More love per square inch!

Steady as she goes?

2012-01-23T14:46:00.002Z

Yep, that sort of sums up the story of where I am at the moment and, in the main, I'm quite happy about that.

Let's go for the pluses first...

My weight is staying pretty steady, although it seems to cycle up and down between 55kg (which is my 'happy' number) and 56kg. I'm not going mad to lose any more weight so am just being careful (and mindful) with what I eat, making sure it's good healthy stuff (a.k.a. veggies aplenty). However, I am allowing myself to eat slightly more than when I've been in full weight-loss mode. So far, this seems to be working out fairly well, although I'm weighing daily to keep an eye on how I'm doing and am primed and ready to jigger with things if they do begin to go awry.

The exercise side of things is going quite well too. I'm rowing and doing a decent set of abs floor exercises six mornings out of seven, and walking near enough every day in addition. Lovely hubby and I have firm plans to re-join our gym at the weekend and I'm thinking positive thoughts about going once again... even though I know it's probably going to make me feel stiff as a board for a few days. As it stands right now though, I'm certainly feeling physically fitter than I have for a wee while. This is good because the menopause seems to have taken a turn for the negative. Bleh!

Mentally... I'm not exactly on an even keel. In recent weeks I've been mopey, tearful, down, irritable, snappy and dog-tired, and I'm guessing that a fair bit of this is hormonal. Oh Lordy, this is beginning to look like the return of Alecto!

I've also been worrying (to extremes!) about all sorts of 'stuff', some of which is made up of valid concerns and some of it is just plain silly things. Unfortunately, my head won't let me differentiate between the two types at dark o' hundred when I'm waking up in a muck sweat yet again and losing precious sleep. This is having a not unexpected knock-on effect on my days and I don't feel like I'm coping well with life in general at the moment.

However, hope is in sight. I've seen my GP and she seemed to think the changes that have happened recently were not much of a surprise (hmmm, just wish she'd warned me so I didn't think I was going doolally again!). Ho hum. Still, I now have a brand new, higher dose version of my HRT pills to start at the end of this cycle. Cross fingers, toes, and whatever else that they'll help, although I know it'll take a little while before things settle down.

In the meanwhile I've just got to try to hang on to my shredded temper and not let it get the better of me, and hang on to the motivation to keep the exercise up and this weight off and not descend into a chocolate flavoured pit of despair. Onwards ever.

No chips!

2012-01-11T15:30:00.000Z

Well, that's done it. The fat lass now cannot put any weight back on. It's official!

Why not? I've just come back from picking up my wedding and engagement rings. I've had them re-sized so that I cannot lose them (they fell off a couple of times before Christmas and that scared me rigid). This means I have to stay at the size I am now.

No bigger than this... ever.. so from now on, no chips!

I guess this may seem like it's only a fairly little thing, having a couple of rings altered. No big deal at all, I can almost hear you thinking. But hey, just wait a minute... the implications of this are way, way more far-reaching than a couple of pieces of jewellery, however precious, lovely or valuable they may be.

Just like my original hugely important decision as to whether I would get married again (this time to my darling lovely hubby and it's a decision I've never regretted for a nanosecond), this is a very serious undertaking indeed to me. In my mind it is another deeply thought-through and unbreakable lifetime commitment... this time to myself.

Actually going ahead and having my rings made permanently smaller (as this cannot be undone) acts a tangible and visible sign of my dedication to keep this weight off. I truly cannot go back to my old ways, and I'm finally ready to commit to that.

I'd guess you could say this is quite some milestone!

And, as to those chips, well I'm only half serious. I've always said that I'd never actually outright ban any food. After all, it'd likely make me want it more. So they're still on the menu, just in small and infrequent portions, with a bit of mindfulness and thought before I go ahead and choose them.

Get it on!

2012-01-10T11:52:00.000Z

No, I'm not banging gongs and turning into a female Marc Bolan, that's just my little reminder message to me.

But it seems like a great time to set myself a new goal. Not a New Year's resolution, but a nice target to aspire to. I'm talking about a certain pair of pale blue, stonewashed jeans which I bought a looooong time ago as a 'target' garment. These are jeans that are almost... but still not quite... wearable in public. It's these I'd really rather like to 'get on'.

They are a pair of Levi 529 Women's Curvy Boot Cut Jeans which, supposedly, were designed to fit 'curvier' ladies, i.e. those without that boyish look, but with larger hips than waist. They are a size 27" waist which, in theory,should now be too big for me (as my 'waist' is smaller than that), but... er, aren't!

Too big for me, huh? These teensy, tiny things? C'mon, I'm nearly laughing my socks off here. Hmmm, you see, that 'waistband' doesn't actually sit anywhere near 'my' waist but a fair way further south. Sort of neatly over the podgy bits, hence the reason I haven't been able to wear them... yet.

Sure, I can get them around the old carcase relatively easily (e.g. with little to no swearing, and without laying back on the bed and tugging madly). The zip does up, all the way, without too much effort. But... and this is a pretty significant 'but', I'm going to need to reduce the general flubberiness (is that a real word?) around belly rather more before I'll venture out of the privacy of my boudoir with them on.

Better tone is definitely needed as, right now, my carefully cultivated collection of loose skin and remaining fat sort of bunches up above the waistband in a none too attractive fashion. Under a loose sweatshirt or heavy-weight top the jeans'd be just about acceptable, but with a tee-shirt? Er, nope! I'm really not a fan of the distinct (if somewhat poorly-baked) muffin top!

My plan though, as they are quite a thinnish denim, is to wear them in the late spring/early summer. This means shedding a bit more of the fat lass stuffing, and toning up the muscles which are there (truly!) underneath. So, how is this going to happen?

I've already mentioned weight targets (and heading in the right direction) and the rowing this year, and that's building up nicely. I also flagged up an intent to 'do something' about those abs and I'm pleased to report that work started on that yesterday morning. An easy 'in' so far, but with a plan to build up to bigger and better as soon as I can.

Yesterday, when I intended to post this, I was going to say "I feel OK at the moment, but have a sneaky feeling that I may be a tad sore later". I can happily report this morning that I was right. I am a wee bit sore. Must be doing something right then!

I've made a start and am happy to say it wasn't too much of a shock to the system. Onwards ever.

A 'hey, what?' sort of day

2012-01-05T08:11:00.000Z

I had an interesting afternoon yesterday, all told. An ex-colleague, who I haven't seen for a couple of years, came in to visit and her reaction as she walked into the office came as quite a shock to me.

To cut a long story down a bit, her jaw dropped and she couldn't stop looking at me. Call me stoopid, but this was just after lunch so my first thought wasn't anything to do with weight at all, but whether I had a seed or spinach or something stuck in my teeth.

However, the last time she saw me, although I'd already lost a considerable amount of weight, I was probably somewhere near two stone heavier than I am today. I guess that makes quite a noticeable difference, or it certainly seemed that way.

It's funny, but unless I look back at old photos I kind of forget how I used to look. I don't really 'see' what I look like and very often still think of myself as not much different. On some days I still see 'me' as a fairly chunky sort of fat lass. Strange how we perceive ourselves, eh?

Then later on, another colleague popped in to say a quick a 'Happy New Year' and the subject of weight gain and loss came up again. Oh dear, it didn't go well. He was decidedly unhappy about starting the year with a noticeably larger mid-section than he liked (having enjoyed the Christmas break to the full) and turned to me, almost aggressively, demanding to know why I hadn't gained too. He seemed to think it just wasn't fair.

I bit my tongue a wee bit, but did (gently) mention that, to some extent, I had taken reasonable care with what I ate. I also mentioned that I hadn't come away completely unscathed by Christmas but had done something about it a.s.a.p. on seeing the small rise... before it could get worse. Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say and I probably should have kept my big mouth shut altogether.

He proceeded to inform me that 'I didn't understand' and that 'of course' he couldn't lose weight because his wife cooked so beautifully and so he 'had to' eat her meals. Obviously her fault then, poor love. Hmmm, this is a gentleman I see with cake or biscuits most mornings.

Ho hum, sometimes it just isn't worth extending the conversation though... taking horses to water comes to mind. I'm afraid I took the coward's way out and left it there.

Ch.. ch.. ch.. changes

2012-01-03T10:48:00.000Z

Well, here we are, beginning another year, and ringing in those changes. Boy, but they do seem to shoot past ever more rapidly these days, don't they? Hmmm, I guess this means my grey hairs are showing and reminding me of my own advancing years, which is no bad thing. In the same way, policemen have begun look ever so young to me these days... wink!

This Christmas hasn't been a bad one at all though, and I'm really pleased that both lovely hubby and I were fairly careful and have emerged at the far end relatively unscathed in the avoirdupois department. So, to start 2012, I thought it might be useful to take a wander through a personal 'New Year review', looking at my past, my present (and maybe sneak a peek at hopes/plans for the future).

Being the fat lass in Jan 2007 (before starting weight loss) was not a happy place to be following the Christmas festivities. Whilst I couldn't have told you my exact weight (or maybe just didn't want to recognise or admit to it) I knew I'd indulged with a passion and gained again, and I was really very obese, weighing in at near enough 16 stone. Near as I can tell, I think I weighed somewhere in the region of 100 kg or 220-ish lbs at that stage, probably a little more. But, as part of my general 'denial', I refused flatly to have a scales in the house. Needless to say, this weight didn't do a lot for my health and was also not a great look when you are, like me, a fairly small-boned five feet four inches!

Mostly because of various health fears, I started getting serious about turning my life around in the summer of 2007. It was a big (for this read huge!) effort, but I had made considerable progress by the time Christmas rolled around. Still a pretty large lady (OK, if I'm honest I was still obese), by Jan 2008 I'd managed to shed a fair chunk of my fat suit and was down to 85kg or 187 lbs (13 stone 5 lbs).

By Jan 2009 I was no longer obese, merely 'overweight' on the BMI charts, and that was a very much better place to be. By then I'd lost a lot more weight and was down to 75kg or 165 lbs (11 stone 11 lbs). I was still learning lessons the hard way, and taking my eye off the ball had given me an unwanted gain over the season of jollities so I was none to happy about that at the time.

And then by the time Jan 2010 came around, I was a 'normal' BMI for the start of a new year for the first time in a loooong while. I started the year weighing 64kg or 141 lbs (10 stone 1 lb). It's safe to say that my life had changed dramatically by this point, although I still had to do battle with myself on a regular basis and had a lot of struggles. Things had improved a lot, but temptations still tripped me up pretty darned easily.

Jan 2011 saw me safely within that 'normal' BMI band at 60kg or 132.27 lbs (9 st 6 lbs), and having managed to lose a little weight over the festive period. A very nice present that was too. However, I wasn't in top form and still didn't feel I was making the progress I wanted to or that I was quite where I wanted to be. You see, I was still learning new lessons.

And now we come to the present. I've already mentioned that I did put a pound or so on over the Christmas break. Grrr, but I've hit Jan 2012 in the way I intend to continue. As soon as I realised that I'd gained I got back to being serious and have managed to shake it off. As of this morning I'm safely back under my nine stone 'aaaaargh!' line by a couple of pounds and headed back towards where I've decided I would like the scales needle to sit as a general rule, at 55kg or 121.25 lbs (8 st 9 lbs). It's less than lovely hubby thinks reasonable, but this seems a good weight to be for the fat lass.

But even now, after four and a half years of weight loss committment, is my journey over? Er, nope! Am I still learning? You betcha!

As planned, I'm back on the rower in the mornings (and will build up gradually), and I'm definitely walking whenever I can grab a moment, but it's high time those flabby abs had some attention again. As the weight loss part of my journey takes more of a back seat, and I've a bit of spare grey matter to concentrate my attentions on other things, 2012 is to be the year things get a wee bit better toned.

So, have a great 2012, and onwards ever...

Weight Gain Nil? Er, not quite.

2011-12-28T17:22:00.000Z

Oooh, wouldn't it be lovely to report that no weight was gained at all over the Christmas period? Unfortunately, that hasn't quite happened over this year's festive season although we've been 'fairly' sensible so the damage isn't too excessive.

We spent Christmas with my darling Mum, who is in her nineties, and had a wonderful time together. I do wish we lived closer to her as we both love spending time with her, taking care of her and doing what we can to make her comfortable and happy. Ah well, I guess it could be worse - at least we're only a few hours drive away (unless you count the time spent in that 'car park' which is the M25 London Orbital!).

As ever, whilst we were with her, part of our strategy was to find a variety of appealing and high-calorie foods to tempt her. Keeping sufficient weight ON her tiny frame is a major headache! That meant our meals too were not exactly a picture of weight-loss ideals. And, aside from running up and down stairs and generally looking after her and her surroundings, we didn't get a great deal of exercise either.

Still, we both made the best choices we could (most of the time) and watched our portion sizes. That's not to say we didn't nibble the odd treat, especially if it meant we could get Mum to eat a little more too, but we did keep it to a minimum. This means the good news is that both lovely hubby and I came home carrying only a pound or two more flubber (between us) than we set off with. All in all, not a bad way to approach the New Year, methinks.

Speaking of the New Year and resolutions and so forth... we have both come up with the same plan. This is to get our bottoms moving rather more than we have done of late. To heck with waiting for January 1st 2012 though - we've started already! Both of us have been pretty active today, I'm intending to get out and about in the (mild) winter air tomorrow and on New Year's Eve we plan to go for a good long walk together.

Next comes the rower! Now that the recent health issues seem to be taking a back seat (at long last), it's high time we got back to our morning rowing stints. So, we've made each other a firm promise that we'll get back to it. We won't go crazy though, we'll start slowly and gently and work our way back up to our full sparrow-cough a.m. sessions again. We've missed it. Given our history of obesity and slothfulness, how lovely it is the to be able to start a brand new year saying that !

OK, we're at the very gates of Christmas...

2011-12-23T09:13:00.001Z

So I just want to say to everyone that it's now down to us. We can either say 'to hell with it', overindulge and regret it in January, or we can do those little things for ourselves and our health which help limit the damage while still enjoying the festivities.

I'm going to try for the latter...

Have a great Christmas and see you in 2012... which I just know is going to be a GOOD year.

Food, festivities and coping strategies

2011-12-13T10:33:00.000Z

Ooooh, it's that wondrous time of year again. The eat, drink and be merry brigade are getting into full swing and exhortations to have 'just a small mince pie' are coming along thick and fast. However's a fat lass to cope, eh?

Well, I never was a boy scout (for some fairly self-evident anatomical reasons) but, these days, I do believe in 'being prepared'!

In the bad old days, this joyous season would begin and, well in advance of any actual event, my inner child would excitedly plan what she was going to be able eat, and drink, and treat herself with, and induldge in. She looked forward to all the foodie delights she could imagine (oooh - crisps, little savoury pies, sherry, mixed nuts and a whole tin of Quality Street to nibble - wheeee!). She'd also very carefully avoid even the slightest consideration of potential horrors to come in the New Year, when the scales reported just how enthusiastically she'd embraced the festivities. After all, this was Christmas!

Not any longer! I've finally learned that the 'moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips' statement can and does apply to me too, not just to a nebulous 'someone else'. I also keep reminding myself of just how hard I've had to work to claw my way down to my current weight from my previous unhappy obesity.

So, before the season gets fully under way, a Baldrick-style cunning plan is required, and it has to have several components...

First is that whole 'awareness' thing.

It's oh so important to really 'think' about what is on offer. Whatever it is, what might the benefits of consuming it be? They might be nutritional I guess, but more often they can be social - fitting in with a peer group, e.g. workmates, can be pretty important. But.... don't forget - 'social compliance' can still be achieved, you can just choose your own terms.

Benefits are only one thing though, The other side of the golden foil-wrapped chocolate coin is the downside. So, cultivating a keen awareness of just how many calories there can be in the usual Christmas offerings can really help. An example - that single 'small mince pie' can deliver a whopping 260 calories! (some of these derive from up to 40g of sugars.and nearly 9g of fat)... and that's before we even get to the brandy butter! And as to some of the other common seasonal specialities - be prepared ahead of time. Look 'em up.

Then there's excuses, excuses! With those downsides in mind, I also get my 'oh, no I couldn't' phrases off-pat and well practiced in advance. It's so much easier that way than getting caught on the hop, completely unprepared. The little excuses can vary, from 'oh how lovely, but I've only just eaten' to 'I'd love to join you in a glass, but I'm driving', to... well, I'm sure you can come up with a few more.

So you find that you can't avoid an event based around food? Well, another thing I try to do, when I know about it in advance, is to reduce the temptation to stuff by not arriving at Christmas 'do's hungry. An apple and a glass of water about half an hour before I set off can reap rewards!

Then, once I set eyes upon the tasty treats on offer at the inevitable buffet, I employ another little strategy. I try to pile up my plate with the veggie decorations (e.g. salad leaves) first, to leave less room for the calorific stuff. There's no need to refuse absolutely everything but, for keeping those portions well under control, this is a big, big help.

And if, like this week, it happens to be a sit down multi-course meal, I'll adjust what I eat for the rest of the day (or days either side). A smaller breakfast and minimalist lunch, and a brisk walk wherever possible, will all help a bit.

This one's not the easiest thing for me to do but... socialising a lot and engaging in witty conversation to keep my mouth and brain occupied, and to cut down the available time for indulging myself, is on the cards too. Dance, if there's a chance to do so, fat lass. Enjoy that party in a positive way. This is not a time to sit in the corner and act the wallflower.

Something I've been told but not consciously tried out yet (although this week will see the trial!), is to wear something which is just on the fringes of uncomfortably tight around the middle. That way you should be less inclined to fill your tummy with unnecessary food and drink and less likely to sit down and munch (keeping moving, even if just a little, is a good thing). To this end, I'll be wearing a velvet dress with a closely-fitting boned (not stretchy!) bodice later this week.

So the season will be jolly and I'll still enjoy it. I won't go mad and I will try to help myself wherever I can. This January (unlike some previous ones) may not see the screams and howls of absolute horror when I step onto the dreaded scale, but if I do still put on a pound or two, so be it. One thing I do know now - I'm quite determined that it won't stay there for long!

There's no escape...

2011-12-06T15:39:00.000Z

Oh hiss, spit, pooh, wobbly bottoms and other rude words of choice.

I thought I was managing to evade the dreaded seasonal bugs really well, given that:

lovely hubby was off for a few days with a really grotty bug, and is still up at night coughing like heck
my colleague (who sits next to me) has been off for almost a week (with something snotty, feverish and similar)
any journeys on public transport at the moment sound like a day's outing for the consumptive society, echoing to the jolly sound of coughs, sneezes and nose-blowing

Unfortunately, and despite trying the usual manic hand-washing, scarf over face ploy and trying a 'cold defence' nasal spray (a.k.a. 'a bit of a con'), the damned thing has found me.

Felt OK (well, mostly) up until last night, although there were signs that something was going on - a fetching set of cold sores, mostly. Immune system's fighting the good fight, but not entirely on the winning team, eh?

But... those little men with hammers set up in my head overnight, and then joined forces this morning with the chappies who sandpaper throat linings for a living. The crew responsible for turning a fat lass into a human waterfall turned up late this morning so it's a case of Kleenex 'r us at the moment. Dontcha just love the 'Rudolf' effect of constant tissue use? Ever so Christmassy, it is. Bah! Humbug!

The silver lining (and believe me, I've really had to hunt for this) is that nothing, nope, not even my beloved chipotle chillies, tastes right through the lovely coating on my tongue, so my interest in comestibles is nearing zero. Yeah, yeah, I know all that baloney about 'feeding a cold', and I'm not starving myself, but overindulgence on seasonal treats holds no appeal right now. Ah well, I guess it helps out with maintenance.

Onwards and...

Aaaah, the dressing up box!

2011-12-01T16:49:00.000Z

I'm sure you'll know the one I mean. That box at the back of Mum's wardrobe stuffed full of old clothes for 'pretend'. Beautiful colours, luxurious textures and a pair of Mum's old stilettos which, although way, way, way too big for you, made you feel like a princess teetering along in them. Wasn't it a fabulous feeling to try something out of the box and feel great!

Childhood days came to an inevitable end and, especially in my fattest days, I quite lost any sense of delight in trying on clothes. To be frank, no matter what the garment, however luxurious, in my mind at least, my obesity overwhelmed it. I cannot remember looking in the mirror and feeling pretty, or ladylike, or fun, or anything positive at all. No matter if lovely hubby said 'you look nice', I felt inadequate, and usually like a big, unsightly lump.

You know the worst part? I kind of thought that was just a pretty normal thing in life. Yep. I thought it was 'normal' for a woman (me) to try on/buy clothes and feel unattractive. Sure I knew that my weight did me no favours, and tried to hide/mask/disguise it in lots of ways, but I couldn't see past it (yeah, quite literally sometimes!) to the fact that this wasn't the case for everyone. Somehow, a simple pleasure in life was missing and I didn't even see that.

There have been lots of positive reasons for losing the weight I have done, and I've mentioned a fair few in the past. Still, and always, the biggest benefit of all has been to my health, but I'll now add another one....

I have regained a little of that childish delight in the dressing up box. I now find pleasure in trying on clothes once again. Some of them look nice, some truly hideous, but the pleasure in trying on 'something new', even when I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of buying it has returned. That's really, really nice, and it can give me a little boost when things get tough in other ways.

(and yes, I used to dress up my doggie too - he was very patient, bless him)

Support for...

2011-11-28T15:58:00.000Z

Hell, how can I say I've got worries! What I need to remember is some of the people I know who are having a REALLY tough life at the moment.

A childhood friend from my old church at home, with two young sons, who has been recently diagnosed with a nastily aggressive cancer.
A dear friend from work, who's having a lot of problems with a husband I view as emotionally manipulative, cruel and abusive.
Blogland friends (Diana and Sara, this is for you), both of whom have had, or are having, a very tough time for personal reasons.

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it...there but for the grace of God...

