yes, I know it could be worse - a lot worse.

Started writing an 'I'm completely fed up so I'm giving up and taking a break' sort of post a few days ago. I'm sooo glad it didn't make it onto the blog. In a moment of clarity I realised it would have been like a license to gain if I'd really carried it through. And I do not want to go there.

A long hard think revealed that some of this fluctuation and gain would undoubtedly be water retention (need to watch that salt like a hawk). Some of it probably reflects the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should (OK, you know what to do... drink hot water if you can't face it cold). Some of it highlights a recent increased interest in starchy carbohydrates (an autumnal problem, as I think I'm part hedgehog and want to hibernate!). Some of it shows the low dose of exercise I've been taking recently (once again, you know what to do, fat lass). All of these things count.

But, being honest... much of it probably means I haven't quite got my head back to weight-loss portions again and quite simply I'm eating too much. So I have, in another sense too, had a lot on my plate.

So, starting all over again and being mindful of what and how much I eat, today's intake so far has been...
Breakfast - half a small bowl porridge (oatmeal with 1:1 semi-skimmed milk and water), breakfast cup of tea with skimmed milk
Break - the other half bowl of porridge, one clementine and a mug of lemon tea
Lunch - carrot, celery, swede, cauli and broccoli crudites and small pot (c.1-2 tbs) of Greek yoghurt/Marmite dip (eaten half before my walk, and half after). One BIG mug (over a pint) of hot water before walk, another after.

Later will consist of...
Break - small box of pomelo (roughly equivalent to a small orange). One BIG mug of hot water.
Dinner - home-made veggie soup and a restrained approach to the bread! Another BIG mug of hot water.
Then just before bed, maybe a mug of Options hot chocolate drink to get me to sleep.

And exercise?
Not a great night (yet again!) so slept late. Didn't get organised in time for the rower this morning so a long lunchtime walk (c.10,000 steps so far and more to come) and onto the rower tomorrow. Not exactly great but better than nowt!

C'mon, get with it, stick with it and build on it, fatty. Get those calories out > calories in. You know it makes good sense.

Feeling very sheepish and embarassed

Oh well, I suppose I'd better get this over with. It's confession time. Hmmm, the fact that I haven't been here probably suggested that things were not altogether great in weight loss land, eh?

Currently, I am very unhappy with myself and that is putting it as politely as I can. Somehow I seem to have forgotten about taking care of 'me' and have been back to my old foolish ways. OK, it isn't a complete, unmitigated disaster but it is still not really what I would like to be in a position to report. In the last few weeks (since I disappeared off the radar, I guess), I've let my 'sensible' self be tempted into indolence. I have hopped completely off the steep and rocky uphill road to progress and wandered merrily along the pretty, downhill, easy life lanes (er, actually it's rather more like gain lanes) .

It started on our holiday, which was absolutely lovely, when I was not exactly 'good' in terms of what I ate. Mildly careful, maybe, but not really good and certainly not eating in weight loss mode. I only gained a little weight at that stage though and, foolishly, thought I would easily get that shifted. I can almost hear someone thinking 'yeah, right!'.

Problem is, since we've been home I have been extremely busy (work and community things going on seemingly constantly) and I've also been fairly stressed for various reasons so I haven't focused on eating sensibly or in small portions (quite the opposite!) or on doing any exercise other than walking. I haven't been mindful. A rather poor excuse, all this is, but it's the only one I have.

The stoopidest thing of all is that I 'know' doing this will mean I gain weight and lose tone. I can also, sadly, report that during this period of doing the wrong thing rather than the right I haven't felt fit, or strong, or healthy, or energetic, or good about myself. When I'm doing the right thing, I do!

The result was that my weight drifted it's way all the way back up to 61kg and I look flabbier. So what's the big deal? Much as I hate to admit it, that's exactly where I was at the end of September when I issued myself a challenge to get down to 57kg by 15th November. Whilst I've managed to get about a kilo of that gain shifted, with five days to go I think it is pretty clear that this is not now a realistic goal unless I surgically remove one leg!

There's been a lot of grouching and kicking of posteriors in the last day or two. Why on earth, I kept asking, do I do this to myself time and time again. Then I read something that Diana wrote a few days ago which really made me think. I'm a fair way convinced that what she talks about is part of my problem too. That is my weight loss expectations v. reality. I think I've been struggling to come to terms with the fact that my magic 'weight loss' bullet isn't quite a shiny as I'd hoped it would be and, while there have been lots of positives and benefits (and there truly have), shedding flab doesn't solve everything and transform life into the picture perfect existence I think I'd half hoped for. Life still steamrollers us all sometimes, and I need to look for alternative methods to deal with my stresses and worries, whilst continuing to take care of 'me' properly.

Right now though, I need to get my head on straight and claw my way back down the numbers again... as a start, towards the 59kg I'd just managed to achieve before we went away... and then keep on going and get to that target 57kg. Focus fat lass!