Wintery veg delights

2011-11-25T12:16:00.000Z

Ooooh, I do love my veggies, and in the summer will eat raw veg just about every day, and a lot of cooked veg too. But what about the colder months when a simple salad somehow doesn't seem quite so appealing? It can quickly get expensive when many of the ingredients are out of season and it simply doesn't 'warm the cockles' of you.

I may, quite by accident, have happened upon an answer! Yes, turning the veg into a nice healthy soup is one solution (if you'll pardon the pun), but cooking inevitably reduces the nutritional content a little bit, and eating it with a big hunk of crusty bread just gets oooh sooo tempting sometimes.

So there I was, stumbling about half asleep this morning, getting my cherry tomatoes out of the fridge and cutting up winter veg crudites (carrots, cauliflower, broccoli stalks, celery) to have for lunch with my usual dip of Greek yoghurt and Marmite, without a huge amount of enthusiasm, when I noticed the pot of chipotle chilli paste. Hmmm, now that looks like it'd give me a dose of heat, but maybe not with the yoghurt.

So, a spoonful of leftover houmous (leftover because it was store-bought and terminally b-l-a-n-d!) was mixed with a good healthy dollop of chipotle paste and some chopped coriander for a quick and dirty dip. Wheeee, I can tell you one thing for sure... it IS warming! And it makes my winter veg crudites taste fabulous.

Back on the right road

2011-11-24T08:19:00.000Z

You may have gathered I've been fretting and worrying and stressing quite a bit recently. Sleep, or at least a proper night of it, has seemed rather elusive and I have been getting more tired and run down by the day over the last few weeks. At any time I've half exected to be hit by an enthusiastic and opportunistic bug looking for a new home.

Thankfully, that hasn't happened (hooray!) and my 'OMG' period seems to have reached a limit, and is starting to come to an end.I feel so much more 'normal' again and life definitely looks better.

Believe it or not, a somewhat tacky song has been a great help to me. It's been playing over and over in my head for days, but hasn't driven me mad - quite the opposite, in fact. In particular, the following lines have made me stop, reflect and try to put my worries into perspective:

In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

So, this post is by way of a little 'thank you' to Bobby McFerrin.

You are what you eat...

2011-11-17T12:18:00.000Z

Ah, those cute little proteins - is there another good reason to stock up?

Seriously, I guess we are pretty much all aware that choosing protein-based food sources can be a helpful thing for weight loss, as long as they are also low in fat that is.

After all, high-protein foods move relatively slowly from your stomach to intestines, so by choosing a sensible amount of protein as part of your meal you'll tend to feel fuller for longer. What's more, protein has a nice steady-as-it-goes effect on blood sugars (as opposed to some carbohydrates, particularly the more processed varieties), helping to avoid rapid rises followed by the 'I'm hungry and I want to nibble' slump. Even better, the body apparently has to use up more energy (thus burn more calories) to digest protein than it does to digest fats or carbohydrates.

But research recently published in the journal Neuron adds a little something else to this...

It appears that a meal/snack incorporating amino acids (the building blocks of proteins) prods little cells in our bodies called orexin cells into action. Why does this matter? Well, these orexin cells stimulate wakefulness (making us feel less dopey and more alert) and, more importantly from a weight loss perspective, they also instruct the body to burn calories.

To quote the researcher, Dr Denis Burdakov, from the University of Cambridge, "For now, research suggests that if you have a choice between jam on toast, or egg whites on toast, go for the latter! Even though the two may contain the same number of calories, having a bit of protein will tell the body to burn more calories out of those consumed."

For more information see 3pm slump?

OK then, having been given another reason to choose some 'good' proteins to munch on I'd say that reduced fat cottage cheese may make even more of an appearance at lunchtimes than it has up to now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I may just pop off and boil myself a nice egg.

Stop stressing!

2011-11-15T10:26:00.001Z

Yep, fat lass, that means you!

I don't know why you are waking in the night at oh-dark-hundred fretting about stuff, but you really need to stop. It's high time to focus on the positive stuff and push the worries off to the side. This would not be a great time to come unglued.

Good news no.1 - lovely hubby is making good progress and does NOT need you fussing about like a mother hen!

Good news no. 2 - your weight is under control. You haven't over-indulged, resorted to chocolate, hit the bottle or anything else destructive up to this point so stop worrying about it.

Good news no.3 - lovely hubby's weight, blood sugar and diet are all under control and he's serious about keeping it that way. Again, stop the overprotective stuff!

Good news no.4 - it's dry and sunny outside, meaning walking in the autumn leaves should be an absolute pleasure. Get out there and enjoy it while you can. We have been granted an unexpected respite from winter so make the most of it.

Good news no.5 - it Brussels sprout season. That means yummy time!

Goal weight?

2011-11-11T08:24:00.000Z

Sorry - this is a long one!

Hmmm, I suppose that, one of these days, I'd probably best decide upon one. Don't know about you, but for me this concept has been quite a moving target over the years... the idea of setting and achieving a 'final' goal weight.

When I first started out on this journey to life (not a diet, remember!) the fat lass was one very chubby bunny indeed. No, let's call that particular spade what it is - I was seriously obese. I had lied, even to myself (er, especially to myself?), about how heavy I'd become, and the prospect of any significant or permanent weight loss seemed almost beyond my ability. Hell, at that point I'd have been pretty grateful just to put some kind of halt to the ever progressing gains!

Back then, in 2007, I had made my decision that I needed to 'do something', but was still a bit unsure how to go about it. It was a work in progress, and I expected to have to jigger with what I was doing. I didn't really have a totally clear plan or a defined goal or end-point in mind. I just knew I wanted to not be so fat and I knew I wanted to improve my health.

In those early days, in a lot of ways, I just could not get my head beyond a rather nebulous 'er, let's just see what I can do' mentality, with the ever present worrying rider of '...if I can do anything at all'.

Once I had started to see a bit of progress, and then decided to consult a dietician at my local GP surgery (more to keep me accountable than for practical advice, if I'm honest), this crystalised a wee bit more and expanded slightly to become a plan to lose 10% of my body weight so I would reap some recognisable health benefits.

OK, job started - and we nailed that one. The next logical target was to work towards losing 10% more... and so I did. Thus it went, with my weight moving downwards in 'manageable' bites.

I'd like to say the weight came off steadily over time, but progress was interspersed with odd patches of statis and the occasional backsliding rise when life hit me with an obstacle or two. However, a series of mini-targets were set along the way, which helped a lot. The sort of thing I mean is... to reach a certain BMI, a certain weight, to reach a particular number of pounds lost, to get to a specific waist measurement, to fit into a specific clothes size. All played their part and each mini-goal reached was celebrated.

Thing is though, throughout this, I never really had an unshakable end-point in mind. For a long time I kind of hoped I'd end up being able to wear UK size 14 clothes. That seemed like it would be a nice place to be. After all wasn't the gorgeous Marilyn Monroe a size 14? But what that would be in pounds or kilos? Who knew.

Fitness also became more of a priority. From a dedicated fat lass to whom exercise was a word that, once uttered, meant washing one's mouth out with soap, I moved on to actually 'enjoying' some forms of exercise! But a final goal weight? Nah, couldn't even contemplate pinning a number on that one.

And now the fat lass finds herself here, in today's differently shaped world, but uncertainties still remain. Actually, I think you could probably read this as 'a small amount of panic ensues'!

You see, having set myself some further targets in recent times, notably to do something about my remaining 'unsatisfactory' bits by getting down to less than 58kg... and staying there. I'm happily weighing in at below that mark and have been for a few weeks. In fact, my weight is, currently, pretty stable at just above 56kg.

That begs my first question... so am I done?

Inner panic now speaks up for herself (having never truly expected to be placed in this surprising?... unlikely?...even onerous? position) saying something along the lines of - hey, just hold on a minute, woah there, I can't make that decision yet! Maybe I should be at 55kg, or 54kg, or even something silly like 50kg? Heck, I just don't know. How am I supposed to decide stuff like this when I don't know the rules?

I have voiced the opinion before that what I'm actually on is a LIFETIME's journey which will never be over. Does setting a 'final' goal figure into that? If so, how?

And the big question I started with is still here to be answered - what IS my final goal weight? Do you know, I STILL couldn't tell you!

This weight loss business cannot go on forever, I know, but is that OK? Is it time to stop here and concentrate on holding fast where I am now? Or, should I have (or have had) a definite weight in mind, move to that and then stop? Is not having this 'end point' in mind a healthy way to be?

I can't answer those questions myself so I'll throw them open - what do you think?

As a bit of an aside, and judging by the current picture having shed another chunk of unwanted weight, one thing has become pretty clear to me. That belly flap I dislike so much is here to stay. So, I guess I'll just have to suck it up (and suck it in!) and get over it.

Even if I were to lose another stone (or two, or more!) I'd almost certainly still have the sticky out belly flap I've been worrying about. It is mostly loose skin and that isn't going to magically disappear. Being rid of it just isn't a viable proposition at all and trying to do so, frankly, doesn't seem a sensible plan. I guess it's slightly smaller, so that's quite enough of the moaning and mithering.

Progress

2011-11-04T15:14:00.000Z

There's a good reason for my being absent. My darling lovely hubby had another major operation on Tuesday, the second in three months, and things have been rather hectic with trips back and forth to the hospital, some twenty odd miles away.

I'm delighted to say that I now have my darling back home from hospital and, although it has been a rough few days, I'm actually very pleased, not only with this but with 'me' too.

Hey, maybe it wasn't too late to teach this old dog a new trick or two. Given the circumstances, I've been sensible... despite being somewhat(!) stressed. I've eaten reasonably healthily and walked as much as I could for exercise. The result of this is that my weight has stayed stable at just a fraction below 58kg.

As to lovely hubby... well, things are getting better, albeit slowly. Up to this morning I was very worried about him indeed as he seemd so knocked back after the op. This morning, although there's a long way to go until he's over the worst of it, he looks a little better. He is desperately tired and still in some discomfort, but I have my man back. When he speaks, he's making more sense, and I have him eating a little now so he should start to gain strength from good foods.

All in all, I'd say this is progress.

Life's ups and downs

2011-10-30T11:12:00.001Z

OK, this is not really what I wanted to write when I returned, but because it cannot all be doom and gloom I'll start with something nice.

Lovely hubby and I went out for a meal yesterday, in lieu of our birthday meal (er, more of that later). I had an onglet steak for the first time (thank you very much for offering it, Hotel du Vin) and it was fabulous. I'm a real carnivore by choice - a steak hound, with my usuals being either rump or rib eye, for both flavour and texture. For me, there's no point having fillet, although I know a lot of people differ.

Well, my medium-rare onglet was amazing. It was a little more on the rare side than medium, if I'm honest, but that suits me just fine. If it could, it would have hopped off my plate and cantered around the room for a while before settling back down for yours truly to enjoy. Beautifully seared on the outside, full of meaty, almost gamey, flavour and with a gorgeous colour and texture, it was a serious treat! It came with some lovely hand cut chips (yes, I did eat some but not all) and a grill butter. The latter amazed me. I've never eaten butters of any kind with my steaks as I've always figured they detract from the meat, but made an exception for this one. It was laced with pink peppercorns, anchovies, juniper berries, parsley and lemon and was incredible, really enhancing the flavour of the steak.

The not so good stuff is what lies behind our original birthday meal not happening quite as planned. There we were, away on holiday in our lovely remote location, but my darling lovely hubby had a problem. After just a day or so, we ended up spending time at the local hospital to find we had to cut our break short and return home. Not going into great detail, but he's had a serious setback after the operation he had in August and needs major surgery pronto.

So, surgery Mk II will happen first thing on Tuesday, with his fantastic surgeon from August back at the helm... thank heavens! Wish her (the surgeon) and him luck.

A well deserved break

2011-10-20T11:33:00.004+01:00

Well, I won't be around for a while.

I'm off for a well deserved, relaxing break with my darling lovely hubby. Yes, we'll eat some nice things, but we won't go mad and we will do as much walking as we can in the lovely fresh (chilly?) air.

It's really nice to be going away having met the target I set for myself. More work will ensue when I get back though!

Out of breath

2011-10-18T08:07:00.005+01:00

Hmmm, Friday was a day to remember in a lot of ways. Celebrations, appointments, oh... and getting stopped by the police.

Er, no, it wasn't because I'd done anything bad... but because the driver of the taxi I was in was a bit naughty and didn't get away with it. He also left the meter running while he was being booked and I had no time to complain as, by then, I was running mega-late for a hospital appointment - dammit!

The weekend was good - dragged ourselves out of bed on Saturday for a frosty walk in the park while it was still dark, and decided against a greasy spoon bacon sarnie to celebrate!

I also got myself out of breath because I decided to see how far I could push things on the rower. The answer was, quite a way, although maybe not quite as far as I'd hoped. I more than doubled my usual time and pushed it as hard and fast as I could (oooh, I felt that later), just to see what I could do. Unfortunately, after about fifteen minutes of hell for leather rowing, I found my breathing just couldn't keep up. I almost fell off the thing when I finally decided enough was enough.

Time to test my peak flow again (after I'd recovered) and, guess what? It has indeed dropped down towards crappy levels again. OK, one step forwards, one backwards. Keep at the inhaler and see how things go.

No further weight loss to report but I'm OK about that.

Bleh!

2011-10-13T16:21:00.002+01:00

No real reason for it, but today is just a 'bleh' sort of day.

Woke with absolutely no enthusiasm for it, but pushed my backside onto the rower anyway. So far, so good. Didn't want breakfast so brought it into work to eat later. It was just OK... not my usual response to lovely hubby's beautiful porridge.

Went out and walked at lunchtime but it was a miserable experience. It was damp and drizzly and there seemed to be a gazillion people getting in the way. Hey, you lot, have I gone invisible or something? For heaven's sake, I'm wearing a bright red top! Picked at lunch when I got back and left most of it in the fridge for tomorrow.

There've been a series of irritating work problems. Nothing big, just irritating. They haven't done much to improve my 'bleh' mood. I know I can't be Mrs Sunshine every damned day, but this one? Frankly, I'll be happy to see the back of it!

Improvements

2011-10-11T10:17:00.000+01:00

Well, after promising myself that I would, I did indeed bite the bullet last night and re-measured my peak flow.

I've felt a bit hesitant to do so as I'm still coughing (and shifting some less than pleasant gunk) from the bug and my breathing somehow doesn't feel 'right', even now. I guess the asthma can't be quite back under control just yet. But, I knew I'd have to see where I was at some point, so out came my snazzy little meter and I gave it a go.

Fabulous! I was delighted to find that my PEF has improved quite substantially after just a couple of weeks on the rower and stepping up the walking. It's back up to an average 430 l/min, from that rather frightening 370 l/min. OK, that is still a tad on the lowish side from my previous 'good' levels, but we're getting there.

I'm pretty relieved, to be honest. Given that I've been using two inhalers daily for ages (although the reliever isn't coming out as much now) I was quite worried about my previous readings. I had visions of having to go back to the GP and, probably, onto different, or more, medication. That's something I dread, however unreasonably.

Don't get me wrong - I am very well aware that there are a lot of people whose asthma is on a whole different severity scale to mine (which is pretty mild, really), but it is something I find scary. Can't figure out why.

But... if I can keep up the exercise efforts, and see some more improvements by myself, then that may be a way off yet. Who knows, I may even be able to get to the stage that I won't need to use that preventer... again!

A quick aside - there's another improvement too, and it's one from which I benefit. That is an improvement to my lovely hubby's health and fitness. He's rowing in the mornings too (building up times and rates gently like me) and he's eating sensibly. He has lost a fair amount of weight already, gone down more than a size in trousers... and is looking GOOD!

Bullseye!

2011-10-10T10:16:00.000+01:00

And altogether quicker than expected too.

No sooner do I decide that my fitness, particulary the quest to improve lung function, is a much more pressing target than my weight loss goals at the moment, than my body decides to make it's own decisions and drop another pound or so.

I was hoping, by the end of this week/beginning of next, to get to down to 58kg and was happy to be making progress in that direction. But, this morning I hopped onto the scales to find I'm already there. In fact, I'm just a shade below that mark. Wow!

I am not complaining in the slightest, mind you. Indeed I'm delighted. I can now set my 'line-in-the-sand' right here and get on the road to stage two of my goal. That's to get comfortably below my current weight... and stay there.

As to the fitness, well the rowing went well today and I'm thinking of upping my strokes/time a bit tomorrow. I've been a bit scared to check my peak flow again, so far, but am going to bite the bullet tonight.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

2011-10-07T10:35:00.000+01:00

With apologies to David Bowie!

My oh my, but the world looks rather different from when I started along my weight loss journey. Interestingly, it didn't take too long before some fairly major changes (both mental as well as physical) became apparent.

As an example of how things changed, I wrote something exactly three years ago today (around sixteen months into my journey) which is worth re-reading. If you are interested, you can find it here.

Three years ago, I'd done a lot of soul searching, made a lot of changes and adjustments and made a lot of progress. I had just about made it into a UK size 14 pair of trousers for the first time and I was ecstatic! That size (which seemed an almost unattainable goal when I first started out) was what my 'please, please, please Lord' target had been at the time.

I've changed quite a lot more since then, over the intervening three years. There's been a whole lot more soul searching, a lot more hard work and progress (and a little backsliding too) but I think I can say it's for the better. It is certainly for the smaller as I've just bought a pair of UK size 8 jeans - deep, rich chocolate brown velvet ones. Once again, I find I am jubilant, though this time it's more for the feel of this soft, luxurious garment than the size. Wearing them will make me feel like a duchess.

The poor old fat lass I was when I began my journey did not like herself at all. She was scared about the future and felt oh such a failure. Today's fat lass is a whole lot healthier and so very much happier in her skin.

Sure, today's fat lass still has her worries. One thing that resonates very much is the death this week of an athlete - Graham Dilley, the renowned England test cricketer and bowler who died at the age I will be in just a few short days time. Added to this is the loss of Steve Jobs - a man barely older than me, seemingly with access to all the medical help money could buy. Makes you think - there but for the grace of God...

Yes, there are things I'd still like to change or improve (think belly flap). Yes, I still have my struggles and periods lacking in drive and motivation to make progress.

I started out with the intention that my journey was to be a change for life, not a quick-fix diet. I've said a lot about change over the years, but that is still my intent. One other thing hasn't changed. That is a firmly set and continuing commitment to keep right on going towards a healthy life. My mantra? Never give up, never go back.

Maybe I'll have Joe Pike red arrows tattooed onto my upper arms [lol].

Wheeeee! I'm going to make it...

2011-10-06T10:20:00.002+01:00

...and that's in two senses. Ooooh, the fat lass says, that feels nice.

First of all, the fitness levels. Rowing in the morning is getting better, to the extent that I've increased my time by a third over the last couple of days and I'm now up to 200 strokes. My stroke rate has increased too, although it still isn't quite back to expected levels. I won't say its a walk in the park just yet. It's still a hard slog at the moment, but it is definitely becoming easier. I'll re-check my peak flow at the weekend and see where we are with that. Hopefully I'll see some improvement.

As time goes on, bit by bit, I'll keep increasing my time/strokes until I get back to where I want to be. I'll also start to add back in some abs work in the mornings again. Then (and only then) I'll look at getting back to the gym. Baby step by baby step, fat lass. Don't forget that gently does it is the way to go.

The motivation is there, I just pray to stay healthy so I can continue this way. I'm still fighting the last tendrils of the blasted bug so still coughing and wheezing a bit.

There's also the weight loss. It may not be doing a great deal to resolve my concerns with that belly flap, but as of this morning, with just a tad more than a week to go until my self-imposed deadline, my weight has dropped once again.

It seems to have settled nicely at 58.5kg. That's just a pound away from target and my goal now seems acheiveable. Just a little footnote but, Janey! I can't remember the last time I was that low as a 'true' weight! It must have been decades ago and I probably didn't have grey hair.

I won't celebrate in earnest just yet, but I will say that I'm pretty pleased.

Hitting the bottle

2011-10-05T11:23:00.000+01:00

The British Dietetic Association guidelines state that an average adult should consume 2.5 litres of water per day. Question number one... am I average? Huh? How should I know.

Setting this aside, some people may think that seems like an awful lot of drinking to be done, but it isn't all that bad in practice. Water forms a major part of a lot of things so fruit juices, soups, fizzy drinks (bleh!), tea and fruit & veg, and indeed anything soggy (i.e. with a high water content) can help chip in to this amount.

The BDA add that intake should increase during hot weather (like the last week or so) or during/after physical activity. But, they also caution against drinking "too much" (although, sadly, they seem to omit to quantify this in any way), as this can lead to problems with brain, heart and muscle function if it dilutes the salts needed by our bodies too much.

There's a quick 'n dirty guide to see if you're drinking as much as your body needs. If your wee is a nice pale straw-yellow colour then you are probably drinking enough. If it looks dark yellow, you probably need to drink more.

So how am I doing? Well, the wee test seems to say OK, but I find I need quite a bit more than those 'recommended levels' per day to keep to a nice pale straw colour and feel less than 'OK' if my intake drops.

So what exactly do I drink in an average day?
Breakfast - a large cup of tea (with a small amount of skimmed milk). I just cannot function without it!
Arriving at work - usually a mug of herbal tea (Often drunk after it's gone stone cold! Oh well.)
During morning - a mug of lemon tea
Lunchtime - rarely anything, occasionally a small amount of tapwater
During afternoon - a mug of lemon tea
Throughout the day - one (sometimes two) 1 litre 'water-bottles' of tapwater
Evening - BIG* glass tapwater
Overnight - BIG* glass tapwater
To this can be added fruit, soup and other soggy stuff.

* my BIG glass mug holds about 470ml

Blimey! To see that totted up, and finding it's a good bit more than 3 litres on an average day, I guess I'm definitely getting my fair share of the wet stuff!

Hmmm. why do I get though so much? Well, whenever you cared to ask me, I'm pretty much almost always thirsty! Given that the typical 'I'm thirsty' sensation isn't supposed to be triggered until you're already dehydrated, if I listened to thirst as an indicator I'd be drinking gallons!

To be honest, this fact rather worried me until I talked to my GP about it a while ago. I was tested for 'all-sorts' (yes including diabetes, which was my first worry) and everything came back absolutely fine. Now I just figure that's the way my body operates, and so... the fat lass hits the bottle.

The long road back...

2011-10-03T10:23:00.001+01:00

Well, I got back on the rower yesterday for the first time in ages and, while I was pleased that I'd done it, it was rather a shock. Oh dear.

I knew I'd lost fitness and I am also well aware that I am still trying to shake off the last of this damned bug (antibiotics round two prescribed on Friday), but wow! After a mere five minutes rowing, and not pushing it hard at that, I was gasping, coughing and shaking and feeling very slightly queasy. My usual (OK, my 'expected') stroke rate has dropped dramatically too, so that it took me well over five and a half minutes for 150 strokes. It also took me quite some time to recover. Not good.

This morning's stint was damned hard too. It felt much the same, and I rowed about the same, rate and time-wise. However, I didn't feel quite so breathless at the end although recovery time was still pretty poor, I wasn't so shaky and didn't feel queasy. Progress?

What's shocked me more is measuring my peak expiratory flow (PEF) rate. Again, I haven't done this for a little while and the result has certainly made me sit up and take notice. My asthma apparently isn't as well under control as I'd thought. My average peak flow (from three readings) was only 370 l/min today! That's really poor considering that it is generally around the 450 l/min mark, and that was the case not all that long ago.

Somewhere in the region of 450 to 460 l/min is about the expected 'normal' value on the charts used to calculate expected PEF for a woman of my age and height, so dropping this far down is quite a surprise... and not a pleasant one. It has convinced me that I need to continue using the steroid inhaler as well as the salbutamol for some time yet.

It's also shown me, quite graphically, that I need to build up my time and stroke rate on the rower gently but steadily, and keep at the walking too. Sure the eating needs to be good and healthy but my priority and focus has now shifted away from pure weight loss. Improving my fitness, particularly lung function, is definitely top dog at the moment.

Making this point more than merely a slight concern is a recent report linking the use of HRT (which, of course, is so relevant to me!) to an increased risk of severe asthma attacks

Having been hospitalised by a severe attack in the past, I do not want to go there again.

Goals and progress

2011-09-30T10:31:00.002+01:00

On September 6th I set myself a target. It was, first of all, to get down to 58kg and set my 'no higher' line-in-the-sand there. There are some follow-on goals to get below that and, finally, to stay there, but that's for slightly later on.

So, here we are a little more than halfway through... how are things going?

Well, I'm sort of halfway there, although my weight remains stubbornly at 59kg this morning, having ambled back up to that from my not-eating, sickbed low of 58kg.

I had hoped I could get a bit further along the way, with the scales needle moving downwards this week again, but looks like it isn't to be. In fact, it went up a bit higher for a couple of days when I first finished my antibiotics. My eating has been good this week (healthy and good portion control) and I've worked up to doing some exercise so I guess that's probably my body adapting to whatever changes are going on.

I'm pleased to say that I've managed a fair amount of walking this week, albeit interspersed with breaks to use my inhaler. I'm not feeling quite up to the rower yet but hope that won't be too long. All in all, I feel like I'm making progress though, and I like the thought that I haven't lost the motivation to reach my goal.

One thing does cast a minor pale shadow though...
While I was unwell and at my lightest, I looked in the mirror but could see no real difference in the appearance of that darned belly flap. It seemed just as noticeable to me as ever, suggesting that I'd need to lose a lot more weight to make much difference to it.

Given that weight is lost from everywhere, not just the belly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. It doesn't affect my motivation to attain my stated goal, but what comes after is going to take some more thinking about. Ho hum.

Get out!

2011-09-27T16:17:00.000+01:00

And yes... I mean you!

It's been a beautiful day today. Quite the Indian summer, with a gorgeous blue sky and sunshine, and it's rather unseasonably warm - perfect, in fact.

Why, then, did I have to force my posterior away from my desk to go for a walk at lunchtime? Hmm, don't know, but I'm guessing I still feel a bit under par from the bug and allowed myself to wallow in the 'poor me' zone until sense returned and I realised I'd regret it if I let an opportunity like today's sunshine get by me.

It was lovely in the fresh air (OK, some fresh air and some traffic fumes) and I am really glad I walked. Sure, by the end of my hour I did need my inhaler, but that's why I carry it for heaven's sake!

And I do need the exercise. Having been bug-flattened for a week, I feel quite out of shape and I don't like it at all.

C'mon fat lass. Time to tell yourself you are well and get on with life again. If you get tired, so what. You'll sleep better at night.

A fairly poorly bunny

2011-09-26T13:55:00.000+01:00

Oooh boy, what a decidedly unpleasant week or so it's been. I won't bore you with the gruesome details. Suffice it to say it wasn't 'just a cold' like I'd hoped it was, so off to the GP for the fat lass!

However, just take a moment to consider what a boon to fighting infections antibiotics are. I had both time and opportunity to ponder this fact at leisure last week, and I'm so, so grateful for their discovery. From feeling like death warmed over with 'the bug' to merely feeling slightly 'bleh' now is all down to the assistance of these lovely little wonder drugs.

If I must stop moaning for as moment and look for a positive slant, the good news is that food ('specially anything dry, crispy or scratchy) hasn't been much of an issue. Eating has not seemed all that appealing, not least because whatever I've looked at hasn't tasted of anything much, even chilli! Mind you, I've wanted to drink for England and have managed to do just that! The herbal teas, hot Marmite and hot chocolate (bless those good folks at Options!) have taken a real hammering over the last week, along with my usual buckets of hot water.

I hopped on the scales at some point last week and had dropped down to slightly delirious and astonishing 58kg. Nice to see, but I was all too aware that it wasn't a 'real world' result.

Now that the period when I just didn't want to eat is over, and I have a bit more of an appetite, this morning sees me at a rather more realistic, but still quite welcome 59kg. With about three weeks until mid-October, I reckon I should be able to lose the last kilo to achieve the first stage of my goal. Then, a bit more of an effort and we'll see about getting below that mark.

As to the rest of life... well I can't say I've cared too much over the last week, but oh dear. I made the bad mistake of looking in the mirror this morning. I look pretty colourful, even if not at my most attractive! A pale, pasty background (OK with you if I call it 'interesting'?), with dark circles under the eyes, dry lips and a reddish, shiny nose with flaky bits where tissues have rubbed it raw. Very fetching, I must say. Sort of matches the way I still feel. Ho hum.

Never mind. As Yazz would have it, "The Only Way Is Up".... apart, that is, from some of my way being downwards!

Static... but OK with it

2011-09-16T08:12:00.000+01:00

Well, the weight isn't moving down any more at the moment, but that isn't a problem. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and the old body will figure it out at some point.

Eating is going well (it's nice right now as autumn = veggie soups). Exercise, or additional ecercise that is, still not going well (although I've walked quite a lot this week). Feeling pretty positive and better in myself for doing what I need to do.

Onwards, ever downwards!

A nice direction to be moving in

2011-09-09T15:42:00.000+01:00

Almost imperceptibly as yet, but the scales are being kind to me and moving downwards. They currently read just a shade below 60kg and that makes me a very happy bunny indeed. My trousers are feeling and looking looser too.

It actually feels like I'm winning a small victory with myself (or at least a minor skirmish) as this is the time of month when I usually struggle most to stay on track. Even with the help of HRT, in many ways, when the testosterone part kicks in from those tiny tablets I get the munchies. What I usually crave is a nice dose of carbs or better yet, chocolate (though, thankfully, I don't give in to that too often). For whatever reason it just isn't happening at the moment and that's keeping my motivation going. Hallelujah!

I've made a small change to my usual food intake, which might be helping. One of my regular bloggie reads mentioned quite a while ago about adding a small amount of protein to a fruit snack for mid-morning break, and this popped back into mind at the start of last week. So this is what I'm now doing and I think it's helping keep me satisfied for longer.

At the moment, added to my morning apple is a wedge or two of Laughing Cow extra light cheese (at just 22 cals per triangular wedge!). However, I think I'll exchange this for cottage cheese next week as I prefer it and it's a better source of protein for the calories - added to which is the fact that there's something a tiny bit 'unnatural' about the texture of the wedges. Whatever, the protein fix certainly seems to keep those 'is it time for lunch' rumbling tummy noises at bay!

My next improvement is to get my exercise mojo back. Yes, I'm still doing the walking but it isn't really sufficient on it's own. Awkward as it will be, whilst still arranging time around lovely hubby's meds, I really have to make time to fit in some rowing and abs exercises.... even if only a little.

Anyway, there's some progress being made and I'm delighted.

A line in the sand...

2011-09-06T09:51:00.000+01:00

I said I'd been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well, OK, that's done it. I've set myself some new targets and re-drawn my very own 'do not cross' line.

What's prompted this, you may ask. Well, before I explain, I want to reiterate that I'm really pleased to be (and remain) a whole lot slimmer and healthier than I used to be, with all the fringe benefits which come along with this. However, for a while now I've been less than ecstatic with the finer details of the way I look.

Ungrateful? Probably, and I'm a tiny bit ashamed to be looking at 'vanity' issues here, but it is part of who I am and I can't push it to the back of my mind any longer.

Over the last year or so I have sort of roughly 'maintained' my current level of weight loss, albeit whilst not actually intending to. I've been fairly happy, but fooled myself that I was still in weight loss mode. I certainly became much less focused and can see now that I wasn't truly serious about it.

My weight has cycled up and down between 60kg and 62kg or thereabouts for quite a long time. But, even at the lower end of the range and when I'm being far more diligent about the abs exercises than I've been recently, I've still got a noticeable belly. I may have mentioned it once or twice before... it's not too obvious most of the time (in clothes, anyhow) but I can't say I love it.

This is my delightful flappy extra bit where the excess skin flap from being obese for years is left behind. It's the place where much of the remainder of my fat hangs out (and, oh yes, I do mean 'hang'). What's more, when I gain weight, it hits here first.

To be frank, no matter how diligent I do get with the abs work, this flab-filled flap resides on top of whatever muscle I develop. It just ain't going to go away by exercise alone, even if the underlying structure is held in a teensy bit more. The fat lass has been gently deluding herself over this, methinks. It will only actually be diminished by my losing, shedding, shrinking, call it what you will, further amounts of the fat inside it. Don't worry, I'm under no illusions here - I do know that I'll always have the skin flap, unless I resort to surgery. I would just like it to bother me less.

Add to this that I've recently been looking into a number of models for calculating the 'ideal' weight range for a woman of my age, frame and height. Oooh dear - that was a bit of a stopper!

Even though I'm sitting somewhere near the middle of the 'normal' BMI banding, feeling fairly virtuous that this was a pretty darned 'good' place to be, the general consensus from these models (including Devine's and Robinson's) seems to be that I should actually weigh somewhere between 55kg and 58kg. In case the penny hasn't dropped, that is a whole big chunk less than I weigh right now. Kind of knocks the wind out of one's sails. It's certainly made me sit back and think.

Trouble is, I kind of thought I'd already gone far enough. Having lost around six and a half stone since I first started my lifestyle changes (not diet!), I haven't felt that I really want (or 'ought') to lose a significant amount more. But where does this (rather unscientific) decision stem from and why should I have thought this way?

I wonder if, subconsciously, I've been worried in case it makes me look old(er!) and haggard, maybe, or if I'm scared to get obsessive about the numbers on the scale and head towards 'too skinny' territory. I really don't want to end up being bony and emaciated or (worse!) unhealthy. By this, I mean like some (or do I mean many?) female 'celebrities' - women like Mrs Beckham who, slender as she undoubtedly is, looks drawn, permanently ill-nourished and dissatisfied. Sorry, but she and her ilk are no role models for me. I'm certainly not driven to get into the next clothes size down either as I'm fairly content where I am. I like the clothes I wear these days, and it's a very big thing for me to be able to say that. You heard it here - the fat lass likes dresses!

But maybe I could do with losing a bit more? If that weight loss includes at least some of the belly fat and I get my scales to move downwards, say to around the 57kg mark (c.9 stone), as opposed to where I am now, maybe the belly would be significantly less noticeable or perhaps I would just feel more comfortable with it.

OK, deep breath time. Is this realistic? Or, even if it's possible, is it sustainable? Hmmm, do you know, I'm not really sure yet.

Worth a shot though? Yes, I guess it might be.

So it looks as though my old get on the scales 'do something!' line may have been set a bit too high. It's been at 62kg (er, actually 63kg was the absolute screaming horrors mark), but perhaps it's about time it was re-drawn a bit further down.

By adjusting food and portions I'm already starting to see some pounds come off. Increasing the exercise should help too, so I'm going to mentally reset my line to 58kg... and see
a) what I can do about getting there (I'm currently at 60kg)
b) what I can do about getting my weight a kilo or so below that line
and
c) what I can do about keeping it there

So I now have a clearly measurable target. I want to lose around 3kg from where I am now - that's c.6-7 pounds. Let's set myself a time-scale to work to. Going sure but steady I think that sort of loss 'should' be achieveable over about a six week period and that would take me to mid-October.

Right, roll up those sleeves. It's time for the fat lass to step up to the plate! ... or should that be step 'away' from the plate?

Gratitude

2011-09-02T15:41:00.000+01:00

Having read Diane's post yesterday with the image of the disability scooter, I thought long and hard about where I might be today had I not taken the first step to (permanent) weight loss back in 2007. It was scary.

I'm no longer quite in the first flush of youth! Certain bits of me, notably knees and lower back, no longer function quite as freely as they did when I was a teenager. However, they still work pretty darned well and generally give me only minimal discomfort. What's more, that level of discomfort is directly proportional to the exercise I take. Little exercise = more pain, regular exercise = little to no pain.

These days, I cannot begin to imagine what my life would be like now if I still carried something over 90 extra pounds of weight. Hell, but that disability scooter sounds like a real possibility.

Today's 'me' loves to walk every day, not only for the fresh air and exercise but for the space it gives me to think about things that happen in life. I'd go as far as to say it keeps me sane, sometimes. With the extra weight, I couldn't do much walking, let alone enjoy it.

Today's 'me' loves not being breathless, gasping at the slightest exertion. My asthma, even given a slight (stress related) recurrence recently, is pretty much under control. I'm not sure just how bad it would be by now if I still carried the excess weight, but I do know it would have been a serious issue.

Today's 'me' wouldn't be the person I am now - with the additional weight I'd probably be the pale, depressed, anti-social, embarrassed individual I used to be, lacking in confidence and hiding in dull, baggy clothes, trying to blend into the wallpaper and avoid cameras at all costs! I hated her and she hated me just as much.

I've seen a few women recently (some really quite young, as well as older), carrying excess weight and struggling badly, sometimes using crutches to help them walk. Even lovely hubby has noticed and commented on the increased numbers of people, mostly female, we see who fit this model. There but for the grace of God... that could so easily have been me.

I can hardly express how grateful I am to be where I am today, not where I was a few short years ago. I'm living life and enjoying life and feel like I'm the true 'me' once again. On my journey, I had a lot of support from you good folks out in Blogland along the way and for that I'm grateful too.

Diane asked "Are you ever tempted to give up, and what keeps you going?"
I think this pretty much answers why I will never truly give up, even when I am tempted to do so. I may have my down times and struggles, but I cannot go back, so I'll NEVER give up.

On track... up to a point

2011-09-01T10:25:00.000+01:00

I'm delighted to say that, even with life's odd little stresses, controlling my portion sizes and being sensible about what I choose to eat are both going well. It feels really good to be doing something positive once again, and wonderful to see some progress (even if only a little) from both the scale and through the waistbands in my work clothes.

I'm not counting my chickens though. I am all too aware that this is a sort of honeymoon period as it's still very early days after my fresh start. I'm also mindful that food alone is not a long-term answer to shedding fat and keeping it off. I need to increase my exercise (in range and amount) before I'll feel like I'm properly back on track. Although walking is going well, and is very helpful especially when I've little time to factor in much else, I am aware that I do need to do more. I'm missing the rower!

On the food front, I had a small senior moment in the supermarket and picked up the wrong variety of apple (my usual is Pink Lady, which I love). What a good mistake to make though - I have Royal Gala this week and, far from being disappointed, they are great! Wonderfully tasty, juicy and crunchy - obviously right in season. Hmmm, maybe I need to start being a bit more adventurous and not just stick to what I 'know' I like.

Dinner last night was quite a culinary adventure. We had some leftover boiled new potatoes in the fridge, with some odd bits of veg, which lovely hubby popped in the oven with some herbs and a little oil to roast. This was topped off with some smoked mackerel which has been lurking in the freezer for quite a time. It sounds strange and I don't know what you'd call it, but it looked amazing and tasted even better.

Feeling positive and strong and cheerful today. Long may it continue.

Another bump in life's road

2011-08-30T14:36:00.000+01:00

Wow! I've just realised that this is my 300th post. Can hardly believe I've had that much to say.

Well, we went to see the consultant at the end of last week but didn't come away smiling and dancing for joy. To be honest, the news wasn't all that positive - more a mixture of 'OK, that's reasonable' and 'oh hell, that's rubbish'. Lovely hubby's ordeal isn't over yet and it'll be a while before we can relax. Although they are reducing a little bit, it's still meds 'r' us for a while longer. It wasn't the news we'd hoped for and it did get us both down.

Added to this, over the weekend we ended up making an extra, unplanned (emergency) visit to the hospital when another wee hitch cropped up. Sorted (mostly) now, but not fun. Stress levels went back up through the roof and more than a few tears were shed.

Having said all that, and not expecting too much after what has been a less than fabulous Bank Holiday, jiggering about with what I'm eating and reducing my portion sizes is showing up on the scales and I've lost a few pounds. My trousers don't feel as tight and I can admit to being pretty happy about that.

I've been doing some pretty serious thinking too - more of that in a later post though.

Ups and downs

2011-08-23T10:23:00.000+01:00

That's ups and downs in all sorts of ways! Emotionally, in health terms, and (of course) in weight!

The last few weeks have been something of a challenge, just as I'd expected they would be. In some ways, they've been even more difficult than I thought possible. Looking after my darling lovely hubby following his operation was desperately hard. Not because of him... no way!... but because I've felt so damned helpless.

I won't go into detail, but he's had a tough time and I'd have happily cut off my arm with a blunt penknife if it would only make things easier for him. Unfortunately, there's been nothing much that I've been able to do, in a practical way, to make life better/more comfortable for him. Just be there, do what I can and then go hide and cry in private.

The worst part is over, thank heavens, although he still has some minor complications to contend with and will be off work for a while longer yet. I am back in the saddle at work but not finding it easy as I feel I 'ought' to still be at home taking care of him. Ooooh, those 'oughts'. Guilt trips 'r' us!

And like all of those guilt-laden times, the emotions (coupled with worry) can get the better of you and start to drive behaviour. Let's just say that exercise, never mind about kicking things up a notch, did not go well at all.

Most of the days I spent at home (and much of the nights) was a whirlwind of the various meds (and isn't timing everything too), cooking, cleaning, little jobs to do, pillow fluffing, companionship and tea & sympathy, so my planned time on the rower dropped right off the priority list. Getting outside for life's essentials was squeezed into as short a time as possible so he wouldn't be left alone, so walking was off the cards too. To be frank, sleepless nights meant I didn't have a whole lot of energy anyway. Still don't, for that matter.

Food intake was OK while he wasn't interested or have an appetite, so I didn't eat much either, but it went a tad haywire once I started trying to tempt him into eating a bit more for the sake of him healing. Yes it was all 'good' food, but guess who disposed of the leftovers!

Well, the weight dropped off me for the first few days, and I saw 59kg again for an all too brief moment, but then it soon went back on again. Now we're over the worst I've evened out at 62kg, not too drastic but not really where I want to be. And like Steve has mentioned at 'Log My Loss', oh boy am I ever out of shape. I look and feel flabby, not trim. Think not so much racehorse as carthorse!

Ah well, back to the drawing board for the fat lass. I've made a start and am bringing chopped veggies with a yoghurt dip for lunches. I'm making an effort to restrain (and re-train) my appetite and giving myself smaller portions of an evening. This seems to be going OK.

I'm walking every day (which helps but isn't truly the answer, I know) and when I get a little more free time, I'll step it up with some additional exercise. If my darling's meds (which I have to administer) are reduced after our next hospital visit (which I really hope will be the case) I'll be back on the rower in the mornings next week.

I'm not giving up. I'll keep on keeping on, and I will get back to having more love per square inch!

Expectations

2011-07-29T08:58:00.000+01:00

Dear me. The end of July already and I haven't written a word here for a month!

Well, I guess this seems to be an appropriate enough time to think about my 'expectations' and what they mean for me in practice, right now, and for the future.

You'll probably have figured out, way before I ever did, that I took my eye off the ball quite a long time ago. I'd lost a lot of the enthusiasm for my journey and my many ups and downs and a considerable number of my posts over the last year show that quite clearly.

I haven't been paying proper wide-awake attention to what or how much I eat - at least, not in the way I was doing when the weight-loss mojo was working it's hardest. I haven't been keeping up the exercise to the level or extent that I should have done either. Talking about getting back to it isn't quite the same as getting on and doing it, eh?

What was that saying about those oh so good intentions and the road to hell again?

Well, I got away with it for a while. Call it residual karma. I guess I've continued to look sort of OK, as in not 'shock, horror' oh my goodness noticeably fatter, and my weight has remained 'relatively' stable... up to a point. Sure, it has wavered up a few kilos, from around 60 kg (9st 6lbs) to maybe 62 kg (9st 11lbs) or more, but it always seemed to drop off fairly quickly when I made a bit more of an effort. I felt OK with that, and that I could handle things quite nicely... up to now.

This time has been different. July started off quite positively and I did manage, if briefly, to drag my carcass back down to the 60kg mark, It was a darned hard process this time though. Much harder than it's been before, over the last twelvemonth or so.

Then a pothole in the road tripped me up. Oh no, not literally. This pothole was a summer cold... which lingered for a wee while then settled in, right at home, as a nice little chest infection. That kicked the asthma into overdrive, and it has been worse over the last few weeks than I've known it for years. Saw the doc and I'm back onto the next level of treatment and none to happy about it. Let's just say it's been getting me down.

All plans for exercise went right out the window and I got very low and mopey with constant coughing, in the day and at night. Sleepless nights led to feeling even more tired and run down, etc., etc.

You know what happened alongside that, don't you. Oooh yes, the fat lass comfort ate. I took great advantage of 'treats' on a short break away and overindulged like a pro! Those few lbs I'd worked to hard shed plopped back on in a heartbeat. Up I went back to 63kg, and I stayed there for most of the month, feeling fat, fed up and a failure.

This all brings me back to my expectations, which have recently proved to be rather dodgy ones. I think this is partly because my expectations had morphed from where they started. I used to 'expect' to have to work very hard and consistently at losing weight. As a very obese and fearsomely unfit woman for far too long a time, I knew it was going to be no joking matter to change my ways and change my body.

But, as I did successfully lose weight and got fitter, and finally found myself as a 'normal' sort of woman, I found those same expectations were now moving towards a less rigid approach, telling me that, once I reached a 'reasonable' weight and an 'OK' level of fitness I could lift my foot off the throttle. After all, keeping it there and concentrating on this weight business seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year, is pretty tiring, isn't it?

Wrong, fat lass! Somewhere along the line you've forgotten the bit about this being a 'lifetime' journey to health, not a quick-fix diet to be forgotten once you reach the magic number on the scale. And, let's face it - rapidly approaching 52, neither time nor the menopause are really on your side any more.

I have another pretty big pothole on my horizon right now, with my lovely hubby being admitted to hospital. The next few weeks are going to be pretty tough and I'm going to find it hard to lose weight and increase my fitness. But, dammit, I'm going to keep those expectations in mind and try.

Stalled...

2011-06-28T13:48:00.000+01:00

...and before I've even really got started too. Ho hum, I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. But, let's be philosophical about it, eh. Don't get mad, fat lass, and don't fall off that wagon!

I'll admit that I am finding it a bit of a challenge to stay positive, when I'm exercising daily, eating moderately, drinking my water and being generally 'good', yet still not really seeing much more than a marginal result on the scales, nor for that matter from the marks on the tape measure.

But, I do know that the hard work will pay off in time - I just need a little patience and perserverance. I should remember that I've been in this position before, and it didn't last forever.

So, to pick out the positives...

At least I'm feeling a fair bit fitter than I was a few weeks ago. The good old H2O and regular stints on the rower are doing that for me even if nowt else. Even better, with a summer of the worst hayfever I've known for years, the asthma hasn't been a problem at all. Certainly something to celebrate. And, smile please, 'cos I've increased my time as planned this week - so far, so good.

The abs work is having an effect on my torso. It's sort of a shame only I really know about it getting stronger, but there you go. The problem is that, having been so obese for so many years, whatever muscle/tone I do posess is still pretty effectively covered up by the remains of the fat in my 'oh, so attractive' apron of loose belly skin.

Hmmm, I don't suppose that this is a bit of me that'll ever go away, unless I resort to full-scale surgery. That's OK though - I just need to shed a few more pounds and minimise it a bit more. It isn't a major problem when I'm dressed and, as I don't intend to start a nude modelling career in the near future [wink], the surgeons can put their scalpels away. Hey, just think, if I did become the next centrefold pin-up, the Shar Pei belly could become the new look for 2011.

Enough of this hilarity! Let's just get on with what I'm already doing and see what happens in the next week. Yes, a noticeable loss'd be nice, but I won't give up even if it doesn't happen.

Being proactive...

2011-06-23T16:43:00.000+01:00

Things finally seem to be settling into a somewhat more comfortable groove (I really, really hope the gods are taking a tea break so they aren't listening right now... otherwise I might regret writing this).

The exercise is going well, to the point where I intend to add another 20% to the daily number of strokes on the rower from Monday. I've increased the number and variety of the abs stuff and I'm doing it fairly comfortably (well, mostly comfortably) and I feel like I could increase it or add some other stuff in... but getting out of bed before I already do (at an eyewatering 5am) every day to do more seems a little too much to ask!

Eating is going well too, and I'm finally beginning to see downward quivers of the needle on the scales.

Onwards, ever downwards!

A bumpy ride

2011-06-17T07:58:00.000+01:00

OK, so after a pretty positive week last week, and a not too off the mark weekend spent with my super (and super-skinny) sister, when I hopped on the scales Monday morning after my exercises I was expecting to see stability at worst or maybe a nice little drop if the weight-loss gods were with me. What I wasn't expecting to see was a gain!

I won't repeat the word which first popped into my head. It wasn't very nice and it certainly wasn't very ladylike. Unfortunately, despite trying to remain cool, calm and collected about it and telling myself it was 'one of those things' (a.k.a. acting like an adult), as the day went on, and various stresses and irritations at work kicked in to clobber me too, I reacted rather poorly to this 'unfair' news and ended up eating more than I should have done. Never mind "keep calm and carry on". This was right into "run in circles, scream and shout"!

Sure it was mostly healthy food on this occasion, but I still did myself no favours by wolfing down too much fruit, all of my carrots (which were intended to last me for two days) and yoghurt with granola through the day in addition to my chicken and watercress wrap for lunch. I also made matters worse by stomping just around the corner to sit down with a book and a coffee rather than kicking myself into a higher gear and going for a good long walk. Ho hum.

Thankfully, the rest of the week has been has been much better, despite being busy and stressful in many ways. The exercises have gone well every morning, with the exception of Thursday when I was so tired I could have slept the day through. On the rower I've increased my speed and time a bit, and I'm doing a wider range of abs work. Apart from mad Monday I've eaten moderately (including some lovely fresh pod peas again). I've been out for wonderful walks in the sunshine at lunchtime on several days.

My weight had risen to a rather horrid 63kg (grrrr!) but it has dropped back to 62.5kg by this morning. At just a shade below ten stone I'm still not at all that happy about it, but there is a lesson for me in this. It is stop, take a deep breath and think - to stay in that proactive mindset and think through what I can do and should be doing in these circumstances... and then get on and do it. Like a lot of things in life, these things are most definitely sent to try us!

Message to the fat lass: "don't be reactive... be proactive!"

More than halfway through the week ...so far so good?

2011-06-09T11:10:00.000+01:00

Well, having re-committed (yet again) to early morning exercise and sensible eating we are now on day number four. To be honest, days one and two went well, and both food and moving my posterior were pretty much to plan. Actually, it all went so well that I foolishly thought to myself, time to build things up.

Oh dear - hold that thought, fat lass. Don't get ahead of yourself 'cos day three didn't start off well at all. I felt tired and a bit under the weather even before I started. But, I got on the rower even though it felt really like a slog to keep going. Likewise for the abs work. So much for building things up though - I struggled with what I'd breezed through earlier in the week. Still, I did it and was glad I perservered.

Thankfully today was better again, and I feel stronger and more confident that I will be able to increase my time (and speed?) on the rower. I have already begun to increase the abs work (they do need it too!), adding in the first stages of a 'bicycle crunch' exercise which I'm finding quite hard to get to grips with just at the moment. Hmmm, think I may need to watch those videos again.

If all continues to go reasonably well, I think I'll add in some weights work for my arms next week too. They could do with some TLC and I need to look at some new things as I know I'll get stale and bored if I stick with the same routine every day.

Note to self: I also need to start recording what I do again. Can't see progress without it!

I've struggled with getting out to walk at lunchtime this week as things have been somewhat hectic at work, but am still walking in the mornings. This morning's walk was lovely (in the sunshine, which always helps). The dark grey clouds are coming across now though, so if I can get out at lunch it'll be a soggy trog, methinks.

I'm remembering to drink my water too so, if I can only keep it up this time (!), I'll be doing alright. So far today's food has been OK - mostly because it's now fresh garden pea time of year. If there's one thing I'm passionate about it's peas from the pod. Great snacking food.

I know I still need to reduce portion sizes and I'm trying very hard not to get annoyed that there's no downwards movement on the scales yet, but patience and persistence will bring a change - hopefully for the better.

Still here, still fighting

2011-05-31T16:04:00.002+01:00

And still not giving in....

But, no, it hasn't got any easier I'm afraid - I'm still slipping up way too often, bumping my nose against an increasing number on that blasted scale, then fighting back again to see the needle drop a bit, and so on... ad infinitum, it seems.

OK, so some of those old stresses have indeed dropped away (the fat lass says a heartfelt 'thank you'!), but a few new ones have stepped up to the plate to take their place (like my Mum having a fall at the weekend) so I'm still don't feel like I'm geared up and ready for full-on weight loss efforts.

If I'm honest, just keeping my head above water seems hard enough this year. I don't feel at my best but also don't seem to have the time, or energy, of focus to improve things. You know, I distinctly remember HM the Queen mentioning an 'annus horribilis' a wee while back - hmmm, think I know what she meant.

Anyway, just wanted to say a few encouraging words to some of the lovely people who are also struggling (for whatever their own reasons are) and remind them (and me!) to hang in there. Things can only get better. Honestly!

Keeping things in focus

2011-05-17T10:20:00.001+01:00

I haven't really thought about it in this way before, but I think one of my problems over the last six months or so has been the inability to keep sharp focus on several things at one time. My sister refers to this as 'too much going on' and sometimes 'having too many balls in the air' but my geeky science head thinks it's almost as though life has been more like using a microscope.

If you choose to look at an object under a microscope, say a nice little cell (after all, they are enthralling!), you can see, by selecting the correct objective and then adjusting the focus, different parts of the whole, and even go deeper and deeper to get right there to the bit which interests you most. But, you'll soon figure out that using your microscope at high power is rather more of a challenge than using it at lower power, which gives you the bigger picture in your field of view, but you see it in far less detail.

At high magnification, you really have to concentrate to bring that one specific fascinating thing into focus in the first place and then keep that teensy-tiny fine detail in focus. And doing this comes at the expense of all that other interesting stuff in the periphery! It's also all too easy for one tiny nudge to instantly wreck the view you'd carefully worked towards.

Weight loss (or maintenance) and fitness, as I guess we can probably all agree, requires constant mindfulness, concentration, consistency and hard work, so is a bit like using your microscope with high power magnification.

I've mentioned on more than one occasion that there has been (er, still is!) a lot going on in life and it's been this way for a looong while. Family and health concerns have been, and continue to be, a huge worry. Since Christmas, with the onset of those training courses, things got even tougher. There has just been too much in my big picture to get everything in focus at one time.

While my focus should, in an ideal world, have been on looking after 'me', life's priorities were no longer truly mine to assign. There were other things which I was forced to pull into high magnification focus... at the expense of some of the 'peripheral' stuff, however interesting that might be. For much of the time it simply wasn't possible to lower the magnification to cater for that big picture in less detail, so something has to give. I guess it's been my focus on the weight loss and fitness.

I hope that finishing my coursework early (mirabile dictu) will have helped shake off one of those imposed 'fields of view', and that I may now be able to focus more on something of my own choosing. Let's see what happens, eh.

Whatever the case, I'm not giving up!

Getting my head on straight...

2011-05-16T16:44:00.002+01:00

OK, so I've made yet another start, and am back to doing the things I know I need to do. And... it's making a positive difference... mentally, at least, even if I'm not seeing too noticeable a difference physically yet.

So far, so good. That 'not giving up' attitude will pay dividends in the end, despite the numerous false starts and hitches. Now I just need to keep at it and remind myself why I need to do this.

Note to self: you want to see the number on the scale go DOWN and your fitness levels RISE. And... you already know the 'how' of it, don't you. Simple, eh?

I can barely believe I'm saying this, but I actually enjoyed my early doors stint on the rower today. Huh? At 5.15 a.m. on a Monday morning, before hitting the road to work? Heck, the sparrows were barely awake. Amazing!

Yes, I'm still pretty tired in general, but my path seems slightly smoother. It may, of course, have something to do with getting my final training course assignment sent off yesterday. Phew! That's another monkey off my back. The other good news was that the presentation last week brought me some very positive feedback, so I'm feeling that those looong hours of hard work and 'lost' weekends were probably worthwhile.

With luck, that's a major stressor out of my way and maybe, just maybe, I'll be in a better position to handle some of the other ones slightly better.... like lovely hubby's health problems.

The thing I'm now really looking forward to is the next bank holiday weekend. It'll be so good to know that I have three whole days free to go to see my darling Mum. No coursework in sight!

It got worse

2011-05-10T16:18:00.000+01:00

So the fat lass has been out of touch again and, hey, what do you know?

For all my brave words in the last post, they have not been backed up by 'walking the walk'. Yep, you'll already know the result. Oh boy, it has not been a good couple of weeks.

Those worries haven't gone away and I still feel that life is 'on hold' until we get some news about lovely hubby's health. We've been invited to a wedding in Lebanon next month, which we'd both love to go to, but there's no way we can make it with this op hanging over us. This is not a positive or productive way to be, I know, but I just don't seem able to shake it off.

The long weekend for May bank holiday and the Royal wedding was dreadful. OK, so I had a wonderful day out walking with lovely hubby on the Friday (sorry Wills & Kate), but worked on my mountain of coursework for the rest of the weekend which wasn't so much fun. So I nibbled... and ate badly... and hit the alcohol when I finally knocked off in the evenings... and didn't do any more exercise.

This was old classic behaviour at it's worst... stress = comfort + emotional eating. The killer for me was that it was such gorgeous weather outside (apart from the Friday when we were out, of course) and I bitterly resented being stuck indoors working when every fibre of me was telling me I 'should' have been out in the sunshine. So to 'reward' myself for being so utterly deprived... I was bad, bad, bad.

And the needle on the scales crept up a bit. Sooo, on Monday morning I thought "ooops", and tried to pull myself together and behave (a bit) better during the week. The effort was half-hearted to say the least.

Then last weeked was worse still. This time round I worked very long hours on the coursework both Saturday and Sunday. Tears were shed, the fat lass was moody and depressed and my lovely hubby was in pain (the poor thing's put his back out now!). I ate absolute rubbish and way too much of it (don't even ask about the Chinese takeaway!) and, of course, did nothing which even slightly resembled moving my butt.

So, by the time this Monday morning rolled around, I found myself dog-tired, feeling depressed/stressed, worried about my man, thoroughly fed up, and yes, you've guessed it, heavier once again. This time the scales showed me 63.5kg... that's 10 stone!... a weight I'd hoped I'd never see again.

So... knowing I have to stop this right now, I try again.

Over the last few days things have been a lot better. I'll repeat that - a LOT better.

I've ditched the snacky foods and sweet stuff and alcohol, greatly decreased my portions and cut out a lot of the carbs. And, I've reminded myself to avoid salt! I'm drinking my water with a passion and am nibbling on my raw veggies and fruit. I am recording everything I eat, once again.

I have made myself go out walking as much as possible and am using the stairs, not the lift, at work. I'm not yet back on the rower or doing abs work... but I am (I hope) beginning to dig myself out of the dark, dreary pit into which I had descended again.

I know I 'can' do it.

I know I 'need' to do it.

I have 'started' to do it.

I just need to keep at it!

Celebrate... or be miserable?

2011-04-26T10:50:00.000+01:00

In the two weeks or so since I last wrote something, my weight changed for the better, then for the worse, and is now right back at the same 61kg where I started out the month.

The loss bit of the cycle reflected no hard work on my part, but a nasty little bug which saw me curled up in a ball of misery for a few days. Food was the last thing I wanted near me. Sadly... I made up for my abstinence once I felt better and those flubbery lbs soon popped back on again.

Then came Easter and a short break away. We actually did quite a bit of exercise (in the sunshine!) but, oooh, those lovely full-English mega-breakfasts. They tasted amazing (and it was great to have them cooked for us with no washing up in sight), but they had the expected result when I stood on the scale on Sunday morning. Yep, it was back up to 62kg again - ooops!

I'm now going to moan. Only a teensy little moan, but it is a heartfelt one. You see, over the same few days (with those same amazing breakfasts) my lovely hubby didn't put on an ounce. Grrr! Actually, this is something to celebrate as he's doing really well with losing weight and his jeans are now in imminent danger of embarrassing him in public by dropping round his ankles! We really must get him a smaller size.

Ah well. Two sensible days later, of drinking my water (oh yes, I forgot it again!), making healthy choices and eating normal portions and it's back down to the slightly less 'panic-stations' sort of figure of 61kg. However, I do know that I need to get my head on straight and lose a few more of these pesky pounds.

Sooooo, to the plan.

I am going to get these couple of lbs off, by the tried and tested combination of eating less (and healthily) and moving my posterior, and then re-set my new 'panic-stations' figure to 60kg. It was set to 62kg, but I'm just not happy and don't feel 'right' when I hit that mark on the scale.

Then I need to get exercising harder and tone up some of what's there while working on ways to get a few more of the lumpy bits sent on their way by shedding some more weight. C'mon, it's salad time of year and you love it - what are you waiting for, fat lass!

I would really like to get down to 57kg... and stay there. Doesn't sound a lot, huh? But, heck, it's proving a hard ask.

So, do I celebrate? Yes! I'll celebrate the fact that I am not ending this month heavier than I started and that lovely hubby is getting slinkier by the day.

Be miserable? No. Think I'll pass on that one.

Why?

2011-04-08T15:30:00.000+01:00

With a startling record of lack of progress on the weight loss front these days, that's the question I've been asking myself, pretty much daily. Why?

It generally goes something like this:

Why do I seem to sabotage myself every step of the way?
Why do I get cracking on the exercise then let good intentions and progress slip away?
Why do I eat more than I know I should (even if it's 'healthy' stuff)?
Why, after all this time, am I finding this so darned hard?
Why can't I seem to get focus back on this process and DO it?

...and a whole load of similar 'whys'!

That confounded internal critic (you know, that sneaky little blighter who takes up residence in your head and drops in snidey comments in low moments) usually pipes up with the simple answer - 'because you are rubbish'. My logical mind knows this is entirely accurate but...

Yes, I've got a lot of 'stuff' going on right now, and a whole load of uncertainties (never a comfortable place for this fat lass), but what I just cannot understand is the effect it's having. I can't seem to shake off the worries and get on with things.

However, I have made a firm committment to myself. It's pretty short and sweet.

I WILL NOT give up!

Actually, I can't give up. To do so would be to undo all the progress I've made since my obese days and I cannot face going back to the uncomfortable life I used to lead. I may not be 'progressing' in the way I'd like to, but progress can sometimes mean holding steady and managing to avoid the slide back down the slippery slope. Can't it?

So, in an attempt to stop myself beating myself up too badly, and to muzzle my mouthy internal monster, let's look back and compare now with about year ago.

June 2010
BMI 22.3 = 'Normal'
Weight 59kg
Bust 38"
Waist 27"
Hips 38.5"

April 2011
BMI 23.1 = not as good but still 'Normal'
Weight 61kg
Bust 36"
Waist 27.5"
Hips 39"

OK, it isn't great... and I'm nowhere near as fit as I was back then, but the alternative is a whole lot worse. Don't give up!

Bleh!

2011-03-28T13:28:00.000+01:00

Yep, bleh! Kind of sums it up really. I'm still moving back and forth through my few pounds gain, few pounds loss cycle so I'm no further forward at all. Sound like an old broken record, don't I!

I'm really not taking my lovely hubby's health problems in my stride at all. I'm worrying way too much, not sleeping properly, and don't seem awfully interested in taking care of 'me' properly. I know I'm snappy, however hard I try not to be. Basically, it comes down to being scared. It's affecting all aspects of my life and I'm not a happy camper at all these days.

Had a funny conversation with someone I haven't seen for a long while - she went away on maternity leave a couple of years back but stayed away for lots longer as she had some health problems then soon afterwards fell pregnant again. She was quite surprised at the difference in my appearance and, amazingly, actually talked to me about it (so often, this just doesn't happen).

After chatting and catching up for a while, she asked me to tell her what was the most difficult thing about losing the weight.... so far. Bearing in mind I feel pretty crappy about myself at the moment, I have to admit that I giggled a bit self consciously and said 'myself'.

Afterwards, when I wondered what prompted me to come out with that, without even thinking, I realised I've learned that I'm actually the cause of most of my 'not doing great' times. I've also learned that if I can just muster the strength to keep on fighting... mostly I'll get there. It isn't easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. So this bad period of life WILL pass and things will get better. I just have to be as strong as I can (for me and my beloved man) and we'll get through it.

So what's going well (or at least doing OK) at the moment? Well, I still walk as much as I can (about an hour, maybe an hour and a half every day, and briskly as I can). Great! Give the fat lass a gold star for this.

I'm hanging in there with the training course. Not finding it a walk in the park, but I won't give up and I am putting in a lot of effort. I WILL pass, and to the best of my ability.

Anything else reasonable at the moment? Well, food isn't fantastic (er, hence the weight cycling) but I'm not hitting the binges and not eating rubbish... just still too much of the good stuff. It may not be perfect, but at least I can say that my general eating habits have changed for the better.

So, any other positives to focus on? Of course there must be... just takes a little bit of thinking through.

Yep, there is something else positive to show I haven't descended right back down to the depths of despair, even if it sometimes feels like that. How do I know? I still try to dress nicely. Sounds odd, huh? Well, in my fattest days I didn't give a hoot what I chucked on in the morning - it wasn't going to look nice on me anyway so why bother. Now, I try to dress nicely (OK, clean and tidy, even if not fashionably, anyhow) as much as I'm able. Positive, see?

Other ways I'm still looking after 'me' include good haircuts, every five weeks or so. I don't fight the grey hair (just call it 'distinguished'), but keeping it short and keeping it feminine makes me feel a bit better about myself. I also take care of my teeth now. I know it sounds sort of funny but that makes me feel better too.

I guess the point of this ramble is to say 'hey, I haven't given up'. Whatever is happening in your life now, don't give up either. Things will improve in time... we've just got to get through the hard stuff.

Fitter, but holding steady

2011-03-04T14:40:00.002Z

OK, let's give you the good news first. The daily dose of walking, rowing and abs work definitely means I feel fitter and a bit more energetic and rather more like my old self. Yippee!

But... oh, and isn't there always a 'but'? But... my weight is pretty much unchanged. Pooh! says the fat lass. OK, being realistic, that isn't too surprising as I've still been eating outside my 'weight loss' zone.

Right, that's the physical side of things. Mentally though, things ain't that grand and I feel like I'm really going through the mill. The stress is ongoing, and has been compounded by some major worries for my darling lovely hubby's health. I won't go into detail but the problem, er... actually problems plural, have sent me into another tail-spin. I've shed more tears and been more shaky and out of control in the last week than for a long time. This has not been good - not good at all.

Once we have some more concrete information to work with about the problems themselves and the possible solutions available, things may be easier to handle. Appointments and tests and all-sorts on the horizon. Wish us well and watch this space.

Thankfully, and I really don't quite know how, I seem to have been able to keep myself away from the really unhealthy snacks (a.k.a. crisps and chocolate), despite my customary response (dare I call it 'old' behaviour yet?) of eating crap until the scary stuff gets hidden. That said I have probably been comforting myself a bit too much with those 'healthier' snacks like fruit and yoghurt. My bread consumption could do with being cut down a bit too. Not perfect behaviour, I know, but better than the alternative.

Well, I'll keep trying and keep at it and keep a good old Blighty 'stiff upper lip' as much as possible. And, showing those grey hairs, as Howard Jones (remember him?) sang way back in the 1980s "Things can only get better". So, here are some instructions for life to think about. Thanks to Anjie for these.

A bit less podgy, a tad less unfit... progress!

2011-02-22T16:29:00.000Z

OK, it may not be perfection but things are a whole lot better than they were. Phew! I was getting quite scared that I couldn't get things back under control and I would slip further along that awfully slippery path. Over the days, months and years since I finally got serious about wanting to lose weight, I've worked so darned hard to get to 'here' that I really didn't want to go back to 'there', if you know what I mean.

I still have a lot going on and I'm still pretty stressed (to the point of tears at times), but seem to have found a way to handle things without resorting to eating for England! Or at least, not wanting to pig out every moment of every day to hide the feelings under an over-full belly.

What I am eating is generally healthy stuff, and filling enough to keep me from wanting those naughty, tempting (and dangerous) nibbles. Stepping back and taking a deep breath every now and again helps, as does talking the scary things through with my lovely hubby. What probably helps as much, physically that is, is increasing the exercise though.

My mornings now have a time slot for rowing again, followed by the abs work, and walks as many times as I can fit them in during the day, even if they are just little ones. I feel better for it and I know that, given time, it will start to pay off.

As I said before, onwards, ever...

Growing fat!

2011-02-14T16:18:00.003Z

OK, time to 'fess up about where I've been and what I've been up to. You may have guessed already that since I last stepped up and told you how things were, I let the stress get the better of me. For a time I started cultivating adipose tissue. Call it a new hobby if you like.

To be frank, it ain't that much fun as a pastime so it hasn't lasted long and I'm pretty well decided that I won't carry on with it. As far as enjoyment goes, it rates pretty low on the exicte-o-meter. Sure that chocolate bar tasted OK, but it wasn't fantastic. When I lost my head, and ate a juicy orange instead, the instant gratification was far superior. In fact, I'll do it again!

As to the exercise... well, not doing much felt OK for a few days but, hell, you know it really wore me out! I found I was tired every morning and getting tireder (is there such a word?) by the day. And I noticed the difference in other respects too.

Not to put too fine a point on it, my eating habits and sluggishness had a marked impact on my, er, morning habits. Yep, I'm talking constipation and I think that's as much as I'm happy to reveal.

A week or so later and normality has caught up with me. Never could run too fast, me!

So, I'm back to sensible eating (loving my morning porridge), drinking lots of lovely clear water and I'm back to moving my slightly expanded posterior. Some of that carefully cultivated corpulence has shuffled off from whence it came and I'm making marked efforts to shed the rest.

The overall damage could have been worse, I guess. I 'only' gained about six pounds. Only... as in nearly half a stone in a few short days, that is. Ouch! Thankfully, the waistband on my trousers is slackening off a bit and I'm no longer considering undoing those stitches I'd put in when they got too big for me. I still feel podgy and unfit, but at least I've faced up to where I was headed and made a start (yet again!) to get back on track.

Do you think I'll learn one day? (she says wistfully)... I do hope so. Right now, I think I must have goldfish blood in my ancestry as, with this rubbish memory, I cannot seem to remember past mistakes until it's all too late. Onwards, ever...

Roller-coaster rides - again!

2011-01-24T13:40:00.000Z

Well, I'm tired and cranky and emotional and really rather peed off with the whole thing. My eating habits have been abyssmal over the last week or two and my much-vaunted plans for exercise went right out the window once again.

Life has hit the fat lass with a welter of stress and she isn't standing up to it very well right now. Part of this has been family and health 'stuff', starting with long-standing worries about my Mum (most of which are not possible to resolve) and culminating in spending part of the early hours of last night at the local hospital with my lovely hubby, who was in substantial pain at the time. He's all sorted out now, sure, but I'm reeling from lack of sleep and, of course, from the worry.

The other thing adding to the stress is that three 'training courses' or similar (one of them work related so a very big deal) started in the space of a few days of eachother, each carrying a fair chunk of work to do 'in my own time'! My time, huh? When the hell is that supposed to be? It wasn't planned to happen this way but, after I'd committed to each individual course, the timing became a problem.

And then there's the whole work life balance thing. Balance? Don't make me laugh! It has been mad at work since the start of the year. I have a fairly complex project on at the moment which is not helped by (almost constant) interruptions. In particular, being interrupted to sort out an escalating verbal conflict between team members would not be my choice. Intervening between two supposedly grown men, both acting like spoiled brats when both were equally at fault, makes me soooo very sweet-natured. Well, it would, wouldn't it.

In summary, some days I've started off well but have overeaten later (comfort eating, I guess) to the point of discomfort - even if it was mostly 'healthy' food. Other days I seem to switch into 'get food away from me' mode, where the very thought of it makes me queasy. Understandably, this means my weight has been affected - going up the slope and down the slope, then up, then down. Subsequently, I find myself still somewhere in the region of the 60kg mark. Not where I was hoping to be.

Somebody stop this blasted roller-coaster. I'd really like to hop off now.

Going down?

2011-01-10T11:02:00.000Z

OK fat lass, nice start - now keep up the good work!

A slowish start to 2011, so far, but into week two and I am at least moving in the right direction. Too early to start stringing up the bunting just yet, but...

Foodwise, things are doing pretty well. I really seem to have missed my healthier style eating, so lovely fresh fruit and veggies are being thoroughly enjoyed. Portion sizes are in fairly good shape, and those naughty temptations are (largely) a thing of the past. Even the fancy cheeses, which I normally crave and drool over, have lost some of their appeal, held up against a nice crisp Pink Lady apple.

Activity-wise, things are picking up slowly too - but that's a good thing. Knowing what has happened with me and my 'good intentions' in the past, I must always remember to take it one step at a time and not go exercise mad then find it's all too much.

The scales, bless 'em, are reflecting the sensible start and I just need to continue in this vein.

Let's hope this year brings some very welcome good news for us all, eh?

Back to working...

2011-01-04T15:04:00.000Z

Yep, that's 'back to' in the employment sense and also in the weight loss sense. Happy New Year, folks.

Although the festive season wasn't particularly damaging and didn't add to my personal blubber collection this year (the scales are still fine, which is a real bonus and more than I deserve), I feel sort of run down and a bit out of condition and flabby.

To be fair, I didn't get the decent exercise I'd liked to have had during the holidays. I'm afraid all my plans for daily romantic walks in the snow with lovely hubby were somewhat trashed, what with him being ill. The walks I did have, or should that be slides and slithers, were not all that much fun (mostly shopping trips), even though they did keep me moving a bit. What between our place and my poor Mum's, lots of housework got done though, and every little does help.

Overslept a bit this morning (it was not a good night at all!) so a lovely bowl of porridge was right off the menu. A slice of seedy bread with low-fat Philly 'cheese' (OK, some packaged whitish stuff purporting to be cheese) had to do, rapidly washed down with a quick cuppa before dashing off to catch the bus. Made it. Phew!

My customary morning walk to work after the bus journey was nice (no, I didn't get to see the eclipse), but then it's been absolutely manic this morning so nothing at all at coffee break - not even a drink :-( That is going to have to change!

Thankfully, a very welcome stop for lunch came at last, albeit working at my desk while it was munched. An Ainsley Harriott Szechuan Hot & Sour Cup Soup (pretty tasty for packaged stuff, warming and not at all bad at just 57 calories), a Pink Lady apple, which was gorgeous, and a small scraping of Greek yoghurt (that was the last smidgen in the pot). Shame I don't have time for a walk today but tomorrow... it's a sure thing.

I will probably have some pomelo mid-afternoon, then tonight will be home-made cauliflower soup and some bread and, probably, a bit of fruit.

It may sound funny but, after managing to avoid it over the holidays, it would be all too easy to start putting weight on right now. Several people have brought leftover Christmas treats in to share and it is tempting ('specially those delicious looking Belgian chocolates), but that isn't the way I want to start this new year.

No, I want to make a sensible start and get my motivation humming again. The rower will be my next add-in, then the abs work, and then...who knows, but it'll be something to move me forward!

A lovely Christmas prestent

2011-01-01T15:49:00.000Z

Festivities over, back to real life. Well, I say that, but things haven't really been very 'festive' at all this year. My lovely hubby has been a poorly bunny since well before Christmas and it kind of took the 'cheery' edge off things. He still isn't very well now... but I'm sure (touching wood, crossing fingers and spitting in hat) he'll be back on his feet before too long. Probably just in time to go back to work :-(

Ah well, at least it's meant that I haven't had to do the festive buffet tightrope walk this year... choosing the healthiest, least sugary or fat-filled, smallest portions I can while conveying my total delight at the spread to a hostess with 'deep-fry-me' as the main method of cooking. Sounds both ungrateful and 'bah humbug', doesn't it. Sorry, but gets to me sometimes. It IS possible to provide healthy and tasty nibbles - honest!

Having said that, I have felt mopey with lovely hubby being ill, so have found myself unduly tempted by the tin of Quality Street chocolates on the dining table... and I don't even really like them. Ho hum.

OK, enough of the moaning - let's get to the good stuff.

Christmas eating has been pretty moderate, all in all, and I've actually managed to shed a pound, which is rather nice. More through disinterest than true commitment to weight loss, I'll admit, but I won't look this gift horse in the mouth!

And... wait for it. I've received a lovely Christmas present - in fact, it could not be better!

I had some blood tests done before Christmas (a long story but it follows on from the thyroid thing) and went for my results yesterday. My GP was pleased overall and things are OK. Large sighs of relief can be heard!

But, the really good news was that she was delighted with my cholesterol figures. She told me she'd be really pleased if the Total Cholesterol result of 3.8mmol/l showed up if I was taking statins, but to see that figure just through my decent diet and exercise was great. And, with an HDL reading of 1.7mmol/l the balance between HDL and LDL is good too. Woohoo!

Our health is SO important. Without good health everything in life is so much harder. Losing the weight (even if I'm not done yet), and getting fitter and learning to choose to eat healthy foods has been so good for me. Learning to make this a sustainable part of 'normal life' not thinking of any part of it as 'temporary' or a 'diet' has had so many benefits already, and now this. I am really so very, very pleased with this fabulous news I can't express the way it makes me feel!

It's spurring me on to stick with the changes I've made and make more changes for the better in 2011. Let's make it a fantastic year... together. What do you say?

Struggles, yes... but I haven't given up

2010-12-15T15:57:00.000Z

So, if anyone out there is still reading this... well, that says it all really.

For various reasons in recent times things haven't been and aren't going too well. However, despite some struggles I am just about managing to maintain my weight at about 60kg to 61kg. No major weight gain, I'm pleased to say.

Not quite what I'd like to be saying (for this read 'please Santa, can I have a smaller number for Christmas?') but sometimes life just gets in the way, doesn't it.

Still, in the main I remain undefeated and will get back into the full-effort swing of things again as soon as I can manage it. Looking after 'me' and getting back to my prior level of fitness needs to be much more of a priority - and it will be.

So, I want to wish everyone well over the festive season and to say, whatever your struggles are and however hard the journey may seem to be, just never give up on yourself. Nil desperandum, or as L'Oréal's famous advertising slogan says, with much fluttering of eyelashes and coquettish glances... "Because you're worth it". And we are!

Merry Christmas!

One (small) step at a time

2010-11-17T08:57:00.000Z

How are things going with looking after 'me'? Well, a bit better... not teriffic, but certainly better.

I'm drinking a lot more water and have switched to lemon tea, which I'm enjoying a lot more than tea with milk during the day. Salt intake, or care with, is firmly on my radar. I've cut the carbs back quite hard, although there is always room for improvement. Also, food choices and portions are more under control (although I did resort to a sizeable brandy when I eventually made it home last night).

I am back to the rower and some abs work first thing in the morning and will build this up bit by bit. I guess it must be doing me some good as just about everywhere feels just a tad achy. That'll ease though and is a good reminder of just how far into the pit of slothfulness I'd managed to descend. The walking is still fine, although I think it may take a back seat to an expected hectic day tomorrow.

In my head, however, things are not so good. I am really having to be hard on myself and 'make' myself do this at the moment. Picture a sulky child dragging her heels over a trip to the dentist. There is no real sense of motivation (I'm trying to fake it but it isn't actually here) and no real joy in 'doing things right' just now. Again, I'm hoping that, as habits become more settled, that'll change for the better.

Looks like I'm not alone in struggles at the moment. Just read Lynn's post and she seems to be in a similar, not so great, place. If you've some spare motivation and inspiration lurking in a dusty drawer, maybe snap a little off and send just a teensy bit to Lynn and me?

I guess the big difference between 'me' now and the old, obese 'me' is that I know what I need to do and am not stumbling around in the dark trying both to figure out what will work and do to actually do it. Keep going - things can only get better.

A lot on my plate...

2010-11-15T15:43:00.002Z

Yep, in all sorts of ways (family, work, health, etc.) this statement is true, but...oooh dear.

OK, let's get to it. The scales have jumped up and down a fair bit over the last few weeks. Having only just finished congratulating myself on a minor victory in dropping back to 60kg, the needle leapt up to 62kg overnight! Insert rude word of choice here. The thing is back down a tad this morning, at 61kg, although I'm not altogether happy with this figure still. But, yes, I know it could be worse - a lot worse.

Started writing an 'I'm completely fed up so I'm giving up and taking a break' sort of post a few days ago. I'm sooo glad it didn't make it onto the blog. In a moment of clarity I realised it would have been like a license to gain if I'd really carried it through. And I do not want to go there.

A long hard think revealed that some of this fluctuation and gain would undoubtedly be water retention (need to watch that salt like a hawk). Some of it probably reflects the fact that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should (OK, you know what to do... drink hot water if you can't face it cold). Some of it highlights a recent increased interest in starchy carbohydrates (an autumnal problem, as I think I'm part hedgehog and want to hibernate!). Some of it shows the low dose of exercise I've been taking recently (once again, you know what to do, fat lass). All of these things count.

But, being honest... much of it probably means I haven't quite got my head back to weight-loss portions again and quite simply I'm eating too much. So I have, in another sense too, had a lot on my plate.

So, starting all over again and being mindful of what and how much I eat, today's intake so far has been...
Breakfast - half a small bowl porridge (oatmeal with 1:1 semi-skimmed milk and water), breakfast cup of tea with skimmed milk
Break - the other half bowl of porridge, one clementine and a mug of lemon tea
Lunch - carrot, celery, swede, cauli and broccoli crudites and small pot (c.1-2 tbs) of Greek yoghurt/Marmite dip (eaten half before my walk, and half after). One BIG mug (over a pint) of hot water before walk, another after.

Later will consist of...
Break - small box of pomelo (roughly equivalent to a small orange). One BIG mug of hot water.
Dinner - home-made veggie soup and a restrained approach to the bread! Another BIG mug of hot water.
Then just before bed, maybe a mug of Options hot chocolate drink to get me to sleep.

And exercise?
Not a great night (yet again!) so slept late. Didn't get organised in time for the rower this morning so a long lunchtime walk (c.10,000 steps so far and more to come) and onto the rower tomorrow. Not exactly great but better than nowt!

C'mon, get with it, stick with it and build on it, fatty. Get those calories out > calories in. You know it makes good sense.

Feeling very sheepish and embarassed

2010-11-10T10:52:00.001Z

Oh well, I suppose I'd better get this over with. It's confession time. Hmmm, the fact that I haven't been here probably suggested that things were not altogether great in weight loss land, eh?

Currently, I am very unhappy with myself and that is putting it as politely as I can. Somehow I seem to have forgotten about taking care of 'me' and have been back to my old foolish ways. OK, it isn't a complete, unmitigated disaster but it is still not really what I would like to be in a position to report. In the last few weeks (since I disappeared off the radar, I guess), I've let my 'sensible' self be tempted into indolence. I have hopped completely off the steep and rocky uphill road to progress and wandered merrily along the pretty, downhill, easy life lanes (er, actually it's rather more like gain lanes) .

It started on our holiday, which was absolutely lovely, when I was not exactly 'good' in terms of what I ate. Mildly careful, maybe, but not really good and certainly not eating in weight loss mode. I only gained a little weight at that stage though and, foolishly, thought I would easily get that shifted. I can almost hear someone thinking 'yeah, right!'.

Problem is, since we've been home I have been extremely busy (work and community things going on seemingly constantly) and I've also been fairly stressed for various reasons so I haven't focused on eating sensibly or in small portions (quite the opposite!) or on doing any exercise other than walking. I haven't been mindful. A rather poor excuse, all this is, but it's the only one I have.

The stoopidest thing of all is that I 'know' doing this will mean I gain weight and lose tone. I can also, sadly, report that during this period of doing the wrong thing rather than the right I haven't felt fit, or strong, or healthy, or energetic, or good about myself. When I'm doing the right thing, I do!

The result was that my weight drifted it's way all the way back up to 61kg and I look flabbier. So what's the big deal? Much as I hate to admit it, that's exactly where I was at the end of September when I issued myself a challenge to get down to 57kg by 15th November. Whilst I've managed to get about a kilo of that gain shifted, with five days to go I think it is pretty clear that this is not now a realistic goal unless I surgically remove one leg!

There's been a lot of grouching and kicking of posteriors in the last day or two. Why on earth, I kept asking, do I do this to myself time and time again. Then I read something that Diana wrote a few days ago which really made me think. I'm a fair way convinced that what she talks about is part of my problem too. That is my weight loss expectations v. reality. I think I've been struggling to come to terms with the fact that my magic 'weight loss' bullet isn't quite a shiny as I'd hoped it would be and, while there have been lots of positives and benefits (and there truly have), shedding flab doesn't solve everything and transform life into the picture perfect existence I think I'd half hoped for. Life still steamrollers us all sometimes, and I need to look for alternative methods to deal with my stresses and worries, whilst continuing to take care of 'me' properly.

Right now though, I need to get my head on straight and claw my way back down the numbers again... as a start, towards the 59kg I'd just managed to achieve before we went away... and then keep on going and get to that target 57kg. Focus fat lass!

Back on track and soup(er) food!

2010-10-18T14:48:00.001+01:00

Good news. Despite already coming down with cold/bug no. 2 of this autumn (dammit!), I'm getting back into the swing again and feeling a lot better for it. Sniffy and grumpy and dopey and sneezy (and probably several other of the seven dwarves), but better. There's some fresh fruit and vegetables back in my lunchbox once more (OK, grapes and apples anyway) and these are being enjoyed with suitable delight!

What's more, I've fallen in love all over again. Truly, madly and very deeply indeed.

The object of my affections is my lovely hubby. There's a general sort of all-encompassing love, as befits somebody with a wonderful wedding anniversary fast approaching... and an additional quite specific love and affection for his uncanny (there's a pun in there, should you wish to giggle) ability to make the tastiest, healthiest soups on the planet from, seemingly, the 'nothing much' that remains in the darker reaches of the fridge!

Most often they are veggie soups, usually a mixture of various different veggies, but sometimes they'll be based on a delicious home-made chicken stock or laced with the odd leftover scrap of meat if we have it lurking in the fridge. A few simple and wholesome ingredients are transformed into steaming bowls of tasty goodness with (apparently) miminal effort on my man's part. That begs the question though - why aren't mine that good?

Sometimes he'll make broth-type soups - like divine bowls of cabbage and bacon soup, or maybe a veggie broth with a few bits 'n bobs of teeny pasta shapes. On other occasions we'll have his thick and warming whizzed veg soups - the velvety ones which include cauliflower are my particular favourites. Just a little bit of cauli makes them soooooo creamy and delicious. Yum!

To be honest, these lovely soups have been my saving grace over the last week or so. I had been suffering from a serious case of the winter 'eat anything' munchies and the scales were beginning to reflect this new-found obsession with food... any food... in a rather disturbing manner.

But, the beautifully warming and satisfying soupy evening meals have (quite literally) tipped the balance and those worrying increases have morphed into decreases once again. Who knows, I may yet hit my interim target of 59kg before our holiday by the end of this week. A bit optimistic, but let's see, eh.

What's also helping is increased walking. Last week I clocked up an absolute minimum of 10,000 steps every day (indeed, today, I'm at around 10,000 steps and it's only just after lunch), with a couple of days topping over 16,000 steps. That's panning out to somewhere between 5 and 7 miles per day, on average, which makes up a little for the continued lack of rowing (I'm still coughing and wheezing too much for it at the moment).

I'll postpone the rower until we are home again - hopefully fully fit - and add in a few more abs exercises at that stage too. Never fear, I haven't forgotten my longer term goal of getting that belly apron cut down to size. Onwards ever...

Human failings

2010-10-13T10:27:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. With feeling more human again and eating more normally as a result, I seem to have moved completely to the other end of the spectrum and been really rather silly.

What with catching up from the infection (which still hasn't gone completely), worries in family life, travelling at the weekend, good old Mother Nature's monthly surprise, some seriously long/busy work days and a lot of stress (and yes, I do know that is just the way life goes) I've craved... and given into, so eaten... way too heavily from the carbohydrate storecupboard and ingested more sugar and salt than I usually would in a month!

Fresh veggies and fruit seems to have been set aside in favour of warming 'somethings'. Why, for heaven's sake?

It may be too, with the weather turning colder, that I've been unthinkingly switching into a semi-hibernation mindset and 'stocking up' for winter. That really has to stop - I do not need to carry my own insulation around with me. That's why the good Lord gave us sheep... to make woolly sweaters!

Whatever is actually behind this, I can't say I feel great 'cos that would be a lie. I feel tired and heavy and leaden and unenergetic... and pretty sheepish right now! I also feel fatter - something that my waistbands and bathroom scales would agree with! Just a shade UNDER 60kg has become just a shade OVER 60kg, and if I don't stop this in it's tracks...

C'mon fat lass. Get a grip and turn this around. Hop back on the rower, even if it does make you cough, and walk EVERY lunchtime! You can do it.

Human again...

2010-10-08T08:39:00.003+01:00

...well mostly. I didn't needed the b***! inhaler at all yesterday (hooray!) and it only came out once the day before. Yes, the infection is losing the battle. The fat lass is winning the war.

Went for a lunchtime walk yesterday with something approaching enthusiasm. I was knackered afterwards, mind you. Even after a full night's sleep last night I'm pretty tired today too. OK, so there is some distance to go until I'm properly over this thing. But a corner has been turned.

Eating is more normal now (although the cough sweet taste is still an issue - grrr, spit, wash mouth out) and I have put a pound or so back on. I seem to be hovering around just over 59kg to just a shade under 60kg again. I'm OK with that - it is to be expected. I just wish tea tasted good again. While I like hot water... and am very grateful for it, it just isn't my beloved cuppa.

Anyway, I'm feeling positive again and, if this keeps up, I'll be back on the rower on Monday (crosses fingers while types). Even feeling rubbish I sort of missed it.

A treat... and I'm going to enjoy it

2010-10-05T16:32:00.000+01:00

Well, there's somewhat mixed news to report. This bloody chest infection is still with me, despite the inhaler and antibiotics, so I still feel considerably less than 100%... although I am a fair bit better.

Because things are not yet back to normal, for some of the time food still isn't really all that attractive (although I did eat like a horse yesterday) and much of it still doesn't taste anything like 'right' at all. This is probably, in part at least, down to the all-pervasive flavour of various throat sweets, sucked madly in an attempt to shut the damn cough up. Moans to herself... why can't they make something which isn't so flamin' sickly sweet - bleh! This leads me to the treat which I'll 'fess up to later.

The lack of enthusiasm for eating, together with an increased liquid intake (since regular mugs of hot water are keeping me going), has had one positive effect. The scales now put me just a whisker under 59kg (the interim milestone I had hoped to reach by mid-October). Sure, I'll admit I'm happy with the number, but rather less so with the method by which it was reached! Still, never look that gift horse in the mouth, eh?

And, speaking of a lack of enthusiasm, wow, am I ever dog tired. So much so I could sleep for England! Exercise is right off the cards for now and the coughing makes even the thought of it challenging - just the walk getting to work is an effort at the moment, but that'll improve I guess.

Ah yes, that treat. Well since it it is now the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness... and chilly mornings, of course... breakfasts have changed from the summer routine to my much-loved porridge! Since I like it so much*, my new treat is a small pot of cold, semi-set porridge for morning break to eat with my customary apple. I can almost hear the 'yuck' from the doubters amongst you, but if you've never tried cold porridge, trust me, it's delicious. Can't say it looks pretty but...

* we make it with jumbo oats, cooked with half skimmed milk and half water... and absolutely NO sweetening at all! Have tried it all ways but this one is the best to my mind. Never could figure why it still tastes creamy... but it does.

I probably won't keep going with this for too long. After all, an apple really should suffice, shouldn't it. But, for now, I'm relishing my morning treat pot.

Resentment and reassurance

2010-10-01T12:42:00.000+01:00

I don't know if you are like me, but when you are at a low ebb that inner brat makes a bid for dominance.

Yep, she's right here, sulking, stamping her feet and whining 'don't want to' loudly and persistently. While the brat isn't winning at the moment, she is still making her presence felt at every opportunity.

This time, what the brat doesn't want to do is be sensible and use her inhaler. She bleats that it 'isn't fair' to have to rely on it after two years without needing it once! Stoopid? Yes, because gasping for breath (periodically) tells the logical bit of 'me' that the assistance is just as much needed as the antibiotics.

This feeling of bitter resentment can be all too familiar, can't it. My brat responds similarly with food and treats - that 'want it now!' moment I'm sure we've all been faced with. She sulks and throws a tantrum if she is denied, despite the sensible part of 'me' knowing that she's out of order. But, I guess it's just one of those things we learn to deal with as best we can, trying to keep the adult part of ourselves firmly in control.

Sometimes it is all too easy for self-doubt to slide in though. For the adult part of us to lose heart, worry that we are wrong, or odd or somehow lacking. I know that has happened to me many times in the past. Times like when I felt that, for all the positive progress I was making, the negatives outweighed it.

An example... I was jubilant when I'd got down to a size 18 (from a 24) and had bought a skirt in this fabulous new size. Then I saw a photo of myself wearing it and my buoyant mood hit the floor. It seemed to me that I looked as fat and bulgy as ever and I felt like quitting. The journey seemed way too hard, the destination too far in the distance.

Another example was finally reaching a 'normal' weight and BMI but being very upset that, when I looked in the mirror, my belly still sagged and bulged and made me feel inadequate. Somehow my progress wasn't 'worth it'.

What saved me, on those occasions and many others like them, was the reassurance I found by reading the highlights and low spots of other people's journeys. I'm talking about you chaps out there in Blogland. Reading about your feelings made me realise that what I felt wasn't unusual, but the low points were just part of the process. You guys kept me going because you did - and you gave me reassurance that I was not alone, or strange, or ungrateful, or just plain crazy.

I guess what I've been trying to say (to myself, as well as to anyone who reads this) is keep going and take strength, support and reassurance from the people who know what you are going through. They know because they are going through it, or have been there, too. Tell each other what's in your head, even if it sometimes seems too negative to talk about. It may just help someone (like me) to see that we are not alone. That the struggle is something we can manage... with a little support from our friends.

A little help needed

2010-09-29T15:09:00.002+01:00

OK, time to stop the wishful thinking.

It's had it's chance to leave, but that darned bug just isn't going to give up and go away without some ass-kicking assistance! In the last day or two it's settled in nicely and made itself completely at home in my lungs. Ah, bless it, it has it's feet planted comfortably on the table, slippers on and pipe lit.

Time for a visit to my friendly neighbourhood doc, methinks. She listened to those funny wheezy rattling noises, 'hmmm'd' and 'hah'd' a bit, declared it to be 'not too bad', and set to writing out a prescription for some nice antibiotics. Yet another chest infection, eh? Right then, that could explain why I feel like five-day-old leftovers.

Well, looking on the bright side, things could be worse. At least 'sleeping' sitting upright in the chair means I can listen to the World Service broadcasts in the middle of the night. Amazing what you learn!

Normal stuff will resume as soon as the buggy critter takes note and disappears. The challenge to shift that apron has merely been put on temporary hold.

Bleh!

2010-09-28T10:15:00.000+01:00

Looks like I was riding for a fall... the lords of misrule obviously overheard me being positive so decided to drop a little extra problem into the mix. Thanks guys - I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the stinking cold!

Yep, the fat lass looks like a close relative of that other social outcast, Rudolph, at the moment. Taking out shares in Kleenex would have been a good move, methinks. And, after several days with an attractive sandpaper throat, she is now hacking delightfully - just think Marlboro man.

Suffice it to say that exercise has been put on temporary hold until my chest is capable of drawing in a breath without coughing and that darned head stops pounding. Then again, speaking of things being 'put on hold', so has eating very much as almost everything (including my beloved tea) has tasted like old washing-up water. Mmmm, yummy!

Oh, those scales? I guess they probably have dropped. Frankly my dear, I don't really give a damn right now.

As I said... bleh!

Just a quickie

2010-09-22T15:04:00.000+01:00

Phew! I'm feeling more on balance - in part because the exercise and eating have gone well for a few days. There's a lesson in there, somewhere.

As the sun was shining this morning I went for a slightly extended walk, and then got out again midday (hooray!). Fresh air is such a wonderful thing. It makes a huge difference to my frame of mind.

Yes, I'm still stressed and worrying like crazy (and now, on top of everything, my lovely hubby is not well and that throws me too), but thankfully I seem to be stronger and better able to handle it.

Aching abs and a tired bod suggest I might see a teensy drop on the scales by Monday. Hope so. That should motivate me onwards ever...

Increases

2010-09-21T16:51:00.000+01:00

No, no! Not the weight again, thank goodness, although it hasn't begun to drop at all noticeably, at least not just yet - though why would it as I've only just got my bottom back into the saddle. But, there are a couple of things that seem to have increased.

The first one is a bad one - it's 'me'. Or rather the picture of 'me' that I'm carrying in my mind at the moment. I know it isn't 'real' but it sure feels that way (gawd, but emotion v. logic can be an epic battle sometimes). It is probably a lot to do with being under stress (frail elderly parent + unexpected problem + caring at a distance = big time guilt + helplessness = stress!) but I'm feeling like that turquiose chappie in the picture at the moment - and it's making me want to hide under a rock and stuff my face. However, I am NOT going to do that!

And the other increase? Well, it's a positive one. Just a little experiment with the rowing, increasing my morning's movement by a couple more minutes (adding an extra fifty strokes). Not a lot, I know, but every little effort will help.

The dreaded abs beast is earning it's keep in earnest again too (I had become a bit of a slacker, methinks) and I may be able to increase the reps there a bit too... if I get organised and make packed lunches in the evenings so I'm not doing the headless chicken dance in the kitchen in the mornings!

Fat Grump said something in her post today about weight struggles and how food can be our "drug of choice". She went on to say that "like addicts we use it to calm ourselves and to make our world right for the few minutes or so that we indulge". Boy, do I ever know what she meant and I'm fighting that addiction really hard at the moment.

How about just trying to replace my 'drug of choice' with one which is not so harmful? Maybe try leaning on the exercise instead.

Getting there... slowly. That's always been my motto and it's as true now as it was when I first started.

Restart?... Reinvention?... Whatever!

2010-09-20T17:11:00.000+01:00

OK, lots of thinking has passed under my bridge - all about where I am, what I like and dislike and what I want. The result? I finally have a plan to work to again.

The decision is made - I do indeed want to shed a few more of those pesky pounds. Ah well now, if I'm being absolutely honest (and that is the only way to be, my dear fat lass), what I actually want isn't so much a lower number on the scale (although that'd be quite nice) or a smaller dress size, but to rid myself of that unpleasing spongy blobbiness which resides just south of the old belly button.

It isn't just loose skin, you see. Somewhere underneath it there is actually some moderately firmish muscley stuff, just yearning to see the light of day. Trouble is, not only is there that flap of leftover skin on top to contend with, but the apron still holds my secret stocks of FAT, or BLUBBER, call it what you like... probably just in case I get stuck in a blizzard or marooned on a desert island for a month or more.

Loose skin is one thing, but the apron-filling is... er, let's just say not my best feature. So yep, I have YOU in my sights, flabby apron - you'd better watch out!

That said, it's a bit of an airy-fairy, woolly sort of goal, isn't it... doing 'something' to diminish the belly. Hmmm, that way lies failure so a 'firm' plan is called for (if you'll pardon the pun). Sorry to lapse into the dreaded management-speak but it needs to be a SMART goal - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. Nothing nebulous about it, so I don't have any excuse to just bimble along where I am any longer.

So, I've set myself a specific and measurable target of reaching 57 kg (that's 126 lbs or 9 stone 0 lbs). I think this should be both attainable and realistic and ought to help with the apron.

OK, so I weigh in at 61 kg this morning or 9 stone 8 lbs (grrr, hiss, spit, dammit - that's gone up and I'm both shocked and none too pleased that it is darned well higher than last week!). But don't despair, fat lass. It's got a lot to do with that stressful week/weekend (long story) and if you keep your head the damage isn't irreparable (sigh... and it was supposed to be a nice neat half-stone loss... ho hum).

Anyhow, that just leaves the timely part to deal with. I'm going to aim for a 1lb loss per week. More would be lovely but just not realistic at all. By my shaky maths, in eight weeks time, say by the end of the second week of November (OK, by the 15th if you want to be picky) if I pull my finger out, I should be able to report that I've hit the 57 kg mark. I'll tell you up front, it's going to be an 'interesting' challenge with two birthdays, an anniversary and a holiday to contend with (week six is going to be a doozy!), but what the heck.

Reading this back, with those events on the horizon it actually seems quite ambitious so I'm going to insert a way-point about halfway through to make it seem an bit less big and scary. Sooo, by the time the holiday rolls around I'm looking to be down to 59 kg. Oh dear. Is that rational thinking or a cop out? Hmmm, not sure yet.

Then the plan is onwards, ever downwards from there to 57 kg.

The next step is the 'how to' and, to remind myself, I've looked back at my original 'rules of engagement' and picked out those critical points that apply to me now as much as they did back then.
These were to:
* think before I eat (OK, I mostly do this but... soooo, fatty, do you really, really want it?)
* watch that stress (remember, upsets should not translate into 'eat me' time)
* eat mindfully (take time to enjoy each mouthful... and no like it = ditch it)
* reduce those portions (sure they are much smaller, but they could be tweaked)
* cut down on the salt intake (it has crept up a bit again!)
* cut down on the alcohol I drink (no, it's never much in a week but...)

And as far as exercise is concerned, and looking back to what has worked for me in the past.... every day I WILL:
* get on the rower (minimum 300 strokes - build up if the early morning rush permits)
* do a full set of abs crunches (oooh yes, every last one of 'em)
* beat 10,000 steps walking (OK, so where did I put that pedometer?)
I'll hunt around for an exercise evening class I like too. I fancy something 'different' and fun - maybe weights related. By the way, I'd welcome suggestions for other ways to target that belly too.

Then we'll see what the apron looks like at the new weight. Yes, I do know it won't disappear altogether, but if I'm happy(ish) with it and there's a chance I can wear those darned Levis I'll ease off, see how things go and whether I can maintain there. If still unhappy with the apron, then I may look at going for shedding a few pounds more. Who knows... the world is my oyster... or maybe a scallop or a cockle? In any case, it's my bivalve :-)

So..., in the epic words of Frankie Laine, "Move 'em out, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on"

Smiley happy people

2010-09-17T13:20:00.000+01:00

Ooooh yeah, that's me today! Non-scale victories are such lovely surprises sometimes.

A slim, fit and stunningly beautiful old work-colleague, who I haven't seen for well over two years, came in for a visit today. She sort of waved 'hi' in passing, then stopped dead and came back to my desk. She'd realised that, yes, it actually was 'me' she was speaking to as she'd not really recognised me.

When I stood up to give her a hug, she literally jumped up and down when she saw the difference. Funny, but although losing weight has made me happy (and how!), I can't quite get my head around it making other people happy too. It's great, but somehow a little bit puzzling.

She said some really lovely things and I have to admit I was getting quite blushy and flustered. Then I realised something that really shook me. She and I are not altogether dissimilar in size now. Holy moly!

The fat lass is flabbergasted!

Indulgences and other stories

2010-09-13T15:39:00.000+01:00

Oh no... a day out at the seaside and a very posh dinner (er, out, not in) with the family!

Much of last week I was pretty twitchy about the looming weekend. I didn't know how I was going to keep up my new-found motivation and enthusiasm when faced with potential indulgences left, right and centre. Just as I was beginning to get moving in the direction I wanted once again... was the weekend going to de-rail me?

But no, looking back over the last few days I can see a big difference between my fears (that oh so frightening picture in my mind) and the way things actually happened in reality. Aaaargh, those head games we play, huh?

The seaside day started really early so skipped the rowing and just had tea and yoghurt for breakfast, since it was quick. The journey included a morning stop for coffee and a sticky bun on the way. The good news - the 'cake' I picked was a tiny, but beautifully presented, square of oatmeal, cherry and almond flapjack. By far the smallest, healthiest, least gooey item on the cake-stand and it really wasn't a hard choice to make at all - it tasted as good as it looked. Fabulous. I do so love being offered an occasional 'relatively healthy' option as well as all those large wedges of buttery, cream-filled gateaux-type confections on display.

A modest sandwich lunch, and we walked quite a lot (heaven) including trudging ankle-deep over banks of shingle, which has to use up a calorie or two, surely. We rounded off the day with freshly cooked fish and chips, a seaside must-do. Without even thinking, I automatically chose the 'small' portion of cod and chips. No having to argue with myself to do so - wow. I picked off a fair bit of the batter from my fish, mostly just eating the lovely firm white flesh inside. A good half of the chips, delicious as they tasted, were left over too, perfect to feed the marauding seagulls. We didn't have anything else to eat... that day.

The next day saw this fat lass (and lovely hubby) blitzing the car until it gleamed, in readiness for driving to our posh 'do' in the evening, frantically doing the washing and housework and rushing about far too much to be thinking of food. In fact, I'd pretty much forgotten that food existed until mid-afternoon when a strange grumbling noise could be heard above the racket from the hoover! Time for a small snack, methinks, then a rest to cool off and calm down before getting dolled-up in a cocktail dress for the first time in my life.

Oh wow...our meal was absolutely amazing. A creamy artichoke soup with shredded duck breast garnish to start, wonderfully cooked rack of lamb, with braised kale and a (thankfully very small!) finger of Pommes Anna as a main course, then a devilishly decadent dessert selection. Fantastic flavours, gorgeously presented and... nouvelle cuisine-sized portions (grin). Perfect for me, although the men were somewhat less impressed. We didn't stay for the dance afterwards. To be honest, none of us could recognise the music playing (Lordy, but I felt a fuddy-duddy) and my high heels were killing my knee so I was happy to go home. A bottle of sparkling water rather than a brandy ended the evening beautifully and I didn't feel at all stuffed or bloated.

Two things stand out about the weekend.

Firstly, without really thinking too hard about it, I didn't go mad and overeat or choose too much 'bad' stuff. Things really have changed. Even if I do 'slip up' now and again, the weight-loss lessons don't just vanish into the mist at the prospect of an indulgent weekend. That is very good to know.

Secondly, I actually felt like a 'normal' woman. Now I know this might sound odd, but I've never before been in a position to wear anything like the dress I wore this weekend. It is terminally 'girly' - black and lacy and pretty and strappy with a boned bodice! I was very nervous (er, closer to scared witless) about it beforehand and I have to admit I felt old and fat and out of my depth before we left. But, surrounded by other women in similar attire, I didn't feel like a freak or that I stood out like a sore thumb, once we'd arrived. I just felt 'normal' and that was such a fabulous feeling - I can't describe how good. Yep, things really have changed.

Indulgences... I wouldn't recommend them all the time, but sometimes, maybe just sometimes they are a darned good thing.

Just found what I need

2010-09-06T13:13:00.000+01:00

OK, so where can I buy some?

End of summer blues

2010-09-06T12:01:00.001+01:00

An autumn chill, and the prospect of winter, seems to have landed on me with an audibly big thump this morning. The weekend's sun has disappeared (taking all summery thoughts with it), it's dark whan my alarm clock drags me out of bed and onto the rower (grrrr) and I wore a scarf for the first time in ages this morning. I feel distinctly bleh!

While I type, I'm nibbling fresh peas from the pod, but they are much more starchy than they've been of late and I know it won't be long until I won't see them in the market. My gorgeous greengages and plums will also disappear. Not a happy bunny.

I'm still mulling over exactly 'what' I want to do after my last post's rant so I still don't have a plan to work to. I feel rudderless. Sorry to be such a miserable baggage but I'm just not seeing life as 'glass half full' right now.

Yes, I know it could be worse. The logical bit of me gets it. Unfortunately the emotional bit is well off kilter. I need an injection of positive thoughts. In the absence of that, I'll go out and stomp at lunchtime.... probably growling at random passers-by as I do so.

Steady as she goes?

2010-09-01T16:45:00.002+01:00

Ah, the curse of a British Bank Holiday weekend. Being at home with my darling lovely hubby for three whole days was absolutely wonderful and I only wish I could do more of it... but being out of my usual routine means that things can easily slip a bit. So slip they did.

No, it wasn't all bad and the eating was actually pretty sensible, with generally decent choices and portions (well, mostly... if you discount that cheese). But it wasn't all that great either, as... [embarrassed squirm]... aside from some walking, housework and a huge heap of ironing the size of a blue whale to plough through, the weekend's quota of exercise was nowhere near what I'd planned or hoped.

All of this means that, overall, the scales are holding steady at pretty much where I was last week. That's sitting on or near the 60kg mark, having jiggled around the line for some time.

OK, so I haven't gone up. Yippee! Definitely cause to feel pleased. But the status quo also flags up the fact that I've missed a golden opportunity. A chance to get that marker moving down below the figure I've been seeing, off and on, for what seems like quite a looooong time. And that missed opportunity means that I'm not one step closer to actually wearing those teensy-tiny pale blue Levi jeans hanging mockingly in my wardrobe.

Feels really quite ironic that, over the weekend, I had to dispose of a lovely long denim skirt which had apparently grown a bit since I last wanted to wear it in early spring. Now too big in the waist it hung from my hips and dragged on the floor (tall I'm not!). Woah, when did that happen? Dammit, but I liked that skirt! Ho hum, back it went to the charity shop from whence it came.

Ooooh, now wait a minute - I don't suppose that maybe, possibly, those jeans might have...? Nah, no such luck!

OK, I can hear someone think, you aren't losing but surely you are fine where you are? Er, that's actually a pretty good question.

It's time I set aside some quiet 'me' time for reflection, took stock and really looked hard at where I am and whether I'm happy to stay here. Maintenance is all very well... if it's where I've decided I want to be. But, right at this moment, I'm not sure I've truly made the decision to maintain rather than continue to shift more flab... for all I seem to be doing it.

Yes, I'm a lot less fat than I've been in years. Yes, I'm fitter and healthier than I used to be. Yes, I can wear 'girly' things without cringing (usually). Yes, that all makes me pretty happy. But I still could be fitter than I am now (er, probably rather a lot fitter to be blunt) and I could be considerably more toned. My belly could definitely stand to lose some more of the flabby filling in that flappy, leftover 'apron' thingy, even if the apron never goes away.

If I'm absolutely honest I think I've been resting on my laurels for quite some time... and I'm not convinced that those prickly leaves are all that comfortable a bed (have you seen those pointy tips?). C'mon fat lass, don't just bimble and drift along but decide what you really do want and make a plan.

Three strikes and...

2010-08-24T16:30:00.000+01:00

We are not very far through the week at all, it's only got as far as Tuesday and already it seems that it was going to turn into one of 'those' weeks. Why?

Well, I've been fairly unmotivated of late and that sleepy old fat lass inside me has been biding her time... but this week she decided to try a take-over bid, making really pathetically lame excuses about eating and exercise, to which 'me' has been paying attention!

Yesterday morning I was 'too tired' after a hectic weekend so didn't get on the rower. Then it poured with rain at lunchtime so I didn't go walkies. In fact I sat on my tush at my desk all day and worked right through lunch and breaks too (stoopid woman!). Things had happened (not a great day with loads of problems) so I worked pretty late, to the point that lovely hubby came to collect me... so no walking again! Then, as it was so late and would be later still by the time we'd got home and cooked, we stopped off for a takeaway. Avert eyes now - I ate a whole portion of special fried rice and a pot of curried sauce even though I didn't really enjoy it. Why, for Pete's sake!

Then this morning we overslept, totally missing the alarm, so no rower once again. Breakfast was extremely rushed so I just spread some 'convenient' peanut butter on a small slice of bread... but thickly. When will I learn? I really should not ever have this deliciously evil stuff in my cupboards - I know I just cannot resist it! There was yoghurt in the fridge, an apple in the fruit bowl - both 'convenient' so why not choose those?

Another problematic morning at work, and then some sad news, saw me wolfing my lovely healthy lunch (blueberries, raspberries and Greek yoghurt) early, but then had me looking around for something to munch. The vending machine isn't all that far away and it contains delicious chocolate and crisps... It's another 'bad' day, so I was giving it some thought. It was showery outside so I decided to stay indoors too. What rubbish excuses, eh?

Then. thankfully, the penny then dropped.

OMG, what was I doing? This could be the start of the slippery slope back to the lazy and fat days. Stop looking for nibbles girl, get that bottom off the chair right now and W-A-L-K. If it rains, get wet. It won't kill you.

So I did, and got wet. It hasn't killed me. In fact I'm really pleased to have seen what I was doing and taken action straight away. It might only be a skirmish, and I may yet to win the war, but one battle down and,for today, the fat lass has lost.

Finding gratitude

2010-08-19T08:22:00.000+01:00

I've read back over a few things I've writted (both posted and unposted) recently and have spotted a bit of negativity creeping in. Hmmm, time to stop that in its tracks! There is such a lot to be grateful for in life and 'now' would seem like a good point to remind myself of just a few of those important things.

Health.
Not just my own (for which I am supremely grateful) but the health of those around me. OK, it may not be peachy-perfect health in a lot of cases... in fact, for many the opposite is true, but I still have most of my family and friends around me and, whilst I would wish better health for them all, I'm truly grateful for the fact that they are still with me. Having lost people really dear to me, the missing never stops, although lovely memories live on.

Beauty.
It is all around me, in nature, in people, and sometimes in the most unexpected places. Even the rainbow pattern of a drop of oil on a roadside puddle has a beauty... if we take just a moment to look for it. I need to open my eyes again to 'see' it and appreciate it.

Simplicity.
The little things of everyday life. The simple pleasure of biting into a crisp apple. The caress of a gentle breeze on a hot day. Hearing a forgotten song which triggers a lovely memory. The joy of quietly reading. A cool glass of water. Simple things which mean a lot. For these I'm grateful.

Love.
Probably the most important of the many things to be grateful for. The love shown in my darling lovely hubby's eyes, of course. The love of family and friends is up high on my list, but the love and kindness of strangers is a huge thing too. The sincerity and support shown by folk out in blogland is something which can surprise me (nicely) still. I mustn't take any of this for granted. There's a Turkish saying "İki gönül bir olunca samanlık seyran olur" or "If two loves each other even a hay-house is a paradise".

Strange and unsettling comparisons

2010-08-17T11:19:00.000+01:00

It's funny. Having expended so much effort and concentration in the last few years on reaching my goals, and bemoaning the status quo which seems to be the case these days, I've been brought up short to realise that much-coveted 'weight loss' is not always such a good thing.

A matter of a few days ago I was shocked rigid to realise that I've lost more in fat than my mother weighs in total. Considerably more. I don't say this in any self-congratulory way at all, but with a sense of utter incredulity. Indeed, most of this disbelief is absolute horror to realise just how little my darling Mum now weighs. Yep, we've been for another hospital visit.

I knew she was tiny. I knew she was frail. I knew she was built like a hummingbird... not even a wren or a sparrow. I also knew she was, because of various health issues, continuing to lose weight. What horrified me most was the realisiation of just how much of this has happened in the last year. The rate of change, unintentional change that is, is scary.

She now weighs a mere 35kg, and that's fully dressed with all the usual garments, a cardigan, outdoor shoes and an outdoor coat! OMG, that's only about five stone five pounds all told, so what does 'she' actually weigh without all that lot!

Less than a year ago we were fighting to keep her above six stone, worried that she'd dropped from six and a half, give or take, in a matter of months. Can't help admit it but I'm really rather worried for her. If you are the praying kind, or even if you aren't, spare her a thought... please.

Good stuff... and not so good

2010-08-04T09:08:00.002+01:00

Right, time to ponder and take stock of where I am. I'd say that things are going pretty well in many respects, although not quite so fantastically in one.

I am definitely moving that bottom more! The daily rowing is building up nicely again and, while I'm not leaping out of bed with glee at 5 a.m. to hop on, I am at least consistently getting my sleep-mazed behind onto the rower and exercising myself into some semblance of consciousness. The walking is fine and I'm stepping out and taking more pleasure in it once again, both in the morning and at lunchtimes. I already feel more in control, marginally fitter (my knees are a wee bit easier) and a little more energised despite still falling asleep at inconvenient moments way too easily.

The food side of things is also doing pretty well. My peas-in-the-pod snacks seem to be keeping me on the straight and narrow during the day and portion sizes have generally been something to pat myself on the back for. Even a meal out with some (usually quite bibulous) friends at the weekend was a success - sensible choices and not too much of a good thing. Just one small glass of dry cider then switching to sparkling mineral water - pleased with that. The only thing I've truly pigged out on this week has been some fresh, ripe Kentish cherries. Oh well, if they will reduce the price to a pittance at the supermarket when they're near their sell-by date....

My weight has decreased a smidge-idgen but, since it is only very slightly, I don't think it'll get to where I hoped it might by the end of the week. Still, I'm happy that it is headed in the right direction, however slowly. Remind self of Aesop's tortoise and hare.

But, the down side to this tale of progress is that my waist measurement has gone up... and, since the last time I consciously measured, by a whole inch. What! Huh? Scratches head and whines 'noooo...does not compute!'.

Not great timing this, as those lovely sky-blue Levi jeans now seem an awfully loooong way off from being wearable... if ever. OK, I can 'sort of' do them up... but only by laying on my back on the bed and breathing in like a madwoman. Then they are soooo utterly painted-on, skin-tight it's untrue and provide me with a muffin top no-one in their right mind could envy! Not a great look, to be fair.

The increased dimension isn't water retention, apparently, as my rings are still loose so I guess it's real gain. I've noticed that I also seem a bit bigger in the belly, around the hips, but smaller (once again!) in the bust. This doesn't feel at all fair but I'm not going to get too hung up on it.

I think the abs cruncher may be the next thing out of mothballs. Aside from that, it's just keep at it and we'll see what happens over a longer period. Onwards ever.

That kick in the pants is working!

2010-07-30T10:45:00.000+01:00

Well, praise be. OK, I haven't said a lot here recently, but there's some positive news from the fat lass at last. I am managing to scrape together a little motivation and be a good girl (or, at least, a better one) again. After a little thought and head scratching, I'm using the 'carrot and stick' approach to make sure this happens.

The first part of this 'carrot and stick' is a pair of tight trousers, which I am insisting on wearing to work despite the hot, humid, sticky weather. I'd be much more comfortable in a skirt, but this is not going to happen just yet. The trousers (particularly the waistband) are definitely a very effective stick for me right now as they are not really a summer-weight material or fabric. I can assure you, a slightly soggy (be honest - sweaty), restrictive wodge of material around my fat bit is soooo not what I want to feel all day long. So, the plan is (and it seems to be working) that it reminds me, quite forcibly, that I need to shed those excess lbs... sooner rather than later!

And, to get the loss underway, I've gone back to eating proper weight-loss portions, have cut out those 'little treats' (except for fresh peas from the pod - yum!) and am back to walking with enthusiasm. I've started my morning rowing again and plan to be as active as possible at the weekend.

The other part of the cunning plan is a big, fat, juicy carrot. This orange vegetable is actually something which I'm expecting to arrive in the post in the very near future. It's a pair of long-coveted Levi jeans, in a pale stonewashed blue. I've hummed and hahed over buying a pair for quite a long time as they are silly money. But, as a target to aim for, I think they'll be worth it so I've ordered a pair with the waist size I had when I returned from holiday.

So, how are things going? Well, not desperately quickly, but at least in the right direction. I'm hovering at just a tad above 60kg at the moment (which is a whole lot better than the 62kg point I did keep seeing on the scales!). If I keep going as I am, I may be able to get down to a more satisfactory 59kg by the end of next week... with a little luck and a downwind breeze. That'd put me right back to where I was when I came home from holiday and in a great position to move on towards my next target.... those lovely Levis!

Now I feel more in control again it's affecting all aspects of life. Actually, life feels GOOD again!

Fluctuations and losing the plot

2010-07-22T13:55:00.002+01:00

Bottoms, bottoms, bottoms... and big fat wobbly bellies, while I'm thinking about it! Sorry about that - had to get it off my chest. Er, a word of warning... there's some serious moaning coming up. Oh dear, having not written anything for a while, now this. It might be a good point to navigate away from here to some place more cheerful.

On a positive note, those blood test results came back all fine and dandy so my thyroid would appear to be firing on all cylinders. Trouble is... I'm most certainly not. So what's the problem exactly? Well, I can't really put a finger on it and that's part of the problem. I'm just not on top form at the moment. I still have no energy, feel run down (although nothing specific in the way of symptoms apart from the reappearance of cold sores!) and am constantly tired. Falling asleep at the drop of a hat seems an integral part of my life right now. Please don't tell me that it's because I'm fifty - I have no intention of 'retiring' in my head and won't accept that this is reasonable.

But, this lethargy/lack of energy is now getting to the point where it's affecting me both physically and mentally, and making me quite unhappy (OK, for this read grumpy and bloody miserable).

A point where exercise has become rather a trial, not a pleasure. I'm not even finding all that much joy in my walks at the moment. Some of the time even they're almost a chore I do because I 'ought to'. At least I am still walking but... as to anything else exercise related, nah! Firmly onto the back burner and with no foreseeable prospect of raising much enthusiasm, it would seem.

Food-wise things things have gone a bit awry too. A shame, because the weight business had seemed to have settled slightly. A bit more than a week ago I'd got back down to 60kg, which was great. Sadly, this week's weigh-in isn't quite so great. A very hectic week with my eye off the ball, followed by an indulgent weekend away (don't mention fish & chips... please) and I'm seeing 62kg on the scale again.

This is not good. I have to get myself turned around before this turns into a downward spiral. I do know that, honestly. I need to push myself to get moving again and sort out my food intake to get those lbs off.

I'm talking the talk... but I just don't seem to have the energy or enthusiasm to go for it and walk the walk too. Anyone care to give me a smart kick in the pants?

Summer delights

2010-07-08T14:56:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I stumbled across a farm shop selling small punnets of summer soft-fruits for £1 a punnet. Some of the punnets were loganberries - wow! I haven't tasted them since I was a child, when we had loganberries growing in our garden. They were beautifully juicy and ripe and tasted amazing. Eating them brought back lovely memories to make me grin too.

You see, when I was a kid we had to fence off the produce area in our garden to prevent our wee mutt from getting in.

(I don't have a photo but he looked a little like this huggable hairy happening)

Ah, furry little thief that he was! Once he'd found his way in, and he was very adept at finding new ways, he'd happily pull off every scrap of ripe fruit from anything he could, stubby tail going nineteen to the dozen as he enjoyed (quite literally) the fruits of our labours. A dog that started the day white(ish) could quite happily be pinky-purple around the muzzle by the end of it. Yes, we were the proud (?) owners of a wannabe fruitarian mutt!

His particular favourites were the sweeter fruits - strawberries, loganberries and raspberries (and he loved trips to pick blackberries and whimberries), but he'd even have a go at the gooseberry bushes now and again. Most frustrating to see the berries begin to colour nicely, wait just another day or so in anticipation, then get there to find the dog had been at them first! The only thing safe from him was rhubarb and blackcurrants, which he hated, and apples, which were too high off the ground to reach.

He was also a brilliant ratter and an inveterate egg thief. For very good reason we didn't keep our chickens for too long once he'd joined the household. If he'd ever found a way in there... oooh!

Anyway, this time I had a whole punnet of luscious loganberries to myself for lunch. They were heavenly. Hmmm, now if they still have some on sale today...

Yo-yo

2010-07-01T12:13:00.000+01:00

Up and down, down and up. Humph! Don't think it's worth going anywhere near my scales at the moment. Either they are going dotty in this heat, or I am (strangely enough, lovely hubby seems to get constant readings so I guess it's me). In the last four days the reading has varied between 60kg and 63kg, showing the two extremes in the space of a single day. Is it these pills? Don't know.

Whatever the reason it looks like my cherished 59kg is definitely off the cards for a while and I'm going to have to fight like hell to get it back. Oh well. Anyway, for now I give up! I will keep on exercising, keep eating sensibly and forget about the scales and weight and stuff until after this blasted wedding. It just isn't worth the jolt of elevated heart rate and increased blood pressure when I see those higher readings.

On a positive note, the heat (and I am NOT complaining about this amazing summery weather, quite the opposite!) and rather oppresive humidity means I'm none too interested in eating anything resembling a 'substantial' evening meal. And I'm going through a LOT of water. Even developed a taste for sparkling water, cold from the fridge with a slice of lemon. Cold? Ooooh - most unlike me.

To be honest, even lunches are not all that appealing so delicious summer fruits and yoghurt seem to feature on my menu most of the time. Last night I cooked up some gorgeous gooseberries (with Splenda, not sugar, to sweeten them) so a lovely low-fat, sugar-free fool made with yoghurt, not cream, is on the cards for tonight.

Today is different though. Today I have a serious treat - a delicious boiled duck egg for my lunch. Not quite hard-boiled (this was a 5-minute egg), so the yolk is buttery soft and a deep, rich yellow. We had it's mate for dinner last night, with seedy-bread 'soldiers' (no, they weren't spread with butter!) and it was amazingly good. OK, I did grind some salt on them, but this isn't a frequent event so I'll let myself off. I have to say that if I was asked to choose one dish for my last ever meal, this would be it. By the way, not all eggs are created equal. Always free-range (ever seen a battery duck?) and often organic - if you've never tried duck eggs, give 'em a go!

Not a happy camper

2010-06-29T13:56:00.000+01:00

Partly down to me and, I think, partly down to the new medication but my weight has risen quite dramatically. I am back to tipping the scales at 61kg and am none too pleased to be over my 'magic' nine and a half stone barrier just in time for the wedding. Grrr!

OK, I'll hold up my hand and admit that I've not been as careful as I should have been over the last week and that some of that gain will undoubtedly be my own fault. But, and I think this is a valid 'but', I have not gone mad by any stretch of the imagination. Yet a 3kg rise (that's 6.6lbs, or nearly half a stone, fer pete's sake!) in just one short week is considerably more than my minor lapses could account for. This leads me to wonder if those pretty new HRT pills are having an effect... just as it says they might in the side-effects section of the leaflet. Since I started taking them I've felt heavy and bloated, and my rings are not falling off me as they were before... although some of that may be down to the unexpectedly warm weather I guess.

So what's the thing I'm most unhappy about? The blasted mind games!

While the logical part of me realises that I haven't instantly turned into the blob or the monster from the black lagoon, the emotional side is sobbing in horror and telling me I've blown it and failed and am fat and ugly and horrible. Not a nice place to be and I'm struggling to shut out the negative messages and focus on being the sane, rational grown-up woman I thought I'd returned to. Lord! Haven't I learned anything about this business?

Well, I can't lose the lbs in the few short days until the wedding so I just have to suck it up. My dress will still fit me so I need to stop moaning and look on the bright side. Three years ago I was celebrating losing 'some' of my weight prior to my friend's wedding, and dropping a dress size or two. Think it may be time to look back at the photos from that day and then in a mirror. Get real, fat lass!

Health stuff

2010-06-21T09:48:00.002+01:00

Well, a visit to the doc proved interesting. I'd only really gone to review three months of the HRT pills, to renew my prescription and to see if there was anything to be tweaked to make it better. Yep, there was. From tomorrow I start a new set of little pills, this time based on horse not cactus extract for the progesterone phase. Hopefully this'll even out the mood swings, which have still been pretty marked and not awfully constructive for all concerned.

In passing, and mostly because lovely hubby nagged me to do so, I mentioned my lack of energy (which seems just as bad, if not worse), the fact that I'm shaking a lot these days and that I'm almost always unreasonably cold. I'd put the latter down to losing the padding which used to insulate me. But, quick as a flash, the doc booked me in for a blood test to check thyroid function. Oh!

As you do, I Googled thyroid function later. Apparently, about 1 in 50 women develop hypothyroidism (insufficient thyroid hormone) at some time in their life, but I'd never even heard of it. More and more interesting though, the list of common symptoms of hypothyroidism describes me to a tee at the moment. Hmmm, could even explain why my weight loss seems to have stalled at the moment (I'd put it down to being tired so doing less exercise, but...). Yes, I'm still sitting at that 59kg mark, despite eating weight loss portions, which is fine if a tad frustrating. So, we'll give our wee drop of blood and see what they reckon. If that's what it is, at least it's easily treated.

The lesson here - it's well worth mentioning seemingly minor 'concerns' to the doc, even if you think it's just one of those things. I really haven't learned this lesson well through life.

The old, old story

2010-06-16T13:22:00.004+01:00

Well, I'm really rather surprised today, to be honest, and I'm really rather delighted too.

We are well into June and, as I had a spare moment, I looked back at the very first post I ever wrote back in June 2007. That initial 'Oh my God! This is why I need to do it' one. Then I thought it'd be fun to read the June posts for each of the years since I started on this marathon 'journey for life'. Call it an anniversary waltz if you like.

As I'd expected, reading the old posts showed that the weight had indeed come off bit by bit as I moved from serious obesity to where I am now. It also flagged up a few of the struggles I've faced with my journey along the way. The difference between 'me' in 2007 and 'me' in 2010 is quite amazing, but we'll come to that later.

The 2007 fat lass was quite despondent about where she'd found herself and pretty scared about the future. But, thankfully, she knew enough to realise that yet another 'diet' was not the answer. She was also quite determind to change. So, she put her thinking cap on and set out a plan. She didn't have a great deal of confidence that she could 'do it' and succeed at the whole weight loss business. The obstacles to overcome seemed too great in many ways. She was even too scared to put down in writing the true highest weight she'd reached, although no-one else read the blog at that stage, and yes she did have a fair idea of what it was. She mentally shaved a good seven or eight pounds off that figure, even to herself. Nil desperandum though, she started the journey and got on with the job.
Note to present self: I reckon she earned her first gold star right then, just by starting that journey.

A year into the journey, by June 2008 she'd made some fair progress, including enlisting the help of a dietician, just to keep her on course (weight loss by name & shame?). Her weight had come down to around 78.5kg (12 stone 5 lbs) but she'd run into some pretty challenging hurdles too. Health problems were the biggest of these and she needed something drastic. That started with admitting the problem to herself and agreeing to take the GPs advice and use the very scary steroid inhaler. That really, really helped. Another gold star for the fat lass.
Note to present self: don't, don't, don't ever hide from health issues out of fear!

Two years on and 2009 saw the fat lass some five stone lighter than when she started, with much improved health and fitness. This was fantastic, although she still struggled at times and found it hard to keep that motivation going. But she never did actually quit - the stubborn old fat lass. The interesting thing is that she has begun to learn a bit more about herself by this point. One post says "I know that I shouldn't be too hard on myself ". Hmmm, these gold stars are beginning to mount up.
Note to present self: physical changes and mental ones too. Yay, that really is progress!

And now to 2010. The fat lass has come a long, long way. She's lost well over six and a half stone since she started on this new life of weight loss and improving health. OK, she still has her struggles and her bad days and still finds the journey difficult sometimes. But she has learned such a lot along the way and is a much happier, healthier fat lass these days. She is well aware that the journey isn't over yet, nor indeed will it ever be. The view may change, but the road goes ever on.

I mentioned something about the difference being amazing. Well, yes it is, so it sounds like time for a review to me.

June 2007
BMI 37.8 = Obese Class 2 *see note
Weight c.102 kg **see note
Bust 45"
Waist 39.5"
Hips 54.5"
Thigh 28"
Upper arm 14.5"

June 2010
BMI 22.3 = Normal
Weight 59kg (-43kg)
Bust 38" (-7")
Waist 27" (-12.5")
Hips 38.5" (-16")
Thigh 20.5" (-7.5")
Upper arm 10.5" (-4")

I think the body measurements give a good indication of just where the fat lass stores the excess blubber!

*Obese Class 2 - health guidance says that if you have a BMI of 35-39.99 your risk of weight-related health problems (even death) is severe. Yep, in 2007 it really was time to get serious!

**in Imperial measurements, this equates to c.225 lbs (16 stone 1 lb) at the beginning, down to 130 lbs (9 stone 4 lbs) now. Not a million miles away from a seven stone loss - I'm pretty happy about that.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so...

Wearing my most flattering blouse (I thought those stripes disguised my bulk quite well!), that was back then in 2007....

..and this is a very recent photo (in a similar pose) from the beginning of the month.

More energy please

2010-06-11T08:51:00.001+01:00

OK, where is the darned stuff hiding? I know I must have left it somewhere around here, but I can't find it at the moment.

I'm talking about my energy... or rather, the lack of it. In the last couple of weeks, ever since we returned from holiday in fact, I've felt dog-tired much of the time. Falling asleep every evening on the bus on my way home is getting a tad embarrassing! I've been putting it down to that bug (which recurred yet again at the start of the week, dammit) but am beginning to wonder if I'm merely being a wimp.

Maybe a restful weekend will give me some time to recover. Only hitch is that we don't really have a restful one on the horizon for a while. Ho hum, maybe I'd better just get on the rower and see if some work to get the blood circulating will do the trick instead.

Emerging from the chrysalis and revisiting the past

2010-06-09T11:05:00.002+01:00

This one has been quite a while in the writing. It's been rewritten and revised a dozen times or more. I suppose it may read as kind of cheesy in a way, but it more or less says what I've been thinking about rather a lot just recently.

Wikipedia has this to say about the chrysalis:
"the chrysalis stage in most butterflies is one in which there is little movement"
and then goes on to say...
"the adult butterfly emerges from this and expands its wings"

This sounds a quite lot like where I was for years but also (oooh, so much better) where I find I am these days. It seems to me that I was locked away, pretty much immobile, hiding away inside that chrysalis for far too long a time. My obesity was only one part of that, some pretty damaging relationships, crappy self-esteem and other issues abounded too. No point airing those - water under the bridge and all that jazz. The good news is that the butterfly 'me' finally eased her way out into the sunlight and is stretching her wings. That sure feels good.

As part of this process of emergence I find I've been revisiting my past. Sounds ominous, huh? Well, no. Not at all it isn't... in fact, I'm finding that, rather than the scary, dark terrain I though I'd remembered, it's turning into a rather lovely voyage of rediscovery to a distant half-forgotten land. I suppose it's part and parcel of unearthing the real 'me'.

Recently I've realised that quite a lot of the things which were important to me in some way before my sad and weighty days began in earnest, and which were abandoned during this rather dark period of my life within the chrysalis, are being resurrected.

I'm listening once again to music I used to love, but had 'set aside' for years (sometimes decades) as hearing it opened up a whole host of memories and often made me feel sad or bad in some way. Music from my sun-filled youth, before life took a turn for the cloudy and negative. Music I grew up with and was comfortable with, from people like Joni Mitchell (I recently bought a copy of 'Ladies of the Canyon' on CD and now can't stop myself singing 'The Circle Game'). Music from the Who, Led Zeppelin... and the like (she says, showing every one of her fifty years!). Doesn't mean I'll abandon my new musical loves, but it's nice to listen to my old half-forgotten friends sometimes too.

I've started re-reading some of my old favourites from my younger days too. Books from authors like Jack London and Nevil Shute are ones I've enjoyed again recently. I've been amazed to find that many of them have as much, if not more, to recommend them to my fifty-something mind as they did on first reading them in my teens and twenties. Franz Kafka and Anton Chekhov are back on my list of books to re-read too. I'm not quite back to three volumes of Lord of the Rings yet, but maybe someday... if I ever have a little more time?

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I'm appreciating life more widely now than I have done in a long time. Of course it isn't a picture-perfect, rose-spectacled 'ideal' life. No-one truly has that except in fiction, do they? I still have my moans and my struggles sometimes, my successes and the days when I just feel a failure, the sometimes painful legacy of the damage I did to my body because of my obesity and negative mindset. That's to be expected. But it's the life I'm living, it's 'my' life, and it's so much more full and beautiful and precious than I thought possible. My darling Mum has had it right all along when she's told us down the years to "count your blessings". Not sure I truly understood what she meant until now.

So is this just about the weight I've lost? No, I don't think for one moment that it is. But it probably comes from some of the lessons I've learned along the way. Maybe, just maybe I have grown up a little and learned to love the person in this skin... just a wee bit. To count those blessings and to see a little more worth in the person I am. Sure it's taken a while, but that's OK, so did shedding that 'fat' cocoon I hid myself away in.

This journey isn't over, despite my finding myself at a weight I never dreamed I'd see again. My journey will continue for the rest of my life, to keep the healthier body I now have in decent order and, hopefully, to improve it further (she says, glancing down at the loose skin and saggy belly). It will take hard work and dedication and motivation, just like losing the weight has done. I'm sure the journey will have it's high sunny mountain tops and deep dark valleys, like everything in life. But I must remember why I began the journey in the first place, and not hide from the fact that I did damage to myself when I didn't look after the precious thing I have - 'me'.

So, a note to self - remembering ALL of your past, not hiding from it and avoiding it's bad parts to concentrate on only the good, is a positive thing. Being mindfully 'aware' of the good things that 'now' has to offer (like health, life, fun and especially good things like my beloved lovely hubby) is something to take time to notice, reflect on and appreciate each and every day.

There's a quote I stumbled upon recently (don't know who from) which reaffirms this, and says so much more to me.

“One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

No fool like an old fool!

2010-06-03T09:28:00.001+01:00

Am I stoopid, or what?

I knew my tummy wasn't entirely happy with much food or many types of food still. So what did I do yesterday when I got overwhelmed by work?

I ate chocolate! Dear Lord - when will I ever learn?

My tummy is reminding me this morning of just what a dumb idea that was. Serves the old fat lass right! Time to shake off her crazy thinking and remember my 'healthy, sensible and moderate' plan.

On a good note, walking into work this morning was wonderful. Dappled morning sunshine, birds singing and even a guy fly-fishing in the smooth waters of the river. Started the day well - let's try to keep it that way.

Don't try this at home

2010-06-01T15:53:00.004+01:00

Well, our holiday was fabulous and wonderful and marvellous and... more details later. I would say it's great to be back, but that wouldn't be entirely honest now, would it?

One thing of note. A remarkably effective weight loss method seems to be to pick up a bug while you are away.

Left home weighing 62kg and ate pretty well as normal (trying some lovely new things... in moderation) for the first week. Then, went and caught my friendly neighbourhood bug and instantly stopped having any interest in food at all thank you very much indeed, and came home weighing 59kg. Still sitting there this morning, in fact, I'm now slightly under the mark.

Felt like a very sick puppy indeed for a day or so.

Copious bottles of water (at room temperature - nooooo, not cold, please!) was the only thing which kept me going for several days. Even my beloved tea tasted 'orrible!

A week down the line and my appetite still isn't what it usually is. Is that a good thing, or a bad one? Can't make up my mind right now.

I guess it's progress, but hmmm, it's not a method I'd recommend. Mind you, even being ill couldn't spoil the great break for us.

Holding steady

2010-05-12T16:45:00.001+01:00

OK, so I'm not going to hit my dream number on those scales before we go away. To be honest, with what I've been doing (and, more importantly, not doing) in the last couple of weeks that is no real surprise, although there's been a slight downward trend.

I think I've been more in a maintenance frame of mind and have not really had that 'hey, go mad' and 'let's lose' mindset. Still, I'm quite OK with this and I plan to get firmly seated back in the weight loss saddle on my return.

I can hardly believe we are actually about to go. It seems to have rather snuck up on me and I don't feel remotely prepared. Excited yes, yes, YES - but ready... er, not exactly. Guess I'd best start packing, huh? Oh, what the heck. It's going to be great fun - even if not meticulously planned.

We plan quite an active trip, with a fair amount of walking (some of it carrying rucksacks) and a lot of moving around. I'm going to try some new foods, and probably have some treats too, but definitely in moderation as I'll have no idea what most of them will be made from. Still, a typical Levantine diet tends to focus on seasonal, fresh produce and doesn't usually include too many bad things.

Anti-malaria tablets have improved a bit, haven't they? They seem to have one or two odd but minor side effects (we are taking both Paludrine and Avloclor), but nothing like those bloody Lariam from the last time. Never again with those things.

Right, signing off now for a wee while. Ta ta folks.

A great day

2010-05-08T18:26:00.001+01:00

OK, it's raining and cold and dismal outside today, but to hell with it. Went for a great walk anyway and loved every minute of it.

Breakfast was delicious Turkish yoghurt and a small hunk of seedy bread. Lunch a big plate of fresh leafy salad, with loads of tomatoes, cucumber, fresh coriander and spring onions. Delicious. Tonight I've got a yearning for something spicy so I'm on kitchen duty and a low fat mince and pea curry (made from scratch - no sauce mixes please!) it will be. There'll be more yoghurt and I may knock up a nice fresh kachumber too.

Exercise for today consists of blitzing the house in readiness to go away. Time to put some fun music on and boogie down while I have dusted, polished and hoovered until the place could pass a white-glove inspection. Bathroom next. Not my favourite task but it'll look and smell great when I'm done with it!

Tomorrow will be more of the same, and an outing for the Swiss ball. It's about time those abs were reminded of why I have them (grin).

Have a great weekend!

Dog days!

2010-05-06T15:27:00.000+01:00

Unlike yesterday, which wasn't the most fun I've had, today is a very much better day. I'm definitely the dog today!

A beautiful walk in the sunshine helped keep my temper on an even keel. So did a really delicious mixed fruit salad (with Turkish yoghurt) for lunch. It had redcurrants and blackberries, raspberries and strawberries, pineapple and grapes, and some gorgeous ripe melon bits too. Extremely satisfying, fruity-sweet but tart enough to be refreshing and healthy enough to make the fat lass feel virtuous. Should help with my digestive struggles too [wink, wink].

Tonight I have an appointment at the local salon to get this shaggy mop of hair out of my eyes. Can't wait to feel tidy again. Then I can look forward to one of lovely hubby's gorgeous veggie soups.

What a difference a day can make. Hope yours is a good one.

Some days...

2010-05-05T16:29:00.002+01:00

... you're the dog. Some days you're the fire hydrant.

Today I'm not the dog!

Ho hum.

Things to think about

2010-05-04T12:26:00.001+01:00

It's been a mixed few days. The bad stuff first, then I promise I'll shut up and say something positive but I really do want to get it off my chest.

First, and by far the biggest thing in seriousness, is that just weeks before their wedding my youngest niece's fiance came home to some very sad news on Sunday. He'd just returned from a work trip to the continent when he had a phone call from his sister to tell him his mother had been rushed to hospital as she'd collapsed and wasn't breathing. They went straight to the hospital but his mum never regained consciousness and she died within the space of a couple of hours. That poor, poor lady... and her poor family, who now have to deal with losing a beloved parent so unexpectedly. I've never met his mum, or any of the family apart from my niece's fiance, but it makes me want to weep.

Then there's my older niece. She has a health problem (actually, she's recently had it confirmed that she has ME) which she is dealing with to the best of her ability so she can remain in work for as many hours as is feasible. She's been doing fine, until now. Her boss called her to one side just before the weekend. This boss, despite the involvement of my niece's GP and occupational health, appears to assume that my she is being lazy, or something similar, and used terms like 'reduced pay' and 'dismissal' during a less than pleasant conversation. Really supportive employer, eh? Especially given that my niece works for the NHS, who should know better than any that stress exacerbates the condition. I'm not even going to start on what I'd like to do right now, but it isn't nice.

Then there's that Icelandic volcano. I find I'm fretting that it'll kick off again and ground us before we even get to set off. If it does, so be it, but I can't help but have this niggling concern. Ho hum.

I said I'd say something positive though, didn't I? OK, two things. I spent half an hour or so taking in the waistband on my favourite work trousers at the weekend so the darned things stay on me without resorting to an uncomfortable belt. Am rather pleased with the job I did - and no seamstress me! Then my scales, despite continuing problems on the digestive front which made me assume I'd not lose anything this week, tell me I've dropped to 61kg. I've walked a fair bit but not exercised much beyond that, but I guess I've eaten sensibly enough to make the difference.

Progress?

2010-04-28T10:29:00.001+01:00

Perhaps it's because I'm back on a more even emotional keel, but I can think straight again. And, I can see that a good bit of progress has been made. I'm feeling more 'focused' and 'with it' and I feel confident for the future - for my future.

Yes of course, while it'll be nice to see the scales responding to the efforts I'm making, this isn't the progress I have in mind. After all, we aren't quite at the finishing line yet. What I actually mean by progress is what's happening inside my head... in the way I'm thinking about this whole weight loss business.

I mean that I've come to appreciate where I am now, to understand where I came from and why that part of my life panned out the way it did and to accept the lifelong journey I must still go on with. This one changing, evolving person, from the past... to the present... and on into the future, really is still 'me'. You see, I finally 'believe' deep inside myself that I can actually do it... not only get rid of those last few pesky pounds but keep this loss maintained once I have shed that last bit. Strange as it may sound, this is a bit of a new concept for the fat lass.

I guess it's kind of odd that during all the trials and tribulations of the last few years (yeah, it's been a long haul, I know), I never had much real faith that I truly 'could' make a long-term success of this journey. Some of that was down to fear that the old 'me' was actually the real one and would, at some point, come out of hiding to take over again to wreck my plans for the future.

Yes, I could see my life and my health had changed for the better. And yes, I sort of knew and could accept that I'd made some progress along the way. However, I didn't really appreciate how much of a fundamental and permanent difference there was between the old me and the new one until more recent times. It's easier for others to see things like that, I guess.

But still, despite all that sort of seeing and sort of knowing, there was that whiny, nagging little voice in my head muttering away. Her comments were always directed at the hatchling new 'me' though and, alongside the thoughts designed to de-rail my efforts were always other negative thoughts. She'd whisper things like "What makes you think you can do it this time, huh? Haven't you always failed in the past?" and "Who do you think you are, eh? Aiming for the weight you were nearly thirty years ago? You can't turn the clock back - stupid or what!".

Well, I'm can't be certain she's gone away completely and for ever. Indeed, she probably hasn't. But I do seem to have found a few ways to tell her to shut the heck up because she's wrong! More importantly, I now 'know' she's way off base.

In just less than a month I go away with my lovely hubby to pastures new for a well-earned break. Sure I'd love to hit that tantalising 60kg target before I go, and that may well be achievable. But I won't fret if I can't or don't do it within this period because I now 'know' that I will get there at the time that's right for me and my HRT beleaguered body.

Similarly, I'd be amazed if I come back from our trip without having gained at least a pound or two. We are after all going to somewhere with lots of new tastes to sample! The difference is that I now truly 'know' I can handle that, not overindulge too badly, and get any gain back off again once I'm back to my everyday routine.

For all my remaining saggy-baggy bits 'n bobs and the still sticky-out belly, I'm not the fat lass I used to be. The 'me' inside has changed at least as much as, if not more than, the outer packaging. And you know what? It's a nice feeling - I rather like this 'me'.

Feeling better after a good weekend and a rant

2010-04-26T09:19:00.000+01:00

Amazing what getting it all off one's chest can do, isn't it? My weight may not have decreased all that much, but thankfully I'm back to roughly where I started again. Er, let me clarify that! What I mean is that I'm back under my 'shock horror' over ten stone point and wavering around the 62kg mark again. That is a much better place for the fat lass to be.

Better yet, my decidedly grumpy frame of mind has improved somewhat. I've even calmy coped with quite a large liquid spill (hmmm, half a bucket's worth of the wet stuff goes a looooong way!) without getting cross with the individual who made the mess - a big improvement, particularly as they took some persuading to help in the clear-up.

I've already had a lovely walk in the sunshine and am feeling very much more serene. I'll be out there again later, given half a chance. The plan now is to concentrate on eating healthily, walking as much as possible and building in the gym whenever I can (although, sadly, this can't be very often at the moment). My Chi Kung class restarts tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm not going to stress over the weight changes, even if the scales say I've gained again. My clothes still fit, despite the remainder of the bloated feeling around the belly (and ankles!), so I'm going to accept the variations for now, carry on taking my pills and see what happens. It is, after all, very early days.

I'm not giving up. I will reach my target and I will stay there! Oooh, I'd got so close and it was horrifying to think that it might all be falling apart - a little over-reaction on my part but I guess that's hormones for you. But, it wasn't all descending into chaos - it's just that getting to where I want to be just might take a little longer than I'd hoped. That's life though.

Oh pooh, bah and humbug

2010-04-22T16:35:00.006+01:00

Sorry chaps. Rant about to start.

Is it me or is it these bloody HRT pills? Whatever the reason my blasted weight has gone up AGAIN and I'm right back up to a shade OVER ten stone! Growl, hiss, spit! The fat lass is NOT a happy camper at all.

Yes, it's been a hard few weeks at work, with a lot of stress and I know I don't do well under too much stress. But, it seems an amazing coincidence that, my weight having been pretty much OK (give or take) for quite some time and despite still eating sensibly and moving my butt (albeit not as much as I ought), suddenly I'm seeing a weight gain... and not a minor one either.

What's more, with the second type of these pills (they are oestrogen only white pills for day 1-16 then oestrogen and progesterone green ones from day 17-28) my relatively calm frame of mind went right out the window and my mate Alecto the Fury took over once again... in spades! My poor lovely hubby took the brunt of it and it probably took all his courage to 'casually' mention over breakfast one morning that I seemed a bit 'short-tempered'. Poor lamb.

Thankfully, my raging emotions only lasted two or three days before things settled down a bit, but the sudden change is making me think that, as the pills are having a major impact on my character, they are probably having an equally significant effect on my body. My digestive system is still not quite on balance and I can see from my ankles that I'm also retaining a bit of water again too.

Well, if it is the pills - bugger them. They are not going to defeat me! I will shift this bloody weight again, come hell or high water. I WILL get down to my intended weight. Failure is NOT an option.

Gym delights

2010-04-14T10:42:00.000+01:00

Went again last night and loved it. It was pretty quiet as it's still half-term, I guess, and that makes such a difference. Want to go again... now.

Have started to build up the cardio work again and I'll soon be back to what I consider 'acceptable'. Rowing (on lovely new Concepts) was bliss - smooth as silk - and I'm adapting to the new steppers, for all I still think the whizz-bang new kit is overly complicated to use. Having said that, I do like the elliptical (it's the 'spotty dog walker' to me - from The Woodentops when I was a kid) much more than the old ones.

The weights went well - even the chest press and shoulder press (which are my least favourites) weren't too awful.

One grumble (OK then, two). Firstly, I seem to have forgotten the finer points of my warm down and stretch routine. I think I need a little reminder so will ask one of the trainers next time. And the showers, whilst wet and warm(ish), were in complete darkness! Is there an energy saving scheme in place I don't know about?

A rollercoaster ride

2010-04-12T09:48:00.002+01:00

OK, having now been taking the HRT tablets the doctor prescribed (Elleste Duet) for a couple of weeks. So... how are things going? Well, I'd say things were a bit up and down to be honest.

My 'hot spots' haven't exactly gone away, but they do seem less frequent (night sweats once or twice a night now, not five or six episodes!) and they are less intense. I should still be hooked up to the National Grid as I produce a lot of excess energy, but the Water Board probably couldn't make much use of me to reduce seasonal shortages now. Likewise, those extremely irritating Beach Boys haven't decided to retire altogether. Still, the buzzing blighters play me up less often and at a significantly reduced, more manageable, volume. My moods seem a bit less volatile too, which is a big plus as I'm a bit more on an even keel. Less intense anger (although I still have my moments) and a reduction in the sudden floods of tears for no real reason.

But... and there always is at least one 'but', isn't there... there are a few things which are causing me some disquiet. First of these is that, even though the night sweats are less of an issue, I'm still not sleeping properly and so I'm almost always feeling tired and mildly run down as a consequence. The overnight disturbances caused by the sweats seem to have been substituted with other wake up calls! I seem to be getting bad dreams (hmmm, nightmares really) quite frequently over the past couple of weeks. Some of them are pretty unsettling too. It reminds me of the time I took Lariam to prevent malaria - but thankfully not as bad! And there are the early hours leg cramps. Not something I suffer from usually, but lately my calf muscles have managed to tie themselves into excruciating knots and wake me.

Then there's early morning indigestion - usually first thing in the morning, or within half an hour or so of breakfast. I don't feel sick exactly, just a bit uncomfortable and mildly 'dodgy'. I feel bloated and bigger around the belly (despite the yoghurt) and my digestive system seems to be just slightly out of kilter.

But the one which is really annoying to a fat lass is the effect on my weight. OK, it wasn't the best of weeks last week, but things shouldn't have been bad enough to see the scales leap back up to 62.5kg again. Needless to say... they did! I can tell from my wedding ring being tighter on my finger that I'm retaining water so that is part of it, but...

Coincidence? Not sure.

It's still very early days so I guess it's 'keep taking the tablets' and see how things go